Living: the ultimate team sport

Lighten up Mondays

Posted on October 23, 2017 Updated on October 22, 2017

We’ve programmed our landline to provide a specific song for each member of our family. If one of those songs comes up when a call comes in, we answer the phone. If not, we ignore the phone…except that still doesn’t prevent telemarketers from messing with our peace and quiet with their incessant calls…and don’t get me started on the upcoming election season with all their pleas for votes. I recently added Call Blocking to our phone service that is slated to go into effect today, Monday, October 23rd. Here are some telemarketer jokes that I hope signal the end of our household’s unwanted calls.

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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”

6. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

7. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

8. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

10. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.