Health & Wellness
Release day for Requiem for the status quo
Today is release day for my debut novel.
On December 29, 2012, I first sat down to write that novel.
On the day of the fifth anniversary of my father’s October 13, 2007 death, I decided to write a novel inspired by my caregiving experiences as his Alzheimer’s care manager. I was certain novel writing would be a huge undertaking because up to that point, I had never written fiction. Because of the enormity of said project, I figured I would wait until the beginning of the following year – you know, a fresh start and all.
But the universe had other plans. My December 29, 2012 horoscope was what the universe used as the catalyst to get my attention. More than that, it shocked me into action. The horoscope so alarmed me, I cut it out of the newspaper, typed it out in large font, and after writing my novel’s very first page, I framed all three to memorialize the outstanding coincidence of what my Taurus-scope said. Here, for your enlightenment, is its wording:
Now’s perfect to start a new writing project; no need to wait until next year. Put down your thoughts without worrying about form, one word at a time.
I showed the horoscope to my husband and if it at all possible, he was more shocked than I at the horoscope’s content. He left me alone the remainder of the day, knowing the horoscope meant business, and so did I. I closed the door to my office, sat at my computer and started typing.
I didn’t know what I was doing. As I mentioned earlier, I had never written fiction. At that point, my personal blog, Living: the ultimate team sport was filled with 100s of non-fiction pieces, most of which centered around aging, long-term care, as well as numerous posts about Alzheimer’s disease, other dementia, and the caregiving struggles faced by families. But to write prose – with dialogue!!!!! – was beyond my skill set, and remained to be for quite some time.
The short of the long of it is that Requiem for the status quo was not the first title for the novel, there were many, the first being Have we met? Aren’t you glad I changed it to its current one? Not only were several titles tried on but my magnum opus went through many rewrites, most notably and importantly, the first draft contained a whopping total of 140,000 words. You see, I had a lot to say and I just kept typing until I had nothing more to add.
That’s an excellent way to get thoughts down on paper, but the first draft is by no means the final product that is pitched to agents and publishers. My now published novel is less than 68,000 words. Yes, lots of cutting and slashing took place over the years, to the point where not only am I proud of the finished product, but a publisher is also proud of it, Black Rose Writing.
I will close this post by providing glimpses of my father to you over the years. I hope you enjoy this montage that includes, from top left: My mother and father’s wedding day, 1947; my wedding day 2000 (my favorite photo of my dad and I); and the Desonier family circa 1971.
Reader discoveries
To celebrate my novel’s release, I held a giveaway on a Facebook readers group, A Novel Bee, and made some extraordinary reader discoveries.
I gave the members of that group 24 hours to leave a comment on my giveaway announcement if they wanted to be entered into my contest to pick one lucky (hopefully lucky) reader to receive a complimentary copy of my novel, Requiem for the status quo.
I received 37 entries, and a considerable percentage of those readers’ entries made mention of their own personal Alzheimer’s/dementia caregiving journey. Here are just a few of those comments:
- I am a geriatric care manager, can’t wait to read it!
- My friend just had to put her mom into a caregiving rest home because she could no longer handle her. She was becoming quite violent. It is a horrendous disease.
-
I love that you are writing inspiring stories! Many of us are or were caregivers and the hopelessness we feel when we dont see them getting better can be overwhelming. Your compassion is so sweet and much needed in todays world. Im really excited to find a new author I can enjoy!
- I would be honored to read this book, my father had Alzheimer’s disease. I want to tell you that the cover is totally amazing !!!!!
- I would love to win. My husband has Alzheimer’s/ dementia so it is if special interest to me.
Even as familiar as I am with the statistics for this disease – 44 million diagnosed worldwide as of this writing – it still astounds me to hear the personal stories associated with it. Like every terminal disease known to man, Alzheimer’s and other dementia are very personal diseases. The brain – the very essence of a person’s being – is the initial body part affected. What we say, how we behave, and who we are resides in the various, vital parts of our brain. Our brain is the grand traffic director of all things me.
It’s no wonder the very long goodbye associated with this disease is so devastating to the one diagnosed, as well as for the one caring for her or him. It’s very personal, isn’t it?
I am of the belief that family dementia caregivers are 21st century heroes. Additionally, all caregivers, not just those on a dementia caregiving journey are the best of the best. They are:
Ordinary people, doing the ordinary right thing, at an extraordinary time.
I am honored to be in your company.
Requiem for the status quo will be released by Black Rose Writing on July 20th. You can order Requiem at Barnes & Noble and Amazon as well as all online and brick and mortar chain and independent bookstores. Be sure to shop around for the best price, you won’t be sorry you did. And for those of you with eReaders, the eBook will be available at most online book retailers on, or about, July 27th.
Author Celebration: Books about Alzheimer’s disease
To celebrate my own book’s July 20th release, a book that’s about Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia, I am tooting the horn of other authors who have done the same, a few of whom I know personally.
There’s a high degree of sadness surrounding this list because almost without fail, those authors who have written memoirs, story collections, fiction, and non-fiction books have done so because of their own personal Alzheimer’s journey.
Ann Hedreen, Her Beautiful Brain – A Memoir. Ann lives in Seattle, Washington, and has provided valuable support to me through my own publication journey. To quote Amazon.com:
Her Beautiful Brain is Ann Hedreen’s story of what it was like to become a mom just as her beautiful, brainy mother began to lose her mind to an unforgiving disease.
I can not imagine the struggle Ann endured while being a new mother whose time and energy was already spread so thin when life happened to her and her household, in a manner hardly believable to so many of us.
