Old Timothy O’Daly was clearly on his deathbed. So his son, Liam, was completely taken aback when the old man plucked at Liam’s sleeve, drew him close, and said, “My boy, it’s time for you to go for the Protestant minister.”
“But, Dad.” gasped Liam in surprise, “what on earth would a good Catholic like yourself be wanting with a Protestant minister at a time like this – meaning no disrespect of course.”
“Get the minister,” ordered his dad fiercely, and after a few more sputtering protests, his son hurried off to honor what might be his father’s last request. He was back with the Reverend Wilson within forty-five minutes, and listened in dismay outside the door as the minister converted his father and administered the Protestant faith’s last rites.
“His distress, however, paled beside that of Father McGuire, who hurried up the stairs past the departing Reverend Wilson. “Tim, Tim, why?” he cried, bursting into the old man’s room. “We went to St. Joseph’s together. We were altar boys at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart. I was there at your First Holy Communion and you attended the first Mass I performed. How in the world could you do such a thing?”
“Paddy,” said O’Daly, leaning back against his pillows, “I figured if somebody had to go, better one of them than one of us.”
When I think about the subject of having to tell someone some bad news, I think of the conversation: “I’m not gonna tell them – YOU tell them!” “No, I’m not gonna tell them – YOU tell them!”
No one wants to be the harbinger of bad news – especially news that will change peoples’ lives forever. When friends and family need to hear the news that someone in the family has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or other dementia you wish it was as easy as the task you avoided at work – telling your cubical-mate that he has bad breath. Nope – when lives are at stake – and quality of life issues are at stake – the ballgame changes – certainly not for the better.
In the attached article above, you’ll read the story about a family who had to make the agonizing decision about who to tell about a wife’s early dementia diagnosis – and when to tell them of the news. What’s so beautiful about this husband’s telling of the story, is how much he took his wife’s feelings into account when determining the best conversational course to take. The route he and his adult stepchildren chose was not one of denial, such as can be the case in some instances, rather, they faced the reality of this cosmic shift in their lives, and did what worked best for them and for their loved one.
Each circumstance is different – and those involved need to make appropriate decisions that fit the dynamics of their particular situation. (It’s certainly not a one size fits all solution.) And let’s face it – when someone starts out on this caregiving journey – it’s definitely a matter of on-the-job training. In the above family – it appears to have been done quite well.
One day, three men are out having a relaxing day fishing when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After they haul the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, she will grant each of them a wish. The first man doesn’t believe it, so he says, “All right, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done.” Suddenly the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done.” The second man starts to recite solutions to mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry.
The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says, “Quintuple my IQ.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.” The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t, I won’t set you free.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking, it’ll change your entire view of the universe. Won’t you ask for something else – a million dollars – anything?” the mermaid insists. No deal; the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”
The above link, from a December 2012 NBC News report, addresses the conversations that many of us – well, many of you anyway – still need to have with your parents. (My mother died in 1994, my father in 2007 – those conversations have long since taken place.) In many respects, my brother and sister and I were fortunate because in our family, the topic of sickness and death seemed no different from discussing that night’s dinner menu – perhaps even easier. That’s just how it was in our household growing up. But I’m aware that universally, that is not the case.
GIFTS. Who doesn’t like receiving gifts? Most of us get a kick out of being handed a package with a fully wrapped surprise within and told to “open it!” “What, for me?” Yes – for you. Perhaps the gift is something we didn’t expect, or we’ve sufficiently hinted our exact wishes and finally someone gifted us with that long sought after item. Fun, isn’t it? Someone cared enough to gift you with something you’ve always wanted or you receive something that you didn’t know you wanted, but it turns out, you do!!!
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. A few years ago, I succeeded in convincing my wonderful hubby that we needed to put together our “last wishes” which of course includes a Will, but more importantly, an Advanced Health Care Directive. My husband is one of those who isn’t exactly comfortable sitting around the dinner table – or any table for that matter – talking about death. I get that – I really do. So I couched this discussion by talking about what a gift my parents, and his parents, gave their families by specifically outlining what to do when it came time to do something.
When your loved one is heading towards the great beyond, it’s comforting to already have his or her wishes on paper and ready to execute – no pun intended. I’ll use my father as an example. My father died at the age of 89 on October 13, 2007. Official cause of death was prostate cancer but advanced Alzheimer’s was a huge factor in his death. There is no way my father would have a) survived cancer surgery; and b) even wanted cancer surgery at that stage of his dying. His Advanced Health Care Directive very clearly stated his wishes and us three siblings had copies of that document and respectfully went along with his wishes. Dad saved us the stress of making an extremely difficult guesstimate of what he would have wanted in the midst of that situation. His dying was already an emotional experience so I can’t imagine having some sort of discussion about when to stop treating his illnesses.
