Fun and Games
This week, Valentine’s Day will be celebrated or it will be bemoaned. It’s just a day but some people put so much pressure on this Hallmark holiday that they end up being miserable leading up to the day, on the day, and the days following it. Here’s some sarcastic humor that just might ease some of the pressure.
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited. However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium. So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise, he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken. The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
- If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? – Jon Stewart
- I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is the proper way to cross a lake. – Stephen Colbert
- As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”
- Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
I rest my case.
Lack of sleep is no laughing matter, says me who has recently entered the valley of insomnia and is trying to climb out. My daughter recently turned me on to a sleep/anti-anxiety app called Calm which I highly recommend. For pennies a day, it has thus far provided the respite I need to fall asleep at night. But knowing that even in the ickiest of times, we can find humor, today’s humor focuses on that ever-fleeting element of our lives: sleep.
- I’m not always awake before 7 a.m. but when I am, it’s when I’ve yet to fall asleep.
- I hate when I’m tired and sleepy and when I get to bed, my body says, “Just kidding.”
- People who fall asleep quickly freak me out; I mean, don’t they have thoughts?
- Me: let me sleep. Brain: LOL, no, let’s stay awake and remember every stupid decision you’ve ever made in your life. Me: Okay.
- Dear 3 a.m., we have got to stop meeting this way; I’d much rather sleep with you.
- When I can’t sleep I try counting sheep and then my ADHD kicks in: one sheep, two sheep, cow, pig, Old MacDonald had a farm, Hey Macarena!
- My snack got lost in my purse so I guess I’m on a diet now
- I’m not interested in any diet that doesn’t allow rollover calories
- Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it
- They accidentally put lettuce on my Five Guys burger so I guess I’m officially dieting now
- If we lose weight when we stop drinking diet cola, just think how much we’d lose if we stopped dieting
- Apparently, my normal daily diet is something athletic people call “carbo-loading”
- Those of you on Facebook who are going on a cleanse diet, let me save you some time and tell you what happens: 1) you will be hungry; 2) you will poop your pants during your commute to work
- From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.– Winston Churchill
- I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose. – Steven Wright
- I get a lot of letters from people. They say: “I want to be a writer. What should I do?” I tell them to stop writing to me and get on with it. – Ruth Rendell
- If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers. – Irvin S. Cobb
- If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.– Anonymous
- The road to hell is paved with adverbs.– Stephen King
- If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson
- Learn to write. Never mind the damn statistics. If you like statistics, become a CPA.– Jim Murray
- The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere. – S.J. Perelman
- An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory.– Franklin P. Jones
- Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton
- It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. – Robert Benchley
- How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to screw it in,
One to sharpen all the pencils in the house,
One to make more coffee,
One to call a friend to chat,
And one to complain that there’s never time to do any writing.
Wait, that’s only five — that’s why they need editors.
Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since Miriam had moved to her new apartment.
“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B,” Miriam says. “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandmother, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
Miriam gasps, “You’re coming to visit me empty handed?”
- I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up … they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
- The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
- Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. – Golda Meir
- Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin
- Don’t be humble; you are not that great. – Golda Meir