Community outreach
Aging is a Privilege
Yes, it is.
No doubt each of us can name a friend or loved one who died younger than they should have. For me, it’s my sister-in-law, Wendy, who died of cancer and never got to meet her daughter’s children nor witness her son’s wedding; and my son-in-law’s father, David, who also died of cancer and not only didn’t get to see his children get married but also missed out on being grandpa to his son’s two children. Although it was years ago now, we are still feeling the after effects.
This body of mine has certainly inspired some complaints on my part; all those aches and pains and the inability to get up off the floor when playing with my grandkids without much fanfare. But I get to play with my grandkids on the floor. What a gift!
I am still here and Wendy and David are not so I will honor them both by not complaining too loudly when the privilege of aging has been granted to me and not granted to those two stellar human beings.
That sure gives me pause, as I am certain it does you where your losses are concerned.
Bless you all.
Glimmers of Friendship
A good friend of mine calls the above types of connections Glimmers.
I wonder where you experience glimmers? I am quite certain that not a day has gone by when I am in public that I haven’t been involved in an accidental meeting with someone, or several someones. Just ask my husband…there isn’t an elevator – or a store checkout counter – where I have not reached out to a stranger for that very short glimmer of friendship.
You don’t have to bug the heck out of someone to make a connection wherein they are frantically trying to get away from you – not in the least. All that is needed is a smile, a kind word, a compliment about their sparkly boots – the latter occurring just a couple weeks ago – or even just wishing a stranger a positive day of sorts.
Give it a try. You just might have made that stranger’s day with that accidental meeting’s mini conversation.
And may I add, I hope someone does the same for you someday soon that will make you feel better than you did just moments before.
AND TRUST ME, THAT’S NO ACCIDENT.
Acknowledge the Good News that Exists
I think we can all agree that we are surrounded by bad news stories. We need not look any further than a pop-up notification on our phones to catch BREAKING or HEADLINE news that is rarely good.
I am as guilty as any other consumer in that I have recently paid more attention to the yucky happenings in my world than the good that already exists. You and I can certainly find some delightful happenings right in our own backyard, can’t we?
Seeing as I live in the United States that was in a very contentious election season that played out this very month, I have relished the opportunity to look for even the smallest of victories that come my way so as to lighten the emotional load that too often clouds my view of the world.
So here are a few positive incidents I had the privilege of recently celebrating:
- My husband and I celebrated having met each other on a blind date 28 years ago that changed our lives in such a very good way.
- Our two grandchildren have thus far managed to stay healthy, even though their school sessions started a few months ago. That’s a record because as most of us know, schools can be regular germ factories!
- On top of that, two of our adult children are teachers in the local school system, and they too have stayed healthy. Let me tell you, that is good news worth celebrating!!
- Our oldest daughter and her husband will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in just a month’s time and our youngest daughter and her husband recently celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary!
- The home of one of my nieces who lives in the region of the United States that was hard-hit by one of the recent hurricanes suffered physical damage, but my niece, her husband, and their teenage daughter escaped bodily harm. Homes can be repaired, but human bodies aren’t quite as easily fixed. It is now my dream that full restoration for all affected will be forthcoming.
- The two novels I wrote, Requiem for the Status Quo, and A Jagged Journey, continue to receive positive reviews! Requiem is dedicated to all family members caring for their loved ones with dementia. I celebrate that others have been helped by my own challenging experiences that were included in that memoir-like novel and I dream of a world that eradicates Alzheimer’s and all other dementia.
Majoring on the “minors” is a great way of living when positive happenings cross our paths. They are so very important because the more good we acknowledge, the less yucky the bad stuff will seem to be.
Focusing on the good news around us is a healthy way to close out the current year, don’t you think? That’s what I plan on doing because the alternative just doesn’t seem very appetizing to me.
Let’s Try To Work It Out
Us humans really like to point fingers at others, don’t we? Doing so lessens our own guilt about the way things are going – whether in our family, our job, or our country.
As a United States citizen, the political climate can seem overwhelming, because it is. That overwhelm is perhaps experienced by our loss of sleep, increased anxiety, or even blaming one whole group of people for the country’s ills. But for most of us, that overwhelm is contained and instead of doing bad, we endeavor to do good.
The recent violent acts towards a political candidate were the actions of mentally unstable people; they were not representative of me and they were not representative of you. Individuals, not a group of people, carried out those violent acts. Those individuals made a decision to take the law and my country into their own hands. I don’t support those actions, nor will I ever support making a point by using violence.
I certainly do support choice, however. Although sometimes difficult, I choose to accept that others have differing opinions than I. And accepting that fact doesn’t mean I agree, rather, I acknowledge a person’s right to think differently, as long as that person is civil towards myself and others. Can we please start a movement to acknowledge our many differences without engaging with each other on a battlefield where absolutely no one comes out as victor?
