21st Century Living
Paper versus digital: what do you choose?
via Paper or pixel? Don’t burn those books just yet.
Monica Guzman wrote a thought-provoking article in the Sunday Seattle Times, linked above, that I read in the print-edition of the local newspaper today. I enjoy reading the newspaper each morning; my husband reads the same newspaper in the evening – both times providing opportunities for daily ritualistic enjoyment. Ms. Guzman describes these occasions as “a world where paper is sweet, sweet, sanctuary.”
I’m certainly a technological user. I own a desktop computer, a laptop, a tablet (Kindle), and a smartphone. Because I’ve grown accustomed to the ease with which all of these devices are used, I have been guilty of the same snobbishness (read superiority) experienced by Ms. Guzman. I observe someone reading a bound paper book in a coffee shop, or on an airplane, and I think to myself, “Welcome to the 21st century people; how lame can you be?” But like Ms. Guzman, I’m also jealous.
If we compare paper to digital as media, one is smart, and the other is dumb. If we compare them as devices, “(P)aper’s purpose is simple. You look at it or you put something on it.” Digital media, however, has as many “purposes as infinite as the operations they perform.” But is that always a great thing? Take into consideration the columnist’s statement:
Next to the capabilities of digital, paper is dumb. But next to the tranquility of paper, digital is an assault. Alive with possibilities but full of demands. Always connected but never done. (Emphasis mine) Triggers, enablers, provocateurs.
When I finish reading a print-edition newspaper, I don’t leave it on my nightstand just in case updates come in during the night that I might need to read. Ditto with a hand-written letter I receive from a friend – she put down her thoughts on paper, I’ve read it and might even save it, but the letter is finite – unlike e-mails which leap out at us with each vibrating notification.
In days past, when I finished reading a particularly riveting paperback novel, I would close the back cover, hug the book to my chest, and glory in the connection that said book created in me. I might even mourn that I had finished the book. Give me more! When I finish reading a book on my Kindle Fire HDX, regardless of how fabulous a read, there’s no device hugging going on. Instead I’m instantly downloading another title to be at the ready for my next respite of reading time. One down, millions to go.
Convenient, yes, but I must say that before I entered the Kindle generation, I thoroughly enjoyed requesting books from my local King County library, knowing that it might be a few weeks before the title finally became available to me. How exciting it was, however, when I received an electronic notification that the book was now available for pick-up. I might even drop everything, stop what I was doing, and make an extra car trip just to grab hold of the much-anticipated title.
What an extraordinary pleasure that was.
I don’t bemoan my technological gadgets – they do make my life easier and I am certainly more tuned in to the latest updates in the news, good or bad. But I don’t want paper to go away. I cancelled my Newsweek print magazine prescription when they went to an all digital format in 2012. I don’t want to sit at my computer or gaze into my tablet to read a periodical. (Hear that Seattle Times? Keep printing!) But listen to this. Earlier this month Newsweek brought back their print edition. I sincerely hope this is an indication that print periodicals aren’t dead. I share the same sentiment provided by Ms. Guzman towards the end of her article:
Not long ago I was convinced paper was outdone. Outperformed. Beaten. It wasn’t a question of whether paper would die, but when. Now, I hope it sticks around long enough for us to know why we would want it to.
What about you: paper or digital?
Lighten up Mondays
This entry is from the Washington Post, publishing the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. I provide a few of those for you today.
- Coffee (n): the person upon whom one coughs
- Flabbergasted (adj): appalled over how much weight you have gained
- Abdicate (v): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
- Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk
- Willy-nilly (adj): impotent
- Negligent (adj): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
- Lymp (v): to walk with a lisp
- Gargoyle (n): olive-flavored mouthwash
- Flatulence (n): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
- Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline
- Rectitude (n): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists during an exam
- Frisbeetarianism (n): the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Aging successfully: “think fast!” vs reflective contemplation
The New York Times article The Science of Older and Wiser by Phyllis Korkki, provides a scientific, yet personal, foray into the location of where wisdom resides.
The article also addresses levels of importance between the speed with which information is retrieved from one’s mind versus a life filled with meaning, contentment and acceptance. Speedy retrieval of information appears to belong to those who are younger than Baby Boomers while those who take longer to tap into a data-filled mind are us Baby Boomers or older for whom information retrieval falls second. Once that information is retrieved, however, it is used to gain insights and perspectives that form the basis for wise behavior and decisions.
Must everything in our lives function at breakneck speed? Consider these synonyms for fast, or quick:
- speedy
- swift
- express
- high-speed
- immediate
- expeditious
- brisk
- hasty (haste makes waste!)
We live in such a fast-paced world that we find ourselves snapping our fingers at how long it takes to make a cup of K-Cup (pod) coffee. We want it now! Now, I tell you! What’s taking so long? We will even pay extra when traveling by plane in order to use TSA’s faster Pre-Check security lane, and we’ll pay an annual subscription to Amazon.com to get free 2-day shipping for the plethora of things we purchase there.
But is faster always better than reflective contemplation?
Consider some definitions of wisdom provided in the above-attached article:
- “True wisdom involves recognizing the negative both within and outside ourselves and trying to learn from it.” (Ursula M. Staudinger, The Berlin Wisdom Project);
- Wisdom is characterized by a “reduction in self-centeredness.” (Monika Ardelt, associate sociology professor, Univ. of Florida, Gainseville);
- If you are wise, “You’re not focusing so much on what you need and deserve, but on what you can contribute.” (Laura L. Carstensen, founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, California); and
- An important sign of wisdom is generativity, which means “giving back without needing anything in return.” (Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of Focus and Emotional Intelligence, psychologist, science journalist.)
