Sally Abrahms’ article linked above does a fantastic job of addressing some common emotions felt by the family caregiving community – those who provide free caregiving services to their loved ones. Let’s look at the three emotions she mentions and also look at the struggles many caregivers experience at their place of employment.
Grief. We grieve the loss of the person who is still with us. “When someone dies, it is an overwhelming and horrible experience, but it is the end of something,” says Suzanne Mintz, cofounder of the National Family Caregivers Association. “But with a caregiver, the grief is perpetual; it goes on and on and on.” Until you’ve experienced the ambiguous loss of your loved one, you can not say that you understand that particular type of grief. This ambiguous loss may result from a loved one’s dementia, debilitating disease, or other conditions that rob the patient of their physical or cognitive abilities. Ms. Mintz states that when one person receives a diagnosis, you both receive the diagnosis. You both experience the gradual loss of the life you once had and you know it won’t be coming back. That is a grief that keeps on giving because as time goes on, more and more of one’s previous abilities disappear right before your eyes.
Guilt. “I wish this would all be over so I can get my life back.” Oh my gosh, did I just say that? Many of you have felt that way and then struggled to rid yourself of the ensuing guilt. But guilt is constant – whether it manifests itself in believing that you are not doing enough for your loved one, not doing enough for your family, feeling negative towards the one receiving your care – it is constant. And it is normal. These negative feelings don’t make you a bad person. Rather, they are proof that you are a sensitive, aware and evolving being who hasn’t yet perfected the art of living.
(Photo credit: TNLNYC)
Exhaustion. Physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion sneak up on you and if not attended to early enough, they are killers. In my article, Caregiver: put on your oxygen mask first, I address the need to place yourself as more important than the person for whom you are providing care. “Gee, that’s pretty darn selfish!” Not at all. If you get what I’m talking about, you’ll agree that your loved one’s care is fully reliant on your ability to provide it. You can’t do so if you are on the brink of exhaustion, or worse, you die before your loved one, which is more common than you would like to think. You need a caregiving team. That team may consist of other family members and/or neighbors and acquaintances. You can’t do it all by yourself. If you’re a solo caregiver, check out the article, Solo Caregiving. This article provides tips on how to get the help that you need from those around you.
Discrimination. According to the recent report, Protecting Family Caregivers From Employment Discrimination, “roughly 42% of U.S. workers have provided unpaid elder care in the past five years” and that number is expected to rise to about 49% by the year 2017. With so many family caregivers out there, especially with the incidences of Alzheimer’s and other dementia on the rise, we all hope that employers will be more inclined to help their employees. But discrimination does occur in the workplace in the form of: limited schedule flexibility, denied leave or time off, and even dismissal from ones job.
The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) protects some caregivers but is an imperfect protection that is not required of employers with fewer than 50 employees. Additionally, of those employers required to adhere to FMLA guidelines, the employee must have been with their company for at least twelve months and have worked at least 1,250 hours during the previous year. With no FMLA protection, your job is at risk – especially in an economy when so many other workers would be glad to put in the hours that you’re not able to fulfill.
A word to employers. I know that it’s hard to maintain success while some employees just aren’t pulling their weight. But I think you’ll agree that some of you need to be more sensitive to the struggles experienced by your caregiver employees – employees who have never let you down prior to this difficult time in their lives. These exhausted souls can’t tread water fast enough – won’t you help them? Please do what you can to make reasonable accommodations that will lessen this temporary turn of events in your employees’ lives.
Sit down some day and take the time to write down as many experiences of loss that you can recall during your lifetime. Quite naturally, you will list times of grief resultant from a death in the family, grave illness, and the like. But there are other losses that we experience that can have just as much of an impact on our lives. The end of a marriage is one of those.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The article linked above does a great job at shining the spotlight on the loss that is experienced when a marriage ends through divorce. Even if both parties to the marriage come to a mutual decision on the matter, the parties oftentimes enter a period of mourning. Understandably they feel a certain sense of relief at the conclusion of the divorce process, but a feeling of loss becomes a very unexpected part of their lives going forward.
My thanks to this Blogger for giving couples permission to acknowledge the loss they are feeling at the dissolution of their marriage – even one for which they were both on board.
The brief article, above, is one of admonishment and encouragement. Thank you my fellow blogger in Singapore for your extraordinary insight.
I think many of us can dredge up similar instances when someone responsible for the care of our loved ones dropped the ball. In my case, I flew down from Seattle, Washington to visit my father at a hospital in Oregon where he had been admitted because of a medical condition that had became acute in light of his Alzheimer’s disease.
I entered his room and saw him sitting up in his hospital bed, frantically rubbing his back on the stack of pillows behind him. “Dad, you look really uncomfortable. What’s going on?” “I don’t know,” he said, “but my back feels hot.” One look at my father’s back was enough to raise my blood pressure, and it takes a lot to do that since my BP is usually around 100/65. My father’s back was raw with welts. What he was feeling when he said that his back was hot was extreme itching.
