Fun and Games
If you’re reading these Monday funnies on October 9th, you’re having fun while I’m in an operating room getting a bionic hip. Therefore, some medical humor. And I’ll see all of you on the other side!!!
- I love being a nurse, but most of all I just like being able to wear scrubs all the time – they’re the closest thing to pajamas.
- My healthcare plan is pretty simple: I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
- Let’s take this week to thank nurses for all the crap they have to do. Seriously, everyone, they deserve the best seat in Heaven.
- My doctor is an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I hope that doesn’t mean he didn’t finish the rest of med school.
- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
- If you trust Google more than you trust your doctor, maybe it’s time to change doctors.
- Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
I know, these weren’t extraordinarily funny but I’m pretty sure you’d rather not change places with me.
Am I right?
- The first day of dieting is always the best. You’re supposed to rid your house of all bad foods…what a delicious way to start a diet.
- You know how it is when you feel like you’ve been dieting for months and realize it’s only been since 9 that morning?
- Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.
- Professional tip: if you sprinkle coconut oil into your kale, it makes it a lot easier to scrape it into the trash.
- How’s the diet going? Not good, I had eggs for breakfast. Scrambled? No, Cadbury.
- You know how it is when you decide to have a cheat meal and all of a sudden it’s three years later?
- I want to be a caterpillar: eat a lot, sleep for awhile, wake up beautiful.
- I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
There is absolutely nothing humorous about the traffic in which we find ourselves. Commuting, whether five miles or fifty, is rarely without its frustrations. Alas, some humor to remember the next time you’re fed up with traffic.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch all the fish?”
Teachers and students are heading back to the classroom this week. Here’s this week’s spotlight on humor with a focus on education.
- A child comes home from 1st day at school. Mom asks, “What did you learn today?” The child replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
- The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”
- What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
- One day on Mercury is approximately 1408 hours, the same as one Monday on Earth.
- Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
- Giving your child a recorder at school and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
- And for those teachers in my immediate family, Kirstin and Kirby: “May your coffee be strong and your students, calm.”
- Each time you open a book and read it, a tree smiles knowing there’s life after death.
- I’m not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
- Friend: “Why read when you can just watch the movie?” Me: “Why breathe when you’re just gonna die anyway?”
- Never judge a book by its movie.
- When something goes wrong in your life, just shout, “Plot twist!” and move on.
- I’m a bookaholic on the road to recovery…just kidding, I’m on the road to the bookstore.
- You know you’re a bookworm when your ultimate goal in life is to have your own special library in your house.
- Be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint.
- The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.
I had to add that last bit of humor because it’s more realistic to an author than anything else on this Earth.
Q: What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers
A patient arrived at the Emergency Room at 0400 with no complaints: “I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people. ”
My friend is a Botox junkie—she can’t stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when I reminded her to get her flu shot, she shuddered. “I hate needles,” she said. I had a solution: “Just pretend it will make your arm look younger.”
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”
“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”
“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”
Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local football team:
The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”
The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more touchdowns.”
The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
Q: Why do coaches like punters?
A: Because punters always put their best foot forward.
Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium upside down?
A. There’s nothing worth pooping on.
Q: Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.
Q: What’s the difference between the San Francisco 49ers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.