Given the descriptions for the word “fast” and the characterizations for the quality known as “wisdom”, what will your life’s main focus be as you graduate through the various stages of aging? Unless your later years involve being the fastest on the ski slopes, or the quickest person to complete the NY Times crossword puzzle, consider this element of successful aging: “(M)ost psychologists agree that if you define wisdom as maintaining positive well-being and kindness in the face of challenges, it is one of the most important qualities one can possess to age successfully.” (Phyllis Korkki, New York Times)
Baby Boomer Resilience
How resilient are you?
How readily do you bounce back when you’ve been cut off at the knees? when you’ve experienced a long streak of bad luck? when your hopes and dreams are just that: hopes, and dreams?
I am inspired to write this brief piece today because of an extraordinary act of resilience that I witness about this time each year.
Eleven years ago my daughter opened up a bridal party business that was very successful. She started the business in August 2003 and the Grand Opening of the store occurred in March of that same year. One of her vendors, a custom jewelry designer, sent her a live plant in celebration of her store’s opening. The sweet smelling floral plant was appropriately named, Bridal Veil (stephanotis floribunda).
I had the privilege of working at my daughter’s boutique from its inception, and then off and on when she needed extra help with the bridal parties. Approximately two weeks after her store’s opening, the Bridal Veil plant had come to its seasonal end so I took it home and planted it in my backyard, just underneath my kitchen window, cutting the greenery down to the dirt. 
And every year about this time, the Bridal Veil shoots break through the ground and seem to announce, “Spring is back and so am I.”
I am certain that you know people who have exhibited far more heroic and miraculous resilience than this silly plant’s arrival each year – so have I – but I still can’t help but be impressed and pleased, each and every year that it does. It has survived 100 degree (Fahrenheit) temperatures and 10 degree temps, not to mention a blanket of snow that manages to cover it when the snow starts falling around Washington State.
But each year, it comes back, and each year, I’m still surprised and as pleased as Punch! Definition: feeling great delight or pride.
Many of us would give up at the first degree of scorching heat and we certainly might throw in the towel when the snowflakes start to fly. I don’t want to be less resilient than the stephanotis floribunda.
Do you?
DUI of Dementia
Fatal crash restarts conversation on aging drivers | Local News | The Seattle Times.
When is it okay to drive while impaired?
NEVER.
And yet many drivers that are cognitively impaired are doing just that. Justin Runquist’s Seattle Times article, attached above, addresses the wave of aging drivers that has swept onto our roads. I’ll be the first to admit that dementia isn’t always the impairment associated with aging drivers. Sometimes medication side effects and/or slower response times – even without Alzheimer’s or dementia – can be the cause of accidents that can harm the driver, and anyone in his or her path.
In this article, however, I address the type of DUI that does involve dementia. As I mentioned in my two part series: Driving under the influence of dementia and Part 2 of that article, there are far too many news reports covering the risks of impaired driving – many of which end in disaster.
How can we possibly take comfort in denying that either ourselves or our loved ones should no longer get behind the wheel? This type of denial is dangerous but it is possible to get around the difficulties associated with this subject without alienating yourself or others.
In my article: Driving with dementia: the dangers of denial I offer a few suggestions on how to take the keys away – or give up ones own keys – before someone else gets hurt.
For those of you who are still driving and who have considered even once that you shouldn’t be doing so – please read all the articles attached within this blog entry and then decide if you still feel comfortable driving a weapon that might kill you, or someone in your path. And for you adult children who have felt the same uncomfortableness surrounding your own parents’ driving skills – take heed and act before it’s too late.
A normal day, caregiving style
Approaching The Final Destination. The attached article focuses on one caregiving journey that is coming to an end. Chris McClellan’s caregiving journey is coming to a close because his partner, TLO, is approaching his final destination. Recently, another blogger that I follow, who was the caregiver for her husband, Chuck, came to the end of her caregiving journey because Chuck approached, and reached, his final destination.
Each caregiver/blogger that I follow has said the same thing in almost the same words that echo how Chris describes the tenor of the day-to-day life of a caregiver: “I’ve come to realize that what I might think is a routine day, is totally off the charts by normal standards. I’m sure most family caregivers can get in touch with that.”
Whether a loved one needs care because of cancer, as in TLO’s case, or Alzheimer’s, as in Chuck’s case, the lives of both caregiver and patient are forever changed once a diagnosis is pronounced. The 10-15 minute medical consultation in an exam room or a doctor’s private office thrusts the recipients into the as-yet-unknown world of living with a terminal illness.
My brother’s wife, Nancy, was diagnosed with mixed dementia when she was barely 65-years old. In the first article on my brother’s caregiving blog, he also characterizes diagnosis day as the day his life, and that of his wife, changed forever.
Normal becomes a shifting paradigm that can look different from month to month or moment to moment as a loved one’s disease progresses towards its final destination. Both caregiver and patient can’t recall – for one reason or another – what normal used to mean before the disease’s arrival in their lives. I know from personal experience with my father, that the caregiver truly can’t imagine life without caregiving – so all-consuming and life-changing is a fatal disease in ones life.
Normal? What does that mean? And in the midst of caregiving, you become aware that the only escape from this new and ever-changing normal is the death of the one for whom you provide care. What liberation! What freedom lies on the horizon!
