Fun and Games
Lighten up Mondays
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said,
“Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
Lighten up Mondays
Here’s a nod towards those experiencing cold temps and lots of snow. “Cold” is a relative term so use the handy list below for added clarity. (Degrees in Fahrenheit)
- 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
- 60 Californians put on sweaters if they can find one
- 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
- 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
- 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, and Minnesotans go swimming
- 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
- 25 Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, and Canadians go swimming
- 15 Your cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
- 10 You need jumper cables to get the car started
- 0 Alaskans put on t-shirts
- -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick their tongue onto metal objects, and Miami residents cease to exist
- -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
- -30 You plan a two week hot bath
- -40 Californians cease to exist, Minnesotans button their top button, and Canadians put on sweaters
- -50 Congressional hot air freezes and Alaskans close the bathroom window
- -80 Hell freezes over
- -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Lighten up Mondays
I started the month by providing some good, clean adult humor. Here’s another to end the month:
Two IRS agents were traveling through a rural area when their car broke down. They walked to a nearby mansion and knocked on the door. A beautiful widow answered and said they were welcome to spend the night while her hired hands worked on the car.
Months later one of the agents received a package of legal documents. After surveying the contents, he quickly called the other agent.
“When we were up in the country,” the first agent asked, “did you slip away in the night and go to the widow’s bedroom?”
“Yes,” the second agent admitted.
“Did you use my name?”
“Why, yes, but how’d you find out?”
“She died and left me her estate.”
Lighten up Mondays
As a professional photographer, Judy takes a lot of pride in her pictures. She brings her portfolio with her wherever she goes to show her work and to drum up more business.
On one occasion, Judy was a dinner guest at the house of one of her husband’s co-workers.
“Wow,” said her host that evening, “these are really nice pictures, you must have a great camera.”
Fuming mad at the implication that her whole talent came from her camera, Judy waited until the end of the meal and then thanked her host.
“Thank you, Sandra, for a delicious meal, you must have great pots.”
Lighten up Mondays
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. 
Before being allowed to do so legally, the family court insisted they undergo some marriage counseling to see if their union could be saved.
The therapist did her best but to no avail. The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading to a divorce.
Finally, in desperation, the therapist said to the husband, “But you’re ninety-five and your wife is ninety-three. You’ve been married for seventy-two years! Why do you want to separate now?”
To which the wife replied, “We haven’t been able to stand each other for the last forty-six years. We thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.”
Lighten up Mondays
I’m starting the first Monday of the New Year with some clean, adult humor:
“Doctor, I’m losing my sex urge,” complained Ruth at her annual checkup.
“Mrs. Hampton, that’s understandable at eighty-four,” said the doctor, “but tell me, when did you first start noticing this?”
“Last night,” she answered, “and then again this morning.”
“Aha,” said the doctor. “Your problem isn’t a diminished sex drive, it’s that you’re not getting enough sex. You should be having relations at least fifteen times a month.”
Thanking him and heading home, the old woman couldn’t wait to report the doctor’s prescription to her husband. “Guess what, Honey? The doctor says I need it fifteen times a month!”
Her husband put down his newspaper and replied, “That’s just great, Sweetie. Put me down for five.”
Lighten up Mondays
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and the season’s first snow came early; I was very concerned about the house’s lack of proper insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we,” my husband confidently declared.
On New Years Eve the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find the interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm all those years they lived in in the home. After a rather brief conversation he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
Lighten up Mondays
Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of a large retail store.
Dad said, “What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.”
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and said, “Great, I’m sure your son will really enjoy it.”
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right, in that case, I’ll take two.”
Lighten up Mondays
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Holiday season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (The Federal Revelry Office & Leisure Industry Council):
- Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged;
- Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredibly high long-distance bill);
- Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah Humbug”‘
- Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house;
- All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25th;
- Eggnog will not be dispensed in vending machines this year.
In spite of all the above, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Lighten up Mondays
I wanted our street to have the prettiest Christmas decorations in the neighborhood so I strung colored balls from house to house, all the way down the block. I did all the wiring myself.
If you’d like further information, just drive down Moorpark Street in North Hollywood. We’re the third pile of ashes from the corner.
Lighten up Mondays
It’s December 1st – how did that happen? Whether we’re ready or not, the Holiday season is upon us. My humorous December Mondays will be focused on the season because it’s the only weeks in the year I’m able to do so.
First of all, a post-Thanksgiving joke:
Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a young kid. I bought him an army tank. It cost about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days – and now as well. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride.
Instead, my son played in the box it came in.
It taught me a valuable lesson. The next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars’ worth of scotch.
Lighten up Mondays
With the Holiday season upon us, many of us will be at family gatherings of our choosing, or perhaps not of our choosing. The focus of these jokes: mothers-in-law.
David is finally engaged and is excited to show off his bride-to-be. “Ma,” he said to his mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiancee.” Sure enough, two days later, David walked in the door with three girls following behind him.
