Fun and Games
Lighten up Mondays
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the living room and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice rang out again.
The thief stopped again, he was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a parrot in a birdcage.
He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Ronald,” said the bird.
“That’s a stupid name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Ronald?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
Lighten up Mondays
Earth Day was Saturday, April 22nd, but we should always be focused on the place on which we live.
My nieces and nephews will get a kick out of this one: 17 trees are saved by every ton of existing paper that is recycled. That means if we pulped every Harry Potter book we wouldn’t be able to see the sky for foliage.
*****
And here’s a comic sure to bring a chuckle:
Lighten up Mondays
Today is the official day for Americans – some Americans – to file their tax returns. Here are some tax facts over which to ruminate:
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913 to 7 million words today.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend over $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The amount of effort needed to calculate and pay federal income for individuals and businesses in the United States is the equivalent of a staff of 3 million people working full-time for a year.
The IRS employs 114,000 people — twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
Lighten up Mondays
In keeping with the baby theme going on in our household – our first grandchild is expected to be born the first week of May – this week’s funnies center around babies.
*****
Saw the cutest triplets in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!
*****
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. “What’s the matter Johnny?” asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: “That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home…I just want her to stay with you guys.”
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant so the boy asked the attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
She responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.”
Lighten up Mondays
Professional basketball, college basketball, it’s all going on. On today’s date, Monday, April3 3rd, the NCAA Championship game takes place between Gonzaga University (Spokane, WA) and University of North Carolina. Three of my family members graduated from Gonzaga so you can bet I’m cheering for the Spokane team.
Here are some basketball-related jokes for today’s Monday funny.
*****
I play in the over-40 basketball league. We don’t have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.
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Earl and Bob, both obsessed with basketball, never missed their favorite team’s games. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was basketball in heaven.
One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally, Earl did. He said to Bob. “I have good news and bad news. I’ll tell you the good news first. There is basketball in heaven.” Bob said, “That’s the best news ever!”
Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news…You’re starting at guard tomorrow night.”
*****
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about basketball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”
“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the refs.”
Lighten up Mondays
In some places of the world, the weather is improving: snow is melting, the temps are getting a bit warmer, and spring yard cleaning is in the forefront of our minds. Here’s some humor to get you in the mood.
*****
When Phil’s power mower broke down, his wife Kristi kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass got too tall, but the message wasn’t sinking in, and Phil kept putting off the repairs. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When Phil arrived at home one day, he found her sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house. Coming back in a few minutes, he handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”
*****
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
There’s one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor’s.
My neighbour Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, so long as he used it on my property.
Lighten up Mondays
We attended a family wedding this past Saturday – a very enjoyable get together to celebrate the marriage of one of our nieces. I thought I’d offer this little bit of humor that focuses on what might take place right after a couple gets engaged. I wonder if Jim & Wendy (Saturday’s parents of the bride) can relate?
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When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”
My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”
“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”
“Two thousand.”
“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”
“Five thousand!”
We eloped to Spain.
Lighten up Mondays
When romantic relationships last well into the stratosphere:
The couple had reached an age where the wife thought it was time to start considering wills and funeral arrangements rather than be caught unprepared. Her husband, however, wasn’t too interested in the topic.
“Would you rather be buried or cremated?” she asked him.
There was a pause, then he replied from behind his newspaper, “Surprise me.”
***
Mrs. Willencot was very frugal. When her husband died, she asked the newspaper how much it would cost for a death notice.
“Two dollars for five words.”
“Can I pay for just two words?” she asked. “Willencot dead.”
“No, two dollars is the minimum. You still have three words remaining.”
Mrs. Willencot thought a moment then said, “Cadillac for sale.”
***
A grieving widow was discussing her late husband with a friend. “My Albert was such a good man, and I miss him so. He provided well for me with that fifty-thousand dollar insurance policy – but I would give back a thousand of it, just to have him with me again.”
Lighten up Mondays
My daughter’s birthday is today.
February 20th, 1976 was the best and not quite worst, but at least challenging, day of my life. I mean, come on, 21 hours of labor only to end up having a caesarian section isn’t a walk in the park by anyone’s definition. But Erin is the part of my life about which I am most proud, hands down, every day of the week. So let’s celebrate birthdays with some birthday humor, shall we?
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Signs you are getting older: you have to scroll down a lot before finding your birth year for an online form.
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What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.
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The old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 110th birthday. “What do you think is the reason for your long life?” one reported asked. ” She replied, “I suppose it’s because I was born such a long time ago.”
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Dear Google, Happy Birthday. You just turned 18 years old and you know so much. Thank you for helping me with my homework. Sincerely, Me.
