- What do you get when you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry.
- What is a baby? A small human that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
- What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
- A worried mother does better research than the FBI.
- Shower Schizophrenia: The constant belief that you hear a baby crying when you’re trying to take a shower.
- I see all these moms who can do everything, and then I think, “I should have them do stuff for me.”
- My parents accused me of lying today. I looked at them and said, “Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny” and walked away like a boss.
- I haven’t been able to get my kids to pay attention to anything I’ve said all day, so I’m gonna sit here and pretend I’m on the phone. That should do it…or try to sneak-eat a candy bar or read a book…same result.