A preacher was asked to give a talk at a women’s health symposium. His wife asked about his topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Thinking quickly, he replied, “I’m going to be talking about sailing.”
“Oh, that’s nice,” said his wife.
The next day at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the minister’s wife. “That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday,” she said. “He really has a unique perspective on the subject.”
Somewhat surprised, the minister’s wife replied, “Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he’s only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time, his hat blew off!”
Only 31 days left in 2013. Here are a few serious and not so serious dates to celebrate:
Monthly events: Bingo Month; and Write a Friend Month (a real, paper letter, not a Tweet, text, e-mail, FB post, etc.)
Dec. 1: Eat a Red Apple Day; and World Aids Awareness Day
Dec. 3: National Roof over your Head Day (definitely something for which to be grateful)
Dec. 5: End of Hanukkah (Chanukah); and Bathtub Party Day
Dec. 6: St. Nicholas Day
Dec. 7: Pearl Harbor Day
Dec. 8: National Brownie Day (yum!); and International Children’s Day (I’m happy for the children in my life)
Dec. 10: Human Rights Day
Dec. 12: National Ding-a-Ling Day (probably not the same intent as that from the song “My Ding-a-Ling” written and recorded by Dave Bartholomew; also covered by Chuck Berry in 1972)
Dec. 16: National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
Dec. 21: Humbug Day; and 1st Day of Winter (makes sense)
Dec. 24: National Chocolate Day (I’m sensing a trend)
Dec. 25: Christmas Day
Dec. 26: Kwanzaa; and Boxing Day
Dec. 27: National Fruitcake Day (do they drop them off tops of buildings?)
Dec. 31: Make up your Mind Day (I will make up my mind not to have any New Years resolutions)
The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside.
The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again! Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but again, the kangaroo escaped.
A giraffe asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll build the fence?”
“I don’t know,” said the kangaroo. “Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.”
A computer salesman dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell.
First he shows the man heaven, where people in white robes play harps and float around. “Dull,” says the computer salesman.
Next St. Peter shows him hell: toga parties, fabulous food and wine, and people looking as though they’re having a great time. “I’ll take hell,” he says.
The salesman enters the gates of hell and is immediately set upon by a dozen demons who poke him with pitchforks. “Hey!” the salesman demands as Satan walks past, “what happened to the party I saw going on?”
“Ah,” Satan replies. “You must have seen our demo.”
A well-turned out man was driving his new BMW convertible. He had the top down, his right hand on the wheel, and his left arm hanging out the driver’s side window. With his IPod going full blast and singing at full voice himself, he didn’t notice that a rust bucket of a vehicle had pulled around to pass him and sideswiped the BMW in the process. The wealthy man pulled to a stop.
“My car!” he cried, “my beautiful car!”
When a policeman came by, the man told the officer about the accident. His car was a wreck, and it didn’t even have 50 miles on the odometer!
“You’ve got more to worry about than your car, sir” replied the officer. “You need an ambulance. Your arm is badly injured.”
The driver looked at his arm and cried, “My Rolex! My beautiful Rolex!”
A couple fishing and hunting stories. First the fish:
Said a fisherman after removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water:
“Don’t show up around here anymore without your parents!”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Harry?” asked another hunter.
“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered.
“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
“It was a tough call,” said the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Harry.”
As is customary each month, I am providing celebrations – some fiction, some non-fiction – that you might consider in November.
Maple tree on my street
Month: Aviation History Month; and National Novel Writing Month (very interested in the latter because I am still struggling to finalize my own novel)
Nov. 2: Book Lovers Day (I am an extreme book lover); and move your clocks back one hour when you go to bed today if you have been observing Daylight Savings Time)
Nov. 6: Marooned without a Compass Day
Nov. 8: Cook Something Bold Day (for some of you, that may simply be a peanut butter & jelly sandwich)
Nov. 11: Veteran’s Day (thank you everyone who is serving, or has served, your country in this manner)
Nov. 13: World Kindness Day (if everyone observed this holiday every day, there would be no need for wars)
Nov. 15: Clean Your Refrigerator Day; and America Recycles Day (makes sense to me)
Nov. 17: World Peace Day (see Nov. 13)
Nov. 21: Great American Smokeout (millions have quit so it must be possible – will this be your chance?)
Nov. 23: National Adoption Day (in honor of my sister, Mary, and her daughter, Kristina)
Nov. 28: Thanksgiving Day (which doesn’t have to be about food – it can be about feeling and expressing your gratitude)
The three-time crook felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he’d never beat the current murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kindlier-looking jurors and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial, the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison.
“Thank you, thank you – how’d you do it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” she admitted, “they all wanted to acquit you.”
With all the talk in the United States about insurance – the type used for health – I decided to provide insurance humor of a different type.
Customer: “I’d like to insure my house. Can I do it over the phone?”
Insurance agent: “No. I’m afraid a personal inspection is necessary.
Customer: “Okay, but you better get over here quick – the house is on fire.”
When Dan’s house burned down, his first phone call was to the guy who’d sold him his homeowner’s policy. “I need a check for the cash value of my house, and I need it as soon as possible,” he said firmly.
