Fun and Games
Lighten up Mondays
Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, to no avail.
Finally, one day after spending a half-hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough.
“Lizzy!” the mother hollered.
“What?” came her daughter’s reply from behind her bedroom door.
“I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”
After hearing the gagging coming from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.
Lighten up Mondays
Women and men converse differently. Here’s a case in point:
Rachel: Oh! You got a haircut. It’s so cute!
Kate: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure. Do you think it’s too fluffy looking?
Rachel: Oh, God no! It’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that but I think my face is too wide.
Kate: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and you could easily get one of those layer cuts and it would look so cute. I was actually thinking of doing that but I was afraid it would make my neck look even longer than it already is.
Rachel: Are you kidding? I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this broad shoulder line that I have.
Kate: No way. I know girls who would kill to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you; I mean look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders it would be so much easier to find clothes to fit me.
Chuck: Haircut?
Jim: Yeah.
Lighten up Mondays
An old man went to the doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”
The old man, excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper.
Standing 20 feet away, the man asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?” After receiving no response, he tried it again 15 feet away; again no response. He tried it again at 10 feet away and still no response. Finally he was just 5 feet away, “Honey, what’s for supper?” to which she replied, “For the fourth time, it’s lasagna!”
Lighten up Mondays
The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.
One summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed, went out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down he ordered a roasted pig and impatiently waited for his delicacy.
After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow vegetarian society members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over with a huge platter that held a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
Thinking quickly, the leader said, “Isn’t that something, all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
Lighten up Mondays
“A new preacher was asked to speak at a country funeral. He had never been to the area where the funeral was and he got lost in the woods. After wandering around for nearly an hour, he came upon some men gathered around an open grave.
“The preacher apologized for being late and started in. Feeling bad that the deceased man only had the diggers around his grave, the preacher tried to make up for it by giving the best eulogy he could. He preached with such passion that even the workers were shouting, ‘Praise God’ and ‘Glory be!’
“After the eulogy one of the diggers said to the preacher, ‘Preacher, that was inspirin’. I ain’t never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for twenty years!'”
– excerpt from the novel, Walking on Water, by Richard Paul Evans
Lighten up Mondays
The city miser was on his death bed and his last request was that he be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest.
“I know I am going to die,” he said, “and I would like to take my money with me so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”
It was a few days after the funeral when the priest, overflowing with guilt, finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 into the coffin. “I’m glad you brought it up,” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty. I only put $80,000 into the coffin.”
“You people should be ashamed of yourselves, stealing money like that!” stormed the lawyer. “Am I the only honest person of the three of us? Here, look at this,” he said pulling out his checkbook, “look – I wrote out a check for the full $150,000.”
Lighten up Mondays
At the urging of Harry’s wife and Harry’s doctor, 55-year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.
“Okay, said the trainer, “I’m going to set it for ten minutes. If you want to go longer, just press START again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired. After a minute he jumped off gasping for breath.
Walking to the side to sit down he passed by a friend of his. “Man,” said Harry, “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill!” “All right, all right,” said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”
Lighten up Mondays
A man died and went to The Judgment and was told, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you that we’ve looked over your life and to be honest, you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yes. Once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. I pulled over, got out a bat from my trunk, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced straight through his lip. Well, I tore that ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow, that’s impressive. When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came his reply.
Lighten up Mondays
Pretty much every age group has access to – and uses – an electronic device that connects to the Internet. There are, however, some holdouts, as you’ll see in the following scenario:
“Come on, Grandma, you’ve got to try it!” I pleaded with my stubborn Grandmother. I don’t know how she lasted this long without ever using the Internet, but enough was enough as far as I was concerned.
“Okay,” she said reluctantly, settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses. “What do I do now?”
“All right Grandma, now I’m going to open the Home page of Google,” I explained, and then, “Ta da! There it is! Now type in any question you want into the bar at the top of the page and you’ll find an answer to your question,” I proudly assured her.
My Grandma looked at me warily, thought for a second or two, and slowly – very slowly – began to type, “How is my friend Gertrude doing this morning?”
Lighten up Mondays
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves the barber shop. “What did I tell you?” said the barber, “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, kid! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
Lighten up Mondays
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note and posted it near the cookies: Take all you want; God is watching the apples.
Lighten up Mondays
Humor imitates life:
The woman was more than a little upset when her car stalled in the middle of the main street, and even more so when no amount of cajoling could get it started again.
As the light turned from red to green a third time and the car still failed to respond, the honking of the fellow in the car behind her grew even more insistent.
Finally the woman got out and walked over to his door. “Excuse me, sir,” she said politely, “if you’d like to help out by trying to get my car started yourself, I’ll be glad to sit here and honk your horn for you.”
Lighten up Mondays
With that, he went to the window, jumped out, did a little spin in midair and came back in. “See how great the currents are? You can do the same thing.”