Thirty-three years ago, Rodney King was severely beaten after an attempted arrest in 1991. The acquittal of the officers involved in that beating sparked the Los Angeles riots of 1992. The recipient of that beating by the acquitted officers made a television appearance during the height of the riots to plead for peace and calm. Rodney King is quoted as saying,
People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along?…It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything…Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out.
PLEASE EVERYONE, PLEASE. LET’S TRY TO WORK IT OUT.
Their. There. They’re.
I don’t envy those who try to learn the English language when it is not their first language. For example, words that are spelled differently but pronounced the same are called HOMONYMS, like the three words in the title of this post. Words that are spelled the same but are pronounced differently are called HETERONYMS. Some examples of both of these anomalies:
I need to alter the arrangement on the altar. Did you develop instructions about the right way to write?
While viewing the beautiful red flower in the vase, I read the cookie recipe and opened the canister of flour. I rode my bike on the road in the desert but had to desert the area because it was close to getting dark so I had to close out my plans.
I was born in the United States to a middle-class family. My parents and my older brother and sister spoke English, so quite naturally the first words out of my mouth were also English ones. The educational system of which I was a part was English speaking only and although learning how to diagram sentences was a requirement, it was expected of me, and I didn’t have to discard any non-English rules to do so along the way.
HOW DO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLE MANAGE?
One of my nieces is from Russia and when my sister and brother-in-law adopted my sixteen-year-old niece from a Russian orphanage, Kristina didn’t speak or understand English. She is now in her mid-30s and has a successful job. Keep in mind, Kristina’s parents didn’t know or understand the Russian language either, so the challenges existed on both sides. BUT, and this is an important BUT, my sister and brother-in-law were born and raised in the United States so the biggest post-adoption adjustment occurred for the teenager who entered high school as an extremely handicapped individual and managed to graduate from her secondary school AND attend college. WOW!
The bottom line regarding the English language is that even though there are rules about how to write and speak the language, those rules don’t always apply, and when they do, they are still confusing as heck. I have deep respect for anyone who attempts – and succeeds at – learning the English language. At seventy years of age, I still struggle with discerning the correct word choices and sentence structures in any given circumstance, and I am a published author who is supposed to know a thing or two about the correct way to speak and to write! As I leave you with a few more frustration-inducing examples, think of those with whom you come in contact who might struggle with the language that comes so naturally to you. Perhaps we can all exercise a bit more grace towards them as a result.
HOMONYMS: ate or eight way or weigh aisle or isle blue or blew buy or bye
HETERONYMS: tear (crying result) or tear (rip something up); object (an item) or object (in a courtroom); lead (as in a heavy metal box) or lead (using a map to guide someone)
A Little Help From a Friend
Lessening the burden of another.
Last year, I became aware of a neighbor’s struggle with his wife’s newly diagnosed dementia. “Reggie” is in his early 70’s, as am I. Reggie is retired; I am as well. I retired from the long-term care industry working with adults whose conditions are most often associated with aging – Alzheimer’s and other dementia being at the forefront.
Along with that professional experience, I also had hands-on personal experience for both my father, who died from Alzheimer’s disease in 2007, and my sister-in-law, who died from mixed dementia in 2012. Additionally, I worked as an Alzheimer’s Association caregiver support group facilitator for five years. When Reggie advised me of his household’s situation, I filled him in on my varied experiences – simply to add credence to any advice I might offer him – and then I provided information that I thought might help address the various situations he very openly discussed with me over several months’ time. I was thrilled that he joined a nearby caregiver support group that I had recommended because let’s face it, we all could use a little help from a friend, or like-experienced individuals, as the stresses of life present themselves – right? Trust me when I say, that even with all my long-term care experience, I still struggled to apply that textbook knowledge to real life, in-the-moment situations with my loved ones. A little help goes a long way.
Caring for a loved one is always on-the-job training, even during the best of times.
When my neighbor openly disclosed to me that he would be leaving for an out of state trip, I texted him resources that could be of help to him – resources that might assure his wife’s safety and his enjoyment of what I was certain was a much needed and much deserved break from 24/7 caregiving. As my casual neighborly conversations continued with him thereafter, I provided advice in my ongoing friendly efforts to help his wife, and therefore him. When Reggie told me that he had ultimately decided to have another female neighbor, with whom the wife is familiar, check in on his wife for dinner each night while he was out of state, I strongly suggested his wife could benefit from more attentive care in his absence. I brought up several What If scenarios that might pop up during the greater amount of time his wife would be alone. He stated “that would never happen” and “she’s never done that before” to which I suggested it might be more prudent to assume that what would never happen would, and what she would never do, she would do. Reggie stuck with his original plan. Caveat: just before he left for his trip, both my husband and I were recovering from being enmeshed in the hell that is Covid so being more than casual eyes on the prize during his absence was not an option.
The story has an eventual happy ending but getting there was problematic.