No, that is not what the caregiver is thinking. He or she is focused on the here and now, because such focus is required in order to adjust to the shifting sands of normalcy.
But the end does come as it did with my father on October 13, 2007, with my sister-in-law on July 4, 2012, with Chuck in late February 2014, and as will happen with TLO once Chris and TLO’s journey comes to an end.
What we all would give for just one more day of abnormal normalcy with our loved ones.
But all journeys come to an end, and none of us would rob our loved ones of their final escape to a destination towards which their lives had been headed since their own personal diagnosis day.
Freedom from pain; freedom from physical and cognitive restrictions. Let it be.
Chatter that matters
My adult life has been an open book; just ask my husband. He would tell you that on our very first dinner date at a Kirkland, Washington waterfront restaurant, I pretty much told him my life from A to Z, and then some. That’s why it was so astounding that at the end of our date he asked, “Would you like to do this again?”
Wow, I didn’t scare him off.
I’m pretty sure my open book living started quite young for this girl who is one of the most talkative people I know. What can I say? Apparently a lot. As a youngster, I recall engaging my parents’ dinner guests in conversation, even sitting on their laps, without much hesitation or shyness. And along with my brother and my sister, we would sing and dance for any person who would sit down long enough for us to entertain them. I’m quite certain this ability is a Desonier family trait that has been passed down from generation to generation.
Being talkative is one thing, but if your words don’t account for much, that’s all they are – just words.
I admire those who are able to change the world – or at least improve someone’s day – with an economy of words that have more impact than any vomiting of words that I can spew during the course of an hour. My husband, Jerry, is one of those talented people. Forgive me for sounding morose, but I guarantee that years, and years, and years from now, those attending my husband’s funeral will remark on how he was a man of few words – but the words he spoke were golden.
At our wedding reception – a family-only party at our residence – I told both families that one of the things I admired most about Jerry is that he is a man of very few words, but what he says is worth listening to. Of course seeing as his siblings were also at the reception, one of his sisters yelled out, “Yah, he’s an empty book!”
That’s humorous, but far from the truth. My husband’s story is one of family, commitment, and protectiveness. He’s always thinking about what he can do to protect his two adult daughters and how he can keep me safe, wherever I may be. 
I love taking walks – rain or shine – in our rural neighborhood where dogs, bobcats, and even black bears, have been known to present themselves when you least expect it – not to mention the inattentive drivers who may not notice that I’m trekking along the side of the road. In the past ten years, my husband has gifted me with: waterproof long pants, a sturdy walking stick, a fluorescent yellow vest, a pair of straps with strobe lights on them that I can either wear around my arms or my ankles, pepper spray, and the list goes on. Some wives may take offense to receiving such practical gifts, bemoaning the fact that he must not love me if these are the types of gifts he thinks I really want. I see those practical gifts as a sign of love from someone who wants me to be around for many years to come.
Words, followed up by actions, have the power to change everyone in your corner of the world. Whether hastily spoken harsh words or well-thought out words of encouragement – your corner of the world will be changed. Many of us need to learn to swallow our words and only let escape those that feed and nourish the recipient. I, for one, can cut my dialogue in half, as long as what remains serves to build up those with whom I come in contact.
One thing is for certain; the less often you open your mouth, the less opportunities exist to stick your foot in it.
Lighten up Mondays
What follows are a couple humorous discussions about marriage:
When the traveling salesman got the message at the hotel desk that his wife had given birth, he rushed to the phone.
“Hi, honey,” he cried happily. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Irving, Irving,” sighed his weary wife, “is that all you can think about? Sex, sex, sex?”
An aspiring actor called home to announce with great pride that he’d been cast in an off-Broadway play. “It’s a real opportunity, Dad,” he said. “I play this guy who’s been married for twenty-five years.”
“That’s great, son,” enthused his father. “And one of these days you’ll work up to a speaking part.”
Mice are our friends
It’s not often – or ever – that I would tout the beauty and benefits of mice, especially since where I live in a very rural part of my city, mice are a force with which to be reckoned during their annual winter attempts to seek warmth in crawl spaces, attics, and home interiors.
Today, however, I am making a one-time exception because it appears that mice brains have become very valuable in the medical and science worlds’ attempts to map the human brain, and mapping the human brain contributes to the effort of solving brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s. I’ll leave it up to you to read the full article, attached above, because my efforts at summarizing scientific jargon would fall short of doing that science justice.
What I will say, however, is that I am extraordinarily excited that valid attempts are being made to decipher the science of our brains; attempts that generate hope in the lives of those of us who have personally experienced the destruction of a loved one’s brain by Alzheimer’s – a disease that I’ve been known to call “a murderer.” Read my article, Alzheimer’s disease is a murderer to understand the full impact of my feelings on the subject matter.
I know that a lot of behind the scenes research is being done to eradicate a disease that is always fatal, but we aren’t always privy to what that research looks like. I’ve read numerous horrific statistics about the numbers of people who have – and will have – Alzheimer’s in the years to come. Part of those statistics include the detailed monetary impact on society as a whole, as well as the personal and emotional costs to each of us who have dealt with, and who have yet to deal with, the disease’s intrusion into our lives.
I congratulate the Seattle Times and the New York Times, for publishing the above article. And I sincerely thank the Allen Institute for Brain Science for taking on a task whose efforts will benefit every last one of us in this country, and around the world.
You are my hero Paul Allen. Keep up the good work.
