Fun and Games
My dad was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really, he thinks garbagemen only work on Tuesdays.”
At the end of the school year, most of the focus is on the kids; that they are freed from the prison called school. Well, I have two children who are teachers, my stepdaughter, Kirstin, and my son-in-law, Kirby. Today’s funny is all about the teachers. I hope you’ll enjoy.
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”
Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not
Student: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”
And finally…for me, it’s as though it was just yesterday that I experienced this one:
Tomorrow I’ll be installing a new modem/router on our home computer. I feel fairly confident, but one never knows what mischief I could get into in the process. Here is some computer/technology humor in preparation for my endeavor.
On email addresses:
- I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
- My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was email@example.com.
- My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with firstname.lastname@example.org.
On giving out to much information, the TMI syndrome:
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.
On getting caught red-handed:
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”
Question on second-grade math quiz: “Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain.”
My grandson’s answer: “She was more thirsty.”
Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The student thinks it over, then answers, “The living one.”
Rock stars used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30!”
Now that many of them are over 50 they say, “Oops, we didn’t mean us.”
You Know Your Old When:
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic?
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
Tweets from a Jimmy Fallon episode:
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
On Valentiine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
- What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? (soy = “I am”)
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
- A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t drink here!” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”
- I entered what I ate today in my new smartphone fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
- Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
- I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
- Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
- People are a lot less judgy when you say you ate an avocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole.
- Subway is the healthiest fast-food out there because they make you get out of the car to get it.
- On a first date: It probably looks like I’m listening to your story, but I’m really thinking, “Close your menu or the waiter will never come over!”
I hope your week gives you something to laugh about at least once a day.