Fun and Games
Lighten up Mondays
NFL pre-season football began this past weekend. For those of you who are addicted to the sport – or at least your city’s NFL team – this one’s for you.
A Carolina Panthers fan, a San Francisco 49ers fan, a Seattle Seahawks fan, and a New England Patriots fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Panthers fan insists he is the most loyal. ‘This is for the Panthers!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the 49ers fan shouts, ‘This is for the 49ers!” and throws himself off the mountain.
The Seahawks fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, ‘This is for everyone!” and pushes the Patriots fan off the mountain.
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/footballjokes.html
Lighten up Mondays
The trouble with retirement is you never get a day off!
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”. “It’s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
*****
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
*****
An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. “You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.” The old gal raised her right hand. “Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?” The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but. . .will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”
*****
“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.
*****
And finally:
What is so special about the retirement age? “It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one’s job.”
Lighten up Mondays
We all could use some humor during this amazing – and by amazing, I mean crazy – race for president. So here you go – there’s something for everyone in these entries:
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”
*****
A politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them. “Is he still talking?” they asked him. “Yes.” another man answered. “What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know. He’s still introducing himself.”
*****
Recently a former Republican mayor of a Pennsylvania town recounted some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for re-election; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
So my readers, how about this week we hope that the candidates for President of the United States give us something to feel good about.
Lighten up Mondays
I don’t camp but I do lots of hiking in the Pacific Northwest. Here are some humorous outdoor tips for you campers out there:
- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant;
- Get even with a bear who raids your food supply by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the bugs;
- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup;
- The guitar of the noisy camper at the next site makes excellent kindling;
- It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home;
- I bet you’re wondering, where do forest rangers go to get away from it all;
- Camping defined: paying a bunch of money to pretend you’re homeless;
and finally and appropriate this election season…
- A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
Lighten up Mondays
Writing is no laughing matter – take it from me – but these jokes about writing had me doing just that:
There once was a young man who in his youth professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
*****
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the hew Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure seeing a hall named after Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “It’s named for Joshua Hemingway, no relation.”
“Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, too?”
“Yes, indeed,” said the guide, “He wrote a check.”
*****
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first.
As she descended into the fiery pits, she saw rows and rows of writers chained to their desks in a sweatshop; the writers were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer, “Let me see heaven now.”
As she ascended into heaven she saw the exact same scene as was in hell: writers chained to their desks and being whipped by thorny lashes.
“This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh, no, it’s not,” said an unseen voice, “Here your work gets published.”
Lighten up Mondays
An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club.
He went to the club for the first time to play but was told there wasn’t anyone with whom he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes because I’ve been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of the sand traps.”
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.
Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole. Birdie, match, and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”
The old man said, “I do, can ya give me a hand?”
Lighten up Mondays
Many school districts around the country are wrapping up the school year. Here are a couple scholarly jokes to celebrate:
A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school.
After his first term there, the son brings home his report card and reveals that he’s getting “A”s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?”
“You know”, the son explains, “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!”
********
A college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for the old man’s generation to understand his.
“You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?”
Lighten up Mondays
Snow is far from everyones’ minds in the month of June (temps are predicted to be 96 degrees at my home as I write this post) but I think we’ll all appreciate this snowy humor anyway:
Jimmy and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.
“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.”
Jimmy said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.
The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.”
Again Jimmy replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they’re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Jimmy didn’t get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”
Lena replied, “Aw, Jimmy, just leave the car in the damned garage today.”
Lighten up Mondays
On May 26th, Thursday of this week, it’s National Sorry Day in Australia. There certainly should be such an occasion in the US, and other countries as well because God knows we all have made mistakes for which we’ve been sorry. So here goes, a joke in honor of our blunders.
A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
When the sender of the flowers found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said. “Madam, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location”.
Lighten up Mondays
Armed Services Day is Saturday, May 21st, so I’ve decided to grace you with some military-based humor.
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
The captain sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply, “change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
Lighten up Mondays
Reaching the end of a job interview the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Lighten up Mondays
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big-shot New York lawyer and has a better education than a sheriff from West Virginia.
The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?”
The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” says the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between a slow down and a stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.”
