Fun and Games
- People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school.
- Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag. (Jay Leno)
- I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say ‘No, Prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.’ (Jimmy Kimmel)
- Why won’t sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional courtesy. (unknown)
- Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing. (unknown)
- Tax Day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands. (Jimmy Kimmel)
- Death and Taxes: Of life’s two certainties taxes is the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
- On my income tax Form 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. (Tom Lehrer)
Through today’s Monday funny, I’m venting about the State of Washington Department of Revenue website where I tried everything I possibly could to log in and file my quarterly business taxes ($0) for the first quarter of 2018. I used the super-secret-super-secure-your-life-depends-on-it Log in identity and password and nope! It didn’t work. I wrote them a missive by email over the weekend and will await their pearls of wisdom so I can be a fine, upstanding business person.
So lucky you, here are some still relevant statements about the government made by Will Rogers many years ago:
- “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
- “This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when a baby gets hold of a hammer.”
- “The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out.”
- “If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.”
- “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
- “The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.”
- “The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.”
- If rolling your eyes burned calories, for many people Facebook would be their gym.
- Husband: “I think I’m doing fine. Do you really think I need glasses?” Wife: “Well, considering you’re trying to make a phone call using the TV remote, yes.”
- I wear glasses so I can dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward trying to do that with contact lenses.
- Women, you know you’re getting old when you have to wear your glasses in the shower to shave your legs.
- Did you hear the joke about the optician who fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
- George’s long life was drawing to a close. His family surrounds him on his deathbed. George asks to see his optometrist. So his family gets Dr. Kaplan who on seeing George, says he hates seeing him like that and asks if there’s anything he can possibly do for him. George responds, “Doc, before I go, there’s one thing I have to know. Which one was clearer, A or B?
Sorry for missing a couple Lighten up Mondays. I return today and also introduce the new “symbol” of the series. This week’s focus is spring. I hope your Monday, and the remainder of the week, bring you reasons to smile.
- Why is everyone so tired on April 1?… Because they’ve just finished a long, 31 day march!
- What can be seen in the middle of the months ‘April’ and ‘March’, that cannot be seen in the beginning or end of either month?… the letter “r.”
- What falls but never gets hurt?… The rain!
- Why are frogs so happy?… They eat whatever bugs them.
- What do you call a rabbit with fleas?… Bugs Bunny
- Why did the farmer bury all his money?…. to make his soil rich!
- Why did the farmer plant a seed in his pond?… He was trying to grow a watermelon.
- How do rabbits keep their fur neat? They use a harebrush.
- What is a spring chick after it is five months old? 6 months old.
- What did the mother worm say to the little worm that was late? Where on earth have you been?
- Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night? Day.
- Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, 9/10ths of people wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.
- It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles, the chia pet I threw away in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
- Twice a year, we change our clocks for daylight saving time, and twice a year, one particular company assistant arrives late to work the Monday after we do so. “Do you have a problem springing forward or falling back?” I asked. “Not at all” she responded, “What gets to me is staying up until 2 am to change the clock.”
This week, Valentine’s Day will be celebrated or it will be bemoaned. It’s just a day but some people put so much pressure on this Hallmark holiday that they end up being miserable leading up to the day, on the day, and the days following it. Here’s some sarcastic humor that just might ease some of the pressure.
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise, he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”