“I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way,” explained the insurance agent politely. “See, yours was a replacement policy, which means that we’ll be rebuilding the house exactly as it was before.”
“I see,” said Dan, after a long pause. “In that case, I want to cancel the policy on my wife.”
And now a joke that many of us Baby Boomers will be able to relate to: What’s the best thing about turning sixty-five? No more calls from insurance salesmen.
Monthly: Adopt a Shelter Dog Month; Breast Cancer Awareness Month; Cookie Month; Domestic Violence Awareness Month; National Pizza Month and National Vegetarian Month; which leads us to Sarcastic Month.
Daily (some of them anyway):
Oct. 1: World Vegetarian Day
Oct. 5: Do Something Nice Day and World Teacher’s Day (thank you Kirby and Kirstin!)
Oct. 7: Bald and Free Day (love you honey!) and World Smile Day
Oct. 9: Moldy Cheese Day
Oct. 11: It’s My Party Day
Oct. 12: Moment of Frustration Day (which I celebrate every day in traffic)
Oct. 13: International Skeptics Day (yah, right)
Oct. 17: Wear Something Gaudy Day, followed quite appropriately by,
Oct. 19: Evaluate your Life Day
Oct. 21: Babbling Day
Oct. 23: National Mole Day – I can’t believe these nuisance rodents get their own day
Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing the engineer’s name there, accidentally sends the engineer to hell. Once in hell, it doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says, “So, how are things in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What?” God exclaims, “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to hell. Send him to me at once.”
“Not a chance,” Satan replies. “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God insists, “Send him back or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Here’s what appears to be a true story from an Australian court case:
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, the woman complained to the bus driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up to court. The judge asked the man, aged approximately 20 years old, what he had to say for himself, and the man replied,
“Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’, so I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident!’ I just lost it.”
With a focus on education – here’s this week’s Monday humor, starting with a Q&A and then on to three jokes:
Question: What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Answer: I don’t know and I don’t care.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the store manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated. Now he’s suing them for wasting seven years of his life.
Which leads me to this last joke:
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
Humor on aging – this is for everyone out there, because the only way to avoid getting old is to not make it that far, or perhaps:
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
There’s one advantage to being 102 years old – there’s no peer pressure.
Andrew was a dutiful son who accompanied his dad to his regular checkups with the urologist.
“And how’s your urine flow, Mr. Gunderson?” asked the doctor when they were seated in his office.
“Fine, just fine, Doctor, and God helps,” quavered Gunderson cheerfully. “He turns the light on when I start, turns it off when I stop, and I don’t have to do a thing.”
“Oh, no,” groaned the son, as the puzzled urologist looked over at him. “Dad’s peeing in the refrigerator again.”
Red Pontiac Firebird (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Just as the elderly woman was turning her Mercedes into a parking space at the mall, she was edged out by a red Firebird. “You’ve got to be young and fast,” jeered the teenaged driver as he jumped out from behind the wheel.
The woman reversed, revved her engine, and rammed the Firebird. As the Mercedes reversed and headed for the Firebird again, the teenager turned and gaped, then ran over and banged on the older woman’s window. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he screeched.
She smiled sweetly and explained, “You’ve got to be old and rich.”
Back to school for lots of the younger set out there, so the older set might have a wee bit of time to catch up on their reading – starting with this month’s celebrations – some wacky, some serious.
Monthly celebrations: Classical Music Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, National Courtesy Month, and Self-Improvement Month
Daily – some of which I’ve skipped:
Emma Nutt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
September 1: Emma M. Nutt Day – the first woman telephone operator
September 2: Labor Day, of course, but also National Beheading Day (don’t lose your head over this one)
September 4: Newspaper Carrier Day (I hope these people never lose their job because that would mean that the paper newspaper has become a thing of the past)
September 5: Be Late for Something Day – but not your own wedding!
September 6: Read a Book Day ; also Fight Procrastination Day
September 8:Grandparent’s Day – be sure to click on the link I’ve attached to see how Australia honors grandparents!
September 10: Swap Ideas Day
September 11: 911 Remembrance Day; also No News is Good News Day (which seems appropriate considering)
September 13: Blame Someone Else Day (it wasn’t me!)
September 16: Step Family Day (yippee!); also Mexican Independence Day
September 19: International Talk Like a Pirate Day
September 21: International Peace Day – best day of the month, and timely to say the least
September 27: Native American Day
September 28: National Good Neighbor Day – establish your own friendly neighborhood watch; simply watch out for one another
It’s definitely not moose hunting season so I can’t come up with any reasonable explanation that even makes the smallest bit of sense in this recent moose abuse news article.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Seattle Mariners baseball team mascot, the Mariner Moose, was on-site at a Seattle area Boeing plant on “public safety day” when one of the Boeing employees reared back his fist and punched the moose in the snout. Mind you, the snout is quite padded and is certainly more than adequate at protecting the person behind the mascot moosona (not persona, moosona) but what brought on this moose abuse?