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff then says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”
Lighten up Mondays
This week is retirement week in my household (husband retires Thursday the 28th) so it’s only fitting that this week’s funny celebrates the working class where we’ve all been most of our lives.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. – Groucho Marx
A consultant is a man who knows 157 ways to make love but doesn’t know any women. – Anonymous
Reheating leftover fish in the office microwave should be a fireable offense. – Anonymous
Guys with neck tattoos love asking, “Are ya’ll hirin’?” – Rock @The MichaelRock
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. – Lily Tomlin
Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I’m being held. – Randy Glasbergen
And finally …
It’s true that hard work never killed anybody but I figure, why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan
Lighten up Mondays
Okay, these three very brief jokes might make you groan rather than laugh, but I’m providing them for you anyway:
I was walking along the ocean – that’s generally where you’ll find the beach – looking for ashtrays in their wild state.
*****
I have a large seashell collection. It’s so large, I keep it on beaches all over the world.
*****
Adam to Eve: “Hey! I wear the plants in this family!”
Thanks for putting up with my lameness. I hope your week is far better than my jokes!
Lighten up Mondays
A dose of spring fever:
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.
When they arrived at the school some time after lunch period, they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire on the way to school.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today.” But then she said, “Take seats apart from one another and get out a piece of paper and a pencil.”
Still smiling, she waited for the boys to sit down, then she said,
“First question, which tire was flat?”
Lighten up Mondays
This Thursday is St. Patrick’s Day so I thought I’d post a bit of Irish humor to start the week.
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World, drinking beer and conversing with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits beside him.
He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish?
Yes I am.
The first man yells barkeep, give us another round and one for my friend here. He’s from the mother country as well.
The second man asks, so where in the old country ye from?
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say, so am I, and the second man hollers barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here.
Afterwards, the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I’ll be, so am I, and yells, barkeep, another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks how’s business. The barkeep responds, not too bad, the O’Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
Lighten up Mondays
Since tomorrow is International Women’s Day, I’ve decided to post a couple jokes that poke fun at the opposite sex.
A woman’s husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
“How can that be? You told me he had 20 grand a few days before he died. How could you possibly be broke?”
“Well, the funeral cost $6,500, and of course I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
“$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”
“Three carats.”
The next one’s a real doozy … Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
Why leap years? The reason for this extra day is because most calendars are based on the assumption that there are 365 days in a year, when in fact, there are actually 365 and one-quarter days. To keep our modern Gregorian calendar in sync with the tropical calendar, every four years we add an extra day to February. Although the chances of a leap birthday are one in 1,461, imagine waiting four years for your real birthday and hearing endless jokes about being three when you’re really 12.
So what does this mean to those born on February 29th?
- Having people respond with “that sucks” when you tell them your birth date;
- And being asked if it’s like the movie Leap Year;
- Which it’s not, so you inevitably have to explain how it actually works;
- And even after explaining that it is once every four years, they still want to guess how old you are;
- Which is inevitably always wrong;
- So you correct them and put up with their jokes about being SUPER young;
- And for some reason, people think you’re lying when you tell them you were born on leap year;
- So you have to show them your ID;
- And then they make another remark about how you don’t look your leap year age;
- During non-leap years, people always want to remind you that it’s not your real birthday;
- So you end up with less presents;
- And most of the milestone birthdays, like 18 and 21, don’t fall on leap years;
- So you have to go to the bar on March 1st, even though you’ve been celebrating February 28 as your birthday most of your life;
- Which is only one day, but it’s a frustration that nobody else understands.
Lighten up Mondays
Presidents’ Day was last Monday, but today is George Washington’s birthday so I’m sticking with the presidential theme with the following:
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees the President whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter, Mr. President?” the Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!”
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said 3 to 5 years but I did it in a month.”
And here’s another joke:
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their Maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, “Tell what is important about yourself.” Al responded that he felt the earth was of the ultimate importance and that it was crucial to protect the earth’s ecological system.
God looked to Al and said, “I like the way you think, come sit at my left hand.”
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God said, “I like the way you think, come sit at my right hand.”
God then turned to Bill Gates who was staring at him indignantly. God asked, “What is your problem, Mr. Gates?”
Bill Gates responded, “I think you’re sitting in my chair!”
Lighten up Mondays
When Will Rogers was being taken to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge, Vice President Dawes cautioned him not to try to be funny because the President had no sense of humor whatsoever.
Undaunted, Rogers bet the Vice-President that he could have Coolidge laughing within 20 seconds.
When the formal introduction was made, Dawes began by saying, “Mr. President, may I introduce my friend, Mr. Will Rogers.”
