It doesn’t get much worse than the video attached above. Two suspicious deaths are the focus of this episode of the Seniors for Sale series. The two cases discussed in this video occurred at the same Adult Family Home (AFH), Houghton Lakeview, located in a very swank area of Kirkland, Washington. It goes without saying that this Adult Family Home was shut down.
The Seal of Washington, Washington’s state seal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Family members whose loved ones died at the hands of these caregivers speak out about how the abuse was discovered, and how the State of Washington did, or did not, effectively respond.
One of the family members whose father died at the hands of the caregiver/owner of the Adult Family Home poignantly stated:
It’s unfathomable to realize that we were paying these people to abuse our loved one!
Conviction results (attached) of one of the suspicious deaths was reported by the same Pulitzer Prize winner, Michael Berens, who wrote the series, Seniors for Sale.
What Needs to be Done? is the subject matter of Part 3 of Seniors for Sale. In this episode, the viewer is encouraged to do research about a facility, Adult Family Home or otherwise, prior to considering a move to that senior housing alternative. In my article, “Avoiding the pitfalls of selecting Senior Housing,” I provide helpful resources that everyone can use in order to find out:
if any complaints have been filed against a particular home;
if the State issued any citations, and the nature of those citations;
if the Long-Term Care Ombudsman office received particular complaints and the nature of those complaints.
The Seal of Washington, Washington’s state seal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
No one has to go into this housing search blind. Please view the very brief video provided in Part 3 of this Pulitzer Prize winning series by Michael Berens of the Seattle Times, then click on the attached article that I’ve provided for your assistance. Although the links I provided relate to resources in the State of Washington, similar resources exist nation-wide. Check with your State Ombudsman office or Department of Health and Social Services for your State’s equivalent.
My local newspaper ran an investigative report about the Adult Family Home (AFH) industry in Washington State. Depending upon where you live, a similar assisted living home may be called a Group Home.
The Seal of Washington, Washington’s state seal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In Washington State, no more than 6 residents can live in an Adult Family Home. These “businesses” popped up all over Washington State over the past several years as entrepreneurs realized how much money they could make taking in residents and charging thousands for rent and resident care. At this writing, there are close to 2,900 AFHs in the state. Since 2010, 446 of those were cited for violations of health or safety standards. Caveat: there are many Adult Family Homes that are doing an extraordinary job, but it’s the bad ones that make the Headlines and that’s the way it should be.
June is Elder Abuse Awareness Month. I thought it appropriate to provide Michael Berens’ series, “Seniors for Sale” in six parts this week, but I provide it with a warning that this Pulitzer Prize winning expose can be very difficult to read, and watch. Nevertheless, awareness is key, so I hope all will benefit from his extensive work on this piece. Whether you live in the United States, Singapore, the United Kingdom, or elsewhere globally, abuse occurs world-wide and it’s the vulnerable adults in this world who are its targets.
Seniors for Sale – I provide this link to Part 1 of the series – “Ann.”
I know that all of us want to see an end to Alzheimer’s disease. Many of you have Alzheimer’s or other dementia, and even more of you are helping to take care of your loved ones.
Rarely has there been an opportunity to provide input in such an international forum. This survey can be completed around the world. It is not just intended for one country. The primary topic of the attached survey revolves around the stigma attached to dementia. You will be asked questions about how your loved one is treated, how you are treated as the caregiver for your loved one, etc. Your responses are entirely anonymous. You will not be asked to provide your name, nor a physical address, nor your e-mail address.
I hope you’ll consider filling out the online survey. It was VERY quick, so you need not spend a lot of time on the survey.
In an earlier article,“Retirement planning – its not what you think,”I talked about the planning required to have a quality of life after retiring from one’s job that relies on spending your time in a way that pleases you, and benefits others.
My closest friend, Sophia (not her real name), is in her 80th year of life and for the seven years that I’ve known her, Sophia has struggled with boredom, but not just boredom per se. Sophia wants to matter; she wants to make a difference; she wants to contribute to the world around her. In a recent e-mail to me, Sophia said:
“There are too many active Seniors roaming around the coffee shops and Malls wondering what to do next. Even my friend Walter, at age 97, felt a sense of accomplishment yesterday when he washed all the bed linens and remade the queen bed – this done using his walker, back and forth.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Sophia epitomizes the bored retiree that I discuss in my article, “Voices of the bored retirees.” We often think that when we retire we’ll be satisfied with being able to golf whenever we want; sleep in as long as we want; work in the garden whenever we like, and read all the books we’ve stacked up, but not had the time, to read. My father was one of those retirees who longed for the opportunity to be on the golf course as often as he wanted. A month post-retirement, he was bored with it all.
Another quote from my friend Sophia: “I really believe that much that we call Alzheimer’s is just a simple lack of interest in remembering what no longer matters. There is definitely a veiled space that occurs now and then when it is either too painful to remember, or not worth it to try. This, in addition to physical pain and boredom, can reach a kind of black hole.”