A few days in to his multi-day trip, I observed Reggie’s wife walk by my house to walk the dog on her own. She hadn’t walked in the neighborhood alone or with someone else for quite some time. I let her get far enough ahead of me and then followed her to make sure she got home safely. Upon my return, I texted her husband first to ask if he was home; he was not. I sent a second text to let him know that I was concerned because his wife had just gone on a solo walk with the dog. He did not respond to that text, although upon his return, Reggie’s take on his wife’s out-of-the-ordinary behavior was a positive one, in that he was thrilled that she was able to accomplish something that hadn’t been in her wheelhouse in the recent past. Go figure! It’s always a good thing when something positive comes about from a potentially negative event.
I am sorry that one of my What Ifs came true – and thankfully, there were no negative repercussions – but it probably could have been avoided had the neighbor trusted the information provided to him to assure his, and therefore his wife’s, well-being. I don’t need or want to be right, but if my personal and/or professional experiences can somehow help someone, that realized benefit is good for the community. My take on life is that individually we all know some things, but not all things, so I am constantly on the lookout to learn something new that just might augment and benefit my life and the lives of my loved ones.
Full disclosure: ACCEPTING SOMEONE ELSE’S HELP IS A DIFFICULT THING TO DO. I am ashamed to say that I too am guilty of dismissing well-intentioned assistance from kind neighbors, most recently assuring a neighbor a couple blocks from me that she need not make meals for my husband and me while we were convalescing from the very debilitating effects of Covid – a virus we avoided for four years but when it invaded our home, my husband and I fell gravely ill. I regret turning down the offered meals because that gift of meals was a communal generosity that I failed to truly acknowledge at the time. Similarly, I hope Reggie learns something from the What If that came about in his absence, and going forward I pray he is more open to those in our neighborhood community who truly only want the best for him and his wife.
When we don’t know or understand a situation, may we all be open to receiving and applying lessens that just may ease the burden of not knowing. We all need community. We can all benefit from community. If we haven’t learned that fact in the past four-plus years, I fear we/I haven’t learned a thing.
I documented my personal dementia caregiving experiences in my novel Requiem for the Status Quo in my ongoing effort to help those who find themselves in similar family caregiving situations.
Terror for Unsuspecting Prey
The voracious demon has no respect for its unsuspecting prey; I personally met it twice and lost two loved ones to it. Although younger citizens manage to avoid being consumed by this fiend, those older have little defense against its murderous appetite.
“I’m not going!” Amanda is tired of her husband’s persistent attempts to take her on a surprise outing. Giving up is not an option for Seth, however, so he resorts to lying.
“Okay, you don’t have to accompany me, but I thought you’d want to pick out the size of the emerald for your ring. I’ll just wing it and hope you like it.”
Amanda put her hands on her hips. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have dressed better. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be good to go.” Seth wasn’t proud of his deception, but the concern he felt outweighed any questionable ethics at play.
As soon as Amanda returned wearing a different outfit, Seth pulled her into a hug. “You’ve made me the happiest man in all of Seattle.” Amanda pulled away from him, “Just Seattle? Last night you talked about the whole world, not just our little corner of it. Where are we going? To Tiffany’s?”
Twenty minutes later, Seth pulled his vintage Chevy into a parking space marked Patients-Only. Amanda looked around. “We shouldn’t park here, there must be a space closer to the store than this one.” Seth didn’t look at her when he said, “I parked here for a reason.”
“Okay, you’re being creepy. I want you to back up and head to the jewelry store!”
Seth turned to his wife. “You’re sick, Amanda. You’ve got that … brain disease. We’re seeing a specialist today to get us the help you need.”
Amanda crossed her arms, hurt more than angry at Seth’s trickery. “I’m not really sick-sick, and I don’t care about some silly ol’ emerald, let’s go to that car show in South Seattle you mentioned the other day.”
“The car show was two months ago. I took photos of you behind the wheel of that shiny red Corvette, remember?” Seth got out of the car, opened the passenger door, and crouched beside her. “I love you so much, but I can’t protect you. The doctor said the types of tests he’s going to perform won’t hurt. I’d like to know what we’re dealing with so we can be prepared for what’s to come.”
Seth couldn’t stand to see his wife cry. Eventually Amanda composed herself. “What about my anniversary gift? I want to celebrate!”
“We celebrated our anniversary four months ago.”
Amanda wiped her face. “Now you’re just being stupid. We didn’t celebrate our anniversary yet. We got married in August and it’s only – whatever month it is right now. Take me away from here.”
“In February, twenty-five years ago, we vowed to love each other forevermore, and we renewed those vows four months ago. I’m just as much in love with you now as I was then which is why I want you to have a thorough medical exam. Please, Amanda, do this for me?”
Seth helped his wife out of the car and held her close. “I wish this wasn’t happening, but it is. This nice doctor will spend a few hours with you while I go shop for a new tool for my workshop.”
“You won’t forget that I’m here, will you? You’ll take me home afterwards?”
“Of course.”
Amanda said, “Okeydokey, but you have to cross your heart and hope to die, or I won’t believe you.” Seth took a step away from his wife. “Cross my heart and hope to die, you’ll always be the apple of my eye. When years and years have passed us by, I’ll still be your favorite guy.” Seth kissed her forehead, nose, and lips, then taking Amanda’s hand, they walked into the Seattle Urban Medical Clinic.