Collin Tong, Seattle journalist, Into the Storm – Journeys with Alzheimer’s, a compilation of true stories that starts with the very personal story of Collin’s caregiving journey with his wife, Linda. Collin’s support of my project, telling me not to give up when so many agents and publishers wouldn’t give me the time of day, inspired me to keep on keepin’ on. His story collection is amazing. Again, quoting Amazon:
In his compelling new anthology, Into the Storm: Journeys with Alzheimer’s, twenty-three writers, journalists, educators, health practitioners, social workers, clergy and other family caregivers from across the United States share their intimate stories of caring for loved ones with Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.
Each of the twenty-three stories are gems that you do not want to miss. I know you will be as impressed as I was by each and every one of them.
The next entry contains numerous authors and their books, found in one central location: AlzAuthors. The purpose for their site states:
We are AlzAuthors. In some way, each of us who have come together on this site have been affected by Alzheimer’s Disease/dementia. We share our experiences to bring knowledge, comfort, and understanding to others on this journey.
Click on this link to the AlzAuthors Bookstore to discover a wealth of informational and engaging books that will meet the needs of those who are caring for parents or grandparents, spouses or partners, those living with Alzheimer’s and dementia, fiction books, books for children and teens, and those offerings that provide helpful information for one and all.
3rd Act Magazine, not a book, but a publication addressing the third act of one’s life, usually heavy on those of us who are Baby Boomers. This publication has so much to offer its readers. I, for one, am pleased that the subtitle of their magazine reads, Aging with Confidence. You got that right! You’re not done with us yet; we have so much to offer the world that is spread out before us.
And yes, all of the above-mentioned projects prove that a lifetime of experience – the good and the not so terribly good – equates to having something to say, and not being afraid to say it. Which brings me to my part in that effort:
Requiem for the status quo is currently available at just about any bookstore you can walk into or find online. If a particular store doesn’t currently stock my novel, simply request that they order one for you and you should be able to get your hands on it in short order. You can order Requiem at Barnes & Noble and Amazon. Be sure to shop around for the best price, you won’t be sorry you did. And for those of you with eReaders, the eBook will be available at most online book retailers on, or about, July 27th. Additionally, would you like your local library to carry my novel? Simply ask them; quite often they are quite willing to accommodate individual requests.
Requiem for the status quo is dedicated to my father, Don Patrick Desonier, who wore his disease with the dignity it did not deserve.
I love you Dad.
The family caregiver’s hope quotient
Each person reading this post has experienced a time when their hope quotient was at an all time low.
The definition of hopeless: 1) feeling or causing despair about something; 2) inadequate, incompetent.
When life happens, as it always does regardless of our preferences, we’re bound to find ourselves unable to manufacture even a modicum of hope to get us through the circumstances in which we find ourselves:
- The loss of a job and the financial repercussions resultant from that loss.
- Crimes against our body or our property.
- Relationship disruptions.
- The devastating diagnosis of a debilitating disease: cancer, ALS, Alzheimer’s disease.
Hope isn’t what a person feels when the rug has been yanked out from underneath them and their very existence as they knew it, maybe even just five minutes earlier, takes an irreversible turn.To be sure, that’s how quickly hope can take a nosedive. Equally as quick, we can not imagine we will ever feel happy again, nor can we imagine not being overwhelmed with how life has showed up. In an instant, our level of hope took a nosedive. Read the rest of this entry »
Kindness Fridays
I was reminded the other day about an extraordinary kindness given to me shortly after I moved to the Seattle, Washington area with my two cats, Kate & Allie, the summer of 1994.
I moved into my Kirkland, WA apartment in July, secured a job as a paralegal early August, and on September 24, 1994, I received a Saturday phone call from my father, telling me that my mother had died in her sleep the night before.
Other than my brother and his family who lived nearby, I had very few acquaintances that early in my Washington state residency. Those who have gone through this type of emotional disruption know that while dealing with the rawness of grief, other matters require immediate attention. For me it was getting together with my brother and his wife that same day, making airline reservations to Honolulu, Hawaii – where my parents lived – and notifying business associates of our need to suspend all work activities so we could gather around our father who had just suffered the loss of his wife of forty-eight years.
There was one detail that needed attention in my household: my two cats who would be left on their own for, what turned out to be, a two week period of time. What’s a person to do?
I had seen and said hello to my upstairs neighbor and her Great Dane a few times but as yet hadn’t truly met and gotten to know her. I traipsed upstairs, knocked on her door, but she was not home.
Back downstairs I wrote a note explaining my emergent situation, asking if there was any chance she could check on my cats daily, feed them twice a day and fill their water bowls, and empty their litter box. I told her I would be home all day preparing for the next day’s departure and she could either call me or come downstairs and knock on my door. After placing the note in the crack of her door, I went downstairs to finalize my packing.
An hour later, she knocked on my door, pulled me into a hug, cried with me, and gladly offered her assistance in my time of need. I returned two weeks later to find two very healthy and happy cats in my apartment. Turns out she didn’t just perform the perfunctory feeding and litter box tasks, she played with my cats, even buying additional cat toys to entertain them on a daily basis so they would receive the love and attention I would have normally paid them.
That started a delightful friendship of going on walks, spending dinners with each other, and sharing in each other’s lives. Tragedy ushered in a kindness that greatly improved my life going forward.
I found hope in the midst of tragedy.
Kindness Fridays
I’m really going in a different direction with this week’s post, so bear with me.
A person can’t live in this world without being personally offended or attacked for any number of reasons, whether founded or unfounded, countless times during the course of his life.
In this world, there exists those whose modus operandi is to criticize others, bring others down, make fun of them, even bully them. The person with that MO may have any number of “reasons” why he or she acts that way, but none of those reasons are justified, plain and simple.