Lighten up Mondays
A motorist got his car stuck in the mud while on a drive through the country. A farmer happened to be by the side of the road and offered to pull him out for twenty dollars.
“At that price, I would think you’d be busy day and night pulling people out,” said the motorist.
“Oh, I can’t at night,” said the farmer. “That’s when I haul water for this here hole.”
Being prepared, the Alzheimer’s way
If the monster called Alzheimer’s is going to get you, you may as well be prepared.
How I’m Preparing to Get Alzheimer’s, is a 6 minute and 24 second video recorded in June 2012 at TED Global in Edinburgh, Scotland. This brief talk by Alanna Shaikh will do more to wake you up about this disease than anything you’ve heard thus far.
If there is even the slightest chance that one of us will get Alzheimer’s or other dementia – and trust me, there’s more than the slightest chance – then we’d better start shaping what Alzheimer’s will look like for you and me. Here’s an example.
Ms. Shaikh’s father has Alzheimer’s and she talks about the various hobbies and interests held by her father when he was healthier and how those interests carry through during the Alzheimer’s disease process. He was a college professor at a state school and as Alanna put it, “he knows what paperwork looks like.” Now in the depths of his disease, someone can put any type of form in front of him and he will gladly fill it out, arbitrarily writing his name or numbers on the various lines provided, and he’ll check the boxes littered throughout the form. He flourishes in that engagement of his time.
What happens, however, when your favorite hobby pre-disease is reading and editing academic journals, racing cars, or using electric shop tools to make beautiful well-crafted furniture? How will those hobbies or skills survive the disease process? Not very well. So Alanna has come up with three things that she’s doing now to prepare her for the possibility of the Alzheimer’s monster invading her life.
Please watch Alanna’s video. I think you will be impressed by her thought process.
Victories in Caregiving
The above mini-article, This Magic Moment, by a fellow blogger, is magnificent in its message of hope, love, and connection.
Caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, in this instance a spouse, is a difficult task and so very unpredictable. Sometimes the unpredictability brings heartache and extreme difficulty.
However …
sometimes the unpredictability results in a heart filled with renewed promise of goodness and beauty. Celebrating every victory that comes our way – regardless of how small some may think it to be – is reason to strike up the band, blow up the party balloons, and relish the joy that exists in that very moment.
Lighten up Mondays
A man is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden, who asks to see his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these fish; they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle, and these fish jump out, and I take them around to see the sights, only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing a word of it, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me, then just watch.”
He then throws the fish into the water.
The warden says, “Now, whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water.”
“What fish?” asks the fisherman.
Caregiver Coaching Services
via Desonier Caregiver Coaching Services.
Click on the link above to read about one man’s journey from spousal caregiver to professional coach of those who are caring for loved ones with Alzheimer’s or other dementia.
During my time of caregiving, (my father died in 2007 from complications relating to Alzheimer’s disease) I oftentimes sought out the advice of anyone I could get my hands on who might a) lighten the emotional load I was carrying; b) lead me in the right direction when looking for next steps in the caregiving process; and c) let me cry a river as I pondered whether I was doing enough for the one for whom I provided care.
Way back when I was enmeshed on my caregiving journey, I was not aware that this type of coaching service was available – perhaps it wasn’t. What speaks volumes to me is that the prevalence of Alzheimer’s and other dementia is such that more and more people seem to be adrift and searching for that beacon of light that might pull them safely to shore.
One thing I know for sure, however, is that if it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly takes at least that when trying to take care of a cognitively challenged parent, spouse, sibling, partner, or friend.
Lighten up Mondays
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy.
Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and give him a chance.
“This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is called a lariat. We use it to catch the cows.”
“Hmmm,” said the man, “and what do you use for bait?”
Two men went duck hunting with their dogs but were having no success.
“I think I figured out what we’re doing wrong,” said the first hunter.
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?” asked the other.
“We’re not throwing the dogs high enough.”
Advocacy for long-term care residents
Alternate Title: Give me a damn beer!
Lately I’ve read various blog posts mentioning that employees of long-term care (LTC) facilities are routinely disregarding the rights of their residents. What’s that you say? You didn’t know that when these older folks walked through the doors of a facility, thus giving up their cherished long-term independence, they actually gained rights that they never had before? Here’s some information that will benefit you and your loved ones. I’ll explain by way of providing a few examples:
- Charlie moves his mother into a facility and the head of Health and Wellness strongly suggests that he not visit her for awhile so she can adjust to living in a different environment.
WRONG! If mom wants her son to visit her, Charlie should ignore the “advice” of the H&W employee and visit mom as often, and as long, as he and his mom wishes. Logic: What do you think benefits mom most? The calming presence of her son who has been the only constant in her life, or the absence of any person or thing that would lessen the feeling of abandonment in a strange environment?
- June, who is confined to a wheelchair, is forced to go to an activity by facility staff. Apparently June’s family has asked staff members to make sure that June gets out of her room and socializes with other residents. On this particular day June would rather stay in her apartment and watch game shows on television.
Who wins this argument? June should because it’s her life, and neither staff, nor family, can force her to do anything. Logic: Doesn’t someone who’s lived at least 7 or 8 decades have the right to make decisions that are important to her? Yes – and that right is protected by law. Legal implications: June is reliant on others to transport her to and from places, therefore when she’s taken to the activity room against her wishes, the law considers that action as physical restraint because she is “stuck” in the activity room and in her chair, and not able to physically move herself elsewhere on her own steam. Additionally, the facility is guilty of coercion – forcing June to do something she doesn’t want to do.