The legal document, drafted years earlier, was drafted for this specific time. Even if dad had been conscious – and he was not – his dementia would have prevented him from making a well-informed decision. If ever there was a time when dad’s gift was ready to be presented – this was it. That gift allowed us to spend our last hours with him simply loving him; singing to him; and telling him how grateful we were to have him as our dad. Beautiful.
You don’t have to wait until you are 50 years or older to put your wishes in print. Old people aren’t the only ones dying who require some sort of affirmative decision-making. Someone in their thirties could be in a horrific vehicle accident and end up lingering on the precipice of death. A forty-year old person could have a stroke and be on that same precipice. It’s never too early to do something about your exit from this world as we know it. You can always change your mind later – you decide that you do, or do not, want hydration, so you revise the document. That’s the beauty of word processing – it’s changeable, and once you get that revised version documented by witnesses, you’re good to go! Literally.
If you choose to use an attorney, you can go through the local Bar Association for referrals or you can attempt the same outcome by doing it yourself. Many office supply stores have boiler plate legal documents you can readily purchase – but be certain to purchase the forms that contain the required legal verbiage for your state or territory. Additionally, organizations such as Compassion and Choices provides forms that you can download from their website, even a form that has a Dementia Provision. Who woulda thunk? Not me.
The Holidays may be over, but the season of gift-giving is not. Won’t you consider giving your loved ones one more gift this year?
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy is in the bathroom.
As Jimmy is getting undressed, he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet?” Then he throws his socks underneath the bed.
Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and goes into the bathroom.
Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, “How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath? I’ve got to tell him, and I know just how to do it.”
Just then, Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something.”
Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”
Attention one and all! There’s a new website out that will be addressing the challenges of being a caregiver. The author/owner of this website, Don Desonier, is coming from the perspective of someone who very recently lost his spouse as a result of dementia complications.
Don’s five-year journey as a caregiver provided him with heart-rending experiences from which he garnered exceptional insight and wisdom. I personally look forward to his article postings – so much so, that I became his first blog follower. At the very least – why don’t you check out the website and visit from time to time. I feel confident that you’ll walk away feeling renewed with the realization that you’re not alone, and somehow or another – there’s a way through this difficult journey that you’re on.
I commend this Blogger, and I love him. Don is my brother and he was an extraordinary caregiver to his wife of almost twenty-five years.
There are SO many items to cover this first month of 2013 so I’m going to work up to the daily celebrations by providing you with a sampling of Weekly and Monthly notable items that you can look forward to in 2013:
The month of January is:
Artichoke and Asparagus Month
Get Organized Month (makes sense – New Year’s Resolution perhaps?)
International Brain-Teaser Month (I don’t get it)
Poverty in America Awareness Month
International Quality of Life Month
National Stalking (not Stocking) Awareness Month
National Volunteer Blood Donor Month
Be Kind to Food Servers Month
Bath Safety Month – what? Is this the only month we’re extra careful when stepping in and out of the tub?
January weekly celebrations/events:
Jan. 1-7: Diet Resolution Week
Jan. 2-8: Someday We’ll Laugh about This Week
Jan. 3-7: Women’s Self-Empowerment Week
Jan. 11-17: Cuckoo Dancing Week (as I’ve said before, I don’t make these things up)
Jan. 16-20: National Soccer Coaches of America Week
Jan. 20-26: Clean out your In-Box week (I believe this applies to e-mail In-Box and physically-on-your-desk In-Box)
Jan. 20-26: Hunt for Happiness Week
Jan. 21-25: No Name Calling Week
Jan. 28-Feb.2: National Cowboy Poetry Gathering Week
Lest you feel as though the end of the Holiday Season should bring about deep depression and regrets, simply read the above for a pick-me-up throughout the month and look at the January Daily Celebrations to discover the uniqueness of this first month of the year.
One of the sideshows at a circus featured a strong man who squeezed an orange until it appeared to be completely dry. When he finished, the strong man’s manager challenged anybody in the audience to come forward and try to get one last drop out of the super-compressed piece of fruit. To make the offer a bit more enticing, the manager offered a thousand dollars to anyone who successfully eked out even one tiny drop of juice.
A weight lifter with bulging muscles bounced up onto the stage, grabbed the orange from the manager, and pressed it with all his might. Nothing came out.
