My two novels are available in eBook format for practically free and are very affordable in paperback.
Requiem for the Status Quo is a work of fiction based on real events in which I was personally involved, and it effectively portrays the role family caregivers play in caring for loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.
A Jagged Journey, also fiction, addresses the attitudes you and I exhibit and witness in a world that should allow for diversity and differing beliefs.
My sister, Mary, was born 8 months before me; my parents adopted her after my mother suffered three miscarriages. As sometimes happens, before the ink was dry on the adoption papers, my mother became pregnant with me. Yay me!!!
Suffice it to say, being so close in age, my sister and I grew up together, sharing the same experiences and often the same friends. We are still very close, even though we don’t live in the same state.
Several years ago, after our mother and father had passed away, my sister located her birth mother, met her, and had a few occasions to get together with her and her other daughters, even though her birth mother lived in eastern Canada and my sister resides in California.
Because I erroneously believed I would have all the time in the world to thank my sister’s biological mother for placing Mary up for adoption, I missed out on that opportunity because Cathy died a few years after my sister first connected with her.
Cathy’s decision to provide the best possible home for my sister was an extraordinary gift for which I wanted to express my gratitude. Still, I procrastinated and never told Cathy what a blessing her first daughter is to me. In my recent history, this is by far the biggest regret I harbor in my heart.
I was recently tasked with writing my quarterly column for an Australian online publication, Grandparents Day Magazine, with that issue’s New Year’s theme being: JUNGLE. The first thought that came to my mind regarding that theme was diversity.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines diversity as: The quality or condition of having or being composed of differing elements.
That being the case, a jungle certainly encompasses that definition. Although the jungle is known to be without much variation in seasons – it is humid and hot for most of the year – it contains a wide variety of elements. One could spend a lifetime recording them and not compile a comprehensive list of all that exists there.
One site in my online research noted that there are nearly 40,000 plant species, 1,300 bird species, 3,000 types of fish, 427 species of mammals, and approximately 2.5 million insects.
OH MY GOODNESS! As I said in my post’s title, Diversity At Its Best!
The jungle’s diversity, and that which exists all around us where we live and breathe, makes me happy.
We all have examples of diversity in our human experience. My goodness, my neighborhood in my Washington state town is comprised of homes of varying sizes, differing ages of residents, and, most certainly, a diverse ethnic composition that highlights what living is all about.
And is it necessary to point out that the residents of every country in the world have differing religious and political leanings? At least in the United States where I live, divisions currently exist that have never been wider in my lifetime, and I have lived on this earth 72 years thus far. That division does not make me happy.
I would like to use the jungles of the world as a healthy example of diversity, and although the jungle can also be characterized as a scary place to be …lions and tigers and bears, oh my! … it is still a natural example of diversity at its best, from which perhaps all of us in the world could learn a lesson or two.
Being kind to yourself is most definitely a serious matter. You deserve to be treated with the same gentleness you would treat others for whom you care.
If the Holidays are starting to get to you, do what is needed to bring some calm and control back into your life, even if that means disappointing others. Again, you matter just as much as those you might have to disappoint, so I would advise you to try a little kindness toward yourself, a kindness you so very much deserve.
And if you’re doing absolutely well right now and can exercise some outward gentleness, check in on individuals who might need a reminder that they matter and that someone was thinking of them. You don’t have to make a huge effort – especially if doing so depletes your own reserves – but a phone call, a text, or a hello in passing – could mean the difference between making their day and not.
I learned something years ago that when people donate or tithe to a church or other organization, a good rule of thumb is equal sacrifice. I love that thought because 10% of, say, $25, and 10% of $2500 is a different amount but an equal sacrifice for those concerned.
If you are like my household, you have a spare change jar/container that accumulates pennies (now out of circulation in the US), nickels, dimes, and quarters. We don’t like the jingle jangle of coinage in our pockets or wallets.
The other day, my husband and I decided to do something with that change that, quite frankly, was just collecting dust and tarnishing where it accumulated. We took the jar down to the nearest Coinstar kiosk, deciding that if there was a donation option for providing food to the needy, we would select that charity. BINGO! There was!!! This photo shows you what an accumulated $53.06 over the years was able to do for Feeding America, our chosen donation recipient. According to their website $1 = 20 meals so our spare change that we weren’t using equates to 1060 meals!!!
The point I want to make, however, is that there is no such thing as a donation being not enough or too small because adding up all those coins means many people can benefit from any donation amount. I want to encourage you to never feel that what you have to offer is not enough. Every amount provides an impact. It all matters and it all counts.
My thoughts about being a family caregiver, having been there AND done that.
Even with all the book knowledge a person can garner, caregiving “mistakes” are bound to happen. The following tips are provided to active and former family caregivers who struggle with what they consider failed attempts at getting the caregiving task done correctly.
Perfection is highly overrated. No one, absolutely no one, expects you to do everything correctly 100% of the time.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Why? See Tip #1 above and Tip #3 below.
Caregiving is difficult, so CELEBRATE the wins! Give yourself a High Five! Sometimes you will have just the right way of doing or saying something that wipes out every other time you feel you didn’t do or say something correctly. Tally up the victories and CELEBRATE them!
Carefully choose your confidantes. Having acquaintances who are slow to judge but quick to affirm will be just the nourishment your body and soul will need.
If you are doing your best, that is all that is needed. But you say, “I could have done better!” No. You did the best with what you knew at the time, therefore you are to be congratulated. Instead, ask yourself, “Did I give it all that I could in the moment?” Yes, you did.
“Mistakes” are simply learning opportunities. Even today, years after my family caregiving experience, I remind myself that when something in my life isn’t going quite as planned, I can still learn something from that lesson, which is an “unmistakably” good thing, don’t you think?