I know my friend very well, so I know that she doesn’t support that type of Alzheimer’s reasoning, but what she said really resonated with me. Too often we focus too much on what doesn’t matter, and far too little on what can matter greatly in our remaining years. Gerontologist S. Barkin believes that we have a responsibility to actively walk through our retirement (or Baby Boomer) years:
“What do we want to do for the remaining time in our life? We all should be mining our experiences and the wisdom therein to help with our present, and our future paths.”
Most of us, even when we’re enjoying the relaxation we so richly deserve in our retirement, truly strive to create a new purpose for our life. We want a reason to get up in the morning. We strive to contribute to the community around us.
Does the retirement age need to be raised in order for that to occur? Or can we be just as effective, and less bored, by cultivating a lasting purpose after we’ve entered the long sought-after retirement phase of our lives?
This article from a fellow blogger who happens to live in Singapore is very timely in that it discusses how a caregiver might sort out their thoughts when caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia.
I really enjoy this blogger’s way of writing about her journey – she’s a caregiver for her mother.
The attached article reflects the sentiments of Bob DeMarco, a son who took care of his mother Dotty for over 8 years during a difficult Alzheimer’s journey. He rarely complained – which is stellar, but not required – and now a few weeks after her death, he’s falling back on the memories and finding joy amidst the grief.
An insurance agent from a large, widely-known insurance company recently told me that 50% of all applicants for long-term care (LTC) insurance are rejected. Boy, with those statistics, it’s hardly worth pursuing, knowing that the hurt of rejection might be in your future.
John Matthews, Caring.com senior editor and attorney gives all of us a reality check:
“No one has a ‘right’ to buy long-term care insurance. That results in insurance companies refusing to sell policies to people they think are likely to collect on the policies soon, or who might collect for a long time. If an insurance company thinks the odds are that it might not make money on you, it won’t sell you a policy.”
WOW – that’s encouraging isn’t it?
While doing research for this article, I found the information provided by insurance brokers about LTC insurance to be very enlightening. Apparently many LTC insurance companies will accept you as an insured if you have had open-heart surgery, but will balk at covering someone who has arthritis. Why you may ask? I was told it is because the insured with heart issues will die before needing benefits whereas the person with arthritis will most likely become disabled and therefore cost the insurance company too much money in benefits payout.
Wow – that’s depressing, and somewhat maudlin, isn’t it?
I stand by my earlier article, Long Term Care Insurance Scares Me. Insurers are trying to sell a product for which so few are eligible. I thought I was scared before. Now that I’ve done my research, I’m petrified!
Please share your experiences trying to obtain LTC insurance. Whether you were accepted or rejected – we want to know. If you were rejected and appealed the insurance company’s decision – we REALLY want to hear about it.
Moving Mom and Dad – Leaving Home is an article from the June/July 2012 AARP Magazine. Statistics on aging are astounding, and scary. “By 2020 some 6.6 million Americans will be age 85 or older.” That’s an increase of 4.3 million from the year 2000. Time to celebrate – right? We’re living longer – and in some cases – thriving in our older age. The reality of the situation, however, is that eventually we’ll need some sort of assistance with our activities of daily living (ADLs) that might require a move to a care facility of some sort.
The stories presented in the attached article describe family instances where emergent circumstances warranted an emergent decision to move a parent into some sort of care facility. The best case scenario, as this AARP article suggests is that you, “dig the well before you’re thirsty.” Nice sentiment – but not always possible.
I have written numerous articles for my blog that address the difficulties the caregiver, and the one needing care, go through when making the decision to choose a long-term care (LTC) facility for a loved one. Below are links to each of those articles. I hope they prove beneficial to you.
How in the world did I get lost driving to the supermarket – a route I drive at least once a week!
My words are getting all jumbled up and my sentences aren’t making sense.
What’s happening to me?
Are you one of the many people who started to take a medication to resolve a condition, or at least to make it better, only to end up with distressing – and life-changing – mild cognitive impairment?
How long did it take for you and your doctor to realize that this horrific change of condition was caused by a medication that was added to your health regimen?
What types of expensive, and grueling, tests did you go through prior to coming to that conclusion? Did any of you go through neurological testing?
And how long did it take for you to feel “normal” again once you took your doctor’s advice to either go off the medication or replace it with a medication that did not cause cognitive decline?
I am personally aware of several people who experienced cognitive decline after taking the Pfizer drug, Lyrica (pregabalin). This drug was originally intended for treatment of neuropathic pain and as an anti-seizure medication, but was approved for treatment of fibromyalgia in 2007. Additionally, cholesterol-lowering statin medications oftentimes cause the same cognitive outcomes. And with the Pfizer drug Lyrica, increased depression – even suicide or newly diagnosed depression – were directly linked to this drug.