The imp makes itself known by gradually invading the privacy of the victim’s brain. Helpless family members struggle to hold on to those infected by a plague that can strip their loved ones of all functional abilities.
A week later Seth met with Dr. Mishra to go over the neurological findings, prior to a joint appointment with Amanda. “Your wife’s case is one of the most aggressive I’ve seen. Historically, early onset victims tend to have a stronger strain of the disease which oftentimes manifests itself in extremely unpredictable behaviors. Your wife is a poster child for that profile. Her primary care physician indicated that her symptoms became very pronounced six months ago. Tell me about those symptoms.”
“Didn’t Dr. Tobias provide that information in her notes?”
“She did, but I’d like your take on it.”
Seth dove in. “Amanda used to be a fastidious person but that started to change. I always left for work an hour before her so I was never home when she showered to get ready for her job at an accounting firm downtown.”
“Does she still hold that job?”
“No.” Seth continued. “One Sunday morning I concluded she hadn’t showered in a while. She insisted she had. I figured I’d encourage her by asking her to join me in the shower, which she did. Afterwards I suggested that maybe she only thought she had showered. She started to cry and accused me of thinking she was ugly. I just let it go and hoped that little episode would correct itself in time.”
“Did it?”
“No, and her lack of personal hygiene shifted to the house. One day I didn’t get home from the office until late. I had helped her plan dinner menus for the entire week and that evening’s meal was chicken stir fry. I cut up the chicken in the morning and put the raw pieces in a zip-bag with Teriyaki sauce to marinate in the fridge. When I got home, she finalized dinner preparations while I headed upstairs to change. Back downstairs, she sat at the dining table with a proud smile on her face and said, ‘Voila!’ but the dishes at each of our place settings were filled with cooked rice and uncooked chicken. She was just about to put a forkful in her mouth when I grabbed her hand. When I explained that the chicken was raw, she ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom. From that point forward we agreed that I would make dinner every night.”
“How was she with household chores?”
“She couldn’t figure out how to do the day-to-day stuff: vacuuming, laundry, you name it.”
The doctor asked, “What lead to her leaving her job?”
“There were days when Amanda didn’t go to work because she forgot she had a job. One day she arrived two hours late and simply sat in her office, not knowing what she was supposed to do. Her boss called me that day and said Amanda wasn’t well and should go home. She also talked about Amanda’s ongoing erratic work behavior. That was Amanda’s last day at work.”
“How was your wife’s general health at the time?”
“My wife seemed healthy. She didn’t have any of the conditions common with aging. Heck, she went through menopause, and I wasn’t even aware of it.”
“Consider yourself lucky.”
“I do.”
“Look, doctor, this is old news. My wife endured several hours of testing, and I expected you to tell me something new. You said she has an aggressive type of the disease, what does that mean?”
Dr. Mishra turned the computer screen around toward Seth. “Your wife’s brain has been invaded in such a way that the frontal portion is shrinking dramatically.”
Seth looked at the MRI image. “No way, that can’t be Amanda’s brain, you’re mistaken.”
“There’s no mistake. The testing conclusively indicated that her behaviors, and the decline in her ability to perform many daily activities, indicate an abnormal variant of the disease.”
“What else will this ‘variant’ do to her?”
“Your wife could lose her ability to speak and walk, and eventually her organs will not function effectively.”
Seth leaned on the front of the doctor’s desk. “This disease, when will it take her away from me?
“Less than five years if she’s lucky.”
“If she’s lucky? What’s lucky about that?”
Amanda’s mother stayed at home with Amanda while Seth attended monthly dementia caregiver support group meetings. Seth felt encouraged but was equally as discouraged when other members’ loved ones joined the ranks of the deceased. He knew he couldn’t change the course of his wife’s illness but was determined to do all he could to maintain her dignity until the end.
World governments have failed to adequately reduce the percentage of those who fall victim to the perils of this demon disease.
Unfortunately, Seth and Amanda’s journey is just one of countless cases where unsuspecting peoples’ lives have been ruined in a world where Alzheimer’s and other dementia – the demon murderers – show little sign of abating.
HELPFUL RESOURCES:
AlzAuthors, an extraordinary resource of hundreds of vetted reading content about all types of dementia.
Alzheimer’s Association, find a support group near you.
Wisdom: Share the Love
When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.
Wisdom: Uniquely You
As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us is, that each of us has something that no one else has or ever will have something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.
Wisdom: You are Enough
You are special. There’s only one of you in this wonderful world. In a way, you’ve already won in this world because you’re the only one who can be you!
Wisdom: Children
Mr. Fred Rogers had a boat load of wisdom that he passed along during his show Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. With summer approaching and the outdoors calling my name, I am going to share tidbits of his wisdom each week. This inaugural Rogers quote centers on children.