“It’s that one,” said his mother without blinking an eye. “Holy cow,” exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?”
“I just don’t like her,” she replied.
A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good-sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
“My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars just before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!”
I was at a magic show when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “Wow, how did you do that?”
“I would tell you,” answered the magician, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a moment’s pause the same voice in the crowd screamed, “Can you tell my mother-in-law then?”
Lighten up Mondays
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away.” The distressed woman asked if he was sure, and he replied, “Yes, your duck is dead.”
“But you haven’t done any testing on Cuddles. He might just be in a coma.”
The vet left the room and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet and shook his head. The vet left the room with the dog.
He returned to the room, this time with a cat. The cat jumped on the table, delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot, sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, produced a bill and handed it to the woman.
“A hundred fifty dollars!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry, but if you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. With the Lab report and the Cat scan, it’s now $150.”
Lighten up Mondays
Gloria was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.
“Listen here, Gloria,” said her good friend, Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Gloria found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.
“Is he here?” asked Gloria.
“Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Gloria asked hesitantly.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke,” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course, he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more than a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get a cigar to him?”
“Hmm,” said the psychic, “I can’t seem to get that question across to him.” After a brief pause the psychic added, “But then again, he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
Lighten up Mondays
I was coming back from visiting my son in Miami and I pulled into a rest stop to use the bathroom. I just sat down on the toilet when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine.
“Hey! How’s it going?”
Although I was quite surprised, as I wasn’t in the habit of conversing with people in toilet stalls next to me, I answered him. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
“What are you doing?” asked the same voice in the next stall.
To be honest, I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this guy, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”
Then I heard the same voice again. “I’m gonna have to call you back. Some wise-guy in the next stall is answering all my questions.”
Lighten up Mondays
Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “My wife, she’s ready, should we check into the hospital?”
The doctor tried to calm the poor fellow down. “Just try to relax and tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”
“Maggie,” Brian screamed at the top of his lungs, “How much time in between each contraction? … Ten minutes? OK … Doc, ten minutes in between the contractions!”
“And is this her first child?”
“No, you idiot, this is her husband!”
Lighten up Mondays
An elderly gent was invited to his friend’s house for dinner one evening. The friend was impressed by the way his elderly buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and they were clearly still very much in love. When the wife was in the kitchen, the friend leaned over and said to his old buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
Lighten up Mondays
Sorry to do this to you; here’s a blonde joke:
Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy, something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. He decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, loved her phone and the husband explained all the features of the phone to her.
The next day Lucy went shopping. Her phone rang and it was Lincoln. “Hi honey,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?”
She replied, “I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand.”
“What’s that, baby?” asked her husband.
“How did you know where I was?”
Lighten up Monday
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”
Lighten up Mondays
Equal time for the male and female Baby Boomers out there:
A guy was reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asked, “What was that for?” She replied, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.” He said, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife shrugged and walked away. Three days later he was reading the newspaper when she again smacked him on the back of the head. He asked, “What was that for?” She answered, “Your horse called.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Lighten up Mondays
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. This week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh, boy did we have an argument. Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I’m stupid. So I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back since. I guess he was embarrassed.
Blogging Award: a very tardy response
Did you ever get so busy that you received an award and didn’t go pick it up, and then you forgot that it was waiting for you? That’s me. Lori, one of my most favorite bloggers, has been writing her blog Let’s Talk About Family since December 2011. This fabulous person nominated me for the Best Moment Award in May of 2013. All I can say is that not “picking up” my award qualifies me for the Worst Moment Award, but I’ll try to make up for it with this post.
Lori’s blog family history starts with her mother’s failing health and death, and continues with her father’s life as a widower who eventually moves into an assisted living facility (ALF). Her blog is one that I never miss. You know how you can manage the notifications you receive so that you get a notification e-mail immediately, daily, or once weekly? Her blog is one of those that I receive immediate notifications – I can’t wait any longer! is the way I treat her blog. Thank you so much for opening up your life to us in the blogging world.
Rules for the Best Moment Award:
Winners post information about the nomination, thanking the person who nominated them, with their acceptance speech that can be written down or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees (see below) The re-post should include a NEW list of people, blogs worthy of the award, and winners notify them the great news. Winners should also post the award badge on their own website.
What makes a good acceptance speech?
Thank the people who helped you along the way, be humorous if you can to keep the reader entertained and smiling. Provide inspiration that helps your story to touch the lives of others.
And here’s mine: I’m thrilled to be acknowledged as having something good to say from time to time. I don’t think I’m an excellent writer, but I do have lots to say and I’m quite willing to write up a storm. I’m the youngest of three siblings and the only one of us who has been involved in the lives of senior citizens – and everything that involvement implies – for close to two decades. I’ve always loved people older than me; I guess it gives me comfort knowing that I’m younger than someone else. My official responsibilities over the years involved: working in the senior housing industry both in the corporate environment and in assisted living/memory care facilities, being an Alzheimer’s Association caregiver support group facilitator, and a Certified Long-Term Care (LTC) Ombudsman for the State of Washington (an advocate for vulnerable adults living in LTC facilities.) I’m retired from active work but I am actively still involved in being an advocate for the vulnerable by writing my first novel – a project I hope to complete by end of this year. My novel focuses on the lives of family members who care for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia.