As Baby Boomers, we’re entering a phase where, depending upon what ails us, we start adding prescription medications to our health regimen in an attempt to have a high degree of health and well-being.
We need to be completely aware of how a medication may affect us, but it’s unfortunate that most of our awareness is dependent upon the Patient Information Sheet provided by the pharmaceutical companies. These information sheets are sketchy, at best, and carry only half-truths, at worse.
Do you have similar experiences you can share? We’d like to hear from you because awareness, and education, will help us all.
Putting together an extended vacation to a tropical paradise? EXHILARATING!
Figuring out how to help mom and dad with their increasing care needs? UNEXPECTED!
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A recent National Public Radio (NPR) Story: Preparing for a Future that includes Aging Parents addresses the unexpected, and the unplanned for. Whether because we’re kidding ourselves or we really believe it, we oftentimes can’t imagine our parents as anything but the energetic, robust, independent mom and dad with whom we grew up. And if we don’t live near them, we’re falsely sheltered in our assumption that mom and dad are doing just fine; at least they were the last time we saw them during the Holidays! If we’re honest with ourselves, however, we’ll admit that our infrequent visits with the parents shock us greatly as we notice a bit of feebleness in their manner, because as the above story states, “time does what it does.”
Surprisingly, only 13% of some 4,000 U.S. workers surveyed for the 2011 Aflac WorkForces Report considered that the need for long-term care would affect their household. We love to live blissfully ignorant, don’t we? We have so many of our own stresses and pressures associated with running our family household, we’re just not going to entertain having to be on-point with our parents’ needs as well. Guilty!
Taking a walk with my Dad.
I became a long-distance caregiver in the Seattle, Washington area for my father who lived in an all-inclusive facility called a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) in Southern Oregon. The first eight years he lived there were worry free because my father was one of those robust parents who was on the path towards living to a ripe old age. He did live to a ripe old age, dying at the age of 89, but from the age of 84 until his death, Alzheimer’s invaded our family’s peaceful existence, and I found that even as a long-distance caregiver, I was on-point 24/7.
Caveat: my parents had purchased long-term care (LTC) insurance so none of us three offspring were financially responsible for my father’s care. But anyone who has been a caregiver for a loved one knows that care isn’t always equated to monetary expenditure. In my case, the constant need to travel to Southern Oregon to monitor his care and be the designated (self-designated) sibling best equipped to coordinate his care with the facility’s staff, lead to my decision to temporarily leave my career, which was, coincidentally, one in the long-term care housing industry. By the way – the answer was not to move him up to the Seattle area. His financial investment in this CCRC up to that point rendered that an untenable option.
Even though I absolutely relished this opportunity to give back to my father – and I truly did – it was very difficult on my household and me. My health temporarily suffered. Everything I did revolved around being available for my father and hopping on a plane at a moment’s notice. I lived in a five year period of dreading the ringing of my home phone or mobile phone because it most likely meant that something needed tending. And getting home and finding NO voicemails in our phone system was cause for celebration.
But enough about me.
Are you prepared for the eventuality of attending to your parents’ care or are you already on that journey?
Or maybe you are already caring for a spouse with medical or cognitive needs. How are you managing that difficult task?
Let us hear from you. Not talking about it won’t make it go away. It’s time to face the piper and be as prepared as we can for the inevitable.
The article posted here is well worth the read. It is very comprehensive and reveals the nitty gritty of the decisions that are so important, and too often emergent, as we and/or our family members age.
When my husband and I set up our living wills/advance health care directives a few years ago, we did so as a living gift to each other. The attached article reflects that sentiment as well. With all of the details spelled out in advance, the surviving loved one is not thrust into an emergent decision that by its very nature holds one of the biggest responsibilities we can carry on our shoulders. To be sure, an advanced health care directive doesn’t take away all of the end-of-life challenges that occur but it does allow the surviving family members to feel at ease as they respect their loved one’s wishes that were expressly made known well in advance of the need for implementation.
Having these discussions with loved ones can be uncomfortable for some, but if framed in the guise of being a living gift to those left behind, the discussions take on a whole new meaning and can’t help but come out in a positive light.
Caregiving is not for wimps as is evident in a recent CNN article, “Caring for loved ones the ‘new normal’ for boomers.” This article highlights the challenges that former “Good Morning America” host, Joan Lunden, faced when helping her mother transition into a long-term care (LTC) housing facility. Even with all the resources at her fingertips, it took three LTC housing moves before Ms. Lunden found the one best-suited for her 88-year-old mother.
Where will your search for senior housing land you?
My article, “Selecting a Senior housing community – easy for some, not for the rest of us,” addresses the challenges inherent with even beginning ones search for senior housing. Just like everything that is new to our experience, there are an entirely new set of vocabulary terms associated with long-term care housing so it helps to understand those terms prior to starting off on your journey.