What do we do when someone acts that way toward us? I know how we feel, we feel hurt and angry; we feel we must be on the defensive and maybe we even want to dish out the same pain, or worse, than what was inflicted on us. A defensive action, however, turns us into someone no better than the person who lashed out at us; we join their ranks.
When an unkindness is said or done to us, the higher road is to not respond in kind. By that I mean maybe it’s better we don’t go on the defensive, we don’t fight fire with fire. Oh, let me tell you, the base part of our character wants to let loose with our own brand of meanness, but each and every one of us has the ability to choose a contrary response. Each. And. Every. One. Of. Us.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you lavish the offender with peace, love, and happiness – there are very few of us who could pull that off – but what I am saying is that we can choose to stay silent. We can walk away – both figuratively and physically – and leave that person to wallow in the slime they just created.
I learned long ago, that if someone yells at me and I choose not to yell back, their fire goes out. If I don’t feed their anger, it has nowhere to go but down. Quite frankly, my decision to walk away hurts that person far worse than any words I could ever spew back. I guess sometimes you just have to kill them with kindness.
Just. Walk. Away.
Writing to make a difference, one person at a time
First and foremost, I sat down at my computer because I had something to say about how Alzheimer’s disease affected my father. Additionally, having graduated from the unofficial school of family caregiving, I figured someone just might benefit from the good – and the not-so-good – ways in which I managed my father’s illness.
Now thirteen years after my father’s initial Alzheimer’s diagnosis, my novel will hit the virtual and brick & mortar shelves of bookstores. It will also make its way in person to a number of senior centers and senior living communities in my area. As an event on their activity calendars, I will read passages from my novel that might just ring a bell in the minds and hearts of those gathered to listen to what this Baby Boomer has to say. Maybe what I share will inspire them to purchase REQUIEM which I will gladly sell to them at a highly-discounted price. And once they’ve read my novel, perhaps they will share it with someone else, and so on down the line.
Is REQUIEM about Irene Frances Olson and her father, Don Patrick Desonier? Read the rest of this entry »
Kindness Fridays
For some, this may seem a trivial expression of kindness. For me, not so much.
When my husband and I aren’t hiking, we “hike” through the streets of our very hilly neighborhood. We have various walks that we take:
- The Wall – a very steep incline in a short period of time
- The Monster – a very steep incline over a longer stretch of time
- The Broadhurst (or Reverse Broadhurst) – a longer walk in an adjacent neighborhood, and
- The Broadhurst Monster – a steep hill in that same neighborhood
While on our walks, I lift up my hand in greeting to everyone who drives by, and without fail, the driver always returns the gesture. Sometimes the occupant in the car gives me a hand greeting before I can even lift my arm to do so.
“Yeah, but Irene, that’s not a very deep connection with someone; it’s just a throw-away gesture.”
Not to me it isn’t. It’s one way of connecting with people I might never meet. And besides, maybe the “hello” affects them just as positively as it affects me. What a great and simple gift that is.
My Alzheimer’s family caregiving journey
I had the privilege of being my father’s caregiver during his multi-year struggle with Alzheimer’s disease that ended with his death in 2007. Five years after his death, I started writing my debut novel, Requiem for the status quo, to be released by an independent publisher, Black Rose Writing, on July 20th. And now five years since I started my novel, Requiem will be available to everyone in less than 30 days. My debut novel was inspired by my father’s and my caregiving journey and is dedicated to the man whose later years was robbed by a disease that is always fatal. The book’s dedication reads: Dedicated to my father, Don Patrick Desonier, who wore his disease with the dignity it did not deserve.
I am in the very distinct and healthy position of understanding that realistically, as a debut author I cannot hope to be an instant and resounding financial success. But that’s okay, because for me it has never been about the money, but very much about helping those who are experiencing or have experienced an Alzheimer’s caregiving journey similar to mine. For that reason, most of my “book tour” will encompass senior centers in the region, as well as senior living residential communities where I hope to hold readings and sell my novel to seniors at a highly-discounted price. I know it is said that when trying to fill an auditorium, it’s all about getting butts in seats, but for me, it’s about getting books into laps.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
Requiem for the status quo is currently available for preorder at Black Rose Writing, enter discount code PREORDER2017 before July 20th for a 10% discount. You can also preorder Requiem at Barnes & Noble right now, and Amazon will be providing preorder opportunities in the days ahead. And for those of you with eReaders, the eBook will be available at most online book retailers on, or about, July 27th.
Kindness Fridays
Today’s musing takes a different turn. The focus of today’s kindness relates to my daughter Erin’s never-ending, no-holds-barred editing offerings for all things having to do with the upcoming July 20th release of my novel, Requiem for the status quo.
Erin has been one of the most consistent editors of my work and what I appreciate so much about her input is that regardless of how much she loves and adores me – and she does – she is 100% honest in her comments about my writing. I always know, without a doubt, that when she criticizes/critiques me, she is doing so out of love.
Erin wants me to succeed because she knows this project means so much to me.
In preparation for my July 29th book signing at the Northwest Book Festival in Portland, Oregon, I designed a bi-fold brochure to hand out to attendees, a brochure that introduces my book and its primary characters to those who will be browsing through the many booths and literary offerings at the festival. They may not be ready to purchase my novel right then and there, but they’ll take the brochure with them and perhaps from the comfort of their living room, will decide to order, or purchase, the book from their favorite book seller.
Erin read through my brochure with a well-tuned eye and came up with several corrections and suggestions that absolutely rendered it a far better marketing effort than it was when I deemed it perfect and ready for printing. She has a keen, literary eye on which I have relied since I started writing my novel on December 29th, 2012.
My daughter leads a very busy life, so her consistently kind contributions to my writing success mean the world to me. That is why, and for so very many other reasons, I celebrate Erin’s gift of editorial kindness that keeps on giving.