- George joins his buddies in the dining room for lunch and orders a chili dog and a Bud Lite. When the meals for him and his buddies are served, George’s chili dog has been pureed and his beer has been substituted with a glass of iced tea.
Dilemma: The server tells George that his doctor ordered a pureed diet because George almost choked on a roll at a nearby restaurant and he risks aspirating on his food. The server then tells George, and anyone within hearing distance, that his doctor also said George should not drink alcohol because of his diabetes.
Rights infractions: The server talked about a medical condition in front of his buddies by mentioning two medical conditions: George’s choking hazard and his diabetes. That’s a violation of his privacy rights. George is aware of the choking incident – and he is also aware that alcohol may not be such a good idea because of his diabetes – but he is making an informed decision to eat and drink what he wants, knowing all the risks involved. Solution: Oftentimes facilities are worried about liability in these types of situations – very understandable. To resolve such a concern, all that is needed is to conduct a “care conference” in which the health & wellness director, George, and perhaps his doctor by phone, discuss the risks inherent with George’s decisions. They can easily discern that George has weighed the pros and cons and that although he acknowledges that doctor’s orders have been issued, George decides to disregard said orders. Care conference notes should indicate the gist of the discussion; perhaps everyone in attendance signs their name agreeing that what is written in the notes accurately reflects the points covered in the discussion, and then everyone should be happy and no lawyers need to be involved.
I strongly suggest that you contact the long-term care ombudsman in your state should you have any inkling that your loved one’s rights are being neglected. Visit the National Ombudsman Resource Center (NORC) and join with them to advocate for your loved one. Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, and certainly all of you would agree that all people should have a satisfying quality of life regardless of ones’ age and residential environment.
Final thought: put yourself in your loved one’s position … what would you want done on your behalf?
Submitted by Boomer98053, a retired Certified Long-Term Care Ombudsman.
Lighten up Mondays
He had hoped the situation would eventually resolve itself, but finally the good-humored boss was compelled to call Mr. Brown into his office.
“It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out, “that every time there’s a home game at the baseball stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”
Mr. Brown looked incredulous, then responded,
“You know, you’re right, sir. I didn’t realize it. You don’t suppose she’s faking it, do you?”
Lighten up Mondays
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, lived together in a large, rambling house in Asherville, North Carolina. One night the 96-year old was drawing a bath for herself. She put her foot into the tub and paused. She shouted to her two sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year old sister yelled back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She started up the stairs and paused. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year old sister was sitting at the pine wood kitchen table, having tea and listening to her sisters’ conversation. She shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful … knock on wood!”
She then shouted, “I’ll come up and help the both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Adult children who parent their parents
A LIFE BEYOND | SOUL BIOGRAPHIES.
The attached 7 minute film depicts a positive take on being an adult child-caregiver for ones mother. The same could have been filmed of a spouse-caregiver because the message is the same.
Please make every effort to watch this film straight through without distraction. I believe you will conclude – as I did – that what is depicted is beautiful beyond measure.
There is no denying that caregiving is extremely difficult. But there are certain opportunities inherent with the task that create a link between the carer and the one being cared for that might not have been possible without dementia’s onset.
As the adult daughter most involved with my father’s care management, I can conclude that through all the difficulties of his Alzheimer’s journey, there was a certain richness to our relationship that might not have existed without the intrusion of Alzheimer’s in his and my life. I would have preferred that he had never suffered and died from this disease – don’t get me wrong – but I’m grateful for the deeper relationship that resulted from it.
I feel blessed to have been on the caregiving journey with my father. And my, oh my, do I still miss him.
Lighten up Mondays
Two jokes with the husband getting in the last word:
This man was out golfing with his buddies. He was about to putt when a hearse drove by leading a funeral procession. The man set down his club, took off his hat, and put it over his heart until the procession had passed.
“That was the most decent thing I’ve ever seen you do,” one of his friends said, to which the golfer responded,
“It’s the least I cold do; we were married thirty-two years.”
These guys rob a bank wearing gorilla masks. As they’re getting away, a customer pulls off one of the robbers’ masks to see what he looks like. The bank robber says, “Now that you’ve seen me, you have to die,” and he shoots the man dead.
The robber then looks around the room. Everyone is looking away or covering their eyes. “Did anyone else see my face?” An Irishman in the corner slowly raised his hand. The robber then asked, “You saw my face?”
“No, but I think my wife might have got a wee peek.”
No one is perfect
A big issue for small minds | Opinion | The Seattle Times.
Syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts Jr. had an Opinion piece in the January 19, 2014 Seattle Times Sunday newspaper. His article focuses on the cruelty that comes out of the mouths of people who feel they are obligated to point out the obvious to others. During and after her appearance on the Golden Globes, the exceptional 30-year old actress, Gabourey Sidibe, became the target of many anonymous, and sometimes identified, Twitter trolls who decided to remind her that she’s fat. One Tweet said she looked like the Globe in the Golden Globes; another stated that she missed the hour glass look by 10 hours.
Leonard Pitts questions when and how did this type of truly sadistic personal meanness become acceptable, even common place? “Everybody’s got something…some physical or emotional blemish measuring the distance from you to perfection.” So why do we think it’s any of our business to criticize someone else’s imperfection? Doing so is an act of judgment of someone about whom we know very little.