After a few more drinks and much prodding, the first man decided to test the wind currents for himself. He went to the window, jumped out, and fell to the ground.
The bartender looked at the other man sand said, “Superman, you’re really mean when you’re drunk.”
Lighten up Mondays
Depending upon where you live, many schools are on Spring break, even though in many places around the United States and the world, one look out the window won’t convince you that Spring has actually arrived. But this isn’t a weather entry, rather, what follows are a few snippets of humor on the subject of school:
- I had the worst study habits, the lowest grades . . . then I found out what I was doing wrong. I was highlighting with a black Magic Marker. – Jeff Altman
- I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school who failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed too. – Dat Phan
- My school was so tough, when the kids had their school pictures taken, there was one taken from the front and one from the side. – Norm Crosby
- During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. “Now I’m dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve? “No, sir,” a student called out. “No?” queried the professor. “Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won’t dissolve.” “Because if it would, you wouldn’t have dropped it in.”
- “Our economics professor talks to himself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks we’re listening.”
Lighten up Mondays
Again from the Washington Post, this entry includes responses to the newspaper’s invitation to readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.
- Bozone (n): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating
- Giraffiti (n): vandalism spray-painted very, very high
- Inoculatte (v): to take coffee intravenously when you are running late
- Hipatitis (n): terminal coolness
- Dopeler effect (n): the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
- Arachnoleptic fit (n): the frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web (been there, done that many, many times)
- Glibido (v): all talk and no action.
Lighten up Mondays
This entry is from the Washington Post, publishing the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. I provide a few of those for you today.
- Coffee (n): the person upon whom one coughs
- Flabbergasted (adj): appalled over how much weight you have gained
- Abdicate (v): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
- Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk
- Willy-nilly (adj): impotent
- Negligent (adj): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
- Lymp (v): to walk with a lisp
- Gargoyle (n): olive-flavored mouthwash
- Flatulence (n): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
- Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline
- Rectitude (n): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists during an exam
- Frisbeetarianism (n): the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Lighten up Mondays
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. Taken aback, the loan officer requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.” The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking area for safe keeping, and gave the customer $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his Rolls-Royce back. “That will be five thousand dollars in principal, and fifteen dollars and forty cents in interest,” the loan officer said. The customer wrote out a check and started to walk away.
“Wait, sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow five thousand dollars?”
The man smiled, “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only fifteen dollars and forty cents?”
Lighten up Mondays
What follows are a couple humorous discussions about marriage:
When the traveling salesman got the message at the hotel desk that his wife had given birth, he rushed to the phone.
“Hi, honey,” he cried happily. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Irving, Irving,” sighed his weary wife, “is that all you can think about? Sex, sex, sex?”
“That’s great, son,” enthused his father. “And one of these days you’ll work up to a speaking part.”
Lighten up Mondays
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden, who asks to see his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these fish; they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle, and these fish jump out, and I take them around to see the sights, only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing a word of it, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me, then just watch.”
He then throws the fish into the water.
The warden says, “Now, whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water.”
“What fish?” asks the fisherman.
Lighten up Mondays
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy.
Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and give him a chance.
“This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is called a lariat. We use it to catch the cows.”
“Hmmm,” said the man, “and what do you use for bait?”
Two men went duck hunting with their dogs but were having no success.
“I think I figured out what we’re doing wrong,” said the first hunter.
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?” asked the other.
“We’re not throwing the dogs high enough.”
Lighten up Mondays
He had hoped the situation would eventually resolve itself, but finally the good-humored boss was compelled to call Mr. Brown into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the baseball stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”
Mr. Brown looked incredulous, then responded,
“You know, you’re right, sir. I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking it, do you?”
Lighten up Mondays
Two jokes with the husband getting in the last word:
This man was out golfing with his buddies. He was about to putt when a hearse drove by leading a funeral procession. The man set down his club, took off his hat, and put it over his heart until the procession had passed.
“That was the most decent thing I’ve ever seen you do,” one of his friends said, to which the golfer responded,
“It’s the least I cold do; we were married thirty-two years.”
These guys rob a bank wearing gorilla masks. As they’re getting away, a customer pulls off one of the robbers’ masks to see what he looks like. The bank robber says, “Now that you’ve seen me, you have to die,” and he shoots the man dead.
The robber then looks around the room. Everyone is looking away or covering their eyes. “Did anyone else see my face?” An Irishman in the corner slowly raised his hand. The robber then asked, “You saw my face?”
“No, but I think my wife might have got a wee peek.”
Lighten up Mondays
Two jokes involving a wife and her husband where the wife gets in the last word:
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband when she said,
“I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband then asked, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”
The wife replied, “It’s me talking … to the wine.”
A woman accompanied her husband when he went for his annual medical checkup. After the appointment, and while the husband was getting dressed, the doctor came out to the waiting room to meet with the man’s wife.
“Ma’am, I don’t like the way he looks.”
To which she replied,
“Neither do I; but he’s handy around the house.”