My nominees for the Best Moment Award are:
Kay Bransford, for Dealing with Dementia. The reason I enjoy Kay’s blog is best described by her blog’s subtitle: A family caregiver’s journey to deliver loving care with grace and humor. We all know there is absolutely nothing humorous about Alzheimer’s or other dementia, but humor can be found in the human interactions between caregiver and family member. If you look for them, you will find them. Kay, I’ll be posting my acceptance of a different award you recently nominated me for very soon. THANK YOU!
Dementia Poetry is an in your face journal of a daughter-in-law’s disease journey with her mother-in-law, in the form of extremely well-written poems. The subtitle for her blog is: The Politically Incorrect Alzheimer’s Poetry Blog.
Theresa Hupp’s blog, Story and History, is a moving journal of a family’s life covering past, present, and future. But that’s not all: Theresa is a fabulous, published author. I’d say I’m jealous, but friends, and that’s what I consider Theresa, don’t turn green with envy – at least they shouldn’t. Theresa, you nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award in February of 2014, but I already received that award a couple years ago so I’m not going to claim it again, but I thank you profusely for nominating me.
Reflections on Dementia, Caregiving and Life in General is a must-read blog all the way from Singapore. This blogger takes care of her mother who has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. Her insights and her view of her world will engage you from the very first posting you read.
Lighten up Mondays
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years: they had shared everything, they had talked about everything, and they had kept no secrets from each other, except the one. The wife had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day his wife got very sick and her doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the husband took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed it was time to tell him about the shoebox. When he opened it he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling just under $100,000. This was her explanation. “When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
The husband was moved; he had to fight back tears because there were only two dolls in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He burst with happiness.
“Honey, what you said explains the dolls, but what about all the money? Where did it come from?”
“Oh, that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
Lighten up Mondays
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a disturbing phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath it.”“I see,” responded the psychiatrist “That’s a common phobia that I am very qualified to treat, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.”
“How come I didn’t hear from you?”
Lighten up Mondays
Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination, the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests and finally confronted her with the results.
“Mrs. Barber, medically improbable though it may seem at your age, there’s no doubt about it, you’re pregnant.”
“Impossible,” she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the doctor’s phone, dialed her seventy-eight year old husband and screeched, “You’ve knocked me up, you randy old goat!”
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, “And to whom am I speaking?”
Lighten up Mondays
Karma at work in heaven:
Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told the man he would receive a compact car to drive in heaven.
Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife, and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.
The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.
A week later the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light at the same time. The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter – after all, he was driving a luxury car.
“I just passed my wife,” he told them. “She was on a skateboard.”
Lighten up Mondays
Here are a few clever quotes: a couple with attributions, the rest anonymous. I thought you’d get a kick out of them.
“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet, is verifying them.” – Abraham Lincoln
A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. (Is that true wives of retirees?)
“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve, telling them to sit down and be quiet.
I am nobody; nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
Have a note-worthy week y’all!
Lighten up Mondays
Sam heard all about the great service in the Sleep Fine Hotel so after dropping his luggage in his room, he excitedly headed down to the hotel lounge.
He was only there for a few minutes when a beautifully dressed waitress came over to him and asked, “Would you like something to drink?”
Sam took a deep breath, looked around at the beautiful lobby and asked, “What are my choices?”
The woman gave Sam a strange look and responded in an extra loud and drawn out voice, “Y-e-s and N-o.”
Lighten up Mondays
Sixteen year old Lisa nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home to meet her parents. Although Lisa was very fond of him, she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents. You see, he was full of tattoos and had piercings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet my boyfriend, Spike. Spike, this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her away to the kitchen and whispered, “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom, pa-leeze!” retorted Lisa, “If he’s not a nice guy, how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does each week?”
Lighten up Mondays
“O.K. everyone,” said the female instructor to her attentive birthing class, “today, we are going to do an exercise to help you men sympathize with your partners.” And holding up an artificial stomach with an attached strap she adds, “What I have here is what’s called a pregnancy suit. This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Holding the pregnancy suit out to the class she asks, “Which of you husbands would like to volunteer to be the first one to try it on?”
“I will,” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on. “Gee, this isn’t too bad,” said the man strutting around the room, “I could easily get used to this.”
“O.K.,” said the instructor, and then she threw her pen on the floor. “Now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”
“You want me to pick it up?” he asked hesitantly, “just as I would if I was pregnant?”
“Yes!” said the instructor.
“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse, “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”
Living: the ultimate team sport 