Next, a big, burly construction worker sauntered up and took the orange from the exhausted weight lifter. After ten minutes of intense squeezing, and a lot of grimacing, the construction worker finally admitted defeat.
“No other takers?” the manager asked with a satisfied sneer. “May I try?” responded a short, skinny bespectacled woman from the back row. The manager couldn’t keep a straight face as he and the rest of the crowd watched as the stranger made her way up to the front.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Suddenly, the laughter stopped when, to everyone’s amazement, the woman picked up the orange and squeezed a puddle of juice onto the floor.
Flabbergasted, the manager sputtered, “How the heck did you do that?”
In Washington State, there are currently 150,000 people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. In the rest of the Nation, more than 5 million have Alzheimer’s disease. That number will jump to 16 million by the year 2050. Most of us envision an elderly person with some sort of dementia. We might even expect it to occur in those 85 or older. Listen to me Baby Boomers – young and not-so-young – the number of people diagnosed before the age of 65 – known as early-onset Alzheimer’s – is more common than you think. In the United States alone, those with early-onset disease currently number 200,000.
That number decreased by one when my exceptional sister-in-law died on July 4, 2012 at the age of 69. Just about the time that Baby Boomers should be anxiously making their final retirement plans – such as was the case with my brother and his wife – they are instead dealing with the challenges of managing a disease for which there is no cure.
Sixty-four year old Lon Cole, a resident of Puyallup, Washington, is one of the 200,000. The local NBC affiliate, King5 in Seattle, Washington, ran a touching story about this gentleman. I hope you will take the time to look at this news article: Alive and Thankful: Living with early-onset Alzheimer’s. Those who have managed, or are currently managing, the care of a loved one with early-onset disease, will be touched by this family’s story.
In my article: https://babyboomersandmore.com/2012/06/17/lifes-final-deadline/ I address the issue of what the days leading up to ones death might be like. Your article – so well put – brings clarity and comfort to those of us whose loved ones have slipped away. Thank you.
This holiday season, as our own hospice team makes visits in our community, we are particularly attentive to families losing loved ones on or near the actual date of a holiday.
Hospice workers carry a humble respect for the feelings that come with holiday loss.
Whether death occurs on a holiday or not, it is often common for the death date, the time of death, or the circumstances around the moment of death, to signify a meaning that is personal and symbolic to the family.
I have been asked to hold workshops at two different Middle School/Junior High Schools in the next few weeks in an attempt to show that the gap between us Baby Boomers and the pre-teen/young teen population isn’t as big as one might think.
Photo by KF. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The age group of this audience is not one with which I have ever worked but I absolutely love stretching my skill set so I’m very excited to take on this task. I hope to deliver a workshop that engages the younger age group and leaves them with the tools needed to be more comfortable connecting with people in older age groups.
Description of the workshop, submitted to the schools: There is so much to be shared between generations, but we often miss out because we feel as though we speak different languages – and sometimes we do. For example, when you say that something’s “filthy,” your grandparents might have said it was “boss.” Believe it or not, your grandparents, and your great grandparents, were your age once so you do have that in common, and while it’s true that there is a lot to learn from older generations, they can learn a lot from you, too.
That’s where you come in. We all know that there are obvious differences between the two generations, given the advancement of technology and the like, but I think a closer look at those differences brings about the realization that many similarities exist but they are just dressed differently.
I covet your input so please feel free to leave some suggestions and/or comments below.
A lawyer is standing at the gate to heaven, and St. Peter is listing the lawyer’s sins:
Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit when he knew they were guilty;
Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high;
Overcharging many clients;
Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case … and so the list continued.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life too.”
St. Peter looks in his book and says, “Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy fifteen cents and tell him to go to hell.”
In the article linked above, a fellow blogger provides an exquisite sampling of the types of circumstances some life journeyers may be going through resultant from losses that have placed them in a difficult transitionary time in their lives.
Chances are all of us will experience more than one of the transitions that Don frames in this article that so delicately – and movingly – touches on the topic of grief and loss that occur when “first” occasions without someone come around on the calendar.
May all of you receive the comfort you need during the “first” times on your grief journey.
It’s happening again. Churches are being encouraged to get involved in politics by using their worship space as the venue in which worshipers can sign petitions that speak out for, or against, certain governmental policies.