(Photo credit: Ralf Heß)
I summoned a nurse – no small feat since it appeared that an old person with dementia in a hospital room was not as important as the other patients on the hospital floor. The nurse told me, “Oh, he must be experiencing an allergic reaction to the solution we used for his bath in bed. It’s the type of cleanser you don’t have to rinse off.” “Well, evidently, you do have to rinse it off! Look at the welts on my father’s back. He’s in misery! You have to get this dried soapy solution off him in order to relieve the itching!”
The nurse left the room, only to return a couple minutes later with a stack of washcloths. “Here, use these.” Then she walked out.
Left to my own devices, I drenched several of the washcloths in cold water, opened the back of my father’s hospital gown and proceeded to clean off, and cool off, his back. “Dad, this is going to feel real cold but it will make you feel better.” And it did. Ministering to my father in this way was a gift. I still wasn’t happy with the hospital staff, but I began to appreciate what turned out to be one of the final personal acts of caregiving for my father.
A month later I again flew down to Oregon, but this time, the cold washcloths I applied to my father were employed to bring down his temperature as he spent the last hours of his life in his assisted living bedroom dying. My father’s cancer – inoperable at that stage of his body’s vulnerability – had placed him in a stage of unconsciousness. As the staff alleviated the discomfort of his cancer with morphine, I lowered the fever brought about by the shutting down of his body’s organs.
A month earlier, what good would have come about if I had read the riot act to the nursing staff at the hospital? None whatsoever. Instead, I can be thankful for the gift of hands-on caregiving and comfort that I was able to provide my father while he was still alert and able to express his relief at having a cool, itch-free body.
I’m sad thinking about these incidents that occurred in the Fall of 2007, but I’m also delighted with having had the opportunity to minister so personally to my extraordinary father during the last weeks of his life.
This Blogger, Richard Kenny, really has a way with words as he describes the challenges – and sometimes the joys – of his caregiving role as a son to his mother who has Alzheimer’s and to his father who struggles to be the spouse of a wife with Alzheimer’s.
Very much worth the read – and I don’t just mean this one article. Many of Richard Kenny’s observations and musings so clearly reflect his day-t0-day frustrations as well as his somewhat new found ability to adapt to every unforeseen circumstance.
Historically, it’s the adult children who move back into the parents’ home, oftentimes because of financial issues. Apparently that is no longer the sole definition of multi-generational living.
In a USA Today article, Who’s moving in? Adult kids, aging parents, Haya El Nasser writes, “(A)bout one in seven say they already have a ‘boomerang kid’ – an adult child who moves back home – or elderly parent living under their roof.”
This brings about two unexpected events:
The parents who enjoyed their empty nest and started to reestablish themselves as a couple, instead of just as parents, suddenly have an adult living with them who just happens to be the kid they gave birth to 30 years ago; or
The adult child who strove to establish his home with his spouse and their 2.5 kids suddenly have a parent living with them requiring just as much attention, if not more, than the young children they themselves brought into this world.
The USA Today article above focuses on a rising trend towards families deciding to purchase larger homes than they would have previously considered with the anticipation that it would be more economical to have other adult family members living in – and contributing to – the same household. Talk about a paradigm shift! Stephen Melman, director of economic services at the National Association of Home Builders says, “I remember when I was in college, no one wanted to be near their parents.” That thought certainly resonates with me. When I was single in my 20s and early 30s there was no such luxury of renting a place on my own and living-at-home was definitely not an option. At one time I had two roommates so all three of us shared the same bathroom, kitchen and common living space. Inconvenient and not as private as we would have liked? Certainly – but the only way to afford housing and have the ability to put away money for our future was to split costs with other like-minded adults.
A Pew Research report earlier this year showed that “the share of Americans living in multi-generational households is at its highest since the 1950s.” OMG! As a Baby Boomer who was born in 1953, I just have to repeat, “OMG!!!!!”
My focus today is on the caregiving issue – that adult children and/or Baby Boomers find themselves with the added responsibility as caregiver to a loved one. In my article Start your retirement – start your job as a family caregiver I address the caregiving aspect of Baby Boomer retirement which sometimes evolves into multi-generational living. Our quality of life definition tends to change as family caregiving is added to our lives. But it’s a fact of life for many of us and one that very few can escape. But herein lies the problem…
Most of us aren’t prepared for that eventuality. Those of us who are counting the days until retirement kid ourselves into believing that caregiving happens to others, not to us. And our adult children find it difficult to wrap their minds around that type of living scenario whilst in the midst of their hectic career development and ever-changing family dynamics.
So what happens? We find ourselves in an emergent situation that requires immediate action that may not be well-thought out because we don’t have the time to make a well-informed decision. We all know that the worse time to make a life-changing decision is in an emergency. There is a wealth of information available at our fingertips – the worldwide web is replete with helpful resources. Even this website has many articles written on the subject. As you browse through this website’s categories, be sure to enter a search term in the “Search My Site” box located at the right-hand side of each content page.
