Quality of Life
Love in Living Color
What a privilege it is to love someone and be loved by them. There’s a reason why there are so many dating/relationship services out there: we crave connection, and happily-ever-after is a worthy goal to pursue.
I’m fortunate that my current 29-year relationship (married for 25 of those 29) quite naturally fell into place. Girl meets boy on a blind date set up by a dating site; girl and boy decide to get together for another date, and…the rest is history!
No one disputed my choice of a partner with whom I held hands, smooched in public, and eventually enjoyed full intimacy. That is not always the case, whether a partner is of a different race, financial standing, or of the same gender identity. I experienced racial hatred when I married my first husband who is Chinese American. As a newly married couple, we walked hand-in-hand on a weekend outing in an Eastern Washington town where we were verbally accosted by a woman who shouted, “Thou shalt not mix races! You are an abomination to God!” I very unpolitely told her off and went on my way with my husband, enjoying the love we had already shared for more than eight years. That was 50 years ago, and I am still negatively affected by it. Many are harassed and abused in a similar manner because of the love they share with someone, harassment that takes many forms.
In the early 90s, I was privileged to work at a progressive Seattle law firm where one of my coworkers, a woman, was in a relationship with another woman. The two of them had certainly experienced discrimination but expressed that for the most part they had been fortunate. I asked my coworker how she and her partner had met. “Susan is who I fell in love with and she with me. It’s all about who you fall in love with.” That made sense to me and still does.
What also makes sense is living one’s truth and genuineness about who you are as an individual, and with whom you choose to share your life. Being who you are with someone else is rife with hurdles, regardless of your gender, but truly there is no other way to be. No ifs, ands, or buts – being safely and securely transparent in a relationship is a gift! What a privilege it is to live honestly, not having to pretend to be someone else, not living a cloaked identity just to be accepted by others.
I experience that freedom, and wish that same freedom for everyone seeking connection, love, and happily-ever-after.
May it be so.
Our Words Count
I know words count because I recently experienced one word that means so much. Get a load of this! That one Hawaiian word, ALOHA, is packed with goodness. Not only does it mean “Hello” but it also means:
- Love
- Affection
- Peace
- Compassion
- Mercy
That one word has a deeper cultural and spiritual significance to native Hawaiians for whom the term is used to define a force that holds together existence.
Am I the only one who thinks there may be a need for such a force in the world at large and specifically to where each of us are located?
I thought not. I even wrote about this same topic in the online Australian Publication in which I have a byline each issue: Grandparents Day Magazine. Spread the word!
There isn’t a person on this earth who couldn’t benefit from what Aloha has to offer. I think many of us think that only grandiose acts of kindness can have an impact. We might say, “How can just saying hello to someone or opening the door for them make a difference in a person’s day?” My answer to that is: “How did you feel when someone extended those kindnesses to you?” Exactly. It made you feel acknowledged and cared for.
A very good friend of mine calls these mini connections GLIMMERS. As a matter of fact, I recently wrote a blog piece Glimmers of Friendship, that elaborates on how some accidental meetings just might make the difference between having an improved day or not.
You and I can make a difference just by embodying Aloha in our everyday interactions. It might take some practice on our part, but if practice makes perfect, then let me commit to practicing my heart out.
The Value of Connection
How well do you know the person who bags your groceries on a weekly basis? I am here to encourage you to engage with staff you see every week because the rewards to you, and the staff, are immeasurable.
The other day my husband and I said goodbye to our favorite grocery bagger, “Steven.” We saw Steven every week for a few years, and each time we did so – and after a certain measure of trust was established between customer and staff person – Steven opened up more and more to us. We shared grandchild stories while he shared tidbits about his hobbies and his later in life dating adventures.
But the other day, just a couple days before he moved across the country to help out his daughter in her hardware store business, he honored us by walking our groceries out to our car and then opened up like never before when I asked him how long he had worked at that Redmond, Washington area grocery store. His response floored us.
Steven revealed that he started working at the store six years ago, a couple years after he had survived, and been rehabilitated from, a brain aneurysm that didn’t quite stop him dead in his tracks. As a 50-something year old adult, he had to learn everything from scratch. Prior to this severe medical event, Steven was a professor of industrial engineering at a Washington university. Now he bags groceries, which, let me tell you, is a noble profession, especially during all the pandemic and other world events that pitted frontline workers in the midst of disarray and uncertainty.
My husband and I were shocked by his revelation given that we didn’t detect anything medically abnormal about this now 60-something year old gentleman. We never knew about the challenges he endured and overcame; we simply enjoyed our weekly interactions with him and quite frankly, felt those interactions were the highlight of each week’s mundane shopping trips. We were not looking forward to his planned move out of the state.