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I guess the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero who saved you.
*****
Said by the young adult, “My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18-year old waitress who is just there to take our drink order.”
Hopefully I was never guilty of that! Happy Birthday Erin Green!
Kindness Fridays
Last month my husband and I went on a 3-state driving trip. We hiked in two of the states: Joshua Tree National Park in California, and Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area in Nevada. We are crazy-ass hikers, and by that I mean that we are fully addicted to this activity and don’t function at 100% unless we hike at least two times a month. Because of our addiction – for which, thankfully, there is no 12-step recovery program – we hike whenever and wherever we can.
The hiking community is a a healthy one both socially and energetically; we’re like-minded people who love what we do so we’re all smiles and happy-go-lucky people. While on our challenging Red Rock Canyon hike – clambering over large boulders and trekking through snow and ice – we encountered one local couple who told us out-of-state visitors that the boulders in the portion of the trail we were about to encounter were extremely icy and slippery. Their helpful intel was all we needed to decide to cut our hike short.
On our return trip down this same trail, we encountered a recently retired couple from Washington State (the wife was wearing a Seattle Seahawks knit cap) and we shared in their joy of being retired by saying, “We’re retired too!” And what was so cute, a younger couple just coming up the trail met up with us and said, “We’re retired too!” Of course they weren’t, but they joined in with the jocularity and told us how much they were enjoying the hike and getting away from the Las Vegas gambling and drinking scene. The young man said, “Wow, hiking this place is like being in Lost Vegas!”
It was, and meeting up with like-minded people away from The Strip was our generous dose of kindness for the day.
Lighten up Mondays
Valentines Day is tomorrow, but love isn’t just about romantic love; love comes in many different shapes and sizes, as is evident from today’s selected funnies.
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It has been said, “If you love them, set them free.” I say, “If they come back, no one else wanted them either.”
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If you like being intimate while listening to music, be sure to choose a Live album, that way you’ll receive applause every three or four minutes.
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I love everybody: some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I’d love to punch in the face.
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They say the only way to get over a broken heart is to fall in love again. I fell in love with myself. Best relationship of my life.
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Have you ever had that moment when you’ve been deep in thought, then realize you’re staring directly at someone?
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Every girl on earth wants to be the reason a guy looks down at his phone and smiles, then walks into a pole.
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Wife: “I love you.”
Husband: “I love you too.”
Wife: “Prove it. Scream it to the world.”
Husband: *whispers in ear* “I love you.”
Wife: “Why’d you whisper it to me?”
Husband: “Because you are my world.”
Happy Day everyone. May today – and every day – be filled with love, both received and given.
Lighten up Mondays
Oftentimes, those of us who live in wintery locations leave home in an attempt to find some sunshine. My neighbors across the street recently left the Seattle area to spend the weekend in Juneau, AK; although cold, it was sunny. The neighbors to my left returned from Belize where the husband celebrated his 40th birthday, and the neighbors to my right are currently in sunny Mexico. Today’s humor focuses on humor abroad.
A man on holiday in Spain thought he would email his sister back in England. But he made a typo, so instead of sending it to Joan Foster, he sent it to Jean Foster, the wife of a recently deceased priest. When that wife read it, she fainted. It read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”
*****
Doing the rounds of his barns in a remote country area, a farmer came across a parachutist who had landed in hay. “What happened?” asked the farmer. “My chute failed to open.” replied the parachutist. “Ah, well, if you’d asked the locals before making your jump, you would’ve known that nothing around here opens on a Sunday.”
*****
A traveler went through the TSA checkpoint, being pulled randomly to go through the full body scanner. Upon arrival at his destination he received some good news and some bad news. The bad news: “Your luggage is lost.” The good news: “The full body scan indicated that you’re in excellent health!”
*****
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In many part os Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him gives the tourist a jab and says, “They don’t serve beer here, you moron!”
The German fellow felt pretty stupid but suddenly turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look and began to laugh.
“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.
“Oh, nothing really, I just realized you came here for the food.”
Lighten up Mondays
My husband and I drove many miles on our most recent trip; miles that covered Arizona, California, and Nevada. Needless to say, we observed a variety of driving anomalies by those who shared the highways with us. Today’s funnies shine a spotlight on the delightful and frustrating art of driving.
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO,” the young lady yelled back, “It’s a scarf!”
*****
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly,
but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can’t fix stupid.
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I saw someone driving and texting at the same time the other day. I got so mad, I rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a
project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly
funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four
wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in
61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, sh*t!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey
y’all, hold my beer and watch this!
