Lighten up Mondays

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Life imitates art. Here are some publishing and writing jokes:

Why does an indie author use her phone a dozen times during dinner? To check her stats…”What? No sales in the last 45 minutes? Not even a view on my blog? How can that be?”

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  • Why do they call payments from a publisher to an author “royalty,” when most checks seem like “peasantry?”
  • When comforting a Grammar Fanatic, I always say, “Their, There, They’re.”
  • “I never finish anyth….”

And now books on tape we don’t want to hear:

  • The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
  • The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
  • How To Win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
  • Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
  • Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace
  • Moby Dick as read by Jonah
  • Crime and Punishment as read by OJ Simpson
  • Feynman’s Lectures On Physics as read by Dan Quayle
  • The Joy of Cooking as read by Hannibal Lecter

 

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Kindness Fridays

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Community. That’s what this world needs: a unified body of individuals.

That doesn’t mean we all have to have the same political, social, or religious affiliation. What it does mean, however, is that we choose to live in unity and in support of each other.

Have you had the experience where you’re having a pretty darn good day and someone says or does something to you and your entire day’s direction is negatively altered?

In the alternative, have you experienced a bad day when someone says or does something to you and your entire day’s direction is altered for the better?

In the former, someone chose to live separate from you; chose to not recognize you as his or her fellow man; chose to harm you and widen the gap between the two of you.

In the latter, a kind-hearted person chose to come out of themselves; chose to join with a fellow survivor on this planet where division and hatred would seek to become the norm; chose to bridge the gap between the two of you.

My modus operandi is that I assume each person with whom I come in contact during my day needs my friendly words and actions in order for their day to improve. I believe in most cases I’ll be right on the money with that MO.

I mean, it sure couldn’t hurt, could it?

 

“How to have Fun with your Aging Parents”

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I am reblogging the attached article about Christina Britton Conroy’s book that truly appears to be one all of us Baby Boomers need to add to our bookshelves. Personally, it has been a delight to be one of the AlzAuthors’ newest members. I am in such good company. Coming December 20th, you’ll be able to view my introduction as a member of this enriching group of authors.

Source: Meet Christina Britton Conroy, author of “How to have Fun with your Aging Parents”

Lighten up Mondays

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Today’s funnies spotlight the 49th state where I lived for 13 years..

You might be an Alaskan if:

  • you owe more money on your snowmobile than your automobile
  • you have more miles on your snowblower than on your car
  • you have four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, Construction
  • you’ve hit a pothole and totaled your car

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Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals–you’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take-off.”

“That’s baloney”, says Bruce.

“Yeah,” Lloyd agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn’t afraid to take off.”

“Yeah,” said Bruce, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!” They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, “I’d say, about a hundred yards further than last year.”

Kindness Fridays

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Although the solar eclipse is a thing of the past, I’d like to report about a kindness our neighbor extended to us on that same day.

On Solar Eclipse Day, my husband and I were taking care of our grandson at our house. We didn’t take him outside, of course, and we decided we would watch the eclipse on the various television programs covering it live.

Our across the street neighbor texted me to ask if we were watching the eclipse outside. I responded that we hadn’t acquired any of the special glasses so we were not.

Not more than a minute later, our doorbell rang and there stood Ian with a pair of viewing glasses for our usage; he had an extra pair and wanted to make sure we had a chance to watch an event that certainly would not occur again in our lifetime.

And what a sight to see! So glad Ian’s generosity made it across the street to our house.

Meet Lori LaBey, founder of Alzheimer’s Speaks

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You will benefit greatly by discovering all that Lori LaBey has done for the Alzheimer’s population.

Source: Meet Lori LaBey, founder of Alzheimer’s Speaks

Lighten up Mondays

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Time for a new Lighten up Mondays logo

Teachers and students are heading back to the classroom this week. Here’s this week’s spotlight on humor with a focus on education.

  • A child comes home from 1st day at school. Mom asks, “What did you learn today?” The child replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
  • The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”
  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
  • One day on Mercury is approximately 1408 hours, the same as one Monday on Earth.
  • Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
    Milton: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
  • Giving your child a recorder at school and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
  • And for those teachers in my immediate family, Kirstin and Kirby: “May your coffee be strong and your students, calm.”