Anyone who does anything to help a child in her or his life is a hero.
Beauty is NOT Skin Deep
True beauty exists in a person who is kind, giving, and loving.
Without a doubt, each person reading this post has encountered outwardly beautiful people who oozed ugliness. We have also witnessed the opposite to be true: the less-than-beautiful acting with extreme ugliness. Genuine beauty exists deep within the heart and the mind.
I’m not telling you anything new and I’m not going to go on and on about this subject other than to say:
Words and actions matter.
PLEASE MAKE YOURS COUNT AS I TRY TO MAKE MINE COUNT AS WELL.
Hungry For Connection
I recently completed a guided meditation on loneliness where it was suggested that hunger and loneliness are spurred on by the same need in a person’s brain. When our tummy tells our brain it needs nourishment, we act on that need, but do we act on our need for connection when we’re lonely?
Like many of you, my yearning for connection grew by leaps and bounds the past three years. With very little recourse, my personal world became smaller and smaller, and although my husband is great company day-in and day-out (for over 23 years now) I still craved interaction with others. Then the world opened up and doing something and going somewhere finally became an option.
But I was still lonely and didn’t know how to satisfy that hunger.
I have very few friends nearby. It seems once a person no longer goes to work each day, exhausts their desirous volunteer activities, and their neighbors move away, there are fewer opportunities to make healthy connections. I have a literal ache to make friends and spend quality time with them. I am happy to say that for the past three months, I have found that connection at a weekly class offered by the city in which I live.
The class is a combination of Tai Chi with the healthy addition of maintaining physical balance in ones’ later years. I turn seventy years old next month so it stands to reason that seeking better balance would be high on my priority list. I am receiving the benefits of such exercise with the added benefit of meeting new people and spending time with them. The twenty students in the class are all of a certain age, the youngest being 50 and the oldest appears to be in their 80s.
None of us students have perfected the art of Tai Chi. We will no doubt never reach the perfection of form demonstrated by our teacher Julie, but as she emphasizes each and every class session, “You do you” and that is exactly what I am doing.
The need to connect is still there. There are some deeper connections in the class I hope to make. But if I hadn’t sought that initial connection, the possibility of gaining a deeper connection would have no chance of happening. I guess a good way of summing up matters is to say that if I hadn’t done my part, I would still be as isolated as I was before, and suffering the same mental health deficit I felt at the beginning of this year. As Yoda of Star Wars movie franchise fame so succinctly said:
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
If you don’t set a goal, you’ll never reach it. If you don’t ask, you’ll never receive. We only have one life to live. Please don’t let it expire without your participation.
You do you.
How Are You Today?
The only thing I want to say is that:
You are enough.
You are worthy.
Any difficulties you are currently experiencing will get better in time because…
Nothing is permanent.
Be well. Get well. Stay well.
Communication 101
Evidently, the Egyptians were one of the first civilizations to invent writing. It looks as though their characterizations on stone are being repeated in the 21st century with varying emojis depicting anything from a pile of something we would prefer not to step in, to a happy face that makes everyone within its purview HAPPY as a result!
Many of us grew up with clear instructions on how to firstly, pencil individual printed letters to perfection, then we graduated to a stylus of sorts and carefully curved those same letters into cursive form – a form that appears to have become a lost art for far too many people whose primary mode of “writing” is texting. And because texting has become a primary mode of correspondence, I’ve come to find it very rewarding when I receive a full-fledged email “letter” minus the LOLs, CUL8Rs, and BTWs.
So, who’s right: you and I who communicate with letters, greeting cards, and even person-to-person telephone calls, or the rest of the world with there/their hastily misspelled 5-word message that will just have to pass for a gripping conversation?
I’m willing to concede that we’re both right, because in my mind, as long as communication lines are wide open, I will be happy and genuinely grateful to be on the receiving end of even the most terse message. If I receive a heart emoji text from a younger person as their way of telling me they were thinking of me, I’ll celebrate that I was thought of and that someone took the time to hug me with their equivalent of a piece of personal correspondence.
I guess what I’m saying is, writing can mean whatever you want it to mean – as long as you don’t forget me – or your loved ones – in the process. This post assembles 26 different letters placed together to make some sort of sense to the reader, and to make some sort of difference in the lives of those who have an opportunity to read it. It would be difficult for me to write this post if I was limited in the manner in which I tried to communicate with you, but, if need be, I guess I would figure out how to work within those limits just so you and I could keep the lines of communication open.
THE BOTTOM LINE: I don’t want to lose touch with those about whom I care deeply, and if being in touch with them means text messages or emojis between us? Count me in.
Elemental Truths Behind Behavior
When there is spoiling in the world – whether found in the air, the ground itself, the water, or in the destructive power of fire – quality of life is seriously reduced in the spoiling.
There are other ways to spoil the world, however; spoiling that occurs as a result of words spoken or not spoken; of kindnesses withheld and cruelties expended. Just like earth’s elements, words and actions can cause grievous harm – or they can heal.