Opening up and being transparent with others is a vulnerable thing to do and shows a strength that many do not possess.
Once our groceries were loaded into our vehicle we visited with Steven some more and when it was time for him to head back into the store, the three of us exchanged goodbye hugs. We will miss this valuable connection but are happy that the state of Indiana will now get to benefit from this stellar human being we had come to know.
Just Checking In With You
How many times in a lifetime are we asked: How are you?
How many times have we answered: Fine.
How many times has that not been a true statement? Probably lots and lots of times.
We don’t always feel fine, and when I say “feel” I don’t just mean the physical or medical definition of fine. How about emotionally? How about the complicated psychological aspects that are tied in with how each of us is handling life as it presents itself to us?
Our confidence or lack thereof. Our sense of safety or danger in any given hour of every day. Our ability to cope when coping feels like the least practiced skill available to us.
I would suggest that each of us check in with those individuals within our sphere of influence: spouse or partner, neighbor, coworker, and friend, so that we assure the person we are querying that we really want to know and that they can be as transparent as they are comfortable being.
When we get in the practice of honestly inquiring about each other, it is my hope that our responses will be equally as honest so that dialogue, true dialogue will take place.
I hope that you are fine, but if you’re not, it’s okay to say so.
More Good News!
Last week I wrote a post about something terrific that happened to me while traveling recently. This post spotlights another terrific instance that took place at the commencement of our travels.
Our scheduled ride share failed to show up at our house to take us to the airport.
That certainly doesn’t sound like good news, does it? WELL, my husband and I had never used a ride share but wanted to do so for our most recent trip. Rather than drive our own vehicle to an offsite airport parking lot, we decided to enter the 21st century and hire a lift like so many other people routinely do. A couple weeks before our intended airport commute, we expressed our fear of doing so to our neighbor who immediately offered to be our backup should anything get in the way of the driver getting us to our intended destination. The day before our travel day, we scheduled the driver to pick us up at 7 the following morning.
Fifteen minutes before the driver was scheduled to arrive, they called me to say that their vehicle was slipping and sliding all over the road (it had snowed a bit the night before) and they didn’t know when they would arrive at our house. We both agreed that the scheduled ride needed to be cancelled. That left me needing to contact my next door neighbor at 6:57 am to ask if he could take us to the airport – a destination that was a good hour away.
I’ll be at your place in ten minutes.
Yep! He had chosen to monitor his phone starting at 7 am just in case he was needed so he was awake and ready to roll if called upon.
What started as a stressful travel day turned into an exercise in appreciating the goodness that exists just over the hedge/fence. We certainly knew our neighbors were the best neighbors ever and this incident confirmed what we already knew.
So if you’re looking for some good news to brighten your day, look no further than someone who just might be a stone’s throw away.
Make Good News
I recently had the opportunity to see an extraordinary bit of good news unfurl right before my eyes. My husband and I recently traveled by airplane for our 25th wedding anniversary trip. From my seat in the plane I could view everyone else entering the airplane as they were greeted by flight attendants. A woman walked through the plane’s portal and handed the flight attendants a box of See’s chocolates. I figured she must also be in the industry and gifted her fellow flight attendants with a gift.
At our airport destination’s baggage claim area, this same woman was waiting for her luggage just as we were waiting for ours. I walked up to her and said, “Can I ask you a question?” She nodded a yes. “Did you know those flight attendants you gifted with a box of candy?” Her response, “No. When I fly, I always give the attendants a box of chocolates to thank them for the difficult job they do.” I then put my hand to my heart and said, “Thank you for making my day. What a lovely act of kindness you are in the practice of giving.”
Kindness doesn’t have to be a grandiose effort to make a difference.
You Exist, And I Am Glad
We have all averted our eyes from an uncomfortable site, which is probably something different for each and every one of us. But there is more to that thought than meets the eye. Seeing eye to eye doesn’t have to mean that we agree or understand everything a person stands for, rather, it could mean seeing and acknowledging the existence of he/she/they, regardless of their standing in life, their race or ethnicity, their religious beliefs, or their me-ness.
Acceptance is defined by the Oxford dictionary as: The action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
Don’t get me wrong, I am the first to say that I don’t love everyone with whom I come in contact because I haven’t known everyone with whom I come in contact for a long enough period of time to develop such a feeling.
With that said, however, even if I don’t agree with everything and everyone’s viewpoint, I don’t pretend for a second that everyone should change to meet my requirements, however adopt-worthy, nebulous, or ethereal they may be. Choice comes into play when applied to others, just as it does when applied to me.
I have never been a fan of clubs or organizations that are limiting in their scope.
