Fun and Games

Lighten up Mondays

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Just had to provide humor for those who are writers, and those who want to be writers.

  • From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.– Winston Churchill
  • I wrote a few children’s books. Not on purpose. – Steven Wright
  • I get a lot of letters from people. They say: “I want to be a writer. What should I do?” I tell them to stop writing to me and get on with it. – Ruth Rendell
  • If writers were good businessmen, they’d have too much sense to be writers. – Irvin S. Cobb
  • If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published.– Anonymous
  • The road to hell is paved with adverbs.– Stephen King
  • If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. – Doug Larson
  • Learn to write. Never mind the damn statistics. If you like statistics, become a CPA.– Jim Murray
  • The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere. – S.J. Perelman
  • An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory.– Franklin P. Jones
  • Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.– Christopher Hampton
  • It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous. – Robert Benchley
  • How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Six:
    One to screw it in,
    One to sharpen all the pencils in the house,
    One to make more coffee,
    One to call a friend to chat,
    And one to complain that there’s never time to do any writing.
    Wait, that’s only five — that’s why they need editors.

Lighten up Mondays

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Hanukkah begins Tuesday, December 12th. It seems fitting that this week’s lighter fare would honor and focus on our Jewish community.

Miriam, an old, Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. It was the first time he had visited her since Miriam had moved to her new apartment.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex.  I am in apartment 2B,” Miriam says. “There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 2.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandmother, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

Miriam gasps, “You’re coming to visit me empty handed?”

*****

  • I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up … they have no holidays. – Henny Youngman
  • The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin
  • Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.  He took us 40 years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil. – Golda Meir
  • Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother. – Peter Malkin
  • Don’t be humble; you are not that great. – Golda Meir

 

Lighten up Mondays

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It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

*****

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him.”

*****

And one last Monday funny.

Goodreads Giveaway: REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO

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Those of you familiar with Goodreads know that authors give away tons of books on that site all year round. I figured, I’m an author, and I’m pretty generous, so I think I’ll give away some paperback books as well!

Go to Goodreads (you’ll have to be a registered user to participate) and enter my 6-book giveaway that starts today, December 1st, and runs through December 8th. It’s easy to register on Goodreads, you don’t even have to create a new user persona; you can register using your Facebook, Twitter, Google, or Amazon log-in information.

Once you’re a registered user, follow these steps:

  • go to the Browse drop-down menu
  • click on Giveaways
  • towards right-hand side, click on Recently Listed
  • filter by Print Giveaways – as opposed to Kindle Giveaways or All Giveaways
  • and search for my novel, Requiem for the status quo.

Be certain to read the description of the giveaway that I’ve created. I want you to be clear on what it is I’m offering for free.

Goodreads does all the work in acquiring names and shipping information, they’ll notify me of the six randomly selected Giveaway winners, then I’ll send out a copy of my novel to six lucky winners within a week’s time.

You’ve got nothing to lose…what are you waiting for?

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Can’t not joke about food during the Holiday season.

  • To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
  • Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
  • I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  • Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But smoking bacon will cure it.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
  • Up until I bought this bag of chips I thought the air was free.
  • So far eating hasn’t filled the emptiness I feel inside, but I’m no quitter.

Lighten up Mondays

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The first event of the 2017 Holiday season, Thanksgiving Day, is just hours away. Time to get into the mood, y’all.

*****

Why did the pilgrim’s pants keep falling off?

The buckle was on his hat!

*****

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand.

*****

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.

Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

*****

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

*****

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December.

 

Lighten up Mondays

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We’ve programmed our landline to provide a specific song for each member of our family. If one of those songs comes up when a call comes in, we answer the phone. If not, we ignore the phone…except that still doesn’t prevent telemarketers from messing with our peace and quiet with their incessant calls…and don’t get me started on the upcoming election season with all their pleas for votes. I recently added Call Blocking to our phone service that is slated to go into effect today, Monday, October 23rd. Here are some telemarketer jokes that I hope signal the end of our household’s unwanted calls.

*****

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”

6. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

7. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

10. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Lighten up Mondays

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If you’re reading these Monday funnies on October 9th, you’re having fun while I’m in an operating room getting a bionic hip. Therefore, some medical humor. And I’ll see all of you on the other side!!!

  • I love being a nurse, but most of all I just like being able to wear scrubs all the time – they’re the closest thing to pajamas.
  • My healthcare plan is pretty simple: I’m covered as long as I stay healthy.
  • Let’s take this week to thank nurses for all the crap they have to do. Seriously, everyone, they deserve the best seat in Heaven.
  • My doctor is an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I hope that doesn’t mean he didn’t finish the rest of med school.
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.
  • If you trust Google more than you trust your doctor, maybe it’s time to change doctors.
  • Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

I know, these weren’t extraordinarily funny but I’m pretty sure you’d rather not change places with me.

Am I right?

 

Lighten up Mondays

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I’m not on a diet but thought I’d spotlight dieting humor this week.