Earth. Fire. Air. Water. My research on these four elements revealed an interesting outcome: all four elements have the power to cleanse.
Additionally, the following qualities are attributed to these elements:
- Earth: order, structure, and stability.
- Fire: warmth, transformation, and the enabling of life.
- Water: healing and regeneration.
- Air: communication, intelligence, and harmony.
The world seems to have experienced a serious reduction in the level of qualities attributed to these elements. The unfortunate divisions that have always separated us appear to have widened and deepened, fueling a battle that should have never been raged.
We are not charged with making the entire world a better place in which to live – each of us need only attend to our miniscule corner of the world to accomplish such a task. It is my hope that the words we choose and the actions we take bring about a much-needed purification of this Earth, which leads me to this challenge for me and for you:
Do all the good that you can, in all the places you can, in all the ways that you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, for as long as you can. – John Wesley
Important Words That Start With “C”
CATASTROPHIZE
This is me in a nutshell: I tend to major on the minor and make mountains out of mole hills. Feel a slight twinge in my back? Oh no, my back is totally messed up! Detect an unverified slight from a friend? Darn, what have I said or not said that has caused this perceived rift between us? Let me tell you, I’m working on better handling these types of incidents, but please know I have yet to excel at doing so.
COMMUNITY
On a more positive note, I love this word and all that it means according to the Oxford dictionary: a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. I would like to say, however, that this definition does not need to be limited to having identical characteristics with everyone with whom we come in contact, rather, that we are like-minded enough to want the best for others…kind of a Golden Rule way of living.
CAREGIVER
Many of us will find ourselves in the role of a caregiver, just as I did for my father who died from Alzheimer’s disease in 2007. Regardless of the malady, this is a role for which few are prepared: a learn-as-you-go experience filled with failed attempts and far too few successes. I wrote a novel about my family’s dementia experience, Requiem for the Status Quo. Doing so was my way of trying to benefit others who might find themselves in a similar caregiving role.
COPE
Dealing with a difficult situation is not something all of us do handily, nor should we have to. Countless times I have come through troubling times because of the assistance of others. Having been on the receiving end of such generosity, I endeavor to extend similar generosity to others. This suggests one of my previous C-words, community, that certainly has within its purview the act of reaching out to others to meet their needs.
CONSCIENCE
Oh my, a guilty conscience is something all of us have experienced in our lives, and not necessarily brought about by laws or rules that have been broken. Rather, speaking for myself, my conscience has been pricked because I failed to meet a need I could have easily fulfilled caused by an act of selfishness on my part. There are countless examples I could recount but rather than paint a picture of me being a horrible person – as opposed to being a normal person with selfish tendencies – I will just say that when our gut tells us we’ve been less than giving to others, if we pay attention, we will no doubt find countless opportunities to make up for that oversight.
CONSIDERATE
My goodness, I sense a trend in my selection of C-words, but I guess I’ll just go with it. Being careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others certainly sounds like a worthy goal in one’s day-to-day life. I want to believe that none of us are inconsiderate on purpose but, as referenced in my expository paragraph on the conscience, we’ve all missed the mark from time to time. For example, we’ve all been hurt by others, and although our knee-jerk reaction may be to inflict similar harm back at the offending person, doing so won’t make us feel better (well, maybe for just a few minutes or so) but any long-lasting benefit will be fleeting. Better yet to balance out the scales by turning the other cheek which may not have an effect on the offender but will most definitely affect the person choosing to turn their cheek.
CUDDLE
I want to close out this discussion by incorporating the aforementioned six words into this final paragraph: When life gets us down, we can catastrophize or we can search for the fellowship found in community that many, especially the downtrodden family caregiver, could use in order to better cope with the stresses faced by individuals on this planet. When our conscience is eased after soulful moments that leave us more considerate than not, perhaps we’ll exercise self-compassion by giving ourselves a cuddle wrapped up in forgiveness for our shortcomings.
In the history of mankind, no one has been proved perfect in every thought, word, and deed, so be kind to yourself. After all, you’re only human and I assure you, you are in very good company.
Good Wins Out
The bad do not win – not finally, no matter how loud they are. We simply would not be here if that were so. You are made, fundamentally, from the good. With this knowledge, you never march alone. You are the breaking news of the century. You are the good who has come forward through it all, even if so many days feel otherwise.
Alberto Rios, from A House Called Tomorrow
I believe this statement to be true; believing otherwise would not serve me well. Be well. Stay well. You’ve got this people.
Spoken and Unspoken: Words Matter
- Words said in anger and without consideration of others matter.
- Withheld words that would have provided encouragement and affirmation certainly matter.
- Unloving words that we say to ourselves – berating, judging, unkind – matter a great deal.
Words matter: they always have, they always will. Choose your words wisely.
Be Kind to Yourself
Being kind to yourself is most definitely a serious matter. You deserve to be treated with the same gentleness you would treat others for whom you care.