For me, once you start doing that, exclusivity takes on an ugly appearance and one’s status becomes either elitist or not noteworthy. Ugh, how horrible that must feel to be in the latter category.
That is why when I look someone in the eye, I will give them the benefit of the doubt and let a far higher power than I handle the rest. I don’t want to be the judge or the jury during this limited lifespan I have been given. So here I am. Judge for yourself.
You Can Never Have Too Much Hope
When Senator Gabby Giffords was shot at a campaign meet-and-greet and her future as a healthy human being was in severe jeopardy, a news reporter asked her husband, former astronaut Mark Kelly who is now the senior senator from Arizona, the following question when he expressed his extremely positive beliefs about his wife’s recovery, and I paraphrase:
Mark, don’t you think you’re hoping for too much?
His response, and again I paraphrase:
You can never have too much hope!
I have to believe that hope never disappoints. Let’s face it, the alternative, hopelessness, is far from an ideal state of being. Whatever you are going through, I hope that hope never stops growing within your heart and your mind.
Aging is a Privilege
Yes, it is.
No doubt each of us can name a friend or loved one who died younger than they should have. For me, it’s my sister-in-law, Wendy, who died of cancer and never got to meet her daughter’s children nor witness her son’s wedding; and my son-in-law’s father, David, who also died of cancer and not only didn’t get to see his children get married but also missed out on being grandpa to his son’s two children. Although it was years ago now, we are still feeling the after effects.
This body of mine has certainly inspired some complaints on my part; all those aches and pains and the inability to get up off the floor when playing with my grandkids without much fanfare. But I get to play with my grandkids on the floor. What a gift!
I am still here and Wendy and David are not so I will honor them both by not complaining too loudly when the privilege of aging has been granted to me and not granted to those two stellar human beings.
That sure gives me pause, as I am certain it does you where your losses are concerned.
Bless you all.
Acknowledge the Good News that Exists
I think we can all agree that we are surrounded by bad news stories. We need not look any further than a pop-up notification on our phones to catch BREAKING or HEADLINE news that is rarely good.
I am as guilty as any other consumer in that I have recently paid more attention to the yucky happenings in my world than the good that already exists. You and I can certainly find some delightful happenings right in our own backyard, can’t we?
Seeing as I live in the United States that was in a very contentious election season that played out this very month, I have relished the opportunity to look for even the smallest of victories that come my way so as to lighten the emotional load that too often clouds my view of the world.
So here are a few positive incidents I had the privilege of recently celebrating:
- My husband and I celebrated having met each other on a blind date 28 years ago that changed our lives in such a very good way.
- Our two grandchildren have thus far managed to stay healthy, even though their school sessions started a few months ago. That’s a record because as most of us know, schools can be regular germ factories!
- On top of that, two of our adult children are teachers in the local school system, and they too have stayed healthy. Let me tell you, that is good news worth celebrating!!
- Our oldest daughter and her husband will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in just a month’s time and our youngest daughter and her husband recently celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary!
- The home of one of my nieces who lives in the region of the United States that was hard-hit by one of the recent hurricanes suffered physical damage, but my niece, her husband, and their teenage daughter escaped bodily harm. Homes can be repaired, but human bodies aren’t quite as easily fixed. It is now my dream that full restoration for all affected will be forthcoming.
- The two novels I wrote, Requiem for the Status Quo, and A Jagged Journey, continue to receive positive reviews! Requiem is dedicated to all family members caring for their loved ones with dementia. I celebrate that others have been helped by my own challenging experiences that were included in that memoir-like novel and I dream of a world that eradicates Alzheimer’s and all other dementia.
Majoring on the “minors” is a great way of living when positive happenings cross our paths. They are so very important because the more good we acknowledge, the less yucky the bad stuff will seem to be.
Focusing on the good news around us is a healthy way to close out the current year, don’t you think? That’s what I plan on doing because the alternative just doesn’t seem very appetizing to me.
Respite for You and Me
Going on an extensive tropical vacation sure seems like an enviable thing to do, but such destinations aren’t always doable.
But we can dream, can’t we?
Of course we can, and if I learned anything during the worldwide pandemic, it’s that escapes don’t have to be costly and they don’t have to be far, far away.
Let’s talk about a few minimalist escapes that nurture our well-being.
Impromptu Lunch or Dinner Picnic that broadens our view, whether that view is of the water, the mountains, or a flowering bush. Flee the norm to feed your soul and your psyche will thank you! Even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or dinner leftovers taste special when the beholder is treated to a different viewing perspective.
Cabin Fever Drive (CFD). The CFD became the norm for my husband and I during the aforementioned pandemic. We were safe in the confines of our vehicle and when we got out of the vehicle to sit on a rock or a bench out in the open, we used that moment as an opportunity to appreciate all that was and is still available to us. And we had numerous picnics, as described above, while on our CFDs. This escape is still one of our mainstays of enjoyment.