In April 2012, prior to November’s General Election, the Roman Catholic Church in Washington State, and other statewide mainline Christian denominations, held petition signings during their worship services in an attempt to shoot down Referendum 74 which was drafted to acknowledge marriage equality between men and women who chose to marry someone of their own gender. Politics invaded that worship space, thus blurring or obliterating the line that separates spiritual church practices from government policy.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Earlier this week, a local Seattle area church capped off their worship service by offering Letters to the President for church members to sign supporting restrictions regarding gun control. Today, President Obama announced the formation of a commission on gun control and encouraged the American people to help change the current gun laws in an effort to reign in gun violence, and to focus on improving access to mental health services. You’ll hear no argument from me on that effort – I might sign any worthwhile and well-thought out petition that is not being promoted by any religious leader and not being made available in any church organization’s worship space. In today’s statement, however, the President asked for the help of mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, Pastors, and the like, to be a part of this effort because he can not do it by himself. It is my hope, however, that these efforts will not be cloaked in the trappings of religious beliefs or precepts. Standing at the pulpit trying to persuade church attendees to support more rigorous gun control measures – or to not support such measures – is an abuse of the pulpit.
Surely there are other non-pastoral men and women who can provide the same well-thought out petition signing opportunities centered around gun control and mental health issues in more public and civic settings.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Retail locations, libraries, city and county government offices, and – dare I say it – school campuses – come to mind as more appropriate locations for such efforts. Those close to me know that I am a well-read, spiritually sensitive, and globally aware human being. I’m outspoken and painstakingly fair in what I believe and in what I support, but on this issue I can not back down: anything politically motivated must be separate from all that is housed within the walls of ones worship space. You don’t have to believe as I do, that’s your right. I am simply, yet passionately, proposing that any efforts such as were introduced today, not be cloaked in the vestments of religion.
Two clerics get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, one says to the other.
“There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live in peace the rest of our lives.”
The other replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“And look at this, says the other, “here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune!”
He then hands the bottle to the other man, who takes a few big swigs and hands the bottle back. The man takes back the bottle and immediately puts the cap on.
The other man asks, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?”
“No, I think I’ll wait for the police to join us.”
Twenty young children and six school employees lost their lives in a Newtown, Connecticut elementary school today.
Approximately 40 parents said good bye to their young children for the last time this morning – children whose siblings, aunts and uncles, nephews, cousins, and grandparents, have one less family member. The school employees’ families are one short as well.
A lone gunman broke his way into an elementary school today with a Bushmaster .223 long rifle and two semi-automatic pistols: a 9mm Sig Sauer, and a 10mm Glock. He will not be tried in a court of law. He was the 27th human life that breathed its last at the school today.
This tragedy currently ranks as the 2nd worse school shooting in our Nation’s history. The 2007 Virginia Tech massacre of 32 takes 1st place; the Columbine Colorado High School incident comes in at 3rd place, with 13 massacred.
How does anyone reconcile the horror of this act?
And how do we erase the picture from our minds of children running down the school corridor with their eyes shielded, as advised by the emergency responders, to avoid seeing the carnage in and around the school office. You see, the school principal, a mother of five children of her own, and the school psychologist, were two of the six adult employees murdered today. But wait – there’s more. The gunman killed his mother at her home. All weapons used during the massacre were legally registered to the mother – a gun enthusiast.
Why even write an article about this tragedy when there is no lack of news coverage at your fingertips?
My reason for doing so is to vainly try to express my horror and grief over the loss of life that occurred today, and the loss of innocence that was stolen from the surviving children who witnessed the carnage. At this time of year, these children should only be concerned about whether the items on their Holiday gift lists will appear in their homes. Now these children – and all children in schools throughout the Nation and the World – have to wonder if their school is safe; if they can run away fast enough; if their favorite teacher will be a target.
I don’t have anything else to say other than to leave you with a sentiment from Nobel Peace Prize winner, and Holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel:
We must choose between the violence of adults, and the smiles of children; the ugliness of hate and the will to oppose it; between inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man, and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves for naught. Even in darkness, it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. There it is – I still believe in man, in spite of man.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, the mother started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
About a week later, Julie approached John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy lade. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll call her just to be sure.”
He called his mom, “Mom, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you had dinner with us.”
John’s mother replied, “I’m not saying you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
Grief – when one experiences a loss, there is no way around this emotion. It has no clearly defined end. It manifests itself differently for every individual. The writer of the above article shares the personal side of how this emotion presented itself in his own life in this continuation of his series of articles on grief.
This “personal snapshot” is a follow up to his first article in the series that addressed an event in ones life for which everyone’s grieving experience takes on a slightly different character. I hope you’ll read the article attached above, and his previous article – also available on his website.