Caregiving 101: when fiction meets reality
I’ve written several articles over the years about the importance of assembling a caregiving team when caring for a loved one – a team that doesn’t necessarily rely on family because not everyone has a participatory family when it comes to these matters. That was certainly the case for REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO‘s Colleen Strand while taking care of her father, Patrick Quinn. She sought help from her brother but that was not something with which he chose to be involved.
REQUIEM, my debut novel, is now available for pre-order from my publisher, Black Rose Writing. You will receive a 10% discount with code PREORDER2017 if purchased before its release date of July 20th. Additionally, in the days ahead, both Amazon and Barnes & Noble will be offering a pre-order option leading up to the novel’s release. Ebook options will be available at most online book retailers as of July 27th.
Of all the life-changes we encounter during our journey, caregiving is one of – if not the most – difficult speed bumps to get over.
Caregiving: the ultimate team sport suggests how one might use the strengths of each team/family member to handle the varied needs during the caregiving journey.
Family dynamics that hamper caregiving success exposes the need to let go of stereotypes or childhood roles that don’t serve siblings well as adults. If ever there was a time to work together for the greater good, taking care of a family member with dementia or other terminal illness ranks right up there at the top.
Solo caregiving addresses the needs of the person who appears to be strapped with fulfilling all the roles needed for a successful caregiving venture. The solo caregiver need not settle into those roles, however. The help of other, well-meaning individuals, can lessen that daunting task. Certainly, much relies on the neighbor, coworker, even casual acquaintance, but said entities are a resource from which much assistance can be found.
Here are several more articles for the caregivers out there – and those acquainted with a caregiver – to provide some wisdom and encouragement through the tough times:
- The tethered caregiver
- Helping an Alzheimer’s caregiver
- Caregiving and the 36-hour day
- A normal day, caregiving style
- Caregiving: grief, guilt, exhaustion, and discrimination
- Long distance caregiving Part I and Part II
- Caregiver: put on your oxygen mask first
- Caregivers, learning from our mistakes and finally
- But how am I supposed to do that?
Kindness Fridays
Today’s kindness focuses on customer service – not at retail establishments but at medical offices. And I’ll be brief.
On May 17th of this year, I had a surgical consult for a nasty, invasive skin cancer that decided to make itself known on my right leg. On May 19th, I had surgery to remove that skin cancer.
I then had two subsequent post-surgical visits, May 25th and June 1st, with the latter being my final visit (knock on wood) at the Skin Surgery Center in Bellevue, Washington.
Right before I left I said good-bye to the front desk person, Ashley, and quite truthfully told her, “I’m going to miss you!”
Ashley made my cancer journey – and no doubt those of many of the center’s patients – one that felt less clinical, and more restorative. She always greeted me by my first name, recognizing me among so many that pass through the doors of the surgery center. She also remembered something important about my life – important to me anyway – and brought it up as I left.
“Enjoy your hiking this summer!”
Big deal, right? Yes, it was, because of all the things that bothered me about my cancer, it was not being able to hike that I bemoaned the most. Her farewell greeting put the biggest smile on my face because I was cleared to hit the trails once again, and she was celebrating my ability to do so.
Kindness Fridays
Being kind is taking a stand. By itself, it might not help: maybe our kindness will be ineffective. The money we sent to alleviate hunger might be unwisely used. Helping an old lady cross the road does not eliminate poverty in a faraway country. And for every plastic bottle we pick up on the beach, another ten will be tossed down tomorrow.
Never mind. We have affirmed a principle, a way of being.
Microcosm is macrocosm: Each person is the whole world.
As many mystics and visionaries have pointed out, each individual, in some subtle and mysterious way, embodies all people.
If we can bring some relief and well-being to just one person’s life, this is already a victory, a silent, humble response to the suffering and pain of the planet.
This is the starting point.
Today’s Kindness Friday comes directly from the book, The Power of Kindness – The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life, by Piero Ferrucci.
Why you should own a copy of REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO
REASON ONE: You don’t have to know someone with Alzheimer’s disease to benefit from this novel. Let’s face it, when you pick up a novel wherein cancer, murder, courtroom drama, homelessness, financial devastation, or horror are part of the storyline, you don’t put down the book because none of those issues have personally affected you. I mean, when was the last time you picked up a Steven King novel and said, “Man, this is totally irrelevant to me, I’ve never been terrorized by a car named Christine, nor have I ever attended a prom where a girl named Carrie exercised her supernatural powers to ruin the evening for most everyone in attendance.” And even though no one – as of yet – has ever lived Under the Dome, you would still be glued to the pages of that novel (not so much the TV version) to discern how it would all turn out.
When you pick up a novel, you find yourself getting involved with the characters. While you’re wondering how the book may end, you read on to find out what’s going to happen next. Or maybe your eyes are opened about matters for which you previously knew very little and then you can’t wait to see where the storyline leads you. REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO satisfies all of those curiosities.
REASON TWO: You do know someone with Alzheimer’s or other dementia – whether tangentially or intimately. You might be hesitant to read yet another technical treatise or article about the devastating effects of the condition, but you still want to learn more while being entertained at the same time. Did I say a novel about Alzheimer’s can be entertaining? Yes, and I’ll tell you why. The definition of entertainment isn’t just giggles and laughs – as Steven King’s novels clearly demonstrate. According to Merriam Webster, entertainment is also something diverting or engaging. Without a doubt readers will be engaged in the story of the Quinn family from page one when the patriarch of the family, Patrick, finds himself in a very inconvenient situation while stranded on an extraordinarily busy freeway in Seattle, Washington. And you will cheer for Patrick’s daughter, Colleen, as she struggles to redefine normalcy while craving even one minute of status quo. And believe or not, you will find humor in some of the least desirable circumstances faced by a variety of characters who are members of “Club Alzheimer’s.”