Budget-minded Mini Getaways are so worth it. My husband and I just got back from a change of pace and change of scenery stay on an island just off the coast of Washington state that is a mere 50 miles (80 kilometers) from our home. What really made it special was having the option to take a vehicle ferry to/from the island or split it up by going by ferry one way, and by vehicle the other, the latter of which included a longer drive, but varying the options – and the scenery – really added intrigue to our travel day.
A Walk on the Not So Wild Side. We are avid walkers, and even though we live in a neighborhood that for all intents and purposes is very forest-like, we hop in our car and drive a few miles away just to have a different stomping – or walking – ground for exercise and entertainment. We will even purposely choose an area frequented by tourists just so we can look at our area from their perspective and “meet” individuals from other parts of the country or world simply by bidding them hello and having a brief chat with them. Everyone enjoys a friendly encounter, and we’ve had many!
The bottom line is that we all have ideas of what it would take to escape the norm, and doing so frequently truly provides healthy outings worth pursuing. Life doesn’t have to be droll. We are only limited by our imagination.
Let’s face it, tropical vacations aren’t the only game in town.
How Old Do You Feel?
I sometimes find myself in new circumstances—perhaps a new medical professional’s office—so that when I check in for an appointment the receptionist or the medical assistant invariably say, “Wow! You don’t look seventy years old!” Which begs the question:
What is 70 years old supposed to look like?
Aging is a strange bedfellow, isn’t it? We can’t get away from it, but would we want to? Doesn’t that bring about a lethal alternative?
Former model, Cindy Joseph said, “Aging is just another word for living.”
From all outward appearances, I look to be in good shape: I’m not overweight, I more or less stand upright (even though I’ve lost 2 inches of height over the past 10 years), I don’t leave the house in inappropriate clothing, and most of the time I remember to put on a pair of earrings in the lobes that were pierced 57 years ago as a teenager. Yep, for all intents and purposes, I present myself as being in pretty darn good shape for a seventy-year-old. But as we all know, outward appearances don’t tell the whole story, do they?
What no one can see is what is going on inside of my seventy-year-old brain. No one sees the worries and the fears that keep me awake at night or that keep me secluded in my home because I don’t feel comfortable driving long distances—especially on freeways—by myself. The receptionist at the medical office isn’t aware of my perfectionistic tendencies that create “What ifs” that need not be addressed but that I revisit over and over and over again in my effort to get things just right.
She or he has no sense of the terror that fills me when a neighborhood dog approaches me that, even though on-leash, I fear may take a chunk out of my leg like the “harmless” dog that did so in my same neighborhood twenty years before.
I am touching on these elements of my life that I am certain exist in many people regardless of their age, simply to point out that appearances can be deceiving. That just because someone presents themselves as in stellar shape doesn’t mean they are 100% healthy. Mental health is health, and without it, fullness of well-being does not exist. Thank goodness we are all becoming more aware of the mental health piece so that the stigma oftentimes attached to it is less pronounced than it was in times past.
I am not at all ashamed to speak of such matters because I know I am not alone. I take pride in the fact that I expend just as much energy to maintain my mental health as I do my bodily health, and apparently, it shows. The way I look at it—my physical body shouldn’t get all the attention, right?
My wish for you is that you nurture your mind just as much as you do your body. Aging isn’t for wimps, and I doubt very seriously that any of you would choose to fall into that wimpy category. Rock on everyone and celebrate the proof of life that your age has afforded you.
December Prescription
REST.
RECUPERATE.
RESTORE.
Please know that you need not overbook yourself this month – when we usually feel we have no choice but to do so – nor do you need to do so in any future month. This message is brief but I hope it lands with you. If you don’t matter, no one matters.
How To Keep Going
The writer Anne Lamott really nailed it on the head with this sentiment. I certainly get up and walk and I also fall down…fortunately not the physical type, but definitely the emotional type of falling down, but do I keep dancing through my days regardless?
I can’t say that I do.
Mind you, I always recover because after 70 years on this earth, I have proven to be quite resilient and although the recovery period takes longer than I would want, somehow or other I have survived every horrible day or event I have encountered in my life. In my birthday post, I mentioned the living milestones one encounters after 70 years which also included the number of breaths to my name as of my birthdate: 434,350,000, and the breaths keep adding up! But that’s not enough for me; what else can I do?
I can stop letting the stresses of life get in the way of my dancing.