What happened to what Mr. Pitts calls “home training” that is supposed to teach us that there are just some things you don’t say to – or about – people in a public forum? Are these grown adults mimicking the behaviors from their upbringing, or did they just decide on their own to cut people to pieces, not caring a wit about the harm such cutting banter will have on the recipient?
Bullies – all of them.
Whether our “something” is shaped like the emotional scars of abuse, an eating disorder, physical or developmental disabilities, bad teeth, or a nose that is too big, too fat,or too small, no one has a right to inflict hurt on us by their words. Does hurting someone with words serve to downplay our own imperfections and/or personal issues? Does a person actually feel better after they’ve called someone a tub of lard, or uglier than sin, or dumber than a doornail?
I’ll leave you with Nobel Peace Prize winner, Eli Wiesel’s statement during an interview with Oprah Winfrey a couple years back. May it be a challenge to me, and a challenge to you.
As a human race, we must choose between: the violence of adults, and the smiles of children; the ugliness of hate, and the will to oppose it; inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man, and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves for naught.
Even in darkness, it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. Every moment of our life is essential; every gesture is essential. Our role in life is to give an offering to each other.
Lighten up Mondays
Two jokes involving a wife and her husband where the wife gets in the last word:
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband when she said,
“I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband then asked, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”
The wife replied, “It’s me talking … to the wine.”
A woman accompanied her husband when he went for his annual medical checkup. After the appointment, and while the husband was getting dressed, the doctor came out to the waiting room to meet with the man’s wife.
“Ma’am, I don’t like the way he looks.”
To which she replied,
“Neither do I; but he’s handy around the house.”
Come back for next week’s Lighten up Mondays where the husband gets the last laugh, and the last word.
What you hope for is worth the wait
Contemplating high hopes for the new year | Local News | The Seattle Times.
The Seattle Times newspaper has a Saturday column, Faith & Values, that spotlights a variety of religious denominations. One week there might be an article by a Catholic priest, another week, from a Rabbi, another, an Imam from the Islam faith. On Saturday, January 11th, the one who submitted her article is a minister with the Northwest Ministry Network (Assemblies of God), Jodi Detrick.
Ms. Detrick quotes several of the more well-known scriptures from the Bible that focus on hope, one of which is: “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 8:24
In my experience, I’ve found that there are many messages of hope out in the universe, and not all of them come from a spiritual text. Take Astronaut Mark Kelly’s response to Diane Sawyer on ABC’s 20/20 program a couple years ago. When talking about his wife Gabrielle Gifford’s chances for recovery from a gunshot wound to her brain, Diane Sawyer suggested that he was holding out too much hope for his wife’s successful recovery from the bullet’s onslaught. His response:
“You can’t have too much hope! That’s not practical!”
Isn’t that the truth? How limiting it would be to portion out a wee bit of hope, but not invest fully in that state of being. “In other words, it’s OK to be filled with anticipation for things that seem way out of sight and out of reach … Uncertainty is where hope does its best work,” says the columnist Jodi Detrick. Two years after the 20/20 interview, Gabrielle Giffords is doing “miraculously” better and she would argue that her day-to-day life is very complete, and very worthwhile. Thank goodness neither she, nor her husband, gave up hope!
“Hope outlasts disappointments. Not everything we hope for, happens, it’s true … Unrealized expectations can be an open door to new possibilities – options we hadn’t previously considered.” Jodi Detrick again. I agree with her statement because I’ve experienced those other possibilities. I’ve certainly couched my hopes and dreams to look a certain way, only to discover that the options I hadn’t previously considered managed to transform my hope into something better than I could have imagined.
Interestingly enough, the first hope that Jodi Detrick mentioned when she listed the types of dreams that hopeful people think about, was writing a book. I happen to be writing a book about the effects of Alzheimer’s on family caregivers and the ones for whom they are providing care – a project I started on December 29th, 2012. In the year since then, my novel has been through numerous edits – some of a substantive nature, and many that were grammar related. The mission for my book has always been to put a personal face on Alzheimer’s disease; to expand on the impressive, yet horrific, statistics on this fatal condition by making it more personal, and therefore more real.
One of my first “friendly editors” happens to have the same name as the protagonist in my book, Colleen. When Colleen read the very first draft of the very first 150 pages of my book, her first question was, “Who is your reader?” I insisted then, and I insisted for the past year, that my reader is the current or former caregiver, or the soon-to-be-caregiver who will find themselves amongst the millions of family members caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia. “But does the caregiver have time for the luxury of reading a novel? Or does the caregiver even want yet something else that reeks of the challenges they are currently facing?”
Crap. Of course not. But I kept on structuring the novel in my original – and stubborn – way. My second friendly editor was a coworker who was dying of cancer. Dennis wanted me to hurry up and finish my book so he could read it – “before it’s too late.” I gave him what I had. A week later I met with him and one of the constructive suggestions he gave me was, “You should be considering this novel as a textbook.” My response: “Dennis, I’m not writing a textbook. I’m not even writing non-fiction. I chose fiction as the genre because I don’t have any sophisticated initials that signify astute knowledge, such as: MD, PhD, MSW (Masters of Social Work), and the like.”
Dennis responded, “I do have a MSW and I think your novel should be required reading for medical professionals and others directly involved in Alzheimer’s care.” I continued writing, thinking that a textbook might be a secondary use for my novel, but it would primarily be a vehicle that provides hope and promise for those intimately involved on the Alzheimer’s disease journey. (Didn’t I tell you I can be a little stubborn?)