  • The first day of dieting is always the best. You’re supposed to rid your house of all bad foods…what a delicious way to start a diet.
  • You know how it is when you feel like you’ve been dieting for months and realize it’s only been since 9 that morning?
  • Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy Twinkies.
  • Professional tip: if you sprinkle coconut oil into your kale, it makes it a lot easier to scrape it into the trash.
  • How’s the diet going? Not good, I had eggs for breakfast. Scrambled? No, Cadbury.
  • You know how it is when you decide to have a cheat meal and all of a sudden it’s three years later?
  • I want to be a caterpillar: eat a lot, sleep for awhile, wake up beautiful.
  • I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

Lighten up Mondays

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There is absolutely nothing humorous about the traffic in which we find ourselves. Commuting, whether five miles or fifty, is rarely without its frustrations. Alas, some humor to remember the next time you’re fed up with traffic.

*****

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

*****

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch all the fish?”

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Time for a new Lighten up Mondays logo

Teachers and students are heading back to the classroom this week. Here’s this week’s spotlight on humor with a focus on education.

  • A child comes home from 1st day at school. Mom asks, “What did you learn today?” The child replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
  • The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”
  • What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
  • One day on Mercury is approximately 1408 hours, the same as one Monday on Earth.
  • Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
    Milton: I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.
  • Giving your child a recorder at school and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
  • And for those teachers in my immediate family, Kirstin and Kirby: “May your coffee be strong and your students, calm.”

 

Lighten up Mondays

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I’m in a book kind of mood, having had a most successful author event at a local bookstore this past Saturday. Here’s some reading and book humor to start off the week.

  • Each time you open a book and read it, a tree smiles knowing there’s life after death.
  • I’m not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.
  • Friend: “Why read when you can just watch the movie?” Me: “Why breathe when you’re just gonna die anyway?”
  • Never judge a book by its movie.
  • When something goes wrong in your life, just shout, “Plot twist!” and move on.
  • I’m a bookaholic on the road to recovery…just kidding, I’m on the road to the bookstore.
  • You know you’re a bookworm when your ultimate goal in life is to have your own special library in your house.
  • Be careful about reading health books, you may die of a misprint.
  • The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.

I had to add that last bit of humor because it’s more realistic to an author than anything else on this Earth.

Lighten up Mondays

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I’m in the mood for some medical humor, so here goes:

Q: What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

*****

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

*****

A patient arrived at the Emergency Room at 0400 with no complaints: “I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people. ”

*****

My friend is a Botox junkie—she can’t stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when I reminded her to get her flu shot, she shuddered. “I hate needles,” she said. I had a solution: “Just pretend it will make your arm look younger.”

*****

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

“Well,” the director said, “we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub.”

“I get it,” the visitor said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

“No,” the director said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

Lighten up Mondays

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Here are some great football jokes in honor of this past weekend’s pre-season start:

Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local football team:

The first fan blamed…: “I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan blamed…: “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more touchdowns.”

The third fan blamed…: “I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

*****

Q: Why do coaches like punters?
A: Because punters always put their best foot forward.

Q. Why do ducks fly over Gillette Stadium upside down?
A. There’s nothing worth pooping on.

Q: Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
A: The one with the biggest head.

Q: What’s the difference between the San Francisco 49ers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!!!

 

I’d love to see you on Thursday, August 17th!

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Just one week from today, I will hold my first author reading event and you can be front and center to witness it!

I hope those of you who live in the greater Puget Sound region of Washington State will be able to wend your way to Third Place Books in Lake Forest Park for my 7 pm event. It’s really, really close to Bothell and Kenmore, and not at all far from Redmond, Kirkland, and Bellevue.

Be sure to allow ample driving time…not only will people be in a rush to get home after their work day, but they’ll probably be clamoring to get to Lake Forest Park for my 7 pm event. 😉

Lighten up Mondays

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Because I’m in a grandparent-ty mood, today’s funnies focus on children:

  • What do you get when you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry.
  • What is a baby? A small human that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • A worried mother does better research than the FBI.
  • Shower Schizophrenia: The constant belief that you hear a baby crying when you’re trying to take a shower.
  • I see all these moms who can do everything, and then I think, “I should have them do stuff for me.”
  • My parents accused me of lying today. I looked at them and said, “Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny” and walked away like a boss.
  • I haven’t been able to get my kids to pay attention to anything I’ve said all day, so I’m gonna sit here and pretend I’m on the phone. That should do it…or try to sneak-eat a candy bar or read a book…same result.

Lighten up Mondays

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The following funnies came directly from a BuzzFeed page poking fun at book nerds:

  • He said, “Books or me.” I sometimes remember him when I’m buying new books.
  • I like big books and I can not lie.
  • A cartoon shows a husband and wife sitting in their reading chairs with an open book on each of their laps…but their chair tables were empty. “We forgot our reading glasses.” Lo’ and behold, a glass of red wine appeared on each of their tables in the next frame.