I’m not suggesting that you finalize plans that might not be implemented until many years down the road – or at all. What I am suggesting, however, is that we all become aware that a) these issues exist and could very well happen in our own lives; and b) we’re going to do what we can now to make wise decisions later.
The attached link, written by a blogger in Singapore, describes his experience as a cab driver when he picked up a woman with dementia who needed to get from Point A to Point B but who lacked the cognitive capacity to effectively do so.
Personally, I think he excelled at compassion and even though he feels he could have done more, I respect him for what he did do. We don’t want to entertain the thought of someone who might have taken advantage of this woman but there are many who would have looked at this situation as an opportunity to exploit her vulnerability.
I congratulate you, Lim James, for showing all of us that goodness exists, and it exists in your soul.
When the Mind Says Goodbye is a thoroughly touching mini-video (less than 5 minutes long with beautiful music accompaniment) chronicling a married couple’s journey as best friends in early childhood, all the way through their marriage – currently a more than 87 year-long relationship.
This couple, George and Adriana Cuevas, show us how a lack of words does not have to limit ones ability to relate to, and comfort, a loved one. I hope you will take the time to observe this loving couple as they walk through the hallways of Adriana’s memory care unit, and as they sit side-by-side with only touch and eye contact as a communicator.
It seems to work for them. How lovely that their marriage commitment lives on, even when the mind has already said goodbye.
I strongly encourage you to read the above article. Too often physicians with insufficient training on elder-health issues dismiss the early signs of Alzheimer’s or other dementia as simply being age-related developments. Doing so presents the risk of missing the small window of opportunity in which to treat cognitive issues early on, rather than when they have fully taken up residence in a patient.
Sure, there’s nothing yet that prevents or cures the disease, but being able to manage the symptoms early on certainly adds to the quality of life that both the patient, and their loved ones, seek to experience.
For those of you who have taken on the role of advocating for your loved one: when you escort your loved one with early memory loss or confusion to the doctor’s office, do not back down when he/she concludes the symptoms are to be expected due to advancing age. NO! Those symptoms could very well be indicative of disease-related dementia, OR the symptoms could be caused by medication side-effects (blood pressure medication, seizure medication and the like) or other medical conditions, such as urinary tract infection (UTI.)
It’s all about advocacy. Do you go the easy route and take the doctor’s word for it, or do you push for worthwhile diagnostics to rule out any other serious or life-changing causes?
This article, written by a fellow blogger, is beautifully descriptive and paints a clear picture – not just of the visual scene – but also of the emotions that exist in those who step into the world of their loved one with Alzheimer’s and other dementia.
The two poignant themes that resonate with me are: the development of resident boyfriend/girlfriend relationships within a memory care community; and the wonderful interaction between a great-grandson and his great-grandpa with cognitive difficulties.
I honor this blog author and her family for choosing to integrate a youngster into what could be a scary or challenging environment for a child. One of my articles, “Alzheimer’s Heartache: young family members adjusting to a grandparent or parent with dementia,” addresses the difficulties that families oftentimes experience in long-term care (LTC) settings. I can see that this family already figured out how to soften the hard edges to make the visiting experience beneficial to all.
During this highly contentious and rude political season, it’s really difficult to discern fact from fiction. Oftentimes we get caught up in the rhetoric spoken by Talking Heads and dismiss what we’re hearing based on which Talking Head is doing the talking.
For the most part, I’ve trusted what the AARP has put out regarding issues and candidates over the years so I felt fairly confident in posting this article.
If you want clarification about the following myths, please take the time to read the above link.
Myth 1: The new law cuts Medicare drastically, so I won’t be able to get quality health care;
Myth 2: I’ve heard that Medicare Advantage plans will be cut or taken away;
Myth 3: I’ll have to wait longer to see my doctor – or I won’t be able to see my doctor at all;
Myth 4: If I have Medicare, I will need to get more or different insurance;
Myth 5: The new law “raids Medicare of $716 billion”;
Myth 6: The law is going to bankrupt America;
Myth 7: The new law will drive up premiums astronomically;
Myth 8: If I can’t afford to buy health insurance, I’ll be taxed – or worse;
Myth 9: I’m a small-business owner and I’ll pay big fines if I don’t provide health insurance to my employees;
Myth 10: The Affordable Care Act (ACA) basically turns our health care system into universal health care. So now some government bureaucrat will decide how and when I get treated;
Myth 11: If my state doesn’t set up an insurance exchange, I can’t get health coverage.
For those of you who have not experienced the stresses of caregiving, or being the point-person for a loved one with dementia or other debilitating disease – please read the above-linked article. It will give you a wee taste of:
a) the toll that caregiving takes on loved ones;
b) the toll of being a spouse with someone with dementia; and
c) the extreme frustration of trying to communicate with professionals while coordinating care for your loved one.
Please read this article – it will give you a healthy respect for your coworker, neighbor, family member – who is on duty 24/7 with caregiving tasks. Whether the caregiver is performing these tasks long-distance, as was the case for me in relation to my father’s care, or performing them on-site, the task is monumental and deserves a great amount of respect and understanding.