REASON THREE: You read Still Alice, by Lisa Genova – maybe you even saw the movie – and you became very sympathetic to those who have faced, are facing, and will face the ravages that Alzheimer’s disease has on families such as yours and mine. And if you were fortunate, you also read the memoir, Her Beautiful Brain, Ann Hedreen’s account of the challenges she faced raising a young family and caring for a mother who was “lost in the wilderness of an unpredictable and harrowing illness.” There is much to be gained by reading various genres on the subject, and quite frankly, not enough is being published in the fiction and memoir genres.
As of this writing, there are more than 5 million people in the United States with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, and worldwide, more than 44 million suffer with the disease. Alzheimer’s disease is not going away. The more awareness and compassion we possess, the more capable we will be of helping ourselves, and others, through this protracted disease journey.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS …
REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO a Black Rose Writing release, will be available July 20th, 2017.
Kindness Fridays
For years now, I’ve practiced the habit of celebrating even the smallest of victories that come my way. The more aware I am of something that goes right, or of something that brings joy to my life, the more celebrations I get to enjoy.
Tuesday of this week saw me hustling and bustling around town getting various errands accomplished and even though my adrenaline was at a high level, I still could use some help. While at my local grocery store I purchased a Diet Pepsi in a screw bottle and got in my car to continue the remainder of my day’s tasks.
Except I couldn’t open the Pepsi bottle. After several valiant attempts to unscrew the top, I stopped just short of shredding the skin on the inside of my hand. I’m pretty sure the bottle top machine in the factory needs to be adjusted a bit so the consumer can enjoy their beverage right away instead of having to bulk up one’s upper body before attempting access.
Next stop was to fill up my Corolla with gas; that’s when I saw my opportunity. I approached a young man in the commercial truck behind me at the pump and asked if he could please unscrew the top of my Pepsi because, “that caffeine ain’t gonna get in my body any other way.” With a smile on his face, he gladly fulfilled my request which then put a smile on my face.
Kindness doesn’t have to be earth shattering to make a difference – it can be as simple as helping a caffeine-starved person get their fix.
Kindness Fridays
Today’s installment combines two passions of mine: kindness and hiking.
Since my husband’s retirement in April of 2016, we’ve managed to hike every week except during the winter months. Now with the snow a distant memory on most of the Pacific Northwest trails, we’re well into this year’s hiking season.
On Tuesday of this week, we headed out to Barclay Lake located in the lower Stevens Pass area of western Washington. This was a new hike for me and one perfectly suited for a sprained right foot, mine, needing a bit of coddling while on its healing journey. The hike was just under 5 miles and only had an elevation gain of 500 feet.
About two miles into our hike and a half mile from the lake, a couple in their late 60s were making their descent and as I always do for every hiker we meet on the trail, I greeted the man and woman which then encouraged them to pause and spend some time with us. This couple hiked 30 times last year – to our 18 times – which seriously encouraged me to continue our hiking activities during the winter season, albeit on trails at lower elevations to avoid snow encounters along the way. The kindness extended was the mutual sharing of favorite hiking destinations: for us, it was Margaret Lake, for them, Bowen Bay.
The excitement from each couple describing their particular trail favorite created a commonality of experience that went beyond any differences we may harbor within ourselves, be they political, religious, life experience, or otherwise. The four of us agreed that being out in nature and accomplishing our individual hiking goals contributed greatly to our quality of life.
On the trail, differences in beliefs or political leanings simply don’t come into play. And that, my friends, is a glorious way to experience kindness.
The Alzheimer’s caregiver: NOT a fictional character
REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO, to be released July 2017, contains fictional characters right out of yours and my reality. If your life hasn’t been impacted by caregiving for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, you are at least tangentially connected to someone who has been.
- A parent’s senior moments transform into hair-raising episodes of wandering and getting lost at all hours of the day and night during varied seasonal temperatures that may very well threaten their lives.
- The husband who was Mr. Fixit for all home repairs, big and small, no longer knows how to use a screwdriver, and becomes combative when challenged.
- A sister’s successful writing career is derailed when she can no longer write coherently or understand the written word.
- The middle-aged next door neighbor pounds on your front door demanding entry to his home and threatens to call the authorities if you don’t immediately vacate the premises.
Variations of these scenarios abound, and within those story-like confines exist the caregivers who have been thrust into a role for which they were not prepared, derailing their status quo – their normalcy – beyond recognition. These same caregivers had very full lives before their days became what has become the caregiver’s 36-Hour Day. Any down time they enjoyed prior to stepping into their ill-fitting caregiver shoes has been filled with doctors’ appointments, loved one-sitting, and putting out fires. Carefully crafted family and retirement plans are no longer feasible because life as the caregiver once knew it no longer exists.
REQUIEM will give readers an intimate look at a caregiver’s day-to-day reality while also endeavoring to provide hope for what lies ahead. To be sure, there are no happy endings, but promises of resolution and lightness spring forth in the least likely of places and during some of the most awkward of times. Whether you are a caregiver, a former caregiver, or know someone who is, REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO will become a most cherished and often-read bookshelf addition.
Lighten up Mondays
Time for a play on words on food.
- What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish? (soy = “I am”)
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
- A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t drink here!” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a Fun-gi!”
- I entered what I ate today in my new smartphone fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
- Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
- I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
- Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Me: “I’ve always been very passionate about not starving to death.”
- People are a lot less judgy when you say you ate an avocado salad instead of a bowl of guacamole.
- Subway is the healthiest fast-food out there because they make you get out of the car to get it.