If the Holidays have gotten to you, do what is needed to bring some calm and control back into your life, even if that means disappointing others. Again, you matter just as much as those you might have to disappoint, so I would advise you to try a little kindness toward yourself, a kindness you so very much deserve.
And if you’re doing absolutely well right now and can exercise some outward gentleness, check in on individuals who might need a reminder that they matter and that someone was thinking of them. You don’t have to make a huge effort – especially if doing so depletes your own reserves – but a phone call, a text, or a hello in passing – could mean the difference between making their day and not.
Do what you can, and start with yourself.
Invisible People
Our 91 year old neighbor, Betty, was taken to a local hospital by my friend/neighbor who lives across the street from her. Betty had medical symptoms that needed attention for a few nights in the hospital, but she is now back home.
Many of us nearby are very familiar with Betty who energetically walks her dog, Teddy, through the hilly streets of our very rural neighborhood outside of Seattle. This neighbor does not have the best hearing so oftentimes, when having a street side conversation with her, everyone can hear of which we speak several houses away.
However, that’s not important. What is important is that all of us younger neighbors – I’m a mere 69 yo – leaped into action to make sure she was getting the attention she needed at the hospital. Betty has no living family – one of the hazards of living a long life, I guess. She lives in a mother-in-law suite in a house owned by a lovely couple. They were on point with Betty at the hospital and my friend/neighbor who lives across the street from Betty talked to her by phone daily – passing along greetings from people such as myself, as well as from those who are emotionally connected with her.
During one such call, my neighbor told her that I and other neighbors had asked about her. Did that make Betty’s day? You bet it did. Just knowing people care does a body good. No one wants to be or feel invisible, and sometimes the elderly do fall into that unfortunate category. Betty is not invisible, she has actively engaged with her neighbors for many years, but there are those of a certain age and in other populations who do fall between the cracks. We did not let our elderly neighbor fade into invisibleness.
One thing that never changes. People. And how people love to connect with other people. We are built for community. The only way to tackle momentous challenges is together. From the novel LET IT SNOW, by Beth Moran
Thirty Second Friendships
I’m the person who waves, but I’m also the person who waves back. I just can’t help myself, especially when a young child is concerned.
Ever since I became a grandmother back in 2017, I can’t resist waving and talking to a youngster while said youngster is accompanied by their parental unit – I’m just so enamored by kiddos. Caveat: prior to attaining grandparenthood, I just couldn’t be bothered, but I am a reformed woman.
But it’s not just the youngsters with whom I engage; I can’t help but engage all age groups in friendly conversation. I crave the connection and I am shameless in my efforts to satisfy that craving.
Maybe you’re among the many who hope beyond all hope that when you encounter the stranger that is me, no conversational effort will be required on your part. Sorry to disappoint you, but if you’re in my sights, I’m reaching out to become your 30-second friend.
BE WELL. STAY WELL, Y’ALL.
Life’s Challenges
Family Caregiving ChallengesBecause we’re alive, we will always be challenged in life. Sometimes those challenges involve medical issues – as a patient or as a family caregiver as depicted in the novel REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO.
Changing the status quo of our beliefsOther times, those challenges pertain to functioning in an appropriate manner in the diverse country in which we live, such as those found in the novel, A JAGGED JOURNEY.
I wrote these two novels in an effort to meet those challenges and did so by putting personal caregiving experiences and community observations down on paper.
Both novels are very reasonably priced, regardless of the format readers choose. May you, or someone you know, benefit from my literary efforts.
May Peace Be Your Portion
AS SUMMER WINDS DOWN, MANY OF US ARE TRANSITIONING TO LIFE CHANGES THAT AREN’T ALWAYS EASILY TOLERATED: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, NEW JOBS, RELOCATING TO A NEW AREA OF THE COUNTRY.
WHATEVER TRANSITION YOU FACE, MAY PEACE BE YOUR PORTION AS YOU SETTLE INTO YOUR NEW NORMAL.
What Are You Reading?
I wrote and published my first novel, REQUIEM FOR THE STATUS QUO, in 2017. This novel was a work of love to fictionalize the experience my family went through after my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. It’s not just about my family, however, it’s about other people who were unfortunate enough to fall into the category of being a family dementia caregiver. I met them, and sufficiently altered their stories so others could benefit from what was arguably one of the most difficult chapters of their lives.
But it’s not all gloom and doom. So many of the reviews written about my book describe how this novel not only acted as a user-friendly caregiver guide of sorts, but it also stoked the fires of hope that had fizzled out over time.
I sat on A JAGGED JOURNEY for a few years before I realized that its time had come and the story I brought forth within its pages was a story of every-person. We have all had not-so-proud moments in our lives – some of us more than others – but we have also managed to climb out of those times and made decisions in our lives for which we were grateful.
If you are looking for a novel that you can sink your teeth into and walk away as a satisfied reader, please consider one or both of my novels. They are VERY reasonably priced on Amazon and if your local bookstore does not have it in stock, they can certainly order it for you.
I thank you in advance for considering my literary offerings.