Thanks are due to the author of this article, linked above, who provides a list of movies with an Alzheimer’s or other dementia story line. How timely, as my husband and I were discussing last night how a few of the novels we’ve read recently have an Alzheimer’s story weaved through the book.
I told my husband that this seeming anomaly is not surprising due to the pervasiveness of the disease in so many households throughout the world. In my family, my father died from Alzheimer’s complications in 2007, and my sister-in-law died at the age of 69 from mixed dementia. I know there are many of you who at the very least know of someone affected by the disease.
My oh, my – such a difficult subject to broach with a family member when you know that he should put down the car keys and let others do the driving for him. The article linked above from NBC Nightly News is a good source of tips on how to handle this very familiar problem. I address this issue in my article: Driving with dementia: the dangers of denial. Although dementia is usually one of the most talked about reasons for taking away someone’s car keys, there are other reasons that are just as important that must not be ignored:
Age-related slow reaction times;
Medications that might cause dizziness and/or slow reaction time; and
Impaired eyesight and hearing.
Not wanting to hurt a loved one’s feelings should not be the reason to avoid this subject matter. Let’s face it, your loved one’s safety and the safety of absolutely everyone else is at stake here. There are already so many dangers on the road with drivers talking or texting on their cellphones, driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, doing any number of distracting functions such as eating, personal grooming, changing a tune on your I-Pod, or being distracted by children or dogs in the back seat. Now add someone who is impaired by age or cognitive disease and the risks to others increases greatly.
If you or a loved one are facing this important and difficult step, please read the attached NBC article linked above and also take the time to look at my article, Driving with dementia: the dangers of denial that provides encouragement for how you might take care of this very important matter of safety.
b) know that she is affectionately called “The Divine Miss M.”
It’s comforting to know that us normal Baby Boomers aren’t the only ones getting older. Even world-renowned actors and singers fall victim to the passage of time. Ms. Midler turns 67-years old on December 1, 2012, and I have to say that she looks fabulous in the October/November 2012 issue of AARP Magazine! Let me provide some additional Baby Boomers that should ring a bell with you:
Tom Cruise 50-years old;
Madonna 54-years old;
Jay Leno 62-years old;
Meryl Streep 63-years old;
Cher 66-years old; and
Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty 75-years old.
In the article linked above, Ms. Midler mentions that she came to the realization that, “Life is not your personal express lane…It doesn’t all have to be about me!” She also talks about dreams, destiny and deciding what matters. I like that last point – deciding what matters – because oftentimes I find myself sweating the small stuff and you know what they say, “it’s all small stuff.”
A 2012 issue of AARP The Magazine contained an exceptional and gritty article about caregiving. The focus is primarily on the role a spouse plays in taking care of a dying spouse – in this case, a wife with ovarian cancer – but the caregiver may also be attending to an ailing spouse or parent with a debilitating disease such as Alzheimer’s or other dementia.
In the article linked above, Bill Newcott discusses how he hunkered down and tried to fix what ailed his wife. The first paragraph of the article will grab you:
It’s the one vow that can really come back and bite you in the butt: “…in sickness and in health.” On your wedding day the phrase conjures up visions of tiptoeing into a sun-drenched bedroom with lunch on a tray for your wife…What you don’t expect it to mean is crouching in the harsh fluorescent glare of a hospital treatment room and holding her head to yours, trying not to faint as a technician inserts a large needle between her ribs to suction two liters of fluid from her lungs.”
The role of a caregiver is one that not many will be able to avoid. Currently across America 43.5 million people are caring for a loved one who is 50 years or older. I’ve done it. My brother’s done it. Chances are, you’re doing it too.
AARP Caregiving Resource Center is a magnificent tool for all of you who are involved in caregiving. If you’re sitting there saying you don’t have time to check out this caregiving resource, you need it more than you can imagine.
Please start taking care of yourself and check out the resources that have been developed just for you.
This is a well-written piece from my local newspaper, the Seattle Times. There’s a similar article in a recent Newsweek issue entitled American Women Have It Wrong or “Why women should stop trying to be perfect” that discusses the struggle in which many of us women find ourselves – regardless of the generation – thinking we can do it all, trying to do so, and paying the price.
Both articles are worth the read and at the very least will provide great dinner-table conversation opportunities.
In my opinion, the article linked above paints a clear picture of what the 47 percent might encompass. As with any situation for which we have little understanding or exposure, it’s healthy to see what the flesh and blood of the situation equates to – put a face on it.
Making a generalization that those who don’t pay federal taxes are taking unfair advantage of government handouts seems so inaccurate – I guess that’s what generalizations are: inaccurate attempts (oversimplifications) to state something about which we have no understanding. Just about everyone with whom I associate has gone through difficult times – financial and otherwise – at some time in their lives. Not everyone stays hungry and without the means to get by – as if they would choose to remain that way year after year after year.
The above article introduces us to
a 76-year old woman who works but is not able to pay her electricity bill;
a well-dressed man with a Master’s degree in engineering who needs help with his rent who was very embarrassed to ask for help; and
a woman battling cancer and diabetes at risk of losing a leg.
