Fun and Games

Lighten up Mondays

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Hanukkah begins Tuesday, December 12th. It seems fitting that this week’s lighter fare would honor and focus on our Jewish community.

Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since Miriam had moved to her new apartment.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex.  I am in apartment 2B,” Miriam says. “There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 2.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandmother, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Miriam gasps, “You’re coming to visit me empty handed?”

*****

  • I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up … they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
  • The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
  • Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.  He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. – Golda Meir
  • Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin
  • Don’t be humble; you are not that great. – Golda Meir

 

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Lighten up Mondays

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

*****

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him.”

*****

And one last Monday funny.

Goodreads Giveaway: REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO

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Those of you familiar with Goodreads know that authors give away tons of books on that site all year round. I figured, I’m an author, and I’m pretty generous, so I think I’ll give away some paperback books as well!

Go to Goodreads (you’ll have to be a registered user to participate) and enter my 6-book giveaway that starts today, December 1st, and runs through December 8th. It’s easy to register on Goodreads, you don’t even have to create a new user persona; you can register using your Facebook, Twitter, Google, or Amazon log-in information.

Once you’re a registered user, follow these steps:

  • go to the Browse drop-down menu
  • click on Giveaways
  • towards right-hand side, click on Recently Listed
  • filter by Print Giveaways – as opposed to Kindle Giveaways or All Giveaways
  • and search for my novel, Requiem for the status quo.

Be certain to read the description of the giveaway that I’ve created. I want you to be clear on what it is I’m offering for free.

Goodreads does all the work in acquiring names and shipping information, they’ll notify me of the six randomly selected Giveaway winners, then I’ll send out a copy of my novel to six lucky winners within a week’s time.

You’ve got nothing to lose…what are you waiting for?

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Can’t not joke about food during the Holiday season.

  • To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
  • I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  • Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But smoking bacon will cure it.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  • Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
  • So far eating hasn’t filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I’m no quitter.

Lighten up Mondays

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The first event of the 2017 Holiday season, Thanksgiving Day, is just hours away. Time to get into the mood, y’all.

*****

Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling off?

The buckle was on his hat!

*****

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.

*****

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

*****

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

*****

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December.

 

Lighten up Mondays

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We’ve programmed our landline to provide a specific song for each member of our family. If one of those songs comes up when a call comes in, we answer the phone. If not, we ignore the phone…except that still doesn’t prevent telemarketers from messing with our peace and quiet with their incessant calls…and don’t get me started on the upcoming election season with all their pleas for votes. I recently added Call Blocking to our phone service that is slated to go into effect today, Monday, October 23rd. Here are some telemarketer jokes that I hope signal the end of our household’s unwanted calls.

*****

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”

6. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

7. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

10. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Lighten up Mondays

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If you’re reading these Monday funnies on October 9th, you’re having fun while I’m in an operating room getting a bionic hip. Therefore, some medical humor. And I’ll see all of you on the other side!!!

  • I love being a nurse, but most of all I just like being able to wear scrubs all the time – they’re the closest thing to pajamas.
  • My healthcare plan is pretty simple: I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
  • Let’s take this week to thank nurses for all the crap they have to do. Seriously, everyone, they deserve the best seat in Heaven.
  • My doctor is an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I hope that doesn’t mean he didn’t finish the rest of med school.
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
  • If you trust Google more than you trust your doctor, maybe it’s time to change doctors.
  • Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

I know, these weren’t extraordinarily funny but I’m pretty sure you’d rather not change places with me.

Am I right?