The attached article, written by a fellow blogger, needs no introduction other than for me to tell you that Margo beautifully describes a perfect evening with her hubby who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago.
As with my November list of “celebrations” the last month of the year is filled with many notable – and not so notable – events, some obvious – some not so obvious:
Dec. 1: AIDS Awareness Day; Rosa Parks Day, Playboy Magazine first published (had to add something for everyone)
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, knowing that after all the research they did to find a great place, she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast of an omelet, sausages, and pancakes, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while, she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two very attentive nurses immediately rushed to her side to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seemed okay but after a while, she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her upright. This went on all morning.
Later the family arrived to see how their mother was adjusting to her new home.
“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?”
“It’s pretty nice here,” she replied, “except they won’t let me fart!”
In all of my busyness, I was not aware of this gentleman’s response, contained in the link above, to Ann Coulter’s usage of a word that evolved people no longer use when describing those with Down Syndrome or other learning disabilities. During the most recent U.S. Presidential Election, I watched the interview in which Ms. Coulter used the R-word. She made no apologies, and she even scoffed at the idea of having to be politically correct all the time. I was horrified, but I didn’t do anything about it.
John Franklin Stephens did something about it – and did so quite eloquently. You are a hero to me Mr. Stephens, and you are a hero to the rest of us who have a heart of compassion towards others. A great definition of compassion is as follows:
Compassion isn’t a sign of weakness, but of civilization. – Nicholas Kristoff, Seattle Times columnist.
I think that as a society most of us are trying to be more civilized, rather than less. That doesn’t appear to be the case with Ms. Coulter.
Sally Abrahms’ article linked above does a fantastic job of addressing some common emotions felt by the family caregiving community – those who provide free caregiving services to their loved ones. Let’s look at the three emotions she mentions and also look at the struggles many caregivers experience at their place of employment.
Grief. We grieve the loss of the person who is still with us. “When someone dies, it is an overwhelming and horrible experience, but it is the end of something,” says Suzanne Mintz, cofounder of the National Family Caregivers Association. “But with a caregiver, the grief is perpetual; it goes on and on and on.” Until you’ve experienced the ambiguous loss of your loved one, you can not say that you understand that particular type of grief. This ambiguous loss may result from a loved one’s dementia, debilitating disease, or other conditions that rob the patient of their physical or cognitive abilities. Ms. Mintz states that when one person receives a diagnosis, you both receive the diagnosis. You both experience the gradual loss of the life you once had and you know it won’t be coming back. That is a grief that keeps on giving because as time goes on, more and more of one’s previous abilities disappear right before your eyes.
Guilt. “I wish this would all be over so I can get my life back.” Oh my gosh, did I just say that? Many of you have felt that way and then struggled to rid yourself of the ensuing guilt. But guilt is constant – whether it manifests itself in believing that you are not doing enough for your loved one, not doing enough for your family, feeling negative towards the one receiving your care – it is constant. And it is normal. These negative feelings don’t make you a bad person. Rather, they are proof that you are a sensitive, aware and evolving being who hasn’t yet perfected the art of living.
(Photo credit: TNLNYC)
Exhaustion. Physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion sneak up on you and if not attended to early enough, they are killers. In my article, Caregiver: put on your oxygen mask first, I address the need to place yourself as more important than the person for whom you are providing care. “Gee, that’s pretty darn selfish!” Not at all. If you get what I’m talking about, you’ll agree that your loved one’s care is fully reliant on your ability to provide it. You can’t do so if you are on the brink of exhaustion, or worse, you die before your loved one, which is more common than you would like to think. You need a caregiving team. That team may consist of other family members and/or neighbors and acquaintances. You can’t do it all by yourself. If you’re a solo caregiver, check out the article, Solo Caregiving. This article provides tips on how to get the help that you need from those around you.
Discrimination. According to the recent report, Protecting Family Caregivers From Employment Discrimination, “roughly 42% of U.S. workers have provided unpaid elder care in the past five years” and that number is expected to rise to about 49% by the year 2017. With so many family caregivers out there, especially with the incidences of Alzheimer’s and other dementia on the rise, we all hope that employers will be more inclined to help their employees. But discrimination does occur in the workplace in the form of: limited schedule flexibility, denied leave or time off, and even dismissal from ones job.
The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) protects some caregivers but is an imperfect protection that is not required of employers with fewer than 50 employees. Additionally, of those employers required to adhere to FMLA guidelines, the employee must have been with their company for at least twelve months and have worked at least 1,250 hours during the previous year. With no FMLA protection, your job is at risk – especially in an economy when so many other workers would be glad to put in the hours that you’re not able to fulfill.
