Fun and Games
One more techie joke for the weekend
Two executives in expensive suits stopped off at a small country bar. As the bartender served them, he heard a muffled “beep! beep!” sound and watched as one of the men calmly removed a pen from his inside coat pocket and began carrying on a conversation. When he was done talking, the exec noticed the bartender and the other customers giving him puzzled looks. “I was just answering a call on my state-of-the-art cellular pen,” he explained.
A short while later, another odd tone was heard. This time the second executive picked up his fancy hat, fiddled with the lining and started talking into it. After a few moments he put the hat back on the bar. “That was just a call on my state-of-the-art cellular hat,” he said matter-of-factly.
A few stools down, one of the locals suddenly let out a loud burp. “Quick!” he exclaimed. “Anybody got a piece of paper? I have a fax comin’ in!”
Three weekend jokes to ponder: Number 1
“What are you so happy about?” a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
“I broke a mirror,” he replied.
“But that means seven years of bad luck.”
“I know,” he said, beaming. “Isn’t it wonderful?”
Three weekend jokes to ponder: No. 2
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job – a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie.
“You’re a housewife.”
Three weekend jokes to ponder: No. 3
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are those machetes doing in your car?” asks the cop.
“I juggle them in my act.”
“Oh, yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives.
Another man driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the passer-by. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Chilly jokes for those of us buried in snow: No. 2
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: “How did you get here?”
Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?”
Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so bad about the whole thing, I had a massive heart attack.”
Johnny: “Oh, man. If you had checked the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive.”
Chilly jokes for those of us buried in snow: No.1
Two ministers died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted them and said,
“Your condos aren’t ready yet. Until they’re finished, you can return to earth as anything you want.”
“Fine,” said the first minister. “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle soaring over the Grand Canyon.”
“And I’d like to be a real cool stud!” said the second minister.
Poof! Their wishes were granted.
When the condos were finished, St. Peter asked an assistant to bring back the two ministers.
“How will I find them?” the assistant said.
“One is soaring over the Grand Canyon,” St. Peter replied. “The other may be tough to locate. He’s somewhere in Detroit – on a snow tire.”
Open Wide and Say Ha! Three medical jokes for your week.
FIRST JOKE:
A woman accompanied her husband when he went for his annual checkup. While the patient was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to the wife, “I don’t like the way he looks.”
“Neither do I,” she said, “but he’s handy around the house.”
SECOND JOKE:
Three doctors were on their way to a convention when their car had a flat. They got out and examined the tire. The first doctor said, “I think it’s flat.”
The second doctor examined it closely and said, “It sure looks flat.”
The third doctor felt the tire and said, “It feels like it’s flat.”
All three nodded their heads in agreement. “We’d better run some tests.”
In this Blogger’s humble opinion, I guess that’s a hint at why the health-care system is broken. Yes? No? Probably. Which leads us to the LAST JOKE of the week:
A physician went to heaven and met God, who granted him one question. So the physician asked, “Will health-care reform ever occur?”
“I have good news and bad news,” God replied. “The answer is yes, but not in my lifetime.”
Living long enough to put your foot in your mouth.
Many years ago I attended a very large wedding at my church. Big bridal party; all dressed to-the-nines. While mingling after the wedding prior to walking into the church reception hall, I chatted with a couple who would be getting married a couple months hence.
“Weren’t those groomsmen’s shiny gray tuxedos atrocious?” I said. “What were they thinking when they decided on those colors?!!!” To which the future bride and groom then stated, “Uh – those are the exact same tuxedos we chose for our upcoming wedding!” Oops.
I give you the above real-life example as a lead-in to the following wedding joke humor:
“How lovely you look, my dear!” gushed a wedding guest to the bride. The guest then whispered to the bride, “Whatever happened to that dizzy blonde your groom used to date?”
“I dyed my hair, ” replied the bride.
Oops!
Secret letters – no longer a secret.
Grandma was preparing dinner when her grandson Bradley came into the kitchen.
“What has grandma’s darling been doing all day?”
“I’ve been playing mailman,” replied Bradley.
“Mailman?” asked grandma. “How could you do that when you had no letters?”
“I had a whole bunch of letters,” said Bradley. “I found them in that old trunk up in the attic, all tied up with ribbon. I put one in every mailbox on your street!”
A granddaughter’s first wedding.
Attending a wedding for the first time a little girl whispered to her grandmother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because traditionally, white is the color of happiness,” her grandmother explained. “Today is the happiest day of her life!”
Her granddaughter thought about this for a moment.
“So why is the groom wearing black?”
