Fun and Games
Us Pacific Northwest residents spent months complaining about the rain and cold temperatures and now that it’s hot, we are of course dreaming of cooler days. (We aren’t easy to please, us PNWers.)
I went on my weekly grocery shopping trip the other day and what greeted me and every other shopper was the following oasis from the sweltering outdoor temperatures.
Such an easy effort on the store employees’ part, but it meant the world to me. You see, even the smallest of kindnesses can change the direction of a person’s day.
- I don’t make enough money to go on vacation so I’m just going to get drunk until I don’t know where I am.
- “How was your vacation?” “I’m analyzing it now. I only got eight likes but one of them was from someone really influential.”
- I don’t need a vacation, I’d be happy with a trip to the bathroom by myself…said every mother of young children.
- Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad.
- I don’t need a vacation, I just want time to sit, read, snack, and take a nap. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.
- I’m sorry your post-vacation workload has negated all the benefits of your vacation.
- Honey, pack your fat pants, we’re going on a cruise!
- There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation.
- If you answer “Awesome” to the question, “How are you?” you are either a) drunk; b) practicing your sarcasm; or c) on your last day before vacation or retirement.
Just recently received a notice that my Visa credit card will be replaced by another due to suspected fraudulent activity reported by a vendor. Apparently, 1000s of accounts have been affected. So today’s humor focuses on credit cards because I’m needing some humor right now because once the new card arrives, I will need to update 16 vendors/utility companies, etc. for which we pay our bills with the Visa card. Gotta get those miles, baby, thus the reason why we charge and pay off the balance every month.
- A woman placed her credit card on the dressing room visiting chair, tried on a new dress and asked the card, “Should I get this dress? How do I look in it?” to which the credit card said, “Meh.” That’s what she gets for having a no-interest credit card.
- They say numbers don’t lie but my recent credit card bill shows that I had a lot more fun on vacation than I actually did.
- A grizzly bear enters a fast food place for lunch and hands the employee a credit card to which the employee says, “Sorry, we don’t take credit cards. Hey, look at me, I’m stopping a charging grizzly! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
- I haven’t reported my credit card stolen because the person who stole it is spending less money than my spouse.
- A woman received a letter from her credit card company that said, “Due to the extremely responsible manner in which you have handled your account, your card has been canceled.”
We have two teachers in our immediate family: a daughter that teaches at a local high school and a son-in-law who teaches at a local elementary school. Time for some “Is it summer vacation time yet?” humor in celebration of teachers.
- Homework: the teacher’s way of finding out how smart the parents are.
- Every time someone types “to funny” I immediately picture them, fist in the air, going on a quest to find funny.
- I’m just a teacher, standing in front of an interactive projector, begging it to work for my lesson plan today.
- I hate it when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.
- Teaching is like acting if you were in five plays at once and you had to give every member of the audience a one on one performance.
- I love having parent conferences at the grocery store – said no teacher ever.
- Judging a teacher on their students’ test scores makes as much sense as judging a farmer on his crop without accounting for drought, freezes, or disease.
- And finally, a little admonishment for those student clock-watchers:
- You know you’re a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt isn’t just normal, it’s necessary. (Same applies to grandmothers, or is that just me?)
- Mother: one person who does the work of 20 for free.
- Don’t wake up mom! There are at least seven species who eat their young, your mom may be one of them!
- Mom #1: How do you get your sleepyhead son to get up in the morning? Mom#2: How? Mom#1: Put the cat on the bed. Mom #2: How does that help? Mom #1: The dog is already there.
- A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language
- Sweater: something you wear when your mother gets cold.
- Bought my Mum a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”. I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.
- Many years ago, the best painkiller was ice; it was particularly effective if you poured whiskey over it.
- Throwback Thursday reminds me of when I only had to take one medication.
- Being sick is just your body’s way of saying you’re way to awesome and you need to slow down so everyone else can catch up.
- If you still have energy after walking up the stairs, your opinion about chronic pain is irrelevant.
- Said the doctor to his patient, handing him a bottle of pills: “I want you to take one of these every day until I think of something else.”
- My immune system attacks itself, what does yours do?
- You know you’re in pain when the sun is too loud.
- “But you don’t look sick.” “Please tell me what sick looks like and I’ll try to do better next time.”
- Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
- I’m not one to brag, but I totally got out of bed today.
- Where does it hurt? I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.
Last day of April and here comes May, pretty much my favorite month of the year: my grandson’s birthday, my birthday exactly one week later, and Mother’s Day. Let’s focus on birthdays and mothers for this week’s funnies.
- You know you’re getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
- Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
- Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest.
- Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its Motherboard.
- What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
- All mothers have intuition. Great mothers have radar.
- Simon’s mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate” to which Simon responded, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”