Fun and Games
Lighten up Mondays
In colder parts of the country, some undomesticated pests make their way inside of buildings to escape the cold. What follows is what transpired in one cold-weathered town:
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels: the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.
The town hall brought in some cats but after they tore up all the paper files, the mayor got rid of the feline help and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. Three days later, the squirrels made their way back into the hardware store.
Only the church came up with an effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and made them members.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Lighten up Mondays
An 80-year old man called his son in New York one November day.
The father said to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister won’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hung up, and the son immediately called his sister in the Hamptons to tell her the news.
The sister said, “I’ll handle this.”
She called Florida and told her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agreed, “All right.”
The old man hung up the phone and hollered to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
Lighten up Mondays
On a flight to Florida, the doctor was preparing his notes for one of the parent-education seminars he conducted as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman sitting next to him explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks with her six children, eighteen grandchildren, and ten great grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired as to what the doctor did for a living. He told her – listing his credentials – fully expecting her to question him for free professional advice.
Instead, she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask me.”
Lighten up Mondays
There was a female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 mph on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says, “Ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says, “I stole the car and killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up, Lord?” God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look good. Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally, he went to the checkout line but she cut in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring has made you feel uncomfortable, it’s just that you look just like my son who died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
Charlie experienced a bit of confusion at the liquor store the other day. When he was ready to pay for his whiskey, the check-out clerk said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to the store owner about excessive security running amok, he did just as the clerk had instructed. Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
As I age, I realize:
- I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.
- Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
- I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
- My people skills are just fine, it’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it later.”
- When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment, now it’s like a mini vacation.
- At my age, Getting Lucky means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure as hell can muffle the sound.
- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free, and three sizes smaller?
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- When the kids or grandkids text me “plz” which is shorter than “please”, I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes.” And last but not least …
- The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
Lighten up Mondays
An elderly couple went to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service the wife leaned over and whispered in her husband’s ear,
I’ve just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”
The husband replied,
“Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Lighten up Mondays
Reporter: “So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?”
Old man: “Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have benefited most by 79 years of fresh air.”
********
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
“We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith.
“Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.”
Lighten up Mondays
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. They went right through it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road to see what was going on.
At the next intersection the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have gotten us killed!”
Mildred turn to her passenger and said, “Oh my, am I driving?”
Lighten up Mondays
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken.
The lady replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can, she replied, “Nine.”
The judge said, “Well then, I’m going to give you nine days in jail – one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge granted him permission.
The husband said, “Your honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
Lighten up Mondays
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
********
As George got out of the shower he said to his wife “Honey, it’s too darned hot to wear clothes today, what do you think the neighbors will say if I mow the lawn naked.”
“That I married you for your money”.
Lighten up Mondays
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a little boy.
“In the winter, we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer, we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d also swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed and sat silently for a minute or two. Finally he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
Lighten up Mondays
On an overseas flight, a lawyer and an older man were in adjoining seats. The lawyer asked the senior if he’d like to play a little game. The older man was tired and told the lawyer he just wanted to sleep.
But the lawyer insisted the game was lots of fun. “Here’s how it works,” he said, “I’ll ask you a question, if you can’t come up with the answer you have to give me a dollar. Then it’s your turn to ask me a question, but if I can’t answer it, I have to give you $20.”
The senior figured if he just got this over with, maybe he could get some sleep, so he agreed to play. The first question from the lawyer was, “How far apart are the earth and the moon?” Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
Hospital rules state that patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed. He was sitting on the bedside chair with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant that he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot. But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.
“I don’t think so,” he replied, “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off her hospital gown and getting dressed.”
Lighten up Mondays
Many weddings take place during the summer months. Here’s some humor for the young and old alike:
A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the future groom and asked a few questions:
- “Do you love her?” “I guess.”
- “Is she a God-fearing woman?” “Don’t know.”
- “Then why are you marrying her?” “She can drive.”
* * * * * *
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that,” said one of the women. “My husband and I have a great relationship. He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.”
Lighten up Mondays
Some puns make you wanna scream. I hope these make you laugh:
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
- He wears glasses during math class because it improves division.
- Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
- It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
- Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
- When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, “this one’s on me.”
Cheers everyone, and have a great week!
Lighten up Mondays
Meanings of some commonly used words that have a cynical bent to them:
- Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
- Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
- Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
- Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
- Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
- Classic: A book which people praise but do not read.
- Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
- Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous weekend.
- Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
I told you they were cynical.
Lighten up Mondays
You might notice this time of year that policemen are being more attentive and good and ready to hand out tickets to offending drivers. Check out these two instances:
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.”
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.” And here’s another one … Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five year-old boy. After awhile, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, “I’m ready to leave.”
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling.
Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy said, “You’re a kid?”