These individuals are not second-class citizens just because they’re going through a rough patch in life. I don’t consider myself a bad person because in the mid-1980’s I was laid off from my job as a program director at a cable TV company and had to collect unemployment insurance while looking for a replacement job. That time was temporary – as many trying times in life are.
Does this mean that everyone in need of a handout represents the “better angels of our culture?” No, there will always be those who try to bilk the system – heck, the big bankers and financiers did that very recently – and arguably, still are – and they certainly weren’t dining at the downtown food kitchen or struggling to pay their utility bills. We might categorize them as second-class citizens because of their greediness, but I dare say they look vastly different from those portrayed so cavalierly in the political arena during this current election season.
The above video is amazingly dramatic and not just because it’s so well done and the music is so compelling. It’s dramatic because it speaks of facts about Alzheimer’s and other dementia that are hard to wrap your mind around.
Here’s one fact I’ll provide, and then I encourage you to watch this two minute video to increase your awareness of this insidious disease.
The Fact: there are 15 million caregivers currently living in America. If caregivers were the only residents in one of the states in the United States, they would completely populate the state of Illinois – the 5th largest state in the country.
Awareness is key – pass this link on to others so that greater attention is placed on this disease that is the ONLY cause of death among the top 10 causes of death in America without a way to prevent, cure, or even slow its progression.
I didn’t think I would write about this personal experience, but today I realized that in order to fully heal, I need to express myself.
So here I go.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Five months ago, I made a well-thought out and measured decision to leave the religion of my birth. Let me make this perfectly clear: I left a religious organization. My faith is still intact.
I was quite active in the local-area church of that religion: I was a scripture reader; I trained other scripture readers; I started a volunteer chore ministry that served the members of that local church as well as the geographic community in which that church is located; and I contributed financially to both the local-area church and the “Mother” church.
The catalyst for my leaving the religion of my birth was the “Mother” church’s decision to encourage all local churches of that religion in Washington state to hold a political petition signing at each church service on a particular Sunday in April 2012. Each local church was given the option of whether or not to hold this particular petition signing; some churches opted out, many opted in. Therein lies part of the problem.
I firmly believe in the absolute separation of church and state. When I heard that this petition signing was to take place, I approached my local church and asked if they would be participating. “Yes” was their answer, and they did. The issue at hand for me is that once you bring politics into a church’s sanctuary – regardless of the political party, cause, or issue – you taint the worship space that was created for the express purpose of praising God, celebrating the rituals in which we find comfort, and building up the Body of believers who call that local church the home base for their faith.
My “beef” isn’t even with the local church I left. (As a matter of fact I met with the local church leadership to talk about my concerns and my intention to leave and we had a very thoughtful and respectful conversation.) My beef and major concern centers around the hierarchy of leadership that holds onto teachings that I have not supported for quite some time now. The petition signing was merely the catalyst for me to finally be true to myself and the faith in which I clothe myself.
Now the healing that I’m seeking – healing from an unfulfilled expectation. I cared deeply about many of the people with whom I worshiped and I thought the feeling was mutual. You see, after more than ten years of attendance and active participation, I had the expectation that someone would a) notice that I was no longer there; and b) care enough to get in touch with me. Five months after leaving the church I received an e-mail from someone asking if I had left the parish, because this person missed seeing me on Sundays. That e-mail made my day. That e-mail both made me grieve, and rejoice. Grieve – because only one person cared enough to reach out to me. Rejoice – because one person reached out to me and confirmed that I mattered.
The lesson in all of this for me is that it’s not the local church’s fault that I’m hurt from their lack of response to my absence. I erroneously placed my personal expectation onto others – those who didn’t know what I had hoped would happen. I’ve come to believe that “expectation” is simply a fantasy of a personal hope that we try to impose on other people and/or events.
In that respect, the phrase “unfulfilled expectation” is a contradiction in terms. Again, going with my definition of fantasy, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines fantasy in this manner: the free play of creative imagination. The dictionary also provides an obsolete definition of fantasy as “hallucination.”
So there you have it. I hallucinated what I had wanted to take place – but it wasn’t fact.
I congratulate Chris MacLellan, the Blogger whose article is linked above, for coming to the realization that:
caregiving is a noble and worthwhile job; and
caregiving can be bad for one’s health.
All of us at one time or another have turned the focus away from our own well-being onto that of others to the detriment of our emotional and physical health. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t attend to the needs of others – we must if we’re to be a supportive society – but it’s important to be aware of what we personally need in order to remain healthy. It’s a difficult balance to reach, but it can be done.
My article, “Caregiver: put on your oxygen mask first” addresses the mistaken notion that we can do it all. We can’t. Our reserves will always run low and our fuel tank will always near empty unless we feed ourselves with that which sustains us. Chris discovered what he needed to do. I hope we all come up with the winning formula that allows us to take care of ourselves while we take care of others.