Additionally, the article “Avoiding the pitfalls of selecting senior housing” addresses the ways in which you can discern whether or not the housing community you’re considering has had any run-ins with licensing, the Department of Social Services, and the like. You will be pleased to know how easy it is to check up on the facilities you’re considering just by making a few phonecalls or perusing websites that provide vital information to consumers about incidents that might have been investigated at the facilities. No one needs to go into this task blindfolded and uninformed. The better informed you are, the better the chance of success in choosing the most appropriate senior residential situation for you or your loved one.
What has been your experience as someone looking for long-term care housing options? Certainly all of us can benefit from the experiences of others just like yourself so I hope to hear from you in the form of blog comments soon!
Do you find peace within the circle of your family; or does meditation or prayer, an inspirational book, or music fill your soul? Wherever the source – how do you keep that peace from slipping away?
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Certainly when we’re exposed to sorrowful or earth-shattering news, any semblance of peace and calm seem to disappear, such as: acts of terrorism – both domestic and abroad; heartless school shootings; bigotry and hatred; and even devastating illness. How many times has your armor been pierced by such circumstances?
Too many to count. So how do we find peace amongst the chaos?
We can find peace in many small ways – probably the easiest way to do so is to acknowledge the beauty that surrounds us. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a creationist or an evolutionist, the beauty you see is the same. It’s always refreshing when I walk through my local plant nursery, Molbaks, to see the intricacies of flowers and their natural, yet seemingly unrealistic, colors. How did that happen? How can so much detail just happen and we had nothing to do with it? I relish the peace I feel when roaming the rows and rows of flowers and I capture that moment and take it home with me.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
And the colors of sunrises and sunsets – what a joy to behold! Even though my house is located in such a way as to not be able to directly see the sun’s rising and setting, I still have the privilege of seeing its aftereffects in the pink and ruby colors of the sky. My mother’s favorite color was pink, so when the sky is beautifully colored in that tint, I credit my mother for this natural artwork, somehow executed from her heavenly resting place.
Celebrating even the smallest of victories in one’s life. Time and again I remind myself to acknowledge the small goodnesses and victories in my life. I learned this practice shortly after having a fairly major orthopedic surgery several years ago. The recovery and rehabilitation were lengthy so I had to take comfort in even the smallest signs of improvement so that discouragement didn’t creep in to rob me of the positive steps I had made towards recovery.
So too is it important to pay attention to all the emotional windfalls that come our way. A huge lottery windfall – such as recently happened (December 2013) in California and Georgia – isn’t the type of emotional windfall I’m talking about. We can experience far more authentic emotions that are not tied to money or things. Someone greets me with a smile or has a word of encouragement that I absolutely needed at that moment? That feeds my soul. I greet someone else with a smile and a hug? Even better – now I’m paying it forward! It’s been said many times before that the richest and longest lasting gifts are those that don’t cost a cent. As trite as it may sound, it’s still absolutely true.
Where or how does one find peace when hit with a wall of hurt – whatever that hurt may look like? In my experience, I have to force myself to look away from the hurt/pain/stress/negativity in order to clearly see some peaceful element, regardless of how small, that will convince me that all is not lost, because I still have this, whatever “this” may be. When we consciously turn away from the wall of hurt, we then have the ability to find some element of peace, somewhere, in our purview. That doesn’t mean that we ignore what is required to resolve the hurt that came our way, but we make a conscious decision to redirect our focus elsewhere so that all the focus isn’t on the hurtful things that have come our way.
Dona Nobis Pacem. I really like this blog entry entitled, Dona Nobis Pacem, from a blog written by Kathy that focuses on her quest to find peace after the death of her mom to pancreatic cancer. To be sure – finding peace is a journey, it’s not just a decision one makes – and Kathy’s article addresses the work required to attain peace. But initially she had to make a decision to simply start on that peace-finding journey, and doing so, she’s nearing her quest. I hope you will visit Kathy’s site and take the time to also watch the video she attached that highlights the song Dona Nobis Pacem – Give Us Peace.
I came across a quote the other day from Marie Mountain Clark, one of an elite group of women who completed U.S. Air Force pilot training in the 1930’s. Ms. Clark died in 2008 at the age of 93.
“It is natural for a person to seek happiness in life; however, I believe that this desirable aim is never achieved if one attempts to find it directly. Instead, happiness is found indirectly as a by-product from devoted service to the lives of others.”
Thank you, Marie, for words by which to live.
Whether you’re in your 20’s, 50’s, or 80’s, life is too short. We absolutely have no guarantee of the next minute, month, or year. Why occupy what time we have, regardless of how long it might end up being, with tasks that provide no assistive value to others? Does this mean that we all quit our jobs and start a life that rivals Mother Teresa of Calcutta? Not by any means. What it does mean, however, is that in the hours that we’ve been given, let’s make as many of those count. A very wise man once said, “Do all that you can, in all the places you can, in all the ways that you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, for as long as you can.” – John Wesley
Define your passion; follow your heart; and make a difference in someone’s life. If your eyes and ears are open, you’ll know what that is.