One Size Does Not Fit All
I don’t want an ongoing set schedule of activities – whether volunteer and/or personally entertaining – because my husband and I want the flexibility of being available for the younger members of our family whose parents just might need our involvement. A onesie-twosie activity is what I seek to improve my Quality of Life (QoL).
Whatever I do must be beneficial to those involved. Most of us are experts at wasting time – perhaps I’m the CEO of that effort – so I don’t want to do, just to be doing. I want to increase the value in someone else’s day, while also boosting my mental health and well-being.
It seems strange seeking connection at a time when the world is in a downward viral spiral – or is it an upward viral spiral? Anyway, as social beings, we’re all looking for SOMETHING, and I’m one of those social beings. The final QoL post in this series simply lets you know that my fuller life might not look like yours, and what’s so marvelous about making choices that matter to us, is that as individuals with a free will, we get to choose as we please.
One size doesn’t fit all, but isn’t it grand that the only size that matters is the one that fits us?
Still Figuring it Out
The lessons I need to learn in order to live a fuller life are becoming clearer and clearer in my heart and in my mind. My experience has been that when awareness of a need kicks in, hope tends to get kicked into overdrive. 😁
May your own journey treat you with the kindness and diligence you so deserve.
The Fruit of Independence
Independence means so many things, and it’s not just tied into an American holiday that’s celebrated every July 4th.
As an independent person, I am free to think and behave in such a way as to benefit others, or harm them. I choose to always benefit person-kind.
As the above photo clearly illustrates, we have much from which to choose in seeking to bless others. Pick all of the above fruit in one day, every day, or choose the one-a-day plan – whichever suits you and is most likely to become a habit.
May you pluck all that is necessary from this tree so the greater good can be accomplished near and far.
Deathbed promises and how to fulfill them
Here’s a post from the past that draws lots of attention. Bringing it into the present today.
First of all – take a deep breath and shed the mantle of guilt you’re wearing. Now let’s address your dilemma.
When your father was on his deathbed you made a promise to take care of your mother in her old age. Now she is at the point of not being able to care for herself and you realize that you’re absolutely not cut out for – nor are you capable of – taking her under your roof to provide the care that she needs. What’s a dutiful son or daughter to do?
I’m not advocating that you break your promise to your father but I am suggesting that you consider redefining what that promise looks like. You promised your father that you would take care of your mother and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. aking care of your mother is not solely defined as moving her into your home and taking care of all her basic needs until she dies. Very few people have the ability or the means to provide 24-hour care in their home. You made that promise with the best intentions and you can still honor your promise without dishonoring your father. Keep in mind that loving your mother doesn’t guarantee your success as her caregiver. Even adult children with a fabulous relationship with their parent struggle greatly in their efforts. And if your relationship with your mother is tenuous at best, try picturing the scenario of you as caregiver and her as recipient of that care. What effect will that have on her, you, and the remainder of your household?
Let’s clarify how best to care for your mother.
Why can’t caring for your mother mean that you’re honest enough to admit that you’re not the best caregiving option? Do your best to find the care alternative that will provide her an optimal quality of life, e.g. adult daycare, errand and housekeeping services, assisted living. Do the research and consult the experts to confidently fulfill your promise to your father by securing the best care solution for your mother. If that solution involves selecting an assisted living facility, there are many resources available to you that can make this move a successful one for everyone involved. As her son or daughter you will be able to lovingly help her transition into a residential location with like-minded older adults where she can receive the care that will fulfill the promise you made to your father.
Now imagine the NEW normal that your mother and your family can experience.
Your mother lives nearby in an assisted living residence. She has companions with whom she enjoys spending time. She receives three wholesome meals a day and when she, or you, feel like seeing each other, you’re just a short drive away! The time she spends at your house will be as a pampered visitor – not an inpatient (or impatient) relative. It’s probably difficult right now for you to see this as a viable option, but I think in time, you’ll find that everyone, including your father, will be pleased with the outcome.
Here are some links to get you started on your quest: www.alz.org; www.caregiver.com; www.ltcombudsman.org
Do Little, Rather than Nothing
I’ve written about this topic before: Positive community activism; Spineless inaction: the bystander effect; Your positive imprint on mankind.
And I’m writing about it again, but I’m going to let Dr. Bernie S. Siegel be my mouthpiece on this one because he addresses the importance of making a difference in the lives of others in this excerpt from: 365 Prescriptions for the Soul. Here’s the selection verbatim:
SAND DOLLARS
It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little; do what you can. -Sydney Smith
Perhaps you have heard the story about the boy on the beach throwing washed-up sand dollars back into the water. A man walks by and asks, “Why are you doing that? There are thousands of them washed up. You can’t make a difference.”
The boy picks one up and throws it back into the ocean, “I did for that one.”
Remember, by changing one life you change the world. Every action has its effects. So make a difference and help someone get back into the ocean of life. You need not risk your life carrying them through the surf, but find out what they need to get back into the swim. Then help them do it.
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Living: the ultimate team sport 