If the former NY Yankees’ mascot (1979 – 1981) Dandy, were still around, no explanation would be needed if someone had punched the Dandy. Seattle fans don’t like the Yankees, and I’m sure the feelings are mutual. But what did the Mariner Moose do in its illustrious mascot career to deserve such an assault? Everyone is treating this incident as humorous – everyone except the Boeing Company. A disciplinary action has been initiated to look into this employee’s amoosing behavior.
If you’ve not seen one of my celebration posts yet, please note that so many of the “celebrations” I post are made up by some entity on the Internet. I like the fact that any person at any time can feel free to be creative and post “official” monthly celebrations. Speaking of which:
Monthly: Admit You’re Happy Month; Water Quality Month
Weekly: 1st week: National simplify your life week; 2nd week: National Smile Week :-); 3rd week: Friendship Week; 4th week: Be kind to humankind week
August 1: National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
August 4: Friendship Day; International Forgiveness Day (makes sense to me!)
August 6: Wiggle your toes Day
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
August 8: Sneak some zucchini onto your neighbor’s porch Day (obviously a bumper crop this year)
August 9: Book lovers Day (love it!)
August 13: Left hander’s Day
August 16: National tell a joke Day; (did you hear the one about … )
August 21: Senior Citizen’s Day (hip hip hooray!)
August 25: Kiss and make up Day
August 26: Women’s equality Day (Amen!!!)
August 27: Global forgiveness Day
August 30: Toasted marshmallow Day (get the graham crackers and chocolate bars ready!)
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
August 31: National trail mix Day (the snack that tries to be healthy but tastes too darn good to actually be healthy)
A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they’re leaving, the friend says, “Thanks for the peanuts!”
The grandmother says, “You’re welcome young man. Since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”
Comedians – both living and passed – offer a few thoughts on motherhood:
My friend Myron tells me, “Last year on Mother’s Day the whole family got together for a big dinner, and afterward when mom started to clean up, I said to her “Don’t bother with those dishes mom. Today is Mother’s Day. You can always do them tomorrow.” – Joey Adams
This from Wendy Liebman: I think I’d be a good mother. Maybe a little overprotective; like I would never let the kid out – of my body.
A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. The doctor said, “Thirty-five children is enough for any woman!” – Gracie Allen
When my mom got really mad, she would say, “Your butt is my meat.” Not a particularly attractive phrase. And I always wondered: now, what wine goes with that? – Paula Poundstone
The truck driver looked askance at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious
“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?”
She scrutinized the bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured them. “Those things live around here and are all-American.”
The big Texan, visiting New York for the first time, entered a fancy restaurant and ordered a steak. The waiter served it very rare. The Texan took one look at it and demanded that it be returned to the kitchen and cooked.
“It is cooked,” snapped the waiter.
(Photo credit: SocialRobot)
“Cooked – nothing!” shouted the Texan. “I’ve seen cows hurt worse than that, and get better.”
Here’s a peek into a story that was in the news lately in my neck of the woods. This story is from Oregon, not that far from us in Washington state:
Baby buys car while playing on parents’ cellphone is quirky enough to make it to this week’s blog news article. EBay is certainly a place where adults bid and pay for items they can’t do without, but this 14-month old little girl accelerated her EBay skills the other day.
Austin-Healey Sprite (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Through some stroke of luck(?) this little tyke bid on a sports car, won the bidding war, and her parents then found out that they now owned the sports car. They explained the situation to the person auctioning off the sports car and were given a reprieve – but in the end, they decided to go ahead with the sale. Looks like this young lady has landed herself a sports car well in advance of her teenage years. She’ll be the envy of all her friends.
Summer travel is in full-swing – so here’s a little bit of humor on that topic:
Travel Agent: “I can get you three days and two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks.”
Customer: “How come so cheap?”
Travel Agent: “The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The nights are July 21 and 22.”
In a panic, a traveler called down to the hotel’s front desk soon after checking in. “Help!” he yelled. “I’m trapped inside my room!”
“What do you mean, trapped?”
“Well, I see three doors,” the man explained. “The first opens to a closet, and the second to a bathroom. And the third door has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign hanging on it.”
Watergate complex – Washington, District of Columbia, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A couple were getting ready for bed on their wedding night at the Watergate Hotel. The blushing bride asked, “What if our hotel room is bugged? That would be so embarrassing honey.”
“That was a long time ago, sweetheart, but if it’ll make you feel more at ease, I’ll search the room.”
The groom searched under the tables and behind pictures. Then he turned back the rug and sure enough, there was a funny-looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed.
The next morning the newlyweds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they had slept well.
“We did,” replied the groom. “Why do you ask?”
“It’s rather unusual, actually, the clerk answered. “Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them during the night.”
Bill sat at the local bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up. “I’ll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can’t wheel it back.”
Bill looked over at the skinny stranger and decided it wasn’t much of a challenge. “I’ll take you on,” he said.
The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. “Now, let’s see what you’re made of,” taunted Bill.
“Okay,” said the challenger. “Get in.”
An excited woman called her husband at work. “I won the lottery!” she exclaimed. “Pack your clothes!”
“Great!” her husband replied. “Summer or winter clothes?”
“All of them – I want you out of the house by six!”
Living: the ultimate team sport 