Well I’ve learned that it’s easier to know which direction you should go if you’re already in motion.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The world may have been created in a week, or zillions of weeks; either way, a lot of energy went into that creation and the world-in-process was not a stagnant one.
Trial and error. I constantly look for ways to improve myself and increase my effect upon the community around me. If I’m not contributing to a cause – regardless of how big or small – I figure, “Why bother?” But if I wait around for some sort of change to occur, I’m going about it in the wrong way and believe me, I’ve experienced enough trial and error to write a book on the subject. The trial and error approach works, however, if a person becomes well-informed and doesn’t take financial or personal risks that they can’t afford. After all, sometimes we need to discover what doesn’t work for us in order to find out what does work for us.
Living or playing to your strengths. My Baby Boomer direction was greatly influenced by Marcus Buckingham, one of the world’s authorities on employee productivity. (By the way, his DVD series Trombone Player Wanted, is worth looking into.) He suggests that to make your greatest contribution, it’s best to play to your strengths most of the time. I have taken to heart Mr. Buckingham’s strong caution against veering off ones strengths path. After all, when I’m creating a new me, why would I choose to do the lame-o, same-o with all its inherent dissatisfaction? That’s like doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That sure hasn’t worked for me. In addition to playing to my strengths, I also play to my passions. As a Baby Boomer creating my life’s next chapter, it makes sense to deliberately avoid activities that drag me down and weaken me and run to those activities for which I am most impassioned and inspired.
Find your niche and go for it. I know what I like to do and what I’m good at so I try to consciously remain open to opportunities that directly relate to those strengths. I thoroughly enjoy working with an older population of adults but I know what part of that experience I’m able to do, and what I’m not able to do. For example, I know my limits on “clinical atmosphere” so any involvement with older adults excludes my participation in a nursing home or hospital environment. But throw me in the midst of adults living in assisted living or dementia residential settings and I will make new friends of everyone with whom I come in contact. Add to that my enjoyment and effectiveness as a public speaker, I look for every opportunity in which to use those abilities. As a Certified Long-Term Care (LTC) Ombudsman, I have the privilege of meeting with and advocating for residents in LTC settings. Additionally, I provide resident rights presentations at those facilities and at non-facility venues such as senior centers and city forums. It’s the best of both worlds for me – interaction with my target audience and feeding my passion for public speaking.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Recognizing an open door when you see one. On a recent Oprah’s Next Chapter episode, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Lady Gaga and at one point asked the singer how she came up with new song or album ideas. This is the gist of what Lady Gaga said: she imagines herself in a hallway, there are doors all along the hallway but she knows there’s another door coming up further down the hallway that is more appropriate but it’s not readily visible. Through trial and error she eventually finds the correct door/song inspiration. How does she know that’s the door through which she is to walk? When the door finally opens, the light floods in, she is able to block out all distracting noises, and her wishes and thoughts rise to the surface as a basis for her next song/album creation. I’ve opened some wrong doors in my life as a result of incorrectly thinking that just because a door opens, that means I’m supposed to walk through it. Again, trial and error comes into play and discernment takes a front row seat.
Not every door that opens is going to be the correct one. When I’m in exploratory mode, I have to be very careful not to walk through the first door of opportunity that comes my way – regardless of how enticing. When I make this mistake, I quickly discover that I’ve committed myself to the wrong project and have had to withdraw myself shortly thereafter. I didn’t look before I leaped – not a safe, or advisable practice to be sure. It’s worth me taking the time to weigh my options; write a list of Pros and Cons; ask trusted individuals for their input; and then make an informed decision. If it’s right for me, it’ll wait for me. If this new opportunity allows me to play to my strengths and my passions, everyone benefits and there are few, if any, casualties along the way.
What does the next chapter of your life look like? How are you going about writing that chapter? I’d love to hear from you because I’m pretty sure I have quite a few more chapters of my own to write.
Today I experienced the inevitable straw that broke the camel’s back regarding poor customer service that inspired me to write this article which, I warn you, will be full of complaints and negative energy.
I’ll start off with the incident that inspired the diatribe you’re about to read:
The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Memphis, Tennessee. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Grocery check-out lines. Purchased my weekly dose of grocery items today – a mere $225 worth. From the start of the transaction to its bitter end, the checker didn’t utter one word. No baggers were in sight so I started to bag my own groceries, even though there were two employees standing five feet from me at the self-checkout area with nothing to do other than to watch this Baby Boomer bag her own groceries. (Bagging groceries by employees is still a common practice at most supermarkets in Washington State, including this one.) The transaction ended with the checker putting a couple remaining items into a bag, handing the receipt to me, logging off his register, and walking away. Mind you, all my grocery bags still remained on the checkstand counter, leaving me no option but to personally place them in my grocery cart. I feel a letter to the manager forming in my brain – not the first letter I’ve written to grocery store managers.