Come back for next week’s Lighten up Mondays where the husband gets the last laugh, and the last word.
Lighten up Mondays
An older lady fell into the water, and not being a swimmer, she called for help.
A man jumped in to save her and grabbed her by the hair, but she was wearing a wig, and it came off.
He then grabbed her by the chin, and her false teeth popped out.
In desperation, the man yelled,
“Somebody help me save all of this woman that we can!”
January 2014 Celebrations
January 1st brings a new year for us and new opportunities to get it right in 2014. Here are some celebrations you might want to dive into:
Month: National Bath Safety Month; National Blood Donor Month; National Hobby Month.
Week: 2nd week in January – Letter Writing Week – get out that stationery and pens and get to it!
- January 1: Happy New Year!
- January 2: Run up the Flagpole and see if Anyone Salutes Day (sounds like a horrific hangover action)
- January 3: Festival of Sleep Day, but not until after you’ve celebrated Fruitcake Toss Day
- January 6: Bean Day; and Cuddle Up Day (maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t sound like a good idea)
- January 10: Peculiar People Day
- January 13: International Skeptics Day (I seriously doubt that)
- January 14: Dress up your pet day (I see people celebrating this event all-year round – scary)
- January 16: National Nothing Day
- January 17: Ditch New Years Resolutions Day (been there – done that already)
- January 18: Winnie the Pooh Day (birthday of author A.A. Milne)
- January 20: Martin Luther King Jr., Birthday
- January 21: National Hugging Day
- January 23: National Handwriting Day (see Week celebration above)
- January 24: Beer Can (or bottle) Appreciation Day; and Compliment Day (my readers, you’re looking fine today!)
- January 31: drawkcaB Day
And with that, I’ll leave you to pursue your goal of being the best you can be in 2014.
Lighten up Mondays
Here’s a somewhat risque joke for the last Monday of the year:
Sister Christen’s first post as a missionary was in a remote tribal area in East Africa. She realized that the first step in converting the heathen would be to teach them her language. She began her lessons with the tribal chieftain.
Leading him into the countryside, she pointed out a banyan tree and said, “Tree.” “Tree,” the chief repeated obligingly.
Next they came across a herd of monkeys, “Ba-boons,” explained Sister Christen. “Ba-boons,” he repeated. “Very good.”
The nun was quite proud of herself. At the riverbank they encountered a herd of hippopotami and she slowly spoke out the word, and the tribesman dutifully repeated, “Hip-po-pot-a-mus.”
Then, what should they encounter in the rushes at the water’s edge, but a couple making love. Blushing, the nun blurted, “Man on bicycle.”
Paying no attention, the chief thrust his spear into the man’s back.
“Chief, why did you kill him?” screamed the horrified nun.
“Him on my bicycle,” he explained with a shrug.
Lighten up Mondays
The week before a space launch, an astronaut tries to relax at an out-of-the-way pub. Unfortunately the bartender recognizes him and says, “You fellows at NASA think you’re something, going to the moon. But we’ve got a couple guys here who’ve been building their own spaceship out back.”
Reluctantly, the astronaut goes outside to look – the spaceship is a mess of beer bottles, cans and junk. “We’re planning to go to the sun,” boasts one of the spaceship builders.
“This thing will be incinerated before you can get close to the sun,” the astronaut warns.
“We got that all figured out – we’re going at night!”
Children: some of the most honest people I’ve ever met
Before children are taught by their elders to filter what they say, children simply say what’s on their mind. Sometimes their statements are inappropriate, but sometimes the statements are delightfully fitting.
The following entries are not original to me – I found them on another blog site – but I thought you would enjoy the humorous anecdotes that follow.
The scene: a classroom. The characters: a teacher and her students.
- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
- MARIA: Here it is.
- TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
- CLASS: Maria.
- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
- JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
- GLENN: k-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l
- TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.
- GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
- TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
- MILLIE: I is …
- TEACHER: No, Millie … always say, ‘I am.’
- MILLIE: All right … ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
I don’t know about you, but I think my son-in-law who teaches elementary school will probably get a kick out of the above dialogue.
Lighten up Mondays
When the brash young advertising executive arrived at La Coupole for his lunch appointment, he spotted Bill Gates at a corner table and went right over. “Excuse me for interrupting your meal, Mr. Gates,” but I know how much you appreciate enterprise and initiative. I’m trying to win over a very important account today – it could really make or break my company – and the clients I’m meeting with would be incredibly impressed if you stopped by our table at some point and said, ‘Hello, Mike.’ It would be an incredible favor, Mr. Gates, and some day I’ll make it up to you.”
“Okay, okay,” sighed Gates, and went back to eating his lunch. He finished and was putting on his coat when he remembered the young man’s request. Obligingly, he went over to his table, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hi, Mike.”
“Not now, Bill,” interrupted the young man, “can’t you see I’m eating?”
Living: the ultimate team sport 