Rogers held out his hand and with a questioning look said, “Pardon me, I didn’t quite get the name.”
Coolidge roared with laughter; Rogers won the wager.
Lighten up Mondays
Two Generals of the Napoleonic era were watching a battle from a nearby bluff. Suddenly a stray bullet struck one of them in the shoulder. Without a moment’s pause, the General turned to his aide and said, “Fetch me my red jacket.”
As the aide rushed to comply, the wounded General turned to the other General and explained that he didn’t want the men to be demoralized by knowing he was wounded, thus the reason for the red jacket.
The other General was clearly impressed. At that very moment, a cannonball shrieked between the two men, the wind from its passing, rocking them both back on their heels.
After a moment, the second General turned to his aide and commanded, “Fetch me my brown trousers, will you?”
Lighten up Mondays
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door and drove to the office.
At 11 o’clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and there at her front door was a floral delivery employee; in his hand was a box containing twelve red roses.
At 2 o’clock, there was another knock at the door, this time a UPS driver delivered a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates.
Eventually, the husband returned home, tired after a hard day’s work. His wife greeted him with a great big hug and kiss and said,
“First the flowers, then the chocolates, I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”
Lighten up Mondays
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up — one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service…I don’t know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals…I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued.. , “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came four hours later…
“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”
GOD BLESS THE IRISH!
Lighten up Mondays
I came across this bit of writing humor involving a college teacher and her student. As soon as I read it, however, I thought it could also apply to an agent or editor reading a writer’s unedited, clearly not ready for publication, manuscript.
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will.
Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper, you submitted a hostage situation.
Lighten up Mondays
For me, 2016 signals the start of massive editing of my second novel’s manuscript. Here are some jokes on the writing craft that might amuse you as they did me.
If writers were good business people, they’d have too much sense to be writers. – Irvin S. Cobb
If Moses were alive today he’d come down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments and spend the next five years trying to get them published. – Anonymous
Learn to write. Never mind the damn statistics. If you like statistics, become a CPA. – Jim Murray
Writing is so difficult, I often feel that writers, having had their hell on earth, will escape all punishment thereafter. – Jessamyn West
I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself – Mark Twain
The world is a hellish place and bad writing is destroying the quality of our suffering. – Tom Waits
The only time I’ll get good reviews is if I kill myself. – Edward Albee
And last but certainly not least:
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. – Christopher Hampton
Lighten up Mondays
Happy 2016 everyone! I’m starting off the first Monday of this new year by introducing the new logo for this weekly injection of humor.
Some of you live in the colder regions of the world, some of you don’t, but all of you will appreciate these quips that follow the line:
It was so cold that …
- Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.
- Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker.
- Richard Simmons started wearing pants.
- UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii.
- Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
- Rats were bribing alley cats for a snuggle.
- Dogs were wearing cats.
- Squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at the electric fence.
- Words froze in the air: if you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire.
- We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up.
- When we milked the cows, we got ice cream; when we milked the brown cows, we got chocolate ice cream.
Happy 2016 to one and all. And remember, stop taking yourself so seriously … no one else does.
Lighten up Mondays
Last 2015 humor submission: quotes associated with New Years.
Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. – Unknown
Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. – Oprah Winfrey
Now is the time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. – Mark Twain
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. – Oscar Wilde
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve.
Old age is when you’re forced to. – Bill VaughnAnd finally:
A dog’s New Year’s resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand. – Unknown
Lighten up Mondays
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house in front of a small fire.
Suddenly there was a flash of light and the old woman’s good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her, “Don’t be afraid, I am your good fairy. You are very poor and all alone at Christmas so I have come to grant you three wishes to cheer you up.”
The old woman was about to speak but the fairy held up her hand. “Wait! she said, “Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for and no wish can be undone.”
So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke. “First,” she said, “I want to be very, very wealthy.”
Poof! Immediately the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. Read the rest of this entry »
Lighten up Mondays
The preacher had just begun his Christmas Eve service when the electricity in the church failed.
The ushers found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.
The preacher then re-entered the pulpit, shuffled his notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice from the back called out, “I believe you were right near the end, Reverend!”
Lighten up Mondays
Just as the mother was putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, she accidentally dropped one.
“No problem,” she said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued the four-year-old.
“Don’t worry, Santa will never know.”
Her son shot a look at his mom. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”
Living: the ultimate team sport 