Katie Couric is redesigning her news career with a daytime talk show; and Jeff Probst of the “Survivor” television series has done the same. I guess you don’t have to be a normal non-celebrity middle class person to be bored or unsatisfied with life to have an excuse to recreate yourself.
But I’m not the only one who is currently redefining or recreating ones life.
I am personally acquainted with a 79-year old woman, a 64-year old man, and a 63-year old, 59-year old, and 36-year old woman, who are actively pursuing a transition from one chapter of their lives to the next. Personally, I feel that such a pursuit is good for the psyche; it brings a fresh outlook on what we’re still able to accomplish, and, equally as important, might prove beneficial to others as we stretch our wings – and perhaps even our comfort zone – in our efforts to make the most of our talents.
Does this mean that if a person spends decades in the same career they are less evolved or community-focused?
Hell no. I happen to be married to a wonderful man who has been with the same company since he graduated from college more than 30 years ago, and not only is he doing all he can, and then some, in his career, he also reaches out to others for whom his other non-job skills – and there are many – can be used. And boy do we need those dedicated employees in this world who are not only committed to their chosen career path but who also defy the odds – and improve the economic forecast – by staying with the same employer. I’m glad some of you are doing that, and doing it so very well.
I think I can credit, and thank, my limited attention span for the catalyst that keeps me on the look out for that “something else” that might be out there for me to do. Fortunately, most of the reboots I’ve experienced have worked out for the better. Not all of them are money-makers, but I can honestly say that they have all had a more positive than negative impact on the world around me. I’m the only one who has to account for whether or not I’ve been a “good and faithful servant” of this life that I’ve been given and I’m committed to keep trying until I get it right.
The exceptional article linked above focuses on the aftermath of losing someone for whom care was provided, and walking amongst the presence of that someone by virtue of their lingering essence; an essence that can not be bagged up and placed at the curb. Even the photos this blogger provides elicit clear images from when my parents died – thirteen years apart.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My father took comfort in my mom’s presence for many days after September 24, 1994, the day his wife died in her sleep: her handbag draped over the handle of the kitchen door; her reading glasses placed all through the house where she might have ended up needing them; the unfinished grocery list for items she anticipated purchasing later that week; the laundry basket containing clothes she removed from her body in the days preceding her death, not knowing that a few days hence, she would not be the one to launder them. I admit to hugging the bedsheets that had been removed from my mother’s bed the morning after her death. I buried my face in them, inhaling that which remained of my mother, as these were bedsheets on which her last breaths were taken.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
When my father died thirteen years later, I collected some of his personal items that spoke to me: the crucifix that hung above his bed; the magnifying glass that he needed to read newspaper articles prior to losing his reading ability due to the insidious disease of Alzheimer’s; his favorite shirt – or was it mine? – that helped me to readily pick him out amongst the other residents in the crowded dementia unit dining room; and his worn out wallet containing items that even in the depths of his dementia, gave him a sense of importance and identity.
We all know that tactile items themselves don’t bring our loved ones closer to us. But these items act as surrogates for those who have passed, more or less serving as the catalyst that uncovers what matters to us most: the essence of the cherished being, and the memories that are not easily discarded.
A full-page newspaper ad for hearing aids, walkers, and safe bathtubs drew my attention the other morning:
“Seniors fear loss of independence more than death.”
My husband & I, still youngsters in our mid to late 50’s.
I agree with that catch phrase, even though the final act of death brings its own fear level centered around how it will occur or whether or not it will be painful. But the loss of independence creates greater fear in me because of what it could mean:
perhaps having to move out of my private residence;
having my car keys taken away from me and being reliant on others for all of my transportation needs;
being told what to wear, what and when to eat, and when to go to bed;
not being able to bathe privately; reliant on someone else to make sure I get the job done right;
speaking of which, needing assistance on the toilet OR having an alternate means of evacuating my bowels – ugh!;
you name it – anything for which I am reliant, dependent, or beholden to someone else, scares me half to – well – death!
But maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m super sensitive to this issue because of my work with vulnerable adults in long-term care facilities. So I asked friends, family, and others with whom I’m acquainted what stands out as their greatest fear in their Baby Boomer years. Here is a summary of numerous responses to my query:
loss of independence which oftentimes involves chronic illness and/or dementia that drains the household finances;
loss of independence resultant from dementia as it seems to be prevalent in so many families;
loss of independence thereby putting the burden of care on my spouse;
loss of mobility;
flatulence!
I couldn’t resist listing the last response because it made me laugh while contemplating a subject matter that brings little humor to the table.
While taking a walk with a neighbor the other day, he concurred with the above, also adding that if a person had unlimited finances, loss of independence wouldn’t hurt as much: use of your own private driver, 24/7 caregiving in your own home, the best Chef money could buy so you’re not relegated to institutional “cuisine.” But you know, I’m not so sure that being able to afford all of the above would make me feel less dependent upon others than if I had a standard of living like most everyone else. Sure, the amenities are better, but the underlying cause for needing those amenities remains the same – the inability to do things for myself.
