A despondent woman was walking along the beach when she saw a bottle on the sand. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. Whoosh! A big puff of smoke appeared.
“You have released me from my prison,” the genie told her. “To show my thanks, I grant you three wishes. But take care, for with each wish, your mate will receive double of whatever you request.”
“Why?” the woman asked. “That bum left me for another woman.”
“That is how it is written,” replied the genie.
The woman shrugged and then asked for a million dollars. There was a flash of light, and a million dollars appeared at her feet. At the same instant, in a far-off place, her wayward husband looked down to see twice that amount at his feet.
“And your second wish?”
“Genie, I want the world’s most expensive diamond necklace.”
Another flash of light, and the woman was holding the precious treasure. And, in that distant place, her husband was looking for a gem broker to buy his latest bonanza.
“Genie, is it really true that my husband has two million dollars and more jewels than I do, and that he gets double of whatever I wish for?”
The genie said it was indeed true.
“Okay, genie, I’m ready for my last wish,” the woman said. “Scare me half to death.”
“What a birthday I had last year!” exclaimed the first. “My son, that wonderful boy, threw me a big party in a fancy restaurant. He even paid for plane tickets for all my friends!”
“That’s very nice, but listen to this,” said the second. “Last winter, my son gave me an all-expenses paid cruise to the Greek islands; First Class!”
“That’s nothing!” interrupted the third woman. “For five years now, my son has been paying a psychiatrist $150 an hour, three times a week, and the whole time he talks about nothing but me.”
While at the pub, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot each found a fly swimming around in his beer.
The Englishman asked the bartender for a napkin and a teaspoon. Elegantly scooping the fly out, he placed it in the napkin and delicately folded it.
The Irishman pushed his sleeve up, immersed his hand in the beer, caught the fly, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it.
The Scot silently took off his jacket, draped it neatly over the chair, folded his shirtsleeves up, and bent over his pint. Carefully he fished the fly out by picking it up by its wings. He lifted it just above the mug, shook the fly, and in a threatening voice bellowed, “Now spit it out!”
A husband and wife went to a Senior Center “Disco” one night. When they entered, the wife pointed out another senior citizen who was really tearing up the dance floor.
This guy was doing back flips, moon walking, sophisticated disco moves, the works! He was really something else.
The wife turned to her husband and said with a frown and a huge sigh,
“Wow! Look at him! And to think, he proposed to me 25 years ago, and I turned him down.”
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degrees east!”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There’s one last reply: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
A businessman was dining at a fancy restaurant and – so the story goes – met Lee Iacocca (extremely successful President & CEO of the Chrysler Corporation from 1978 to 1992 and considered the 18th-greatest American CEO of all time.)
“Mr. Iacocca,” he gushed, “the American business hero! I’ve studied your career, and any success I’ve had comes from emulating you. Would you do me a favor? I’m with some colleagues. Please come by my table, say ‘Hello, Harry,’ and let me introduce you. It would mean so much to me.”
Iacocca agreed. He waited for the man to sit down and then walked towards his table.
“Holy smoke!” cried one of Harry’s friends. “It’s Lee Iacocca, and he’s heading this way!”
“Hello Harry!” Iacocca said. “Introduce me to your friends.”
Harry looked at him blankly, “Come back later, Lee,” he said. “Can’t you see we’re trying to have some lunch!”
You get two humorous posts this week to lighten up your Monday.
Here’s the second one!
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to a dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
Don’t you dread being on a commercial flight when the person next to you starts up a lengthy conversation? Here’s one that has a bit of humor tied in with it:
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked,
“What kind of man attracts you?”
“I’ve always been drawn to Native American men,” she replied. “They’re in harmony with nature.”
“I see,” said the man, nodding.
“But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen always treat their ladies with respect.”
“Please allow me to introduce myself,” said the man. “My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.”
Please take the time to view the video, especially those of you who don’t think you have 13 minutes in which to be entertained by humor that might make a difference in your mood and/or your behavior today.
I wish the best for all of you on this first full day of Summer 2012.