And here are a few from JokeQuote.com:

  • The great thing about books is that there are no commercials.
  • Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. – P.J. O’Rourke
  • I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. – Woody Allen
  • One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you’ve already finished it.
    – Franklin P. Jones
  • Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
    – Kyle Lippert
  • Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers. – Harry S Truman

Lighten up Mondays

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I’ve recently had some computer frustrations that regardless of what I do and regardless of who provides much needed technical assistance, the problems that caused those frustrations keep hanging around. Alas, in celebration of those frustrations, I provide these technological jokes

*****

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

*****

  • Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
  • The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
  • I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi router than my 
first child.
  • If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
  • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
  • To see a man or woman’s true face, look to the 
photos he or she hasn’t posted.
  • GPS map programs really need to start directions on step number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Lighten up Mondays

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My novel, Requiem for the Status Quowill be released on Thursday, July 20th (although it’s currently available for preorder on Amazon and Barnes & Noble). Here are a few jokes about the craft and those who attempt the craft.

*****

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

*****

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

*****

A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in a second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is–”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

Lighten up Mondays

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America celebrates a birthday. Time to have some fun.

*****

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.”

*****

Johnny: Does Europe have a 4th of July?
Josh: No.
Johnny: Yes, it does. It comes right after the 3rd of July.

*****

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

*****

Alvin: My great-grandfather fought with Napoleon, my grandfather fought with the French and my father fought with the Americans.
Alex: Your relatives couldn’t get along with anyone, could they?

*****

Just a reminder, that fireworks look a lot better when you’re not constantly checking your iPhone.

Lighten up Mondays

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I can’t NOT provide humor about the hot weather being experienced country-wide, and globally this summer.

*****

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime to enjoy the hot days, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.

Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

“Well,” he replied, “you better start thinking about it. You’ll be thirty before you know it.”

“But I’m closer to twenty than to thirty,” I protested. “I won’t be thirty for eight more years.”

“I see,” he said, smiling. “And when will you be twenty again?”

*****

You know it’s hot when:

  • You can make instant sun tea.
  • You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
  • You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
  • You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  • It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
  • No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
  • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
  • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Lighten up Mondays

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Father’s Day was celebrated in some countries yesterday. Here is some humor centered around the dad in the home.

My dad was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

*****

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

*****

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

*****

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really, he thinks garbagemen only work on Tuesdays.”

Lighten up Mondays

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At the end of the school year, most of the focus is on the kids; that they are freed from the prison called school. Well, I have two children who are teachers, my stepdaughter, Kirstin, and my son-in-law, Kirby. Today’s funny is all about the teachers. I hope you’ll enjoy.

Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”

*****

Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

*****

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not
Student: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

*****

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”

*****

And finally…for me, it’s as though it was just yesterday that I experienced this one:

Lighten up Mondays

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Tomorrow I’ll be installing a new modem/router on our home computer. I feel fairly confident, but one never knows what mischief I could get into in the process. Here is some computer/technology humor in preparation for my endeavor.

On email addresses:

  • I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is malware@company.com.
  • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was stoner@company.co.in.
  • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with japan@university.edu.

On giving out to much information, the TMI syndrome:

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist.

On getting caught red-handed:

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught.

“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop 
monitor.”

“I lied and told my dad school 
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see 
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”

“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”

Lighten up Mondays

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Schools are getting closer and closer to getting out for summer. Here are some scholarly jokes for your enjoyment.

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

*****

One hard thing to explain to teens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.

*****

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.”

*****

Question on second-grade math quiz: “Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain.”

My grandson’s answer: “She was more thirsty.”

*****

Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

The student thinks it over, then answers, “The living one.”

Lighten up Mondays

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I celebrated my birthday last week, an event that really doesn’t bother me. There are those who aren’t quite enamored with getting older. Here’s some humor for you:

Rock stars used to say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30!”
Now that many of them are over 50 they say, “Oops, we didn’t mean us.”

***

You Know Your Old When:

  • You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
  • People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
  • The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Time for some humor at the expense of mothers everywhere: texting acronyms.

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

***

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic?

***

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

***

Tweets from a Jimmy Fallon episode:

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.”
@StefenColalillo

On Valentiine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to 
abbreviate, Mom.
@HollyLouHarris

My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.”
@stefaniLegs

Lighten up Mondays

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Time for a play on words on food.

  • What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? (soy = “I am”)
  • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
  • A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t drink here!” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”
  • I entered what I ate today in my new smartphone fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
  • Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
  • I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
  • Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
  • People are a lot less judgy when you say you ate an avocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole.
  • Subway is the healthiest fast-food out there because they make you get out of the car to get it.
  • On a first date: It probably looks like I’m listening to your story, but I’m really thinking, “Close your menu or the waiter will never come over!”

I hope your week gives you something to laugh about at least once a day.

 

Lighten up Mondays

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.  He stealthily crept through the living room and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped again, he was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a parrot in a birdcage.Hilarious Parrot Story

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Ronald,” said the bird.

“That’s a stupid name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Ronald?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Lighten up Mondays

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Earth Day was Saturday, April 22nd, but we should always be focused on the place on which we live.

My nieces and nephews will get a kick out of this one: 17 trees are saved by every ton of existing paper that is recycled. That means if we pulped every Harry Potter book we wouldn’t be able to see the sky for foliage.

*****

And here’s a comic sure to bring a chuckle:

  • Credit Crunch Chicken