Now that we’ve all agreed that living an independent life is very precious to us – I know we understand more clearly why our parents or other loved ones fought the aging process every step of the way. I thought I was very empathetic to my father when he had to surrender his car keys. But now that I’m a wee bit older than I was at that time, I’m thinking I had no inkling of what my father went through as little by little he lost the independence he had enjoyed for eighty-some years.
But how can we prepare so as to avoid a complete loss of independence?
Well, if you find the magic formula, please let us all know. As for me and my household, I’m concentrating on the here and now in preparation for the future. Here’s my contribution:
Exercise like your life depends upon it – because it does. That doesn’t equate to running marathons or riding the Tour de France, rather, it’s participating in a variety of exercise options to which you know you can commit. What works for you – not what everyone else is doing.
Enjoy the food you eat but don’t be addicted to it. My husband and I have dessert every night and we use butter instead of margarine when we cook. Those are luxuries that we decided to enjoy while making sure that the rest of our diet is balanced and more healthy than not.
Speaking of balanced, we love our wine, so nightly, we enjoy a glass during those post-workday (and post-exercise) moments while we catch up on our respective days. Oh, and we also enjoy another glass as it goes so wonderfully with dinner, don’t you think?
Use your brain in ways that you don’t use it while at work. There’s still no fool-proof method of preventing Alzheimer’s or other dementia, but you’ll feel better about yourself if you continue to challenge what you know – and what you don’t know.
Seek peace amongst the chaos. In my article, Where do you find peace?, I explore both how to find peace, and how to keep that peace from slipping away. Rather than repeat what I previously said, I hope you’ll find time to read my “peaceful” article.
Now it’s your turn. What are you doing to avoid what many of us fear the most? I know many Baby Boomers would benefit from hearing what you have to say. We’re all in this together – regardless of how far from each other we live – so let’s work together towards attaining the goal of remaining independent as long as we possibly can.
I should have posted this earlier than today, but I hope anyone needing this valuable resource – and it’s FREE today Sunday, August 26th!!!!! – will be able to take advantage of it. I know I will.
Thank you, Kelli, for being generous with this offering.
A recent NBC Nightly News story focused on the role of caregiving as adult children take on the parental role vacated by their parents.
Imagine, if you can, handling all that you normally do in your hectic life and adding between 20 to 60 more hours to your workload. Haven’t arrived at that point yet? Of this potentiality you can be certain – all signs point to that being in your future. Whether your involvement is characterized by general care for an aging family member, or specialized care for a family member with cognitive decline, caregiving is most likely a task to which you have not devoted much attention.
It is said that 1,200 people per day are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or other dementia. Let’s re-categorize that statistic: 1,200 caregivers are created every day.
The new ad campaign, a joint project between AARP and the Ad Council, was created to address the impact of family caregiving with the graying of the population. This ad campaign seeks to provide resources for those who are thrust into this role for which they are ill-prepared.
“Although they often don’t identify themselves as ‘caregivers,’ more than 42 million Americans perform some form of consistent care for older or impaired adult relatives or friends, according to a 2009 estimate. It can range from paying bills, to driving Mom to doctor appointments, to more hands-on care such as bathing, and even tasks once left to nurses such as the care of open wounds.”
Taking a walk with my wonderful Dad in 2007.
And as many of us who have been in that caregiving role can attest, ones’ active role goes on and on when behind-the-scenes caregiving occurs, dealing with finance and insurance issues and the like during our alleged “free” time; a time when others are settling down to watch their favorite TV show or to read a good book.
This extraordinary AARP/Ad Council project is broader than another effort that is part of the new National Alzheimer’s Plan that can be found on the federal government’s website, www.alzheimers.gov. But both of these projects address the loneliness inherent with the caregiving task when so many caregivers feel, and become, isolated and adrift in an ocean of frustration and despair.
FINALLY some resources are being directed to the tidal wave of caregiving issues that Baby Boomers face. It may be too little too late, but it’s more than has been available up to this point. My hope is that the generation in which our children live will have sufficient resources to deal with us Baby Boomers because if our children think this caregiving task is going to jump their generation, they’ve got another thing coming to them.
And I apologize ahead of time for what awaits you.
I learned something today for the umpteenth time and it came from someone who died two days ago at the age of 54 as a result of a 14-year battle with benign, but aggressive, meningioma brain tumors. Kathi Goertzen underwent numerous surgeries; endured countless chemotherapy and radiation treatments; and sought out additional therapies in other countries. But these tumors mercilessly came back again, and again, and again. Nerves in her face were destroyed making it difficult for her to speak as clearly as she wished. Similar nerve impairment gradually affected her ability to swallow, and therefore, eat. And what makes all of those symptoms more notable, is that Kathi was the consummate news anchor at a Seattle ABC affiliate, Komo4 News. Kathi was on camera for over thirty years and even when she was no longer able to sit at the anchor desk, Kathi powered through as a field reporter both in the United States and abroad.