Fast forward ten months. I had lunch two weeks ago with a friend of mine, Gwen, and a woman who lives in the same apartment building as she. This woman, Liz, works for a company that provides a remarkable early-detection testing and monitoring system for those suspected of having mild cognitive impairment. I’m not here to promote the company, I’m merely providing the background of the person I met.
My friend, Gwen, brought up the fact that I was writing a novel about Alzheimer’s with a focus on the caregiver and patient journey. Immediately, Liz suggested that the founder of her company, who among other qualifications, has a PhD in Clinical Psychology, should read my manuscript. The Curriculum Vitae for each member of this company’s scientific advisory board contains more initials after their names than letters in the alphabet. These professionals know their stuff and most of it focuses on Alzheimer’s and other dementia.
I insisted that if the founder were to read my manuscript, Liz had to pave the way and do so without putting any pressure or sense of obligation on this very busy doctor. She met with him and that afternoon, Liz e-mailed me his contact information. Phew! Very long story, short, he is now in possession of the first 150 pages (the much revised version which I printed and overnighted to him) and he is taking it with him on vacation. What?!
Indeed, what? Also – what does this mean? Can I throw all caution to the wind and have even greater hopes that he and/or his advisory board will provide valuable input so that my manuscript carries more credible weight? Can I also wonder if my manuscript’s exposure to these professionals may segue into what my now deceased friend, Dennis, suggested it should be? Required reading? Whoa! The institutions of higher learning to which these professionals are attached, to name a few, are: Duke University Medical Center, University of Washington (Seattle) Medical Center and Memory Disorder Clinic, Stanford University School of Medicine, and UC San Diego School of Medicine.
I know what you’re thinking. “Aren’t you getting way ahead of yourself Irene? You could be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.” My response to that is: Haven’t you heard? Hope outlasts disappointments.
And so I keep on hoping.
Rocking the boat on your life’s voyage
Forgive me, if you will, because I am going to start this blog piece by quoting some of the lyrics from Katy Perry’s song, Roar. You may not have heard of this popular singer or if you have, you may not follow her career, but one of her songs resonated with me and challenged me, so thus begins a few of the lyrics:
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath; scared to rock the boat and make a mess, so I sat quietly, agreed politely. I guess that I forgot I had a choice; I let you push me past the breaking point; I stood for nothing so I fell for everything.
When was the last time you swayed in the wind of other people’s opinions and fearing ostracism, you swayed in silence even though you disagreed with those opinions being expressed around you? What did that feel like?
You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust. You hear my voice, you hear that sound, like thunder gonna shake the ground; you held me down, but I got up; get ready ’cause I’ve had enough. I see it all, I see it now…
How long did it take to break the hold that your silence had on you? How much time passed before you got up and let your “you-ness” shine forth amongst the crowds – whether those crowds consisted of strangers or close loved ones? What did it take for you to divert from the ebb and flow of popular opinion and launch your own?
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire; ’cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar. Louder than a lion, ’cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar.
The purpose of this open-ended article is to encourage some personal internal dialogue wherein you answer the above questions for yourselves and discern whether or not you’ve been stifling beliefs or opinions that define the essence of who you are, but which you’ve held to yourself because you don’t want to rock the boat.
What are you waiting for? The author, Eckhart Tolle would say that Now is all you have. You can’t go back and correct the past; it doesn’t exist anymore. You can’t rely on there being a future. All you have is the present moment, so do yourself a favor and stop denying who you are, and what you believe in. Take it from someone who knows – you’ll like and respect yourself a whole lot more when the real you starts living.
Lighten up Mondays
An older lady fell into the water, and not being a swimmer, she called for help.
A man jumped in to save her and grabbed her by the hair, but she was wearing a wig, and it came off.
He then grabbed her by the chin, and her false teeth popped out.
In desperation, the man yelled,
“Somebody help me save all of this woman that we can!”
Medical tourism – Alzheimer’s style
More Alzheimer’s patients finding care far from home | Nation & World | The Seattle Times. This article looks at the direction in which Alzheimer’s care may be shifting. There are currently 44 million Alzheimer’s patients globally with 135 million projected by 2050. Even now, Western spouses and family members are faced with an insufficient supply of qualified nurses and facilities, while other countries provide cheaper – and to some minds, better – care for those suffering from an illness for which very few effective treatments have been developed, and that is always fatal.
The treatment center that is the major focus of this Associated Press article is located in Thailand – the Baan Kamlangchay center. Additional elder care options in other countries are mentioned, such as the Philippines, Eastern Europe, Spain, Greece, and Ukraine. Cost is the driving force of those who are “exporting” (not my word) the elderly to these foreign countries. One gentleman from Switzerland brought his 65-year old wife to Baan Kamlangchay because the monthly cost for her Alzheimer’s care ($3,800) is a third of what he would pay in his own country and he states that the staffing ratios are far better, and the activities more engaging. In the Philippines, care is offered to Americans for $1,500 to $3,500 a month, compared to the average of $6,900 for a private room in a skilled nursing facility in the United States, according to the American Elder Care Research Organization.
Cost shouldn’t be the only consideration, however, when moving a loved one into Alzheimer’s or dementia care – and that applies to every country in which that care is available. What are the training requirements for those who will be providing this disease-specific care for your loved one? What type of governmental or social service oversight is in place to protect and advocate for the rights of those patients who can not advocate for themselves? The latter question becomes extremely relevant when the patients’ families are not around to observe care on an ongoing basis. In the previous paragraph I mentioned the man who brought his 65-year old wife from Switzerland to Thailand for care. He is now faced with the very difficult decision of perhaps leaving his wife of 41 years in the facility, and returning to Switzerland to carry on the rest of his life.