I don't know why THIS guy is so happy! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Assembly line doctor visits. I’m convinced that doctors are required to meet a certain patient quota per day – at least my doctor is. The last few times I’ve visited her, she’s rushed me through the visit, even going so far as to do the following: 1) using a hand gesture to hurry me up – picture her hand going in horizontal circles in front of her while I’m trying to explain my reason for the visit; and 2) two weeks after major spine surgery this same doctor expressing her impatience by saying, “Hurry Irene, this appointment needs to end!” Sorry to have messed up your day, doc! How callous of me for talking to you about my horrific and painful surgery experience!
A surgeon’s god-complex. I just have to mention the aforementioned surgery experience. A neurosurgeon operated on me a year ago to perform an anterior cervical spine disc replacement and vertebral fusion: a four hour surgery, one night in ICU, a full year of recovery. At my two-month post-surgery appointment with this god-surgeon, I explained how difficult it had been going through such a drastic surgical experience. His comment, and I quote, “It wasn’t that drastic of a surgery.” Ahem. My comment, and I quote, “It may have been the 5000th cervical spine surgery you’ve attended but it was my first!” Imagine him minimizing my surgery, thereby dismissing my discomfort and recovery experience?! Grrrrrr.
Before my blood pressure rises to unsafe levels – which would take a lot because my normal BP is 96/65 – I’ll stop right here to let you vent about YOUR frustrating lack-of-customer-service experiences.
You’ve worked your entire life; you’ve lined up your retirement leisure activities; you’re ready to start the first day of the rest of your life, but instead you start a new job: caregiver to your sibling, spouse, parent, or other family member.
Or perhaps you retired early to take on your caregiver job because there was no way you could do it all: continue your full-time job while moonlighting as your loved one’s caregiver. It doesn’t work or it only works until the caregiver runs out of steam. One way or another, your retirement years sure don’t resemble what you envisioned.
The CNN article, As baby boomers retire, a focus on caregivers, paints a frightening picture but one that is painfully accurate. The highlighted caregiver, Felicia Hudson, said she takes comfort in the following sentiment:
Circumstances do not cause anger, nervousness, worry or depression; it is how we handle situations that allow these adverse moods.
I agree with the above sentiment to a very small degree because let’s face it, the nitty-gritty of a caregiver’s life is filled with anger-inducing depressive circumstances about which I don’t think caregivers should beat themselves up trying to handle with a happy face and a positive attitude. It just doesn’t work that well in the long-term. It’s a well-known fact, and one that is always talked about by the Alzheimer’s Association, that caregivers don’t take care of themselves because they don’t know how, or don’t have the support, to stop trying to do all of their life’s jobs by themselves.
“I’m obligated because my parents took great care of me, and now it’s time for me to take care of them.”
or
“For better or worse means taking care of my spouse, even though she’s getting the better of me, and I’m getting worse and worse.”
The problem with the above sentiments is that oftentimes the adult child or spouse start to resent the person for whom they are providing care. It’s like going to a job you hate but being held to an unbreakable employment contract; your employer is a loved one with a life-altering or terminal illness; and you’re not getting paid. “Taking care of a loved one in need is reward enough.” No, it’s not.
I’m not bitter, I’m simply realistic. Caregiving is one of the most difficult jobs any of us will hold and we can’t do it all by ourselves. My blog article, Caregiving: The Ultimate Team Sport, encourages each person in a family caregiving situation to create a team of co-caregivers to more effectively get the job done. And please take a look at the other articles found in that same category of Caregiving. I hope you will find encouragement in those articles – some based on my own experience, and some from other caregivers’ shared experiences – especially when a positive attitude and a happy face just isn’t working for you.
I found myself walking with horse blinders on my head at a grocery store the other day. I was on a mission – picking up a few items and moving on to the next errand on my list.
Image via Wikipedia
As I passed a woman in a wheelchair, I thought I might have heard her say something but I moved on a couple steps until she repeated herself: “Excuse me, could you help me?” I then turned around to find that she couldn’t reach the half gallon of milk that she needed because it was on a shelf 8 feet off the ground. Unless someone helped her she would have to cross milk off her shopping list. My 6 feet of deaf human self easily grabbed the milk off the shelf. I only wish I had been tuned in to someone other than ME so I had responded immediately instead of being asked twice.
Was I a BAD person for not responding quicker? No – but I sure wasn’t watching my neighbor’s back.
Seattle actor, Brian Sutherland was watching his neighbor’s back as told in the Seattle Times article, “A bad guy on the screen becomes a real-life hero.” This 27-year old man saw a suspected purse snatcher steal a 69-year old woman’s purse and chased him down – managing to retrieve part of her purse’s contents and return them to her. But that’s not all! Once he returned the items to the woman he decided to go after the thief!!! Read the linked article I’ve provided and you’ll think Brian was doing some stunts in a movie in which he might have acted: leaping over fences, darting through alleyways – he was amazing!!!