Have a great week everyone, and remember, don’t text or drink, and drive.
When things don’t go as planned
We’ve all been there. We lay out our carefully orchestrated plans – thinking we’ve arranged for every contingency – and then we find ourselves facing a roadblock for which we hadn’t planned. Yowza! Now what? My husband and I had that experience during a recent week-long Arizona trip. We flew into Las Vegas, NV, only using that locale as our arrival and departure location; no overnights.
The planned itinerary:
- 4 nights in Lake Havasu City, AZ to visit family. CHECK! And we had a delightful time as planned;
- 2 nights in Sedona, AZ to hike and experience all that this mystic location had to offer. NOPE! A snow storm changed those plans.
- 2 nights in the Grand Canyon, AZ area after Sedona. NOPE! A snow storm changed those plans as well.
We switched to a Plan B itinerary:
- 3 nights in Desert Hot Springs, CA to complete several hikes in Joshua Tree National Park. NOPE! Torrential rain and flooding.
We spent 2 nights in Desert Hot Springs and managed to squeeze in one hike before the monsoon descended. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves but we cut our visit short.
Plan C itinerary:
- 2 nights in Las Vegas, NV. CHECK!
When circumstances proved out of our control – and certainly weather falls into that category – we knew there was no sense in getting upset and raising our blood pressure over the whole matter; flexibility was the order of the day. If all those weather events hadn’t “interrupted” our vacation itinerary, we would have never had the opportunity to hike at Red Rock Canyon in Nevada. This place is so beautiful, that we decided to hike there two days in a row. The photos included in this blog are from that experience.
We’ll return to Arizona some time in the future to fulfill our Sedona and Grand Canyon bucket list items … but then again, who knows what places we’ll actually visit should Mother Nature decide to come along with us on our vacation once again.
Lighten up Mondays
Jokes about our relationships with others can be funny, dirty, and totally relatable. Here are jokes that are all but one of those characteristics.
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
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I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.”
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My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”
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During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
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After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”
Lighten up Mondays
Okay y’all, we’re two weeks into the new year. As I mentioned in my first Monday of the year post, some of you might have resolved to exercise more and eat less. Whether or not you’ve stuck with that resolution, I’m sure you’ll find some humor in today’s post.
- Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Don’t tell me diets aren’t hard.
- I have a condition that prevents me from dieting; it’s called being hungry.
- Desperation is shaving before you step on the scale in the morning.
- David said, “Don’t forget, you are what you eat” to which Susan responded, “Well then I need to eat a skinny person.”
- I thought I was losing weight but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
- I tried to avoid things that make me fat: scales, mirrors, photographs …
- Gloria joined an online weight loss forum and was greeted with this first message, “Welcome to the Weight Loss Forum. To lose one pound, double-click your mouse six million times.
- A great way to lose weight is to eat naked and stand in front of a mirror.
- I’m not hungry but I am bored. Oops.
- You are not fat, you have fat. You have fingernails, but you’re not a fingernail.
- If you had to choose between losing weight or eating chocolate, would you like dark, white, or milk chocolate?
- And for those of us who are accustomed to things happening quickly in this fast-paced world, there’s this, “Two days into my diet, and I’m still not skinny. This is bullshit.”
Lighten up Mondays
Some of you are in sunshine, some in rain, some in snow. There’s a variety of possibilities out there but since it’s snowy and freezing where I live, I feel inspired to provide some winter humor for your Monday enjoyment.
My summer body wasn’t ready but my winter body is good to go.
A grandfather in snowbound Chicago handed a snow shovel to his grandson and said, “Sorry, son, there’s no app for that.”
Spring needs to stand up to winter and kick it in the snowballs.
A freshly built snowman was concerned as this was his first gig. He could only hope that the garish hat and scarf would distract from the fact that he was nude.
Winter is the three month break from a woman and her razor.
I’m tired of winter. I want to fast-forward to bitching about how hot it is.
Sign discovered stuck in two feet of snow in a neighbor’s front yard: Unassembled snowman for sale, cheap!
What do you call an old snowman? Water.
Children will relate to this one: the number of layers worn by children during the winter is dependent upon how cold their mother is feeling.
Dear Winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is a lot hotter than you are.
Lighten up Mondays
New Year, new Monday logo.
I hope 2017 brings you much joy, and certainly lots of laughter. Many people resolve to lose weight and exercise more in the New Year. Let’s look at that, shall we?
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
- If you want to take up cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.
- I tried to exercise but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- A reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class/spin class/Barre class pulls a hamstring.
- Doctor to patient: “What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?”
- I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
- The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it “Jumping Up and Down.”