A word to employers. I know that it’s hard to maintain success while some employees just aren’t pulling their weight. But I think you’ll agree that some of you need to be more sensitive to the struggles experienced by your caregiver employees – employees who have never let you down prior to this difficult time in their lives. These exhausted souls can’t tread water fast enough – won’t you help them? Please do what you can to make reasonable accommodations that will lessen this temporary turn of events in your employees’ lives.
Sit down some day and take the time to write down as many experiences of loss that you can recall during your lifetime. Quite naturally, you will list times of grief resultant from a death in the family, grave illness, and the like. But there are other losses that we experience that can have just as much of an impact on our lives. The end of a marriage is one of those.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The article linked above does a great job at shining the spotlight on the loss that is experienced when a marriage ends through divorce. Even if both parties to the marriage come to a mutual decision on the matter, the parties oftentimes enter a period of mourning. Understandably they feel a certain sense of relief at the conclusion of the divorce process, but a feeling of loss becomes a very unexpected part of their lives going forward.
My thanks to this Blogger for giving couples permission to acknowledge the loss they are feeling at the dissolution of their marriage – even one for which they were both on board.
The brief article, above, is one of admonishment and encouragement. Thank you my fellow blogger in Singapore for your extraordinary insight.
I think many of us can dredge up similar instances when someone responsible for the care of our loved ones dropped the ball. In my case, I flew down from Seattle, Washington to visit my father at a hospital in Oregon where he had been admitted because of a medical condition that had became acute in light of his Alzheimer’s disease.
I entered his room and saw him sitting up in his hospital bed, frantically rubbing his back on the stack of pillows behind him. “Dad, you look really uncomfortable. What’s going on?” “I don’t know,” he said, “but my back feels hot.” One look at my father’s back was enough to raise my blood pressure, and it takes a lot to do that since my BP is usually around 100/65. My father’s back was raw with welts. What he was feeling when he said that his back was hot was extreme itching.
(Photo credit: Ralf Heß)
I summoned a nurse – no small feat since it appeared that an old person with dementia in a hospital room was not as important as the other patients on the hospital floor. The nurse told me, “Oh, he must be experiencing an allergic reaction to the solution we used for his bath in bed. It’s the type of cleanser you don’t have to rinse off.” “Well, evidently, you do have to rinse it off! Look at the welts on my father’s back. He’s in misery! You have to get this dried soapy solution off him in order to relieve the itching!”
The nurse left the room, only to return a couple minutes later with a stack of washcloths. “Here, use these.” Then she walked out.
Left to my own devices, I drenched several of the washcloths in cold water, opened the back of my father’s hospital gown and proceeded to clean off, and cool off, his back. “Dad, this is going to feel real cold but it will make you feel better.” And it did. Ministering to my father in this way was a gift. I still wasn’t happy with the hospital staff, but I began to appreciate what turned out to be one of the final personal acts of caregiving for my father.
A month later I again flew down to Oregon, but this time, the cold washcloths I applied to my father were employed to bring down his temperature as he spent the last hours of his life in his assisted living bedroom dying. My father’s cancer – inoperable at that stage of his body’s vulnerability – had placed him in a stage of unconsciousness. As the staff alleviated the discomfort of his cancer with morphine, I lowered the fever brought about by the shutting down of his body’s organs.
A month earlier, what good would have come about if I had read the riot act to the nursing staff at the hospital? None whatsoever. Instead, I can be thankful for the gift of hands-on caregiving and comfort that I was able to provide my father while he was still alert and able to express his relief at having a cool, itch-free body.
I’m sad thinking about these incidents that occurred in the Fall of 2007, but I’m also delighted with having had the opportunity to minister so personally to my extraordinary father during the last weeks of his life.
A man and his wife had an argument one evening and weren’t speaking to each other afterward. He had a business flight in the morning, so before he went to bed, he wrote a note reading,
“Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.,” and left it on her pillow.
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was 7:00 and that he had missed his flight.
(Photo credit: prettywar-stl)
Furious, he was about to go confront his wife when he noticed a piece of paper next to his pillow. The paper said,
Chances are all of us will experience more than one of the transitions that Don frames in this article that so delicately – and movingly – touches on the topic of grief and loss that occur when “first” occasions without someone come around on the calendar.
One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, knowing that after all the research they did to find a great place, she would be well cared for.
Living: the ultimate team sport 