I may not dance in the literal sense, but I can decide to shake off the intricacies of the world around me so that my health and well-being aren’t adversely affected. That does not mean that I don’t care about those intricacies – trust me, I lose considerable sleep over the caring that I harbor – but I will be a better participant in this life if I let my spirit and psyche dance a bit more than not.
And if doing so rubs off on others? All the better, so I will dance, dance, dance.
Breathing Easy
I previously posted, here, about what it takes to make it to seventy-years-old but I left out one statistic which I now provide to you on this American holiday, Labor Day.
Based on statistics of taking 17,000 breaths a day, when I turned 70 earlier this summer I had already taken 434,350,000 breaths. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty darn impressive. One need not be an Olympic athlete, or any athlete for that matter, for the breaths to still add up.
One breath at a time. That is all that is needed, today, and every day.
Endurance in Action
Many of us of a certain age have endured much throughout our lives, both personally and historically. I have had the right to vote in the United States for fifty-two years. Let me tell you, I have witnessed my share of elections that didn’t go my way and somehow my country has managed to survive, which for some election cycles is really saying a lot. On the other hand, some election results pleased me to no end, allowing me to endure periods of time of seeming ease.
Residents of each country reading this post have faced monumental weather anomalies, financial hardships, and devastating illnesses. If you are reading this piece, you have made it through those disasters and perhaps have wondered how you made it! I’ll tell you right now, there are individual days wherein I have questioned my own ability to do so and yet I woke up every day-after able to call myself a survivor.
As of the date I turned seventy-years-old earlier this summer, I marveled at the fact that my body had rewarded me with daily breath more than 25,500 days in a row. Astounding! And what about the heart? Given an average 100 beats per minute – at least at my age – that equated to 3,672,000,000 beats as of the date I turned 70! WHAT???!!! If that isn’t endurance, I don’t know what is! Thank you, precious heart of mine!
Now I will confess to you that I am a habitual catastrophic thinker (for me that means that I assume the worst rather than the best) so the stats I just gave you are vital tidbits of information I can now add to my evidence list that things are better than I might have assumed them to be. And perhaps such evidence will sufficiently encourage you to increase your own hope quotient so you can find the best, instead of the worst, going forward.
If that is the case, I am absolutely thrilled for you, and I’m thrilled for me as I grab my calculator to figure out how many breaths I’ve taken in the past 25,500 days and counting!
Be well. Stay well, y’all.
The Scariest Thing Ever
THOUGHTS No doubt you have been told that thoughts are just thoughts, that they are not facts. That’s true and we know that to be true, but do we believe it? Rarely. Instead, we let our thoughts consume us, depriving us of calm and making sleep as elusive as winning a big lottery jackpot.
WORRY. ANXIETY. STRESS. ACK!!!!! Everyone has their own “favorite” topic of the aforementioned emotionally distressing occurrences. Health, or lack thereof, is the catalyst for anxiety that is universally experienced, but one need not have that type of fear for ones’ thoughts to take center stage.
Family challenges, financial insecurities, political upheaval. Upcoming life events, whether positive or negative in nature. Socially and emotionally charged incidents. My goodness, the list is interminable! If only we could stop thinking such things!
THE BRAIN DOES WHAT IT’S DESIGNED TO DO I don’t have a magic solution to stop all thought and quite frankly, it’s not possible. Making worthless attempts to stop all thought adds stress, stress adds tension, and tension builds anxiety. Accept that you can’t terminate all thought; personally, that was a very helpful starting point. Acceptance is the key but please know that acceptance does not equate to agreement, rather, it simply means you acknowledge what’s happening and move forward through it without fighting it because…fighting adds stress, stress adds tension, and tension builds anxiety.
ACCEPT THE POSITIVE AND THE NEGATIVE I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of think positive thoughts and all your worries will disappear. Nope, but what I do subscribe to is getting to a place of understanding that nothing is permanent…NOTHING. The bad times wane and, of course, so do the good times. For me, knowing that to be an incontrovertible fact helps me realize that my thoughts aren’t worth investing in. I enjoy the warm fuzzies that positive thoughts give me while trying not to assign too much weight to the negative thoughts that occur unbidden at the most inopportune times, like when I’m trying to fall asleep.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS We know that’s true. Just as the weather changes, so do circumstances. Remember, nothing is permanent, so along with understanding that bad times aren’t permanent, we have to be willing to accept that neither are the good times, and that’s a healthy mentality to have because you can’t have one without the other. Please know, I’ve given this topic an extraordinary amount of thought and have had countless opportunities to practice letting go and letting be, but I am still a work in progress where failure oftentimes outweighs the successes, but practice makes perfect or at least as perfect as us fallible beings can be. You’ve got this my friends. Just as I believe in my ability to wade through all the positive and negative thoughts that fill up my head, I believe in your ability as well. Welcome each opportunity to engage in this practice. Eventually, you and I will get the hang of it and we’ll be better off as a result.
