Lighten up Mondays

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U.S. Tax Day cometh!!! Some taxing jokes for you.

  • People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school.
  • Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. (Jay Leno)
  • I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say ‘No, Prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.’ (Jimmy Kimmel)
  • Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy. (unknown)
  • Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing. (unknown)
  • Tax Day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. (Jimmy Kimmel)
  • Death and Taxes: Of life’s two certainties taxes is the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
  • On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. (Tom Lehrer)


Lighten up Mondays

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Today is the official day for Americans – some Americans – to file their tax returns. Here are some tax facts over which to ruminate:

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913 to 7 million words today.

The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.

Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.

American taxpayers spend over $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.

The amount of effort needed to calculate and pay federal income for individuals and businesses in the United States is the equivalent of a staff of 3 million people working full-time for a year.

The IRS employs 114,000 people — twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.

60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.

Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.

Lighten up Mondays

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Happy sunshine faceIt’s the last Monday of March which means April is upon us, which means in the United States it’s income tax filing time.  Here are some one liners that might tickle your funny bone:

  • The U.S. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps; they had pictures of IRS agents on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
  • America is the land of opportunity; everybody can become a taxpayer.
  • Children are deductible but they’re still taxing.
  • Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.
  • Filling out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.
  • A man admitted he lied on his income-tax return – he listed himself as the head of the household.
  • The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

Dont panicAnd here’s an original from me:

I hope this first full month of Spring doesn’t tax you too heavily.

Lighten Up Mondays

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Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Ser...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the United States we are fast-approaching the income tax filing deadline of April 15th.  Here are a few jokes to get us through it – perhaps with a chuckle.

Somehow the IRS auditor knew it was my first audit.  “How could you tell?” I asked.

“For this kind of examination, you don’t have to undress,” she explained.

You know what they’re doing with our taxes?  They’re spending your money – hundreds of billions of dollars on defense.  To defend us from the Russians, the North Koreans, the Libyans, the Iranians.  When was the last time someone from any of those groups broke into your car?  I’m not worried about Russians, I’m worried about Americans!  You’re going to defend me, defend me from Americans!  Get my butt back from Burger King alive!

What gets me is the estimated tax return.  You have to guess how much money you’re going to make.  You have to fill it out, sign it, send it in.  I sent mine in last week.  I didn’t sign it.  If I have to guess how much money I’m gonna make, let them guess who sent it.

The income tax system has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

You’ve got to admire the IRS.  Any organization that makes that much money without advertising deserves respect.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes if I knew they were going to a friendly country.