One day, three men are out having a relaxing day fishing when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After they haul the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, she will grant each of them a wish. The first man doesn’t believe it, so he says, “All right, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The second man starts to recite solutions to mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry.
The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says, “Quintuple my IQ.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.” The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t, I won’t set you free.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking, it’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else – a million dollars – anything?” the mermaid insists. No deal; the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy is in the bathroom.
As Jimmy is getting undressed, he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet?” Then he throws his socks underneath the bed.
Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, “How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath? I’ve got to tell him, and I know just how to do it.”
Just then, Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something.”
Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”
One of the sideshows at a circus featured a strong man who squeezed an orange until it appeared to be completely dry. When he finished, the strong man’s manager challenged anybody in the audience to come forward and try to get one last drop out of the super-compressed piece of fruit. To make the offer a bit more enticing, the manager offered a thousand dollars to anyone who successfully eked out even one tiny drop of juice.
A weight lifter with bulging muscles bounced up onto the stage, grabbed the orange from the manager, and pressed it with all his might. Nothing came out.
Next, a big, burly construction worker sauntered up and took the orange from the exhausted weight lifter. After ten minutes of intense squeezing, and a lot of grimacing, the construction worker finally admitted defeat.
“No other takers?” the manager asked with a satisfied sneer. “May I try?” responded a short, skinny bespectacled woman from the back row. The manager couldn’t keep a straight face as he and the rest of the crowd watched as the stranger made her way up to the front.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Suddenly, the laughter stopped when, to everyone’s amazement, the woman picked up the orange and squeezed a puddle of juice onto the floor.
Flabbergasted, the manager sputtered, “How the heck did you do that?”
A lawyer is standing at the gate to heaven, and St. Peter is listing the lawyer’s sins:
Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit when he knew they were guilty;
Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high;
Overcharging many clients;
Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case … and so the list continued.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life too.”
St. Peter looks in his book and says, “Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy fifteen cents and tell him to go to hell.”
Two clerics get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, one says to the other.
“There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live in peace the rest of our lives.”
The other replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“And look at this, says the other, “here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!”
He then hands the bottle to the other man, who takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back. The man takes back the bottle and immediately puts the cap on.
The other man asks, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?”
“No, I think I’ll wait for the police to join us.”
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, the mother started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
About a week later, Julie approached John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy lade. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll call her just to be sure.”
He called his mom, “Mom, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you had dinner with us.”
John’s mother replied, “I’m not saying you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
As with my November list of “celebrations” the last month of the year is filled with many notable – and not so notable – events, some obvious – some not so obvious:
Dec. 1: AIDS Awareness Day; Rosa Parks Day, Playboy Magazine first published (had to add something for everyone)
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, knowing that after all the research they did to find a great place, she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast of an omelet, sausages, and pancakes, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two very attentive nurses immediately rushed to her side to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seemed okay but after a while, she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her upright. This went on all morning.
Later the family arrived to see how their mother was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?”
“It’s pretty nice here,” she replied, “except they won’t let me fart!”
A man and his wife had an argument one evening and weren’t speaking to each other afterward. He had a business flight in the morning, so before he went to bed, he wrote a note reading,
“Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.,” and left it on her pillow.
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 7:00 and that he had missed his flight.
(Photo credit: prettywar-stl)
Furious, he was about to go confront his wife when he noticed a piece of paper next to his pillow. The paper said,
National Adoption Awareness Month – my favorite because both my sister, and my niece, are adopted and my life is better as a result! www.adoptioncouncil.org.
Some of the daily celebrations:
1st: Teach a Friend to Homebrew Day
2nd: Plan Your Epitaph Day – would you trust just anyone to tell the truth?
6th: Marooned without a Compass Day – a/k/a Election Day
7th: Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day
8th: Cook Something Bold Day (well, it is Peanut Butter Lovers Month!!!
11th: Veterans Day – thank you every Vet of past & present military conflicts!!!
12th: National Pizza with the Works Except Anchovies Day
13th: World Kindness Day – pass it forward everyone!!!
15th: Clean Your Refrigerator Day and America Recycles Day – it figures.
15th: Great American Smokeout – see November 19th if participating
17th: National Adoption Day – I love you Mary and Kristina!!!
19th: Have a Bad Day Day – see November 15th
22nd: Thanksgiving, followed by…
23rd: Sinkie Day – casual eating while standing at your sink www.sinkie.com
23rd: Black Friday – the busiest shopping day of the Holiday season and Buy Nothing Day (I don’t make up the rules)
26th: Shopping Reminder Day – do we really need this reminder?
30th: Stay at Home Because You’re Well Day – because it’s more fun than staying home when you’re sick!
I know you’re accustomed to getting a joke from me on Lighten Up Mondays but I just had to give you a Mid-Week Funny Break that I thought you would enjoy.
A family who lived deep in the woods had no electricity in their home. The wife was about to have her first child, so the father hurried to find a doctor. At nightfall, the doctor asked the man to bring the lantern. After their baby girl was delivered, the man put the lantern back on the table.