That’s a decision unbearable in its emotional implications.
What are your thoughts? Are you willing to become an expatriate should this medical need present itself in your life?
January 2014 Celebrations
January 1st brings a new year for us and new opportunities to get it right in 2014. Here are some celebrations you might want to dive into:
Month: National Bath Safety Month; National Blood Donor Month; National Hobby Month.
Week: 2nd week in January – Letter Writing Week – get out that stationery and pens and get to it!
- January 1: Happy New Year!
- January 2: Run up the Flagpole and see if Anyone Salutes Day (sounds like a horrific hangover action)
- January 3: Festival of Sleep Day, but not until after you’ve celebrated Fruitcake Toss Day
- January 6: Bean Day; and Cuddle Up Day (maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t sound like a good idea)
- January 10: Peculiar People Day
- January 13: International Skeptics Day (I seriously doubt that)
- January 14: Dress up your pet day (I see people celebrating this event all-year round – scary)
- January 16: National Nothing Day
- January 17: Ditch New Years Resolutions Day (been there – done that already)
- January 18: Winnie the Pooh Day (birthday of author A.A. Milne)
- January 20: Martin Luther King Jr., Birthday
- January 21: National Hugging Day
- January 23: National Handwriting Day (see Week celebration above)
- January 24: Beer Can (or bottle) Appreciation Day; and Compliment Day (my readers, you’re looking fine today!)
- January 31: drawkcaB Day
And with that, I’ll leave you to pursue your goal of being the best you can be in 2014.
Driving Under the Influence of Dementia: Part 2
I addressed some of the issues of Driving under the influence of dementia in an article I wrote in November 2013. Back then I hadn’t planned on writing a Part 2 for this article, but after a couple local incidents involving DUI of dementia, I must provide the following.
Yesterday afternoon in a suburb of Seattle (in Bellevue), an 89-year old woman with early stage Alzheimer’s left her house for her normal daily routine of going to her favorite pancake house, then to several retail locations. She never returned home last night and as of today, she is still considered missing. I hope the outcome of her case is better than that of another elderly person with Alzheimer’s who also went on a brief errand, but never came home. (Update as of 12/28/13 6:45 pm: this woman was found safe approximately 16 hours after she first left her home. She was found 20 miles away from home. Unfortunately, she wandered 20 miles away from her normal driving area.)
On Saturday, December 21, 2013, Joseph Douret left his Seattle area home (in Issaquah), to grab dinner. He was reported missing the next day by his wife who stated that he never came home the previous evening when he left to grab some dinner for the two of them. Mr. Douret, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s, was found dead in his vehicle on Christmas Eve. Police indicated that he appeared to have died of natural causes.
Taking away the keys to a vehicle – or getting rid of the vehicle as need be – are both very difficult tasks, but these are tasks that must take place if a loved one with dementia still has access to their automobile. “But he/she is only driving a few blocks to pick up a couple items; there’s no way he/she will get lost.” Unfortunately, what should be a routine drive can become a death journey because nothing is routine for the person with a brain addled by dementia. Nothing looks normal or familiar; the anxiety ratchets up several notches; panic sets in; and the countdown begins for that person’s last hours of life on earth. Even if the person is eventually found safe, he or she will have endured a very uncomfortable time emotionally and physically. The positive outcome of that incident, however, is that it will most likely be the catalyst that spurs people on to remove all driving options from their loved one.
Please make the decision today to take action and do the responsible thing on behalf of the person with Alzheimer’s or other dementia.
Where do you find peace?
I’ve made a few edits to this article that I wrote in April of 2012. I’m re-blogging it because I know that the Holiday season may be joyful for the multitudes, but that is not always the case for everyone. I’m thinking of the reader who simply wishes this season would end and that a new year would begin…a new start that might herald in a smidgeon of much-needed peace. This one’s for you.
Do you find peace within the circle of your family; or does meditation or prayer, an inspirational book, or music fill your soul? Wherever the source – how do you keep that peace from slipping away?
Certainly when we’re exposed to sorrowful or earth-shattering news, any semblance of peace and calm seem to disappear, such as: acts of terrorism – both domestic and abroad; heartless school shootings; bigotry and hatred; and even devastating illness. How many times has your armor been pierced by such circumstances?
Too many to count. So how do we find peace amongst the chaos?
We can find peace in many small ways – probably the easiest way to do so is to acknowledge the beauty that surrounds us. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist, the beauty you see is the same. It’s always refreshing when I walk through my local plant nursery,
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Children: some of the most honest people I’ve ever met
Before children are taught by their elders to filter what they say, children simply say what’s on their mind. Sometimes their statements are inappropriate, but sometimes the statements are delightfully fitting.
The following entries are not original to me – I found them on another blog site – but I thought you would enjoy the humorous anecdotes that follow.
The scene: a classroom. The characters: a teacher and her students.
- TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
- MARIA: Here it is.
- TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
- CLASS: Maria.
- TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
- JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
- TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
- GLENN: k-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l
- TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.
- GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
- TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
- MILLIE: I is …
- TEACHER: No, Millie … always say, ‘I am.’
- MILLIE: All right … ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
I don’t know about you, but I think my son-in-law who teaches elementary school will probably get a kick out of the above dialogue.
Living: the ultimate team sport 