Granddaughter and Grandma humor
A granddaughter watched, fascinated, as her grandmother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that?” she asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said the grandmother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked the granddaughter? “Giving up?”
Some late, late in life humor.
The judge was trying to change the mind of a woman filing for divorce. “You’re 92,” he said. “Your husband is 94. You’ve been married for 73 years. Why give up now?”
“Our marriage has been on the rocks for quite a while,” the woman explained, “but we decided to wait until the children died.”
Baby Boomer Dating: a pick-up line that backfired
A divorced man in his 50’s finally felt that after 3 years, he was ready to put himself out there again. It didn’t go so well. “I went to a singles bar,” he told a friend, “walked over to this 30-something year old woman and asked, “Where have you been all my life?”
She said, “Teething.”
Baby Boomers: what topics interest you?
What do you want to read and comment on? I thoroughly enjoy this blogging experience but it’s not satisfying enough for me to have a one-way written conversation. My family would be the first to say that once I get going, it’s hard to shut me up. (As of March 2016, I’ve posted 700 articles.)
But I want to enhance my own Baby Boomer experience with your wisdom, advice, successes, even failures. It’s in those practical experiences that we grow the most.
So I sincerely covet your input as to what would draw you to my “Baby Boomers and More” Blog more frequently. What topics interest you enough that you would provide comments and even contribute your own articles that I’ll press/link to my own Blog site?
Truth be told? This is not just my site – it’s out there for everyone. I hope you’ll be candid and honest with your input. Bring it on – I’m good and ready for your Baby Boomer Blog ideas.
Old Age Golf.
Bob is old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement in March.
One day he arrives home looking very downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it lands!”
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down for dinner she makes a suggestion: “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good, ” sighs Bob, “your brother is a 103 years old!” “He may be 103,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did! I have perfect eyesight,” says the brother-in-law.
“Well, where did it go?” asks Bob.
“Can’t remember.”
Don’t you hate it when you get hiccups?
A man runs into the ER and asks the doctor if he knows a way to stop the hiccups.
Without any warning, the doctor slaps the man in the face. Amazed and angry, the man demands an explanation.
“Well,” says the doctor, “you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
“No,” the man answers, “but my wife, who’s in the car, still does.”
Thanks to my sister-in-law, Tricia (a nurse), I’m able to add this joke to my Blog.
When it comes to logic, this Senior Citizen excels.
A class of approximately 25 Senior Citizens enrolled in a Logic class at the local community college. This class proved to be very interesting but also VERY challenging.
A week before the final exam, their Professor sympathized with their concerns about what was sure to be a difficult Final Exam, especially given the fact that the Senior Citizens in the class hadn’t sat in a classroom or been faced with this type of exam process in quite some time. The Professor gave each student permission to fill an 8.5 x 11 sheet of white paper with what they felt would help them correctly answer the exam questions.
On the day of the exam, student by student filed into the classroom with their white pieces of paper filled with notations that they felt would help them through the exam. The last student to enter brought in a blank piece of white paper and placed it on the floor to the left of him in the aisle. Shortly thereafter a more traditionally aged college student walked in and stood within the confines of the piece of paper. Wow – now that’s weird.
Turns out the student that stood on the white piece of paper had a Masters Degree in Logic and provided all the answers to the Senior Citizen who invited him to participate in the exam with him. This Senior Citizen student got all the answers right because he followed the guidelines suggested by the Professor: fill the 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper with what he felt would help him correctly answer the exam questions.
Seems logical to me – wish I had thought of that when I took my college Logic exam so many years ago.
Speaking of Doctors…here’s some medical humor.
A doctor is talking to his patient one day and he says, “I have some bad news and some terrible news.”
The patient asks, “What’s the bad news?” and the doctor says, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
The patient says, “Oh no! What news could possibly be worse than that?”
And the doctor says, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
After my most recent post, I decided that some humor was in order.
These guys rob a bank wearing gorilla masks. As they’re getting away, a customer pulls off one of the robber’s masks to see what he looks like.
The bank robber says, “Now that you’ve seen me, you have to die,” and he shoots the man dead.
The robber looks around the room. Everyone is looking away or covering their eyes. “Did anyone else see my face!?”
An Irishman in the corner slowly raises his hand. “You saw my face!?” “No, but I think my wife might have got a wee peek.”
Three Sisters – a humorous look at memory challenges.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 lived together in a large, rambling house in Asheville, North Carolina.
One night, the 96-year-old was drawing a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She shouted to her two sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yelled back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She started up the stairs and paused, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table, having tea and listening to her sisters. She shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…”
She then shouted, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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Living: the ultimate team sport 