- On a first date: It probably looks like I’m listening to your story, but I’m really thinking, “Close your menu or the waiter will never come over!”
I hope your week gives you something to laugh about at least once a day.
Wearing It
I like Nancy’s take on labels. In this instance, labels seem to be a darn good thing. Thanks, Nancy, for this fresh insight.
Last night, just as we were falling asleep, my husband drowsily remembered a conversation he had earlier in the day.
“Oh,” he murmured, “I talked to that guy from the committee.”
“Which guy?” I asked.
“You know… That guy… He wears a limp.”
My husband was only semi-conscious and that probably explains his weird phrasing.
But I kind of liked it.
The man wears a limp.
A limp as something you wear.
Think about the control that gives the man over his limp.
He owns that limp. It doesn’t own him.
It makes me want to think about other conditions that we experience as something we wear. How differently we might consider our issues, problems – our very bodies – if they are just Something We Wear.
We could wear our health:
“She wears some arthritis in her fingers.”
“She’s wearing her third pregnancy.”
“She wears a stroke on…
View original post 111 more words
Kindness Fridays
My sister, Mary Riesche, has gone out of her way to follow all of my social media posts – including those relating to my upcoming book publication, Requiem for the Status Quo, which will be published by Black Rose Writing the third week of July.
You might be saying, “Yeah, who cares? What would you expect of a family member – and besides, social media is so easy to follow!”
My sister, an artist in her own right, is one of the most creative people I know. Her entire life has been spent developing her craft and that dedication has paid off with gallery showings in California wherein she earned various juried awards.
But my beautiful sister isn’t a computer-oriented person. This is not news to anyone who knows her, and it’s not news to Mary. But she has gone out of her way to support my publication efforts by boosting my posts and bragging about me to others through those boosts. Mary never goes onto an actual desktop or laptop computer, she only uses her smartphone, and most of her “writing” is via voice control, not typing.
It means so much to me that my sister extends the love she has for me through her social media kindness – regardless of how cumbersome it sometimes is for her. Her acts of kindness warm my heart and make me feel like a valid, almost-published author.
It’s a darn good feeling. Thank you, Mary.
See also: Mary Riesche: artist and sister extraordinaire, Art worth viewing: spotlight on Mary Riesche
Kindness Fridays
Is it possible to receive kindness from nature? Yes, it certainly is.
Earlier this week I was headed to my twice a year dental appointment and to be honest with you, my mood at the time was extraordinarily melancholic. Maybe you’re familiar with that feeling?
If you’ve ever experienced periods in your life when your body complains a bit louder than usual and everything you try to accomplish feels like a major undertaking, then I’m talking to the right crowd.
That was my state as I stepped out of my vehicle and made my way through the parking lot to the dental office’s front door. I was limping – one reason for my crummy mood – and paying close attention to each step I took so I didn’t add insult to injury by further harming my right sprained foot.
As I turned the corner and stepped onto the sidewalk, I looked up. It was a good thing I did because a natural kindness was extended to me of magnificent proportions, a kindness that instantly elicited a smile resultant from the beauty that it offered.
A cluster of red Azaleas dragged me out of my funk.
And that, my friends, is this week’s Kindness account, brought to you by nature.
Life happens
We all have a strong preference that life should be easy, comfortable, and pain-free, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with life when it isn’t those things. It’s just life and it’s not how you would prefer it to be, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it. – Constance Waverly, WaverlyRadio podcast #132
I imagine we all would prefer to live a life of health, happiness, and success (however success may be defined but certainly not limited to financial prosperity). With those three preferences met, life would be a carefree and joyful experience. Given the complexities of life, however, we are guaranteed a certain degree of physical pain, emotional heartache, want, and for some, absolute devastation.
Even an innocent newborn baby immediately discovers that his existence on this earth is anything but 100% delightful. He can’t define what that means when he’s a minute old, but he certainly feels it.
We tend to wonder why good things “always” seem to happen to bad people – an inaccurate thought, nevertheless it’s one that we entertain from time to time – but those of us who endeavor to do no harm aren’t blessed with easy, comfortable, and pain-free lives.
I don’t have the answer to that question but I do have an answer: our assumptions about others are just make believe because we have no way of knowing what is actually going on in their lives. A person’s outward show of perfection, boundless happiness, and ease is just that: their outward public mask that very well may hide an entirely different one worn in private. Let’s face it, no one can be ecstatically happy and fulfilled 365 days of the year – or even 24 hours a day, or dare I say, a mere 60 seconds at a time – so why is it that we assume others have mastered that very impossibility?
Part of what I’ve learned in my sixty-plus years is that what matters most is how we live in the present, regardless of whether or not that present pleases us. Living in the moment, accepting that moment as our life’s current state of being without pushing back against it can be far more fruitful and enjoyable than the alternative: anger, complaints, and hatred. For example, Ariel and Shya Kane, in their book Practical Enlightenment, point out very clearly that getting angry does nothing toward changing ones current situation. Case in point: you’re running late for work in disastrous traffic. You pound the steering wheel, honk your horn, and yell at the other commuters and what do you know? Your situation hasn’t changed but you’ve become your own worst enemy because your previous misery has been considerably compounded by your fruitless actions.
- Traffic doesn’t happen to us, it just happens.
- A rent increase wasn’t directed at us personally, it was simply a business decision made by the landlord.
- Long lines in the grocery store didn’t occur to inconvenience us; quite simply, like us, other people decided to shop at the same time.
- Coming down with the flu a day after a person arrives in Hawaii for the vacation of a lifetime wasn’t preventable; germs are everywhere and will do their thing at any time and any place. Even though it sucks that the germs manifested themselves just as the vacationer was heading to the beach, please know he’s not being punished for trying to have a good time.
