Fun and Games
Chad Kollman knows how to make lemonade out of lemons. The thing is, he doesn’t even consider that he’s been served a heaping portion of lemons, even though the casual observer might conclude that to be the case. Enjoy this story that is certain to brighten even the darkest of your days.
I absolutely love seeing a variety of age groups doing something grand for others. We all have the same number of hours in a day and choosing to use a few of those hours to benefit others can go a long way toward improving our little corner of the world. I hope this story about a very industrious young man who lives not far from me, impresses you as much as it did me.
Last week’s good news spotlighted a couple in their 100s who got married to live happily ever after in their remaining years. This week’s post spotlights the wedding industry again but shines the light on an unexpected flower girl who nailed her flowery performance!
I’m a writer and a published author so when independent bookstores can thrive in this 21st century, Amazonian world, I enjoy celebrating with them. This local bookstore proves you can be small but still make a grand impression. I love this type of good news! And by the way, I recently published the 2nd edition of my novel, Requiem for the status quo, a book I wrote to honor my father’s Alzheimer’s journey. Yes, it’s available on Amazon, but it’s also available at the independent bookstore featured in this week’s edition of Good News!
We had new windows installed upstairs and downstairs – the whole house – and with new windows come new wood trim around each window that needs painting. That’s what we’ve been doing and after four separate days of prepping and painting, we finally finished the downstairs this past weekend…in 89-degree weather and 75% humidity…and don’t even ask me how we’re gonna handle the 2nd-floor windows. Painting humor for you…but painting isn’t funny or fun.
Two painters go fishing and find a honey hole. They pull in huge keepers with every cast. They soon catch their limit and the first painter says to the other, “this lake is huge, too bad we won’t be able to find this spot again.”
With that, painter #2 jumps overboard and disappears below the water. A short time later he resurfaces and gets back in the boat.
Painter #1 – What the heck were you doing down there?
Painter #2 – I marked this spot by painting big red X on the bottom of the boat.
Painter #1 – You idiot! What if we don’t get the same boat?
The fishing season hasn’t opened yet, and a fisherman who doesn’t even have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, “Any luck?”
“Any luck? Heck yes, this is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday” he boasts.
“Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger.
“Well, meet the new game warden.”
“Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?”
“Nope,” said the game warden.
“Meet the biggest liar in the state.”
In the great tradition of American humor, the title of “First American Humorist” rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humor filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence.
In his Poor Richard’s Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings which are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.
- Remember that time is money.
- A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost, and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
- Fish and visitors smell in three days.
- Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
- God helps them that help themselves.
- Haste makes waste.
- Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?
- It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
- Little strokes fell great oaks.
- Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.
- Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
- Well done is better than well said.
- In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
- There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
- Never contradict anybody.
Our home is in construction mode while getting every window and screen replaced on both floors of the house. That mode includes workers using our downstairs bathroom – the window company didn’t provide an onsite porta potty – and noise, dust, and BUGS everywhere. They started their work last Wednesday and by Friday I had counted 12 mosquito bites on my body. Let’s face it, when a window is removed, bugs make a run for the border…that border being the portal into our home where a window used to be. So here it goes, my attempt at lightening my mood as there are two more days remaining of work this week.
- Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh, sorry, I’m still working on it.
- I find construction work to be riveting.
- I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I got home, all the signs were there.
- My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory, now they’ve gone into liquidation.
- Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
- Google says, “I know everything.” Facebook says, “I know everyone.” The internet says, “Without me, you’re all nothing.” Electricity says, “Keep talking, fools.”
Us Pacific Northwest residents spent months complaining about the rain and cold temperatures and now that it’s hot, we are of course dreaming of cooler days. (We aren’t easy to please, us PNWers.)
I went on my weekly grocery shopping trip the other day and what greeted me and every other shopper was the following oasis from the sweltering outdoor temperatures.
Such an easy effort on the store employees’ part, but it meant the world to me. You see, even the smallest of kindnesses can change the direction of a person’s day.
- I don’t make enough money to go on vacation so I’m just going to get drunk until I don’t know where I am.
- “How was your vacation?” “I’m analyzing it now. I only got eight likes but one of them was from someone really influential.”
- I don’t need a vacation, I’d be happy with a trip to the bathroom by myself…said every mother of young children.
- Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad.
- I don’t need a vacation, I just want time to sit, read, snack, and take a nap. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.
- I’m sorry your post-vacation workload has negated all the benefits of your vacation.
- Honey, pack your fat pants, we’re going on a cruise!
- There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation.
- If you answer “Awesome” to the question, “How are you?” you are either a) drunk; b) practicing your sarcasm; or c) on your last day before vacation or retirement.