Suddenly the doctor said, “Hurry, bring the lantern back!” and the man complied.
Another baby girl was delivered, and the man returned the lantern to the table.
“Quick!” said the doctor. “Bring the light back!”
“Doc,” said the man, “you don’t think they”re attracted to the light do you?”
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road – back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and pounds on the Midget’s back window until the driver sticks his head out.
“I want you to know that I had a double bed installed,” brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver is unimpressed. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”
Without a doubt, there are well-noted differences between men and women:
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study that indicated that men use on average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
“Well,” she replied, “that’s because women have to repeat everything they say when they’re talking to men.”
“What?” he said.
And another one:
A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “Oh, I’d love to be ten again.”
He came up with a plan, and on the morning of her birthday he took her to a theme park. They rode every ride in the park together.
Lunchtime soon came, so into McDonald’s they went where she was given a Big Mac with french fries and a milkshake. After lunch, he took her to a movie theater to watch the latest movie for kids – complete with popcorn and soda.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked,
“So, sweetheart, what was it like being ten again? She looked at him and said quietly, “Actually, I meant the dress size.”
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her.
“I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to a service station?”
They readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one of the men looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“Oh, I never go there,” the woman shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”
And here’s a Lighten up Mondays bonus:
What an automated society we live in. Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
The start of October is fast approaching so it’s time to see what is in store for us. I have many October occasions to tell you about in this posting, starting with those somewhat unknown ones associated in general with the month of October:
Adopt a shelter dog month
Clergy appreciation month
Eat country ham month
Cookie Month
National popcorn popping month
National vegetarian month
National pizza month and, appropriately
Sarcastic Month
Now a few day-specific “celebrations:”
October 2: National custodial worker day
October 2: Name your car/automobile day
October 3: Virus appreciation day (Sickness virus or computer virus????)
October 5: Do something nice day
October 7: Bald and free day
October 7: World smile day
October 9: Moldy cheese day (I guess this could also be a co-celebration of Clean out the fridge day?)
October 12: Moment of frustration day
October 13: International skeptics day (I don’t believe it)
October 17: Wear something gaudy day
October 19: Evaluate your life day
October 22: National nut day (the edible or the friend-type?)
October 27: Make a difference day
October 30: National candy corn day
October 31: Increase your psychic powers day (I bet you already knew that)
There were so many I could have posted but I just put a few out there, hoping that you have more to add.
When the farmer arrived at the obedience school to pick up his newly trained bird dog, he asked the instructor for a demonstration. The two men and the dog went to a nearby field where the dog immediately pointed to a clump of brush, then rolled over twice.
“There are two birds in there,” the instructor said, and sure enough, two birds were flushed. A minute later, the dog pointed to another bunch of bushes, then rolled over five times.
“There are five birds in there,” the instructor noted, and indeed five birds were driven from the brush. Then the dog pointed to a third clump. The dog began to whine and run in circles until he found a stick, which he shook mightily and dropped at the two men’s feet.
“And in that clump of brush there,” the proud instructor concluded, “there are more birds than you can shake a stick at!”
A tourist was visiting New Mexico and was amazed at the dinosaur bones lying about.
“How old are these bones?” the tourist asked an elderly Native American, who served as a guide.
“Exactly one hundred million and three years old.”
“How can you be so sure?” inquired the tourist.
“Well,” replied the guide, “a geologist came by here and told me these bones were one hundred million years old, and that was exactly three years ago.”
Late for a return flight from Dublin, an American tourist in Ireland jumped into a cab.
“Quick,” he said, “get me to the airport as fast as you can!”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The cabbie nodded and floored the gas pedal. Soon they were barreling along at more than 70 miles an hour. Just ahead a stoplight was bright red. The cab shot through the intersection without slowing down in the slightest.
“Are you blind?” shouted the tourist. “That was a red light!”
The cabbie was unfazed.
“I don’t believe in red lights, sir, nor do any of my five cab-driving brothers.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
After two more hair-raising hurtles through red lights, the tourist was relieved to see a green light. But right before the intersection, the cabbie slammed on the brakes.
“Are you insane?” yelled the passenger. “That was a green light!”
“True, sir,” replied the cabbie. “But you never know when one of my brothers may be coming through.”
During a lecture for medical students, the professor listed the two best qualities of a doctor to be:
the ability to conquer revulsion; and
the need for keen powers of observation.
He illustrated this by stirring a messy substance with his finger and then licking his finger clean. Then he called a student to the front and made him do the same.
Afterward the professor remarked,
“You conquered your revulsion, but your powers of observation are not very good. I stirred with my forefinger, but I licked my middle finger.”
Stumbled across these special occasions for September in a local, Seattle-area magazine. The ones with which I am familiar are written in bold print; the rest, not so much. So tell me – do these celebrations sound familiar to you, in your part of the world?
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, knowing that after all the research they did to find a great place, she would be well cared for.
Living: the ultimate team sport 