I’m not saying that the average Joe, or Jill, should attempt what he did but what I am saying is that we should have the same commitment to others as Brian has. Brian is quoted as saying, “We need to be watching each other’s backs and standing up for each other. There’s no good reason why somebody who’s lived to 60 or 70 should be jacked on the street in broad daylight. Our society should just not work that way.”
I agree Brian. And there’s no good reason why someone in a wheelchair should have to ask for help twice. I blew it the other day because my selfishness initially made me deaf and blind to a woman who simply needed a half gallon of milk.
insurance, n. A thing providing protection against a possible eventuality. Concise Oxford English Dictionary, 11th Edition; 2004.
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Auto insurance, home or renters insurance, and health insurance – we understand these policies and know that more likely than not the need for the aforementioned insurance policies will rear its ugly head in the near or distant future so we pay the premium for said policies, hoping we won’t need it, but sleeping better at night because we have it.
Why is purchasing long-term care insurance such a difficult step to take for me and my husband?
Unquestionably, it’s expensive;
Fearfully, companies who offer this product are going out of business left and right and may leave us holding an empty bag;
Definitely, it’s a real difficult type of policy to understand; but
Undeniably, the financial need for it can outweigh the cost of purchasing it.
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My husband and I have still not made an effort to look into it further. Here are my two reasons based on family experience – both of which tend to contradict each other:
My father’s long-term care insurance policy. My father had a long-term care insurance policy for which he paid premiums for at least 20 years – no small amount of money to be sure. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at the age of 84 and died five years later. His care needs at the retirement facility in which he had lived for 13 years didn’t meet the insurance reimbursement threshold until his final month of life. As with most policies, the insurance holder’s care needs must meet a defined level of care before the insurance company kicks in their assisted living care reimbursement payments. When that happens, the insurance holder no longer pays any more premiums. Twenty years of paying premiums for one month of reimbursement benefit.
My sister-in-law’s long-term care policy. My brother and sister-in-law purchased their long-term care insurance policies when they were in their late fifties. Less than a year later my sister-in-law was diagnosed with early-onset dementia and approximately two years later drew benefits from her policy. A couple of years of paying premiums for what will be years of reimbursement benefit. If that isn’t the good news/bad news of long-term care insurance I don’t know what is!
I have no excuse. I know the devastating costs of long-term care because in my past professional life I worked for a senior housing provider and they represented the Champagne & Chandelier variety of assisted living. But even the generic assisted living providers charge high rental rates and as ones’ care needs increase, so do the care fees. This isn’t avoidance behavior on my part and I’m not squeamish about the subject of health and ones’ eventual death. I’m just finding it hard to take this leap into signing up for insurance, even though it holds the assurance of fending off the potential of total personal financial collapse without it.
How are you Baby Boomers dealing with this subject? If you finally bit the bullet and purchased a policy – how did you finally take that leap of faith?
I AM NOT LOOKING TO BE BOMBARDED BY SELLERS OF INSURANCE AS A RESULT OF THIS BLOG ARTICLE SO PLEASE DON’T GO THERE. But I welcome other constructive feedback for those of us on the brink of making this difficult decision.
I’ve found the Alzheimer’s Reading Room to be very helpful in my efforts to continually improve my understanding of Alzheimer’s and other dementia. The good news? Subscribing to the Reading Room is free! I hope all benefit from this attached article about dementia in the 21st century.
By the time you read this article, I hope you’ve already read the reblogged article I posted entitled “Up Your Gratitude,” published in a Parade Magazine article earlier this year. That article was part of the inspiration for this article and can be found in this same Blog category.
I recently watched an Oprah Network special wherein Oprah visits families of Hasidic Jews. One of the families had NEVER seen a television show in their lives and didn’t even know who Oprah was until her staff approached the family about this project of interviewing a Hasidic Jewish family. This family consisted of the husband and wife and 9 children, the oldest of which was 17 years old and the youngest, 18 months. If you can believe what the 17 year old son said – and I think I do – he has absolutely never watched TV and is an extremely happy teenager. The couple’s 15 year old daughter loves not having the normal pressures associated with young teen girls. “There’s no pressure” she explained.
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None of the children had ever heard of the names that Oprah tossed into their conversation: from cartoon characters such as Micky Mouse and Sponge Bob Squarepants, to Beyonce and other well-known entertainers. Nope, they had no idea what or who she was talking about. Considering they had never heard of Oprah, that’s not at all surprising.
And yet they were extremely happy and grateful people.
THIS ARTICLE IS NOT ABOUT RELIGION – it’s about the lack of wanting more,wanting better, and wanting bigger as it relates to consumerism. Each person Oprah interviewed talked about the lack of pressure in their life to want, want, and want even more. As a matter of fact, the wife in this family of 9 children, who is pregnant with her 10th child, said the only time she had a feeling of wanting more was when she was able to upgrade to a better wig when her earnings increased. (At a certain age, Hasidic women must cover their hair as a gesture of modesty, be it a scarf or a wig.) So when this woman was able to get a better wig she experienced an “Aha” moment – getting a better, more natural looking wig satisfied a want for something more that she hadn’t ever experienced. Gratitude abounded in this household that most definitely doesn’t resemble our idea of a “normal” frantic-ridden, electronic guided, household.