Lighten up Mondays
The summer job: An 18-year old girl arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well and at the end, the day-care director asked the standard question, “Can you give me one good reason why we should hire you?” The teenager said, “Because I fit in the chairs.” She got the job. Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
I can not tell a lie; today is my birthday, so I’m putting myself out there with some advancing age birthday humor that all of us can enjoy because all of us are advancing in our age:
You know you’re old when:
- In a hostage situation, you are most likely to be released first
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays …”
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style, come back in style
- Things you buy now won’t ever wear out
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way
- “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative
- When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot
- When happy hour is a nap (actually, for me, it would be: when happy hour begins at 4)
- When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise
None of us should complain about getting older because it’s proof that we’ve done something right so far ’cause we’re still around!
Lighten up Mondays
Some humorous anecdotes about women and men, and the balance of power:
Husband tries to make his wife feel better: Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining. She said to her husband, “Nobody loves me…nobody cares for me…the whole world hates me!”
Her husband, watching TV, said casually, “That’s not true dear. You are not famous enough that the whole world would hate you. Some people don’t even know you.”
The most evil thing: “Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote control in her purse. “Do you always carry your remote with you?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
The power of women: There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their spouses and children, giving in to men’s wishes, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Male assertiveness: A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist for help. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem. He gave the man a book on assertiveness which the man read on the subway home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger at her he said, “From now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating it, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director?” responded his wife.
Lighten up Mondays
Earth Day is this week, April 22nd, 2015. I’ve managed to find some some humor to spread in honor of our planet’s day:
Amusing Earth Anagrams:
- Global Warming is an anagram of “Ball going warm”
- The causes of global warming is an anagram of “Foul gases gleam with carbon”
- Greenhouse Effect is an anagram of “Huge trees offense”
The day an environmentalist dies:
An environmentalist dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an environmentalist, you’re in the wrong place.” Thinking that heaven could never make an error, the environmentalist reports to the gates of hell and is granted entrance. Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
This week marks the start of the Major League Baseball season so I’m throwing some sporty jokes your way:
On June 26th, 1985, at Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater, Florida, organist Wilbur Snapp played Three Blind Mice following a call by umpire Keith O’Connor. The umpire was not amused and saw to it that Mr. Snapp was ejected from the game.
Here’s a quote attributed to the late, great Babe Ruth: “It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”
One morning in elementary school, the students were in their geography class where the teacher wanted to test the students on their knowledge of U.S. cities and states.
The teacher asked the class, “Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?” Francis raised his hand and said, “Yeah, Pennysylvania.” The teacher replied, “Very good Francis. Now, can anyone tell me where Detroit is?”
Rachel raised her hand, “That’s in Michigan.” The teacher again replied, “Very good.”
Trying to confuse the children the teacher asked, “Where’s Kansas City?” Ross raised his hand and said, “Oh, oh, pick me. I know!”
The teacher said, “OK, Ross. Where is Kansas City?”
“Last place!”
Lighten up Mondays
It’s the last Monday of March which means April is upon us, which means in the United States it’s income tax filing time. Here are some one liners that might tickle your funny bone:
- The U.S. Post Office just recalled their newest stamps; they had pictures of IRS agents on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
- If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
- America is the land of opportunity; everybody can become a taxpayer.
- Children are deductible but they’re still taxing.
- Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.
- Filling out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.
- A man admitted he lied on his income-tax return – he listed himself as the head of the household.
- The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.
And here’s an original from me:
I hope this first full month of Spring doesn’t tax you too heavily.
Lighten up Mondays
I’m a writer so I am always intrigued with word arrangements and different takes on relatively normal phrases. Here are several paraprosdokians: figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected. Credit for this entry goes to Larry Brooks of www.storyfix.com
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.
- In filling out an application, where it says, Emergency Contact I put ‘doctor.”
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive unless you want to do it again.
- I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.
Lighten up Mondays
Happy day before St. Patrick’s Day! I’m half Irish so I want to celebrate by providing a couple Irish-themed jokes to start off your week with a laugh or two:
A Spanish singer chatting on television used the word manana. When asked what that meant, he said, “It means, maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that, next week, next month or next year. It’s like, who cares?”
Shay Brennan, an Irishman in the conversation, was asked if there’s an Irish equivalent. “No, in Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that level of urgency.”
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman all taking a tea break at a building site. The Englishman pipes up, “If my wife puts cheese on my sandwich again, I am going to kill myself.” The Scotsman says, “If my wife puts egg on my sandwich again, I will kill myself.” The Irishman says, “If I find ham on my sandwich again, I will kill myself.”
Sure enough, the next day all three men open their lunch boxes and find the sandwiches are all full of cheese, egg, and ham so they all go off to different parts of the construction site and kill themselves.
Later in the week, all three men are being buried and the Englishman’s wife says, “If he didn’t want cheese on his sandwich he should have told me.” The Scotsman’s wife says the same concerning the egg sandwich. Then the Irishman’s wife pipes up, “I can’t understand this, Paddy makes his own sandwich.”
Lighten up Mondays
A solicitor for the Red Cross arrived at the house of a well-to-do couple to ask for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside, he knocked extra-loudly on the door.
A somewhat disheveled man opened the door. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something.
“I would like to speak to the Master of the house,” said the Red Cross solicitor.
“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man, “My wife and I are settling that very question right now”
Living: the ultimate team sport 