Baseball player Babe Ruth (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Carl and Abe are two old baseball fanatics. They agree that whoever dies first will try to come back and tell the other one if there’s baseball in heaven.
One evening Abe passes away in his sleep. A few nights later Carl hears what sounds like Abe’s voice.
“Abe, is that you?” he asks.
“Of course it’s me,” Abe replies.
“I can’t believe it,” Carl whispers. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” Abe says. “The good news is, yes, there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is you’re pitching tomorrow night.”
(Photo credit: The Library of Congress)A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent named Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
“Hello,” the agent said. “I’m looking for a man named Murphy.”
“Well, you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where the butcher is named Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are named Murphy. Matter of fact,my name is Murphy.”
Aha, the agent thought, here’s my man. So he whispered the secret code:
“The sun is shining…the grass is growing…the cows are ready for milking.”
“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy – he’s in the village over in the other direction.”
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted soldier from each branch.
ARMY: The army general called a private over and ordered the private to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing “The Caissons Go Rolling Along,” then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.
NAVY: The admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing “Anchors Aweigh,” salute smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
MARINES: Finally the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high.
The marine took one look at the Marine general and said, “You’re out of your mind, sir!”
The Marine commander turned to the others and said,
Talented talking dog. An agent arranged an audition with a TV producer for his client, a talking dog that told jokes and sang songs. The amazed producer was about to sign a contract when suddenly a much larger dog burst into the room, grabbed the talking pooch by the neck and bounded back out.
“What happened?” demanded the producer. “That’s his mother,” said the agent. “She wanted him to be a doctor.”
Expensive cat exam. Mrs. Klapisch brought her cat to the veterinarian. The doctor had her hold the animal on the examining table as he touched and gently squeezed it. He then walked slowly around the table, all the while looking back and forth, back and forth. When he was done, he gave out some medication and presented Mrs. Klapisch with the bill.
“What?” she cried. “One hundred fifty dollars for two pills?” “Not just for pills,” said the vet. “I gave her a cat scan too.”
Literary dog. A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.
“Excuse me,” the man said to the woman, “but I think it’s astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much.” “I’m surprised myself, “she replied. “He hated the book.”
Randy cat. Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood – down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner’s door and said, “Your cat is rushing about like mad!”
“I know,” the man conceded. “Kerry’s just been neutered, and he’s running around canceling engagements.”
Q: How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’m just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two; one to assure us that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into a water faucet.
AND FINALLY – FROM THE INVENTOR HIMSELF:
Thomas Edison spent years trying to invent the electric light, testing and retesting. Finally, late one night, he got the bulb to glow. He ran out of his laboratory, through the house, up the stairs to his bedroom.
“Honey,” Edison called to his wife, “I’ve done it!”
She rolled over and said, “Will you turn off that light and come to bed!”
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner. His waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee, and a piece of pie.
As the trucker was about to start eating, three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man’s hamburger, the second one drank his coffee and the other one took his piece of pie.
The truck driver didn’t say a word. He got up, put on his jacket, paid the cashier and left.
One of the bikers said to the cashier, “Not much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver either,” she replied. “He just ran his truck over three motorcycles.”
Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first guy if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.
Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife, and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.
The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car to drive in heaven.
A week later, the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize car turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter – after all, he was driving a luxury car!
“I just passed my wife,” he told them. “She was on a skateboard!”
In a panic, a traveler called down to the hotel’s front desk soon after checking in.
“Help!” he yelled. “I’m trapped inside my room!”
“What do you mean, trapped?”
“Well, I see three doors,” the man explained. “The first opens to a closet, and the second to a bathroom. And the third door has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign hanging on it.”
What’s a person to do when their common sense has taken a hike?
![[Cave Hill. Belfast. County Antrim, Ireland] (LOC)](https://i0.wp.com/farm3.static.flickr.com/2685/4427440796_fb346caacc_m.jpg "[Cave Hill. Belfast. County Antrim, Ireland] (LOC)")
Living: the ultimate team sport 