Wisdom: Children
Mr. Fred Rogers had a boat load of wisdom that he passed along during his show Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. With summer approaching and the outdoors calling my name, I am going to share tidbits of his wisdom each week. This inaugural Rogers quote centers on children.
Anyone who does anything to help a child in her or his life is a hero.
Perfection: a misdiagnosed state of being
I celebrate the fact that I am perfectly imperfect. I have no goal of ever being perfect. In my mind, perfection is greatly misdiagnosed when applied to human beings.
- How is human perfection measured? (Humans are involved)
- Whose standards are used? (Human standards)
- Why aim at perfection when doing so can cause comparison and strife that individuals can certainly do without? (Yeah, why?)
Comparison. Ugh, no good can come from such a practice. Whether you compare your life to other people’s lives on social media – or you compare yourself to your neighbor, friend, or enemy – more often than not the measuring rod’s results will not bend in your favor. Why? Because we are hard on ourselves and therefore in our minds will never measure up.
We are individuals and therefore distinctly different from everyone else!
We complement each other; filling in the blanks that quite naturally exist within each of us.
And THAT, my friends, is something worth celebrating: me helping you, you helping me. A definition of:
PERFECTION AT ITS BEST!
Aging Is A Privilege
It won’t be long now.
I’ve been waiting 10 years for this event.
I will have more to say next week.
Please come back then.
Beauty is NOT Skin Deep
True beauty exists in a person who is kind, giving, and loving.
Without a doubt, each person reading this post has encountered outwardly beautiful people who oozed ugliness. We have also witnessed the opposite to be true: the less-than-beautiful acting with extreme ugliness. Genuine beauty exists deep within the heart and the mind.
I’m not telling you anything new and I’m not going to go on and on about this subject other than to say:
Words and actions matter.
PLEASE MAKE YOURS COUNT AS I TRY TO MAKE MINE COUNT AS WELL.
The Suck of Procrastination
Putting off matters is such a common experience for all of us. Speaking for myself, I usually adopt that avoidance behavior when I lack the confidence needed to master the task at hand. It helps to have a deadline but when that deadline is a generous one, chances are attention will be diverted for quite some time.
FOR EXAMPLE: I had 3 years in which to file our amended 2022 tax return.
I thought I had absolutely every form needed to file last year’s taxes and was quite proud of myself for electronically submitting my household’s return using the tax prep software I have used for many, many years. I mean, it was the end of February so any entity that was slated to send me a form would have already done so…right?
WRONG.
Wouldn’t you know it, an errant form from a country other than the United States arrived shortly thereafter which most definitely created the need to file an amended return for the first time in my entire almost 70 years of life.
I researched it. I looked for every possible legal loophole to not have to go down that path, but I discovered there was no way to avoid the dreaded amended tax return process. But I had three years in which to do so, so why rush?
Because the manila folder on my desk containing the 2022 tax files kept mocking me each time I walked past it.
Given the fact that I’m retired and have all the time in the world to travel down the path of tax return hell, I couldn’t even claim busyness to avoid opening up my 2022 electronic file and diving right in. I absolutely knew that the tax prep software would hold my hand through the process but I still took comfort in the fact that I had plenty of time to get ‘er done so why add stress to my somewhat calm life if I didn’t need to?
Because I needed to eliminate the fear that had subconsciously been keeping me awake at night.
On April 5th, 2023, I tackled the software, only to find that it did indeed walk me through the process, and the anticipated pain was minimal at best. Sure, we ended up owing the IRS some money, but the peace of mind experienced having finally stored that manila folder in the file cabinet was worth every penny electronically deposited into the IRS’s bank account.
Compassion and Forgiveness
I learned something very important the other day.
I’ve read lots of articles and listened to numerous podcasts the past few years wherein self-forgiveness and self-compassion are talked about at length. Intellectually, I understood the concept but my heart didn’t catch up until a few days ago so that the IMPORTANT understanding could settle in.
Self-forgiveness is not dependent on rectifying a past action or mistake.
Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, duh – you can’t change the past” but believe me, my previous inability to forgive myself was based on wishing I could change the past and because I could not, forgiveness was not possible. Had a friend experienced a similar faux pas as me, would I castigate her? Would I shame her? No, I would not, so why be a jerk to myself?
Indeed.
I have finally forgiven myself for previously unforgivable mistakes – the ones that still pricked my conscience – and I have become a free woman where those matters are concerned.
My shoulders and my heart have been relieved of a VERY heavy burden.
It’s Now or Never
AND LET ME TELL YOU…I KNOW OF WHAT I SPEAK.