Giving up was not in Kathi Goertzen’s DNA. It became obvious to all of us – and I never personally met her, she was simply one of the news anchors I admired the most – that Kathi virtually defined the word “tenacious.” Throughout the years, Ms. Goertzen spent countless days in the intensive care unit (ICU) of local hospitals with her husband, two daughters, parents & siblings, and her Komo4 News family standing by her as the most supportive cheerleading team of its kind. And once she got over that bump in the road, she carried on in her media career, and as an extraordinary wife and mother – the latter which she considered her most important roles in life. A recent video tribute to Kathi, which can be found at the Komo4 News link, shows interviews with Kathi in which she said that she didn’t want people to feel sorry for her; she didn’t want all the attention that this unfortunate condition drew to her. And then there was this statement, paraphrased from the video tribute:
These tumors don’t define me. I won’t let them!
I immediately thought of the many times I let hardships and circumstances define who I am. Oh, it’s so easy to give in to the tendency to feel sorry for ourselves isn’t it? To pay more attention to the bad than the good. It’s scandalous to think that in my several decades of life I have given the hardship (whether it be chronic pain, relationships, job struggles and the like) the upper hand, thereby giving power to that which should have never been given purchase in my life.
Thank you Kathi for getting through to me on this very important issue: circumstances don’t define me, I’ve only ALLOWED them to do so.
The linked article, above, from a fellow Blogger is very much worth the read as it’s just one of many stories occurring around the world when loved ones – whether because of dementia or just advancing age – face the decision of whether or not to put down the keys to a vehicle that can cause untold damage to the driver, and all those in his or her path.
In my article, Driving with Dementia: the dangers of denial, linked here, I address this dilemma that many families encounter. I hope both of these articles provide you with helpful information so that you are able to make informed decisions centered around the dangers of driving with an age or disease-related impairment.
Why? Because at least 150 people attended my sister-in-law’s memorial service, held after she passed from complications associated with Alzheimer’s disease.
I know that the count of 150 is nothing compared to a stadium full of football, baseball, or soccer fans. But this 150 people showed up on Monday, the beginning of most people’s work-week, to honor my brother and his stepchildren, and memorialize a woman who impacted their world greatly.
How the day unfolded. Individual after individual arrived: some driving south from British Columbia, Canada, one person even flying in from Toronto, Canada, and numerous people driving north from California and Oregon state. At first it looked like those who set up the venue with numerous chairs had overcompensated in their attendance projections. That was not to be the case. By 2 pm, the scheduled start of the memorial service, additional chairs had to be set up. By 2:15 pm, some of us, most notably my brother, were sweating – not just because it was very hot on that particular Seattle, Washington day, but because the Officiant for the service had not arrived – and never did. But that’s not important.
Time for Plan B. I joined my brother outside just after 2 pm and I suggested that since the Officiant had not yet arrived, it was probably time to figure out Plan B. All the immediate family members sprung into action and the parts that would have been attended to by the Officiant were superbly handled by other family members. Even my brother – who had NOT planned on saying a word during the structured part of the service – walked to the front of the room and spoke beautifully about his wife’s journey to finally reach “home.”
Home is not just a structure with four walls. Quite a few times during my sister-in-law’s illness, she told my brother that she just wanted to go home. Now for those who aren’t familiar with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, oftentimes “home” means comfort, freedom, peace. That was the case with my brother’s spouse. She died on the American holiday, July 4th, also known as Independence Day. That day was her Independence Day, when she could finally flee to comfort, freedom, and peace, with a body – and mind – untethered by any restrictions.
Many blessings to my sister-in-law, my wonderful brother/spouse caregiver, Don, and all of the surviving family members. Monday, August 13th was truly a Celebration of Life and Liberty.
I would have been a wee bit less physically careless during the decades from 20 years old thru 40. Maybe the joints in my extremities wouldn’t complain as loudly and as often as they do now.
I would have certainly not believed that I knew everything there was to know at the age of 21. How many of you remember the well-deserved warnings from your parents, or even your peers, trying to steer you away from ill-advised decisions you were making at the time?
I would have chosen a different major in college instead of going with the subject matter at which I excelled most. It seemed like a no brainer to me: I’m a straight A student in the French language, so obviously that’s what I’m supposed to be studying during my university years. Haven’t used it since.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I would have known that Peppermint Schnapps and beer do not go together…at the same time…many times over. I can only say that I am a living testament that I somehow survived those careless early 20’s irresponsible drinking bouts and learned my lesson BIG time.
I would have known that a rabbit coat – although fashionable at the time – was cruel beyond measure. It was inexpensive, it was warm while I lived in Alaska; what can I say, I thought I was making a fashion statement.
I would not have purchased a snazzy white 1979 Mustang with bright yellow & green racing stripes. Further confession: I didn’t really like it all that much. At least it wasn’t a convertible.
I could go on, and on, and on – pretty entertaining, aren’t I? But I’ll now turn it over to you to add your own Baby Boomer Lessons Learned comments at the bottom of this article.
In the article linked above, Bill Newcott discusses how he hunkered down and tried to fix what ailed his wife. The first paragraph of the article will grab you:
Living: the ultimate team sport 