Fun and Games

Lighten up Mondays

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Here are some great football jokes in honor of this past weekend’s pre-season start:

Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local football team:

The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more touchdowns.”

The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

*****

Q: Why do coaches like punters?
A: Because punters always put their best foot forward.

Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium upside down?
A. There’s nothing worth pooping on.

Q: Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.

Q: What’s the difference between the San Francisco 49ers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!

 

I’d love to see you on Thursday, August 17th!

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Just one week from today, I will hold my first author reading event and you can be front and center to witness it!

I hope those of you who live in the greater Puget Sound region of Washington State will be able to wend your way to Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park for my 7 pm event. It’s really, really close to Bothell and Kenmore, and not at all far from Redmond, Kirkland, and Bellevue.

Be sure to allow ample driving time…not only will people be in a rush to get home after their work day, but they’ll probably be clamoring to get to Lake Forest Park for my 7 pm event. 😉

Lighten up Mondays

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Because I’m in a grandparent-ty mood, today’s funnies focus on children:

  • What do you get when you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry.
  • What is a baby? A small human that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • A worried mother does better research than the FBI.
  • Shower Schizophrenia: The constant belief that you hear a baby crying when you’re trying to take a shower.
  • I see all these moms who can do everything, and then I think, “I should have them do stuff for me.”
  • My parents accused me of lying today. I looked at them and said, “Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny” and walked away like a boss.
  • I haven’t been able to get my kids to pay attention to anything I’ve said all day, so I’m gonna sit here and pretend I’m on the phone. That should do it…or try to sneak-eat a candy bar or read a book…same result.

Lighten up Mondays

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The following funnies came directly from a BuzzFeed page poking fun at book nerds:

  • He said, “Books or me.” I sometimes remember him when I’m buying new books.
  • I like big books and I can not lie.
  • A cartoon shows a husband and wife sitting in their reading chairs with an open book on each of their laps…but their chair tables were empty. “We forgot our reading glasses.” Lo’ and behold, a glass of red wine appeared on each of their tables in the next frame.

And here are a few from JokeQuote.com:

  • The great thing about books is that there are no commercials.
  • Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. – P.J. O’Rourke
  • I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. – Woody Allen
  • One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you’ve already finished it.
    – Franklin P. Jones
  • Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
    – Kyle Lippert
  • Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers. – Harry S Truman

Lighten up Mondays

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I’ve recently had some computer frustrations that regardless of what I do and regardless of who provides much needed technical assistance, the problems that caused those frustrations keep hanging around. Alas, in celebration of those frustrations, I provide these technological jokes

*****

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

*****

  • Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
  • The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
  • I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi router than my 
first child.
  • If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
  • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
  • To see a man or woman’s true face, look to the 
photos he or she hasn’t posted.
  • GPS map programs really need to start directions on step number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Lighten up Mondays

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My novel, Requiem for the Status Quowill be released on Thursday, July 20th (although it’s currently available for preorder on Amazon and Barnes & Noble). Here are a few jokes about the craft and those who attempt the craft.

*****

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

*****

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

*****

A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Lighten up Mondays

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America celebrates a birthday. Time to have some fun.

*****

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”

*****

Johnny: Does Europe have a 4th of July?
Josh: No.
Johnny: Yes, it does. It comes right after the 3rd of July.

*****

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

*****

Alvin: My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans.
Alex: Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?

*****

Just a reminder, that fireworks look a lot better when you’re not constantly checking your iPhone.