My sister, Mary, was born 8 months before me; my parents adopted her after my mother suffered three miscarriages. As sometimes happens, before the ink was dry on the adoption papers, my mother became pregnant with me. Yay me!!!
Suffice to say, being so close in age, my sister and I grew up together with the same experiences and oftentimes the same friends. We are still very close, even though we don’t live in the same state.
Several years ago, after our mother and father had passed away, my sister located her birth mother, met her, and had a few occasions to get together with her and her other daughters, even though her birth mother lived in eastern Canada and my sister resides in California.
Because I erroneously believed I would have all the time in the world to write a letter to and further communicate with my sister’s biological mother to thank her for placing my sister up for adoption, I missed out on that opportunity because Cathy died a few years after my sister first connected with her.
Cathy’s decision to provide the best possible home for my sister was an extraordinary gift for which I wanted to express my gratitude, but I procrastinated and never told Cathy what a blessing her first daughter is to me. In my recent history, this by far is the biggest regret I harbor in my heart.
Kind words left unsaid benefit no one.
Communication 101
Evidently, the Egyptians were one of the first civilizations to invent writing. It looks as though their characterizations on stone are being repeated in the 21st century with varying emojis depicting anything from a pile of something we would prefer not to step in, to a happy face that makes everyone within its purview HAPPY as a result!
Many of us grew up with clear instructions on how to firstly, pencil individual printed letters to perfection, then we graduated to a stylus of sorts and carefully curved those same letters into cursive form – a form that appears to have become a lost art for far too many people whose primary mode of “writing” is texting. And because texting has become a primary mode of correspondence, I’ve come to find it very rewarding when I receive a full-fledged email “letter” minus the LOLs, CUL8Rs, and BTWs.
So, who’s right: you and I who communicate with letters, greeting cards, and even person-to-person telephone calls, or the rest of the world with there/their hastily misspelled 5-word message that will just have to pass for a gripping conversation?
I’m willing to concede that we’re both right, because in my mind, as long as communication lines are wide open, I will be happy and genuinely grateful to be on the receiving end of even the most terse message. If I receive a heart emoji text from a younger person as their way of telling me they were thinking of me, I’ll celebrate that I was thought of and that someone took the time to hug me with their equivalent of a piece of personal correspondence.
I guess what I’m saying is, writing can mean whatever you want it to mean – as long as you don’t forget me – or your loved ones – in the process. This post assembles 26 different letters placed together to make some sort of sense to the reader, and to make some sort of difference in the lives of those who have an opportunity to read it. It would be difficult for me to write this post if I was limited in the manner in which I tried to communicate with you, but, if need be, I guess I would figure out how to work within those limits just so you and I could keep the lines of communication open.
THE BOTTOM LINE: I don’t want to lose touch with those about whom I care deeply, and if being in touch with them means text messages or emojis between us? Count me in.
Elemental Truths Behind Behavior
When there is spoiling in the world – whether found in the air, the ground itself, the water, or in the destructive power of fire – quality of life is seriously reduced in the spoiling.
There are other ways to spoil the world, however; spoiling that occurs as a result of words spoken or not spoken; of kindnesses withheld and cruelties expended. Just like earth’s elements, words and actions can cause grievous harm – or they can heal.
Earth. Fire. Air. Water. My research on these four elements revealed an interesting outcome: all four elements have the power to cleanse.
Additionally, the following qualities are attributed to these elements:
- Earth: order, structure, and stability.
- Fire: warmth, transformation, and the enabling of life.
- Water: healing and regeneration.
- Air: communication, intelligence, and harmony.
The world seems to have experienced a serious reduction in the level of qualities attributed to these elements. The unfortunate divisions that have always separated us appear to have widened and deepened, fueling a battle that should have never been raged.
We are not charged with making the entire world a better place in which to live – each of us need only attend to our miniscule corner of the world to accomplish such a task. It is my hope that the words we choose and the actions we take bring about a much-needed purification of this Earth, which leads me to this challenge for me and for you:
Do all the good that you can, in all the places you can, in all the ways that you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, for as long as you can. – John Wesley
Important Words That Start With “C”
CATASTROPHIZE
This is me in a nutshell: I tend to major on the minor and make mountains out of mole hills. Feel a slight twinge in my back? Oh no, my back is totally messed up! Detect an unverified slight from a friend? Darn, what have I said or not said that has caused this perceived rift between us? Let me tell you, I’m working on better handling these types of incidents, but please know I have yet to excel at doing so.
COMMUNITY
On a more positive note, I love this word and all that it means according to the Oxford dictionary: a feeling of fellowship with others as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. I would like to say, however, that this definition does not need to be limited to having identical characteristics with everyone with whom we come in contact, rather, that we are like-minded enough to want the best for others…kind of a Golden Rule way of living.