Just recently received a notice that my Visa credit card will be replaced by another due to suspected fraudulent activity reported by a vendor. Apparently, 1000s of accounts have been affected. So today’s humor focuses on credit cards because I’m needing some humor right now because once the new card arrives, I will need to update 16 vendors/utility companies, etc. for which we pay our bills with the Visa card. Gotta get those miles, baby, thus the reason why we charge and pay off the balance every month.
- A woman placed her credit card on the dressing room visiting chair, tried on a new dress and asked the card, “Should I get this dress? How do I look in it?” to which the credit card said, “Meh.” That’s what she gets for having a no-interest credit card.
- They say numbers don’t lie but my recent credit card bill shows that I had a lot more fun on vacation than I actually did.
- A grizzly bear enters a fast food place for lunch and hands the employee a credit card to which the employee says, “Sorry, we don’t take credit cards. Hey, look at me, I’m stopping a charging grizzly! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
- I haven’t reported my credit card stolen because the person who stole it is spending less money than my spouse.
- A woman received a letter from her credit card company that said, “Due to the extremely responsible manner in which you have handled your account, your card has been canceled.”
We have two teachers in our immediate family: a daughter that teaches at a local high school and a son-in-law who teaches at a local elementary school. Time for some “Is it summer vacation time yet?” humor in celebration of teachers.
- Homework: the teacher’s way of finding out how smart the parents are.
- Every time someone types “to funny” I immediately picture them, fist in the air, going on a quest to find funny.
- I’m just a teacher, standing in front of an interactive projector, begging it to work for my lesson plan today.
- I hate it when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.
- Teaching is like acting if you were in five plays at once and you had to give every member of the audience a one on one performance.
- I love having parent conferences at the grocery store – said no teacher ever.
- Judging a teacher on their students’ test scores makes as much sense as judging a farmer on his crop without accounting for drought, freezes, or disease.
- And finally, a little admonishment for those student clock-watchers:
- You know you’re a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t just normal, it’s necessary. (Same applies to grandmothers, or is that just me?)
- Mother: one person who does the work of 20 for free.
- Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young, your mom may be one of them!
- Mom #1: How do you get your sleepyhead son to get up in the morning? Mom#2: How? Mom#1: Put the cat on the bed. Mom #2: How does that help? Mom #1: The dog is already there.
- A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language
- Sweater: something you wear when your mother gets cold.
- Bought my Mum a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”. I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.
- Many years ago, the best painkiller was ice; it was particularly effective if you poured whiskey over it.
- Throwback Thursday reminds me of when I only had to take one medication.
- Being sick is just your body’s way of saying you’re way to awesome and you need to slow down so everyone else can catch up.
- If you still have energy after walking up the stairs, your opinion about chronic pain is irrelevant.
- Said the doctor to his patient, handing him a bottle of pills: “I want you to take one of these every day until I think of something else.”
- My immune system attacks itself, what does yours do?
- You know you’re in pain when the sun is too loud.
- “But you don’t look sick.” “Please tell me what sick looks like and I’ll try to do better next time.”
- Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
- I’m not one to brag, but I totally got out of bed today.
- Where does it hurt? I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.
Last day of April and here comes May, pretty much my favorite month of the year: my grandson’s birthday, my birthday exactly one week later, and Mother’s Day. Let’s focus on birthdays and mothers for this week’s funnies.
- You know you’re getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
- Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
- Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest.
- Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its Motherboard.
- What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
- All mothers have intuition. Great mothers have radar.
- Simon’s mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate” to which Simon responded, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
The other day, I attended a photo session with my grandson and his parents. I managed to willingly make a fool of myself to make him laugh and smile for the camera, and it was my pleasure. Thus, photography is on my mind for this week’s funnies.
- Photography is an art of observation. It has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them. (Elliott Erwitt)
- There are no bad pictures, that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
- You might be a photographer’s child if you can’t play dress up without it becoming a photoshoot.
- I am a plastic surgeon, a magician, a stylist, a social media guru, a therapist, and a master of light. I am a photographer.
- Photographer nightmare: trying to get thirty half drunk & hungry people to look at you at the same time.
- How to irritate your professional photographer. “After you take that shot, can you take the same one with my phone?”
- A photographer went to a socialite party in New York. As he entered the front door, the host said, “I love your photographs, you must have a fantastic camera.” The photographer said nothing until the dinner was finished and then said, “That was a fabulous dinner, you must have a fantastic stove.”
- People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school.
- Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. (Jay Leno)
- I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say ‘No, Prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.’ (Jimmy Kimmel)
- Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy. (unknown)
- Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing. (unknown)
- Tax Day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. (Jimmy Kimmel)
- Death and Taxes: Of life’s two certainties taxes is the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
- On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. (Tom Lehrer)
Through today’s Monday funny, I’m venting about the State of Washington Department of Revenue website where I tried everything I possibly could to log in and file my quarterly business taxes ($0) for the first quarter of 2018. I used the super-secret-super-secure-your-life-depends-on-it Log in identity and password and nope! It didn’t work. I wrote them a missive by email over the weekend and will await their pearls of wisdom so I can be a fine, upstanding business person.
So lucky you, here are some still relevant statements about the government made by Will Rogers many years ago:
- “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
- “This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when a baby gets hold of a hammer.”
- “The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out.”
- “If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.”
- “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
- “The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.”
- “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.”
- If rolling your eyes burned calories, for many people Facebook would be their gym.
- Husband: “I think I’m doing fine. Do you really think I need glasses?” Wife: “Well, considering you’re trying to make a phone call using the TV remote, yes.”
- I wear glasses so I can dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward trying to do that with contact lenses.
- Women, you know you’re getting old when you have to wear your glasses in the shower to shave your legs.
- Did you hear the joke about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
- George’s long life was drawing to a close. His family surrounds him on his deathbed. George asks to see his optometrist. So his family gets Dr. Kaplan who on seeing George, says he hates seeing him like that and asks if there’s anything he can possibly do for him. George responds, “Doc, before I go, there’s one thing I have to know. Which one was clearer, A or B?
Sorry for missing a couple Lighten up Mondays. I return today and also introduce the new “symbol” of the series. This week’s focus is spring. I hope your Monday, and the remainder of the week, bring you reasons to smile.
- Why is everyone so tired on April 1?… Because they’ve just finished a long, 31 day march!
- What can be seen in the middle of the months ‘April’ and ‘March’, that cannot be seen in the beginning or end of either month?… the letter “r.”
- What falls but never gets hurt?… The rain!
- Why are frogs so happy?… They eat whatever bugs them.
- What do you call a rabbit with fleas?… Bugs Bunny
- Why did the farmer bury all his money?…. to make his soil rich!
- Why did the farmer plant a seed in his pond?… He was trying to grow a watermelon.
- How do rabbits keep their fur neat? They use a harebrush.
- What is a spring chick after it is five months old? 6 months old.
- What did the mother worm say to the little worm that was late? Where on earth have you been?
- Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night? Day.
- Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, 9/10ths of people wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.
- It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles, the chia pet I threw away in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
- Twice a year, we change our clocks for daylight saving time, and twice a year, one particular company assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. “Do you have a problem springing forward or falling back?” I asked. “Not at all” she responded, “What gets to me is staying up until 2 am to change the clock.”
This week, Valentine’s Day will be celebrated or it will be bemoaned. It’s just a day but some people put so much pressure on this Hallmark holiday that they end up being miserable leading up to the day, on the day, and the days following it. Here’s some sarcastic humor that just might ease some of the pressure.
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise, he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
- If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? – Jon Stewart
- I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is the proper way to cross a lake. – Stephen Colbert
- As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”
- Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
I rest my case.
Lack of sleep is no laughing matter, says me who has recently entered the valley of insomnia and is trying to climb out. My daughter recently turned me on to a sleep/anti-anxiety app called Calm which I highly recommend. For pennies a day, it has thus far provided the respite I need to fall asleep at night. But knowing that even in the ickiest of times, we can find humor, today’s humor focuses on that ever-fleeting element of our lives: sleep.
- I’m not always awake before 7 a.m. but when I am, it’s when I’ve yet to fall asleep.
- I hate when I’m tired and sleepy and when I get to bed, my body says, “Just kidding.”
- People who fall asleep quickly freak me out; I mean, don’t they have thoughts?
- Me: let me sleep. Brain: LOL, no, let’s stay awake and remember every stupid decision you’ve ever made in your life. Me: Okay.
- Dear 3 a.m., we have got to stop meeting this way; I’d much rather sleep with you.
- When I can’t sleep I try counting sheep and then my ADHD kicks in: one sheep, two sheep, cow, pig, Old MacDonald had a farm, Hey Macarena!
- My snack got lost in my purse so I guess I’m on a diet now
- I’m not interested in any diet that doesn’t allow rollover calories
- Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it
- They accidentally put lettuce on my Five Guys burger so I guess I’m officially dieting now
- If we lose weight when we stop drinking diet cola, just think how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting
- Apparently, my normal daily diet is something athletic people call “carbo-loading”
- Those of you on Facebook who are going on a cleanse diet, let me save you some time and tell you what happens: 1) you will be hungry; 2) you will poop your pants during your commute to work