21st Century Living

Lighten up Mondays

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Hanukkah begins Tuesday, December 12th. It seems fitting that this week’s lighter fare would honor and focus on our Jewish community.

Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since Miriam had moved to her new apartment.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex.  I am in apartment 2B,” Miriam says. “There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 2.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandmother, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Miriam gasps, “You’re coming to visit me empty handed?”

*****

  • I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up … they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
  • The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
  • Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.  He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. – Golda Meir
  • Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin
  • Don’t be humble; you are not that great. – Golda Meir

 

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Lighten up Mondays

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

*****

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him.”

*****

And one last Monday funny.

Kindness Fridays

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I’ll try to be brief with this week’s kindness. I have had a medical condition for the past three years that no doctor has diagnosed correctly. In September I went to a naturopath and based on my symptoms, she suggested a different type of doctor who specializes in what I most likely have.

My husband and I drove into Seattle to see this doctor on Wednesday of this week and within twenty minutes’ time, he easily made sense of what I’ve been experiencing, a condition that has caused my husband and I to cancel two vacations because of its acute nature. He clearly explained what was going on, was able to diagnose it and suggested treatments that will more likely than not improve my quality of life greatly. After one day of those new treatments, my body is adjusting and trying to function in a different way, and because it’s trying to do that, I didn’t sleep at all last night. I will aim not to be discouraged, however, knowing that once my body adjusts to this new treatment plan, I’ll be able to celebrate the start of a new quality of life.

Finally, a doctor who spent sufficient time with my husband and me who was able to apply his expertise to our situation, and provide hope and promise that I have not been able to enjoy for close to three years.

This week’s kindness celebrates this Seattle doctor with whom we met on Wednesday. This week’s kindness also celebrates the naturopath who got me on the right “path” to wellness without receiving financial benefit. She refused my insurance copay when I saw her back in September, not feeling it appropriate that she accept payment since she didn’t provide any measurable medical service to me.

That’s where she was wrong; her referral was one of the most effective treatments I have received for my condition up until this point.

Goodreads Giveaway: REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO

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Those of you familiar with Goodreads know that authors give away tons of books on that site all year round. I figured, I’m an author, and I’m pretty generous, so I think I’ll give away some paperback books as well!

Go to Goodreads (you’ll have to be a registered user to participate) and enter my 6-book giveaway that starts today, December 1st, and runs through December 8th. It’s easy to register on Goodreads, you don’t even have to create a new user persona; you can register using your Facebook, Twitter, Google, or Amazon log-in information.

Once you’re a registered user, follow these steps:

  • go to the Browse drop-down menu
  • click on Giveaways
  • towards right-hand side, click on Recently Listed
  • filter by Print Giveaways – as opposed to Kindle Giveaways or All Giveaways
  • and search for my novel, Requiem for the status quo.

Be certain to read the description of the giveaway that I’ve created. I want you to be clear on what it is I’m offering for free.

Goodreads does all the work in acquiring names and shipping information, they’ll notify me of the six randomly selected Giveaway winners, then I’ll send out a copy of my novel to six lucky winners within a week’s time.

You’ve got nothing to lose…what are you waiting for?

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Can’t not joke about food during the Holiday season.

  • To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
  • I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  • Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But smoking bacon will cure it.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  • Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
  • So far eating hasn’t filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I’m no quitter.

Kindness Fridays

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Chivalry isn’t dead, nor is good ol’ everyday courteousness.

We had a full day this past Tuesday, the highlight of which was taking care of our grandson. In the afternoon, a new refrigerator/freezer was scheduled to be delivered but we received a call that it would be delivered a bit late…right around our dinner hour.

I decided we wouldn’t want to cook that evening because we’d be waiting for the delivery (happened just after 4:30 pm as it turns out) and we’d be getting it filled with all the food we had placed into numerous coolers earlier in the day with solid ice blocks to maintain the foods’ integrity.

While our grandson napped I slipped out of the house to pick up a pizza at the Take and Bake pizza place nearby, leaving Lucas in the very capable hands of his grandpa. I don’t yet feel comfortable walking and carrying our grandson so Jerry needed to be the one who remained at the house so he could pick Lucas up out of the crib if he woke up before my return.

I snagged a parking space right in front of the shop so I didn’t have to get out my disabled parking pass. I hobbled into the pizza place, paid the employee for our pie, and tried to juggle my purse, my cane, and the pizza all at the same time, failing miserably in my attempts to do so. The young man quickly got out from behind the counter and said, “I’ll take the pizza to your car for you.” What a relief, and what a kindness. He didn’t know my car was so close by; it could have been anywhere in the two-days-before-Thanksgiving crowded supermarket parking lot.

And that’s this week’s kindness story.

Lighten up Mondays

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The first event of the 2017 Holiday season, Thanksgiving Day, is just hours away. Time to get into the mood, y’all.

*****

Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling off?

The buckle was on his hat!

*****

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.

*****

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

*****

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

*****

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December.