CAREGIVER
Many of us will find ourselves in the role of a caregiver, just as I did for my father who died from Alzheimer’s disease in 2007. Regardless of the malady, this is a role for which few are prepared: a learn-as-you-go experience filled with failed attempts and far too few successes. I wrote a novel about my family’s dementia experience, Requiem for the Status Quo. Doing so was my way of trying to benefit others who might find themselves in a similar caregiving role.
COPE
Dealing with a difficult situation is not something all of us do handily, nor should we have to. Countless times I have come through troubling times because of the assistance of others. Having been on the receiving end of such generosity, I endeavor to extend similar generosity to others. This suggests one of my previous C-words, community, that certainly has within its purview the act of reaching out to others to meet their needs.
CONSCIENCE
Oh my, a guilty conscience is something all of us have experienced in our lives, and not necessarily brought about by laws or rules that have been broken. Rather, speaking for myself, my conscience has been pricked because I failed to meet a need I could have easily fulfilled caused by an act of selfishness on my part. There are countless examples I could recount but rather than paint a picture of me being a horrible person – as opposed to being a normal person with selfish tendencies – I will just say that when our gut tells us we’ve been less than giving to others, if we pay attention, we will no doubt find countless opportunities to make up for that oversight.
CONSIDERATE
My goodness, I sense a trend in my selection of C-words, but I guess I’ll just go with it. Being careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others certainly sounds like a worthy goal in one’s day-to-day life. I want to believe that none of us are inconsiderate on purpose but, as referenced in my expository paragraph on the conscience, we’ve all missed the mark from time to time. For example, we’ve all been hurt by others, and although our knee-jerk reaction may be to inflict similar harm back at the offending person, doing so won’t make us feel better (well, maybe for just a few minutes or so) but any long-lasting benefit will be fleeting. Better yet to balance out the scales by turning the other cheek which may not have an effect on the offender but will most definitely affect the person choosing to turn their cheek.
CUDDLE
I want to close out this discussion by incorporating the aforementioned six words into this final paragraph: When life gets us down, we can catastrophize or we can search for the fellowship found in community that many, especially the downtrodden family caregiver, could use in order to better cope with the stresses faced by individuals on this planet. When our conscience is eased after soulful moments that leave us more considerate than not, perhaps we’ll exercise self-compassion by giving ourselves a cuddle wrapped up in forgiveness for our shortcomings.
In the history of mankind, no one has been proved perfect in every thought, word, and deed, so be kind to yourself. After all, you’re only human and I assure you, you are in very good company.
Better Today Than Yesterday
A handcrafted multi-colored rug in a marketplace is a completed work of art – a masterpiece if you will – but the work-in-progress is certainly a far cry from any semblance of cohesive beauty. But it is still a beautiful piece of art.
These rugs provide a multifaceted mingling of colors and textures that make a complete design, however the intricacies when not presented as a whole might be anything but worthwhile viewing. It’s kind of like Claude Monet’s painting, Water Lilies, that when viewed up close so that the minutiae stand out, represents only a nearsighted view of the artist’s intended project. However, when we stand back from the artwork – whether a painting or a handcrafted rug – we see the bigger picture that represents the whole.
I like to view the marketplace rug as a representation of the world’s diverse humanity: the elements of race and ethnicity, as well as physical elements and personalities of the global community that paints a more complete and accurate composition. It seems to me that without the diversity of colors, textures, and design, the final product would lack depth and luster.
Taking this thought further, the backside of the rug may not look all that presentable, what with the rough knots and perhaps the multitude of mistakes that are covered up so that the finished product will render itself pleasing to the eye.
I think of all the rough edges of my life that I have needed to smooth out and the mistakes that I have needed to correct so that I could present a life that was not only pleasing to the eye, but one that would benefit others and leave them better than when I first encountered them. I have definitely messed up in my almost seventy years of life, but I have always endeavored to be a beneficial contributor to the good of others.
In that sense, I don’t see myself as a work-in-progress, rather, I am a progressively better representation of who I am, whether viewed up close, or from afar. A closeup of my life’s minutiae may be shockingly out of focus, but the bigger picture will hopefully render my life as it is meant to be.
Good Wins Out
The bad do not win – not finally, no matter how loud they are. We simply would not be here if that were so. You are made, fundamentally, from the good. With this knowledge, you never march alone. You are the breaking news of the century. You are the good who has come forward through it all, even if so many days feel otherwise.
Alberto Rios, from A House Called Tomorrow
I believe this statement to be true; believing otherwise would not serve me well. Be well. Stay well. You’ve got this people.
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Living: the ultimate team sport 