All the wishing in the world won’t change our current reality because anything we could have done in the past is over and done with. Anything we could possibly do in the future hasn’t yet happened, so we should give it up and just be where and when we are right now.
Piero Ferrucci had this to say about the illusion of being in control when his preferences weren’t met during a vital point in his life:
The outside world did not adapt to me: More simply and practically, it is I who must adapt to what is happening moment to moment. The Power of Kindness.
Club Alzheimer’s
No one wants to be a member of a club characterized by a disease that robs a person of their cognitive function and is always fatal. Unfortunately, as of this writing, 5 million Americans (many more million in other countries) are living with Alzheimer’s disease or other dementias. Here are a few more facts extracted from the most current Facts and Figures document published by the Alzheimer’s Association:
- In 2016, 15 million Americans provided unpaid care for people with Alzheimer’s or other dementias;
- That equates to 18.2 billion hours of care valued at $230 billion;
- 1 in 3 adults dies with Alzheimer’s or other dementia;
- It kills more than breast cancer and prostate cancer combined;
- Since the year 2000, deaths from heart disease have decreased by 14% while deaths from Alzheimer’s disease have increased by 89%;
- Every 66 seconds, a person develops the disease.
My novel, REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO, (Black Rose Writing publication, July 2017) spotlights one family’s experience in particular – the Quinn family – while also visiting other households affected by Alzheimer’s or other dementias.
- Eddie and Katherine, a couple in their 40s. Katherine has a combination Alzheimer’s/Lewy Body dementia, a type of dementia that causes somewhat violent behavior and speech;
- Frank and his son, Sean, the latter of whom suffers from a traumatic brain injury (TBI) incurred while on deployment in Afghanistan;
- Victoria and George, a couple in their 80s, trying to crawl through the maze of George’s Alzheimer’s disease;
- Rose and Sophia, sisters in their 50s, struggling with the effects of Sophia’s vascular dementia;
- Donna and Kelly, partners in their 60s, experiencing the devastating effects of Kelly’s Parkinson’s disease and the dementia associated with her disease.
These are characters like you and I. They were living their lives the best they knew how, being good people and doing good for others, yet Alzheimer’s still managed to grab them by the throat and refused to let go.
The storyline is a difficult one but the way in which I have portrayed all of these precious people will touch your heart, and at times, your funny bone. No, there’s nothing humorous about the disease, but people will be people, and when they’re confronted with the impossible, they can find – or create – a bright side onto which they can find redemption and community.
I look forward to introducing you to my characters. Just a few more months before they’ll become a part of your life.
Kindness Fridays
This past Wednesday I rode the bus into downtown Seattle to have lunch with my daughter, Erin. Two blocks from my bus stop in a very congested road construction area, someone pulled the stop cord, and I guess because of the traffic, the driver let the passengers off a half block early. This was a very unusual action on the bus driver’s part. Every bus commuter knows the only time a driver picks up or drops off passengers is in the designated bus stop. I’ve witnessed people trying to catch a bus, flagging down the bus in an undesignated area, and that driver will keep on going. Even if the driver is stopped at a red light he or she will not open the door for the person flagging down the bus. RULES ARE RULES.
So back to my bus commute. At the OFFICIAL bus stop stood a woman to board our bus. The driver opened the door and grumbled, “I already stopped back there! Now you’re holding everyone up.” She was walking to the OFFICIAL stop so missed seeing the premature stop that occurred behind her.
She was in the right by standing at the real stop but she was verbally penalized.
Kindness was in order but it wasn’t extended. The bus driver messed up the law-abiding woman’s day by yelling at her and collateral damage landed on me which took the form of my mood being deflated. But then the woman returned the driver’s discourtesy with kindness. She said, “Have a nice day, sir.”
When we have the opportunity to express ourselves in such a way as to harm someone, but choose instead to bless someone with our words, the grand order of the universe is altered so that peace displaces disharmony.
The female passenger’s words made my day, thus cancelling out the grumpy driver’s ill-chosen ones.
Have a nice day everyone.
Kindness Fridays
Have world events impacted you in such a way that you feel things are hopeless?
Are you overwhelmed to the point that you say to yourself, What could I possibly do to make a difference?
The answer is:
You can make a difference because kindness trumps all.
I recently wrote Ellen Degeneres to thank her for her ongoing efforts to spread kindness. Sure, at the end of each of her daily shows she says, Be kind to one another, but she puts force behind those words in what she does for others. At the conclusion of my letter to her, I said the following:
We’re not charged with changing the entire world, but we can have an impact on the miniscule portion of the world to which we have access. You’re doing it, and I will continue to do what I can from my corner of the world. If everyone makes a fraction of a difference right from where they are, those fractions will add up to great things.
I’m glad I’m on the same kindness train as you, Ellen, and I’ll keep chugging along until I can’t chug any longer.
I sincerely believe that random acts or words of kindness can make a difference in the world in which we live. There are so many negative and hurtful words being thrust into our universe, can’t we just please try to balance out that hurt with words of encouragement, recognition, and nourishment?
Yes, nourishment. In all our daily interactions – be they via social media or in person – we can nurture the hurt that exists all around us. Our words, our smile, our actions may just change the life of someone forever. Haven’t you been on the receiving end of that type of transformative nourishment? Didn’t it feel good? Didn’t it fill the emptiness within you that hungered and thirsted for confirmation that you matter, that you aren’t a failure, that you have potential?
Let’s revisit how that felt and commit to quenching the thirst of each person with whom we come in contact.
Being connected in a fragmented world
Much has been said about how impersonal – or even cruel – social media can be. That certainly is the case many times over, but social media can also be a way in which to stay connected with those you care about but with whom you are not able to get together as frequently as you would like.