- America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.
- I’m 99% sure no one would run marathons if they weren’t allowed to talk about running marathons.
- I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym, now this entire workout was a waste of time.
- After exercising I always eat a pizza … just kidding, I don’t exercise.
- Instead of the John, I call my bathroom, Jim. That way it sounds better when I tell friends I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
New Year, New Focus, New Look
I’ve been authoring this blog, Baby Boomers and More, for five and a half years. Perhaps that’s a record for blog ownership, I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I thoroughly enjoy writing about matters of significance. I guess that’s why my blog has survived as long as it has: there are a heck of a lot of things going on in the world that fall into that category.
My website address remains the same: http://www.babyboomersandmore.com, but with a broader emphasis on life as it unfolds for all of us born within a certain year bracket:
- iGen (after 2000)
- Millennials (1980-2000)
- Gen X (1965-1979)
- Baby Boomers (1946-1964) and
- The Greatest Generation (before the end of WWII).
Yes, there are many differences between the generations but we have one major characteristic in common: although as individuals we are strong in many ways, we still need each other to get to the finish line.
With that change in overall focus comes a new, primary blog identification:
Living: the ultimate team sport
If we consider all the people with whom we come in contact as being members of the same team, we will do all we can to support them. We’ll bolster rather than compete; we’ll pick them up rather than step over them as a means to an end; we’ll exhibit respect for each other’s talents while nurturing our own; we’ll not take advantage of weaknesses in order to falsely boost our own strengths. In short, we’ll stand by our teammates and want only the very best for them.
Another goal of mine: write more succinctly, at least after this particular post. 🙂 I know you’re all busy and have better things to do than read my oftentimes lengthy magnum opuses. I’m newly committed to being as succinct as possible, somewhere along the lines of an article I wrote on December 27, 2016: Don’t go there. Let’s face it, as a writer, I should be able to use an economy of words to get my point across to those who’ve chosen to follow me.
And one last thing: the header images you’ll see at the top of my blog (which will cycle through randomly) are from photos I took during a few of my hikes around the Pacific Northwest. Hiking is my passion, so I’m pleased to provide snapshots of views I have been privileged to see.
With that, I’ll sign off for now, so very glad to be a member of your team.
Lighten up Mondays
Many are returning to work after this past weekend’s Holiday festivities. Here are some one-liners to humor you through your return:
- When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
- Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
- There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Clarence.
- My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.
- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.
- If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
- I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
- Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
- All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.
- There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
See you next year everyone, with a new look for your Monday humor.
Lighten up Mondays
Continuing with the Christmas theme (and seeing as December 25th is really, really soon) here is a video that acts out the Christmas story called, Christmas According to Kids. It is cute, funny, and a fabulous modern interpretation of how things may have gone way back when. I want to thank my niece, Kristina Riesche, for bringing this fun video to my attention.
Lighten up Mondays
Christmas and Hanukah are right around the corner. As such, there will be shopping to do. Whether you shop much or very little, I hope the following humor tickles your funny bone.
Fun things to do at a department store:
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them all off, and turn the volumes up to 10.
- Try on bras over the top of your clothes.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares” and see what happens.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!” See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
- Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the store mannequins.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow, magic!”
- Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs onto carpeted areas.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs the X-Men.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a test drive. and last and certainly least …
- Grab boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they’re not looking.
Lighten up Mondays
Tis the season to do lots of festive things, one of which is eating.
A professional dietitian was lecturing in front of a group of people who wanted to lose weight.
“The food we eat is so bad for us, that it will still hurt our health several years down the road,” she said.
“Sugary drinks eat up the lining of our stomach, processed food is full of chemicals, meat is full of preservatives, and even our water is filled with germs. And I haven’t even gotten to fatty foods yet! Do you know which type of dessert will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?”
The whole group fell silent, until an 80-year-old man sitting in the back stood up and said: “A wedding cake…”
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A wife left a note on the fridge door saying: “This isn’t working, I’m leaving.” The husband opened the door and the darn thing was working just fine!
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The reason animals don’t need to diet is that it’s hard to keep tabs on their eating habits. Imagine for a moment, what your dog’s food journal would look like:
Dear diary, today I ate the food in my bowl, half of the cat’s food as well as some poop nuggets from its litter box, the crust of two sandwiches that were in the sink, one tea bag from the trash, three flies, and a green rubber ball. How many calories is that?
Lighten up Mondays
Happy Halloween y’all!
Why did the mummy not have any friends? Because he was all wrapped up in himself.
What road has the most ghosts haunting it? A dead end.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
What breed of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist? He was repossessed.