Time to check my own gratitude level – and level of personal satisfaction. When you receive not-so-good service at an establishment, do you trash its character to others so that they are aware of the establishment’s failings and will curtail their support of its business? It’s easy to complain about something isn’t it? It’s harder – but better – to compliment someone who does a great job:
Writing a note to the manager of a salon you frequent, complimenting the stylist who always does such a great job on your haircut and/or color. It’s not enough that you tell the stylist how satisfied you are. Tell the one who signs his paychecks and sets his schedule – that’s where the thank you also needs to go so that your favorite stylist receives something for his/her efforts.
Going out of your way to thank someone in person, or by thank you note, for their volunteerism at church or other community venue;
Calling or writing a note, not texting, not e-mailing, when you’re grateful for something you received as a gift;
When your coworker does a great job, or your child does something in the home without being asked, or when you are simply grateful for the commitment your spouse has to his or her job that assures constant financial support in the home – acknowledge their efforts instead of simply appreciating them in your own mind.
Who benefits from appreciative thoughts if they are not expressed to the person who inspired them? Gratitude expressed provides more benefit than you can imagine. Don’t you want to start a ripple effect of gratitude in your small corner of the universe? Get that ripple going – you’ll be better off as a result, and everyone to whom that ripple touches will benefit as well.
The attached article, published on January 1, 2012 in the Sunday newspaper’s Parade Magazine section, had a great impact on me; so much so that I wrote my own blog article today, about the effects of gratitude on one’s life. I hope you enjoy both articles.
This VERY comprehensive article is designed for a person’s elderly parents but guess what…us Baby Boomers need to be aware of these resources as well so I want to pass this article along to you! It helped me – I hope it’s a great resource for you as well.
Two executives in expensive suits stopped off at a small country bar. As the bartender served them, he heard a muffled “beep! beep!” sound and watched as one of the men calmly removed a pen from his inside coat pocket and began carrying on a conversation. When he was done talking, the exec noticed the bartender and the other customers giving him puzzled looks. “I was just answering a call on my state-of-the-art cellular pen,” he explained.
A short while later, another odd tone was heard. This time the second executive picked up his fancy hat, fiddled with the lining and started talking into it. After a few moments he put the hat back on the bar. “That was just a call on my state-of-the-art cellular hat,” he said matter-of-factly.
A few stools down, one of the locals suddenly let out a loud burp. “Quick!” he exclaimed. “Anybody got a piece of paper? I have a fax comin’ in!”
“I’m trying to decide what to do with the rest of my life.”
“I’m a frustrated fish out of water since retiring two years ago.”
“I’m desperate to find something to fill my time!”
Woman in her 80’s: “What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? I feel helpless and hopeless without worthwhile connections.”
Are you living past the sunset in your life?
I attended a class four and a half years ago comprised of people in their 50’s through their 80’s. This class was designed to make our Senior years count. I just now stumbled on notes that I took in that class wherein each class member was asked to make a comment about their current state in life. The above four comments are just some of those statements.
Desperation and sadness all around me. I recall now that the mood of this class was one of desperation and sadness as those who yearned for retirement their whole working life found themselves frantically trying to fill their days. Their feelings were summed up in these words:
depressed
lack of purpose
short-sightedness
emptiness
loss of self
Gerontologist, S. Barkin puts it this way regarding our responsibility to be actively walking through our senior years, and I paraphrase,
What do we want to do for the time remaining in our life? We all should be mining our experiences and the wisdom therein to help with our present and future paths.
As I mentioned in my article, Retirement planning: it’s not what you think, all of us have a history of life skills that should not be put up on a shelf and never used again. Instead we should be retooling those skills into something that is meaningful and enjoyable to us and beneficial to others. The students in my class had many thoughts – mostly unfocused and therefore not very productive – but those thoughts had yet to turn into action.
The first step is to decide what is significant to you and act on it.
Aging well starts with the mind but it’s in the doing that makes it count. We all have a choice when we find ourselves at a loss of purpose: we can stay stuck, or we can actively make a difference in the local community around us. Baby Boomers are the first generation of peoples to have such a long life span. We’re living longer so we have more time to pass our knowledge down to others and use our skills in a valuable way. As the sports company Nike says in one of their ad campaigns: JUST DO IT!
Or perhaps you retired early to take on your caregiver job because there was no way you could do it all: continue your full-time job while moonlighting as your loved one’s caregiver. It doesn’t work or it only works until the caregiver runs out of steam. One way or another, your retirement years sure don’t resemble what you envisioned.
Living: the ultimate team sport 