Fun and Games
Rock stars used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30!”
Now that many of them are over 50 they say, “Oops, we didn’t mean us.”
You Know Your Old When:
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic?
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
Tweets from a Jimmy Fallon episode:
I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
On Valentiine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to
My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
- What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? (soy = “I am”)
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
- A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t drink here!” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”
- I entered what I ate today in my new smartphone fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
- Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
- I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
- Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
- People are a lot less judgy when you say you ate an avocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole.
- Subway is the healthiest fast-food out there because they make you get out of the car to get it.
- On a first date: It probably looks like I’m listening to your story, but I’m really thinking, “Close your menu or the waiter will never come over!”
I hope your week gives you something to laugh about at least once a day.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the living room and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, “Jesus is watching you!”
Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice rang out again.
He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Ronald,” said the bird.
“That’s a stupid name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Ronald?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
My nieces and nephews will get a kick out of this one: 17 trees are saved by every ton of existing paper that is recycled. That means if we pulped every Harry Potter book we wouldn’t be able to see the sky for foliage.
And here’s a comic sure to bring a chuckle:
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913 to 7 million words today.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend over $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The amount of effort needed to calculate and pay federal income for individuals and businesses in the United States is the equivalent of a staff of 3 million people working full-time for a year.
The IRS employs 114,000 people — twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
Saw the cutest triplets in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. “What’s the matter Johnny?” asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: “That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home…I just want her to stay with you guys.”
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant so the boy asked the attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
She responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” The boy admitted that was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.”