What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire? A blood test.
And finally …
Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? Because there are so many plots there.
Lighten up Mondays
There’s nothing funny about the government or politics … or is there?
I only watch the History Channel. Their news is less depressing because I know we already survived it.
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?
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A foreign visitor was being given a tour of Washington, D.C. one day by an American friend of hers. She was amazed at the size of the monuments, the congressional buildings, and so forth. Finally, she gazed upon the Capital Building and said, “My, that’s an incredibly large building!”
“Yes, it’s pretty big, I guess,” said her American friend.
“Big? It’s huge!!! About how many people work in there?” she asked.
“Oh, about half,” she responded.
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
*****
A senator is in a restaurant and a waiter brings over the rolls but no butter. “May I have some butter, please?” The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off. Ten minutes later, still no butter.
The senator catches the waiter’s eye. “May I have some butter, please?” Still the vaguest of responses is given by the waiter, and after ten more minutes, still no butter.
“Maybe you don’t know who I am,” says the senator. “I’m a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I’m currently a United States senator, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee.”
“Maybe you don’t know who I am,” said the waiter, “I’m the guy who’s in charge of the butter.”
Lighten up Mondays
Daylight Saving time ends November 6th. I know I’m way ahead of schedule, here, but wanted to poke fun at the process anyway. Here are some funny Tweets about Daylight Saving Time: (euphemisms have been substituted for swear words)
Daylight Saving started back in 1964 when some guy was an hour late for work and convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong. – by Rob Fee
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If we can just manipulate time with daylight saving, what’s from preventing us from saying “screw it, tomorrow is Sunday again.” – by Josh Hara
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Been working 25/7 working on some new daylight saving time jokes. – by Ken Jennings
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It takes a special person to be late the day after daylight saving time starts. – by Meeting Boy
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Salvador Dali’s daylight saving time reminder: don’t forget to melt the clocks. – by Mike Birbiglia
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It’s daylight saving time! Don’t forget to shut the heck up for how the time change has really thrown you off for the next two weeks. – by Jenny Johnson
And now this question about matters having to do with months of the year:
How many months have 28 days?
All of them, of course!
Lighten up Mondays
The autumn season begins this Thursday, September 22:
Child asks his mom, “When is the first day of fall?” Mother, “Honey, everyone knows it’s when Starbucks starts serving pumpkin spice lattes.”
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
Tips for autumn: canning fruit and vegetables is a great way to preserve food if you think you’re too good to go to the grocery store.
Think of raking leaves as Mother Nature’s way of getting you in shape for shoveling snow.
If it got dark any earlier we wouldn’t have to get up out of bed at all.
Lighten up Mondays
It’s Labor Day in the United States and although I’m well aware that this Holiday has nothing to do with giving birth, here are a few funnies that are about just that:
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
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Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born?” “The stork brought you to us.” “Oh, ” said Little Johnny.
“Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked. “Oh, the stork brought us too.”
“So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?” “Well, darling, the stork brought them too, ” said the mother.
The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, “This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
And finally:
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Lighten up Mondays
There are two teachers in my family: Our son-in-law, Kirby (elementary school) and my stepdaughter Kirstin (high school). Here’s to them and numerous other underpaid and overworked educators!
Teacher: “Where is your homework?” Student: “I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.”
If teachers were honest about their report card comments to parents: “Jimmy continues to be a sh*t. I would like him to stop being a sh*t. Please work out your sh*t so Jimmy is not a sh*t.
Teacher in answer to a student’s question about the book he’s holding: “It’s called reading. It’s how people install new software into their brains.”
Teacher: “Class, we will only have a half day of school this morning.” Students: “Hooray!” Teacher: “We will have the other half this afternoon.”
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who are good in math, and those who aren’t.
Teacher: “You failed the test.” Student: “You failed to educate me.”
And proof that punctuation saves lives:
“Let’s eat Grandma!” vs “Let’s eat, Grandma”
Lighten up Mondays
With the 2016-2017 school year quickly approaching, I thought I’d provide some parenting humor for those with small kids, and those who managed to live beyond the early parenting years.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.
Sound travels slowly: sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them until they’re in their 40s.
Saturday is the day kids jump out of bed at 6am with all the energy they claim they didn’t have all week long.
When you want to punish your kids, don’t take away their electronics. Just take away the charger and watch the fear in their eyes as they use it less and less while the battery slowly dies.
And finally:
He lead me to the bedroom, pulled back the covers, and gave me a coy smile. “Tonight, it’s all about you.” And then he watched the kids while I slept uninterrupted for 14 hours.
Living: the ultimate team sport 