That is the case for me.
I currently have 60 Facebook (FB) friends, most of whom are those who are close friends and family members. I’ve never felt I needed to post ginormous numbers of friends in order to be a valid Facebook user; I’ve just always been thrilled to be able to follow the lives of those with whom I have a history.
When I first opened my FB account I sent friend requests to everyone I could find on the site. One of those was my daughter, Erin, who indicated that she preferred to keep her FB life separate from her mother/daughter life. I totally got that – and still do – so Erin and I aren’t FB friends but we communicate so much, we always know what’s the latest and greatest in each of our lives.
It’s just this year that my FB family has been enlarged; I’m reaching out to my nieces and nephews and other fabulous family members who – when I first started on FB – were quite a bit younger than they are now. And joy of all joys, they’re reaching out to me! Quite frankly, I figured why would the younger set care about what this geezer-in-the-making is doing with herself? Turns out, they do care, and it’s been glorious, and I certainly care about what they’re doing. The added benefit is that when we do get together, I’ll be far better acquainted with them because we’ve stayed connected on an ongoing basis.
Connecting with others – having contact with them – tears down walls that need not exist. I’ll leave you with a quote from The Power of Kindness about what lack of connection can result in:
We can also do the opposite: build walls, as well as find ourselves in front of others’ walls, and decide that this is an easier, more practical way to live . . . Distance may be safer. But our lives are poorer without the nourishment that these people can give – nourishment in the form of stimuli, different points of view, fresh emotions.
The incapacity of being in touch with others can become a tragedy of solitude. We become our own prisoners.
No thank you.
Kindness Fridays
Have you ever been on the receiving end of encouragement? Of course you have. Referring again to my daily-read book, The Power of Kindness, by Piero Ferucci, he calls that type of kindness”
“a warming help: attention and a kind word in a difficult moment.”
My across the street neighbor, Eva, is an enthusiastic, lively person – kind of like me if I do say so myself. We get along quite well. Unfortunately, we don’t get together often enough because life gets in the way. Yep, the intricacies of life even get in the way of spending time with decidedly beautiful people.
When Eva and I get together we operate on the same wavelength: we love people more than we hate people, we get excited about similar things, and we lift each other up just by sharing our energy with each other. And when one of us is down or blahness seems to have taken over our personal orbit, time spent with each other erases a good portion of that blahness. I’m close to twenty years older than Eva, but that doesn’t matter in the least. When we’re together, we’re Besties, and we’re the same age. Period.
Without fail, each and every time we leave each other – whether at the conclusion of a neighborhood walk or a lunch date – Eva throws me kisses. Saying goodbye until next time isn’t good enough for my neighbor, instead, she gives me something that lasts and also makes me feel good about the time I’ve spent with her. Just thinking about those thrown kisses are a warming help that is sometimes needed during my day. Quite frankly, just writing about it has already improved my day exponentially.
My neighbor Eva: a delightful gift of kindness.
Gawd, I love her.
April Fools’ memory
The girls get out of bed – anger seething below the surface of their drowsy bedheads – cross their arms, and they yell, “That’s not fair!”
Patrick agrees, April Fools’ Day is no reason to have a day off from school . . . then he claps his hands together, and barely stifling a laugh, he says, “Gotcha!”
That exact scene happened to my sister and I – thus the reason why I had to include it in my novel. My father had the keenest sense of humor – a funny bone that stayed with him even while the plaques and tangles in his brain leeched the very life out of him. As a family, we were very fortunate that his humor survived until the very end. That is not always the case, as readers will discover when they meet the other characters in my novel whose disease journey is far from cool, calm, and collected.
REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO, release date: July 20 2017.
Black Rose Writing, publisher.
Kindness Fridays
Last Friday I mentioned a book that I read daily, Live your dash. Another book I read on a daily basis is The Power of Kindness, The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life, by Piero Ferrucci, I’m actually on my second read-through of this encouraging book.
I think we can all agree that what makes the headline news is rarely the pleasant things that occur around us. Horror sells newspapers.
Mr. Ferrucci says the following regarding that unfortunate truth:
There may be murder, there may be violence, and there may be selfishness, but most human beings at heart are helpful and supportive. Cruelty makes the headlines precisely because it is the exception.
But the world goes on because we care for one another . . .
And yet life goes on precisely because we are kind to one another. No newspaper tomorrow will tell of a mother who read a bedtime story to her child, or a father who prepared breakfast for his children, of someone who listened with attention, of a friend who cheered us up, of a stranger who helped us carry a suitcase.
Think of how long our world has been in existence and consider all the mayhem that has played out as described in history books and in front of our very eyes.
Yet, the world goes on.
Kindness and caring have sufficiently sustained us through wars, terrorism, pestilence, and other natural disasters.
It seems appropriate, therefore, that we should feed kindness so its supply never runs out.
Perhaps some day cruelty will run out of steam and die a natural death.
I mean, a person’s gotta hope … right?
Kindness Fridays
I own a book – kind of a devotional, but not religious – that I read each morning, Live Your Dash, by Linda Ellis. The subtitle is Make Every Moment Matter. Ms. Ellis’s book encourages readers to live well in the time between the dash that exists between the day we were born and the day we die. Today’s Kindness post directly quotes an excerpt from her book that I thought was relevant to the subject at hand.
Your name, as spoken, and as remembered, represents more than your reputation. Through the years, it becomes an embodiment of the ways in which you have lived your dash, and touched others’ lives.
Live your life in such a manner that when you imagine your name being spoken in your absence, there will never be a desire (or need) to be present to defend it.
Words in italics provided by this blog author.
Living: the ultimate team sport 