Fun and Games
We had new windows installed upstairs and downstairs – the whole house – and with new windows come new wood trim around each window that needs painting. That’s what we’ve been doing and after four separate days of prepping and painting, we finally finished the downstairs this past weekend…in 89-degree weather and 75% humidity…and don’t even ask me how we’re gonna handle the 2nd-floor windows. Painting humor for you…but painting isn’t funny or fun.
Two painters go fishing and find a honey hole. They pull in huge keepers with every cast. They soon catch their limit and the first painter says to the other, “this lake is huge, too bad we won’t be able to find this spot again.”
With that, painter #2 jumps overboard and disappears below the water. A short time later he resurfaces and gets back in the boat.
Painter #1 – What the heck were you doing down there?
Painter #2 – I marked this spot by painting big red X on the bottom of the boat.
Painter #1 – You idiot! What if we don’t get the same boat?
The fishing season hasn’t opened yet, and a fisherman who doesn’t even have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, “Any luck?”
“Any luck? Heck yes, this is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday” he boasts.
“Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger.
“Well, meet the new game warden.”
“Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?”
“Nope,” said the game warden.
“Meet the biggest liar in the state.”
In the great tradition of American humor, the title of “First American Humorist” rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humor filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence.
In his Poor Richard’s Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings which are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.
- Remember that time is money.
- A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost, and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
- Fish and visitors smell in three days.
- Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
- God helps them that help themselves.
- Haste makes waste.
- Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?
- It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
- Little strokes fell great oaks.
- Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.
- Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
- Well done is better than well said.
- In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
- There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
- Never contradict anybody.
Our home is in construction mode while getting every window and screen replaced on both floors of the house. That mode includes workers using our downstairs bathroom – the window company didn’t provide an onsite porta potty – and noise, dust, and BUGS everywhere. They started their work last Wednesday and by Friday I had counted 12 mosquito bites on my body. Let’s face it, when a window is removed, bugs make a run for the border…that border being the portal into our home where a window used to be. So here it goes, my attempt at lightening my mood as there are two more days remaining of work this week.
- Do you want to hear a construction joke? Oh, sorry, I’m still working on it.
- I find construction work to be riveting.
- I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I got home, all the signs were there.
- My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory, now they’ve gone into liquidation.
- Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
- Google says, “I know everything.” Facebook says, “I know everyone.” The internet says, “Without me, you’re all nothing.” Electricity says, “Keep talking, fools.”
Us Pacific Northwest residents spent months complaining about the rain and cold temperatures and now that it’s hot, we are of course dreaming of cooler days. (We aren’t easy to please, us PNWers.)
I went on my weekly grocery shopping trip the other day and what greeted me and every other shopper was the following oasis from the sweltering outdoor temperatures.
Such an easy effort on the store employees’ part, but it meant the world to me. You see, even the smallest of kindnesses can change the direction of a person’s day.
- I don’t make enough money to go on vacation so I’m just going to get drunk until I don’t know where I am.
- “How was your vacation?” “I’m analyzing it now. I only got eight likes but one of them was from someone really influential.”
- I don’t need a vacation, I’d be happy with a trip to the bathroom by myself…said every mother of young children.
- Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad.
- I don’t need a vacation, I just want time to sit, read, snack, and take a nap. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.
- I’m sorry your post-vacation workload has negated all the benefits of your vacation.
- Honey, pack your fat pants, we’re going on a cruise!
- There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation.
- If you answer “Awesome” to the question, “How are you?” you are either a) drunk; b) practicing your sarcasm; or c) on your last day before vacation or retirement.
Just recently received a notice that my Visa credit card will be replaced by another due to suspected fraudulent activity reported by a vendor. Apparently, 1000s of accounts have been affected. So today’s humor focuses on credit cards because I’m needing some humor right now because once the new card arrives, I will need to update 16 vendors/utility companies, etc. for which we pay our bills with the Visa card. Gotta get those miles, baby, thus the reason why we charge and pay off the balance every month.
- A woman placed her credit card on the dressing room visiting chair, tried on a new dress and asked the card, “Should I get this dress? How do I look in it?” to which the credit card said, “Meh.” That’s what she gets for having a no-interest credit card.
- They say numbers don’t lie but my recent credit card bill shows that I had a lot more fun on vacation than I actually did.
- A grizzly bear enters a fast food place for lunch and hands the employee a credit card to which the employee says, “Sorry, we don’t take credit cards. Hey, look at me, I’m stopping a charging grizzly! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
- I haven’t reported my credit card stolen because the person who stole it is spending less money than my spouse.
- A woman received a letter from her credit card company that said, “Due to the extremely responsible manner in which you have handled your account, your card has been canceled.”