I wrote a novel about my own caregiving experience. Just like my caregiving skills were a work in progress, so too was this novel, published a few years after my father passed from Alzheimer’s disease. May you or someone you know benefit from it.
AND MAY I JUST SAY, PAY AS MUCH ATTENTION TO THE GOOD YOU HAVE DONE AS YOU PAY TO WHAT YOU THINK YOU DIDN’T DO CORRECTLY.
CELEBRATE EACH VICTORY, REGARDLESS OF HOW SMALL, AND YOU’LL HAVE MANY PARTIES TO POST ON YOUR CALENDAR.
We don’t hear or read about it enough, but trust me, hatred and evil have got nothing on goodness and kindness in our world.
It has been said that it is the horrific stories that make headlines, and quite frankly, that is true. Newspapers, magazines, television, and social media scramble to break news in their attempts to be the first to offer their take on ongoing incidents.
I am all for free journalism; without it, I would not be writing this 1,303rd post, so bring it on in all its raging color. But wouldn’t it be rewarding to have our day interrupted by breaking newsthat reports on the good and kind incidents that occur as well?
All right, I’ll do just that. Allow me to introduce you to this wonderful soul who has brought light into the darkness. This is Breaking News of the very best kind.
Sophie Andrews is a person who learned the hard way – one of the hardest – that the best way to help is simply to listen. Sophie was on death’s door – you have to listen to this 14-minute TED talk to learn of the details when a volunteer at the UK’s Samaritan helpline picked up the phone and changed 14-year-old Sophie’s life forever. Years later, Sophie gave back and paid it forward by starting a helpline for some of the most vulnerable people in society who are lonely and without access or means for socialization. Her Silver Line fields thousands of calls a day, making the lives of countless UK senior citizens brighter, fuller, and healthier each year.
Listening – a free resource that is oftentimes not employed when needed the most; listening that actively tunes into the person speaking.
If you are someone who sets resolutions or intentions for the upcoming new year, perhaps practicing the art of listening might be at the top of your 2026 list.
One cannot be a good person if truth is not a part of their character. A moral person can be respected. If one is not moral, why would I follow that person?
Direct focus on the truth should net us lots of superior people!
It would be a lie to tell you that I have never lied, because I have. We all have in one shape or form, but what I am referring to in this brief post is that we should turn away from anyone who directly misinforms us when matters of import are front and center.
Common synonyms for “untruthful” include dishonest, deceitful, mendacious, false, and misleading. Other synonyms include deceptive, lying, hypocritical, and untrustworthy.
Trust is important to me; if I can’t trust words that come out of someone’s mouth, I certainly cannot trust most of what they do.
A previous post I wrote several years ago addressed the good we can do in our little corner of the world. Today’s post talks about that little corner in which we find ourselves.
We find community in various settings, including our home, our extended family, our employment, and our day-to-day contacts near and far. I would offer that even when we take our doggies to the off-leash dog park and let them run around with the other dogs, we can find ourselves in community.
But what if when at the dog park, we keep to ourselves and choose not to converse with any of the other humans; are we still in community? Yes, we are, because we are like-minded individuals giving our doggies a romp in the park with other doggies because we know it will inordinately please our four-legged friends. Our common goal in making the effort to go to the dog park is more or less the same: doggie community enjoyment.
What this very brief post is saying today is that community does not have to be a structured and organized grouping of people. It can consist of the lone walker in the neighborhood, coming upon another lone walker and sharing a smile and a greeting, even in passing. For myself, I relish every person-sighting – whether on my neighborhood strolls or six feet away from another customer at the grocery checkout. Other people! There are other people in this world, not just my lonesome self!!!!
Over the years, my eyes have been opened to discover community in places and in circumstances not recognized before. I hope you find similarly healthy connections as you go about your own daily routines.
So this happened a few years ago: I wrote a novel about my personal experiences being a caregiver for my father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease in his early 80s.
The novel genre usually means fiction, but everything within my book depicts either my personal experience or those of caregivers with whom I supported as an Alzheimer’s Association group facilitator.
I don’t think enough positive attention is given to the phrase status quo. When you are caring for someone with a health condition, boy oh boy do you hope and pray for a return to the pre-caregiver status. Being a caregiver for a loved one creates the desire to enter back into a time when illness or upheaval were not present, both for the caregiver’s sake and that of the person for whom they provide care.
Perhaps you, too, have been or are currently a caregiver, or you are hoping for a return to a time devoid of chaos and uncertainty, and you need a diversion from this, that, or the other that permeates your purview. Maybe my novel will plant a seed of hope in you that you thought had dried up forever.
That is my hope for you. That is my prayer for you.
I absolutely love the different ways our UK neighbors label things that many of us, at least us in the United States, label differently.
One of those words is QUEUE.
One very friendly definition of the word Queue is: a line or sequence of people or vehicles awaiting their turn to be attended to or to proceed. Doesn’t that sound civilized? It denotes an attitude of: I don’t mind at all waiting in this crowd to take care of business once I find myself at the front of the queue.
My husband and I had the experience of waiting in our vehicle for one hour in a 2-mile (3.2 km) queue the other day, trying to enter a Washington state national park. There wasn’t anything exciting – or relaxing – about the effort, but queuing is what we did.
Speaking of that national park, I love that parking lots in some countries are called car parks. It’s almost as though the vehicle is being treated to an entertaining adventure as we diligently park it within the lines of the designated spaces. And in some of those car parks, one can find trollies discarded by shoppers who have completed their weekly food shopping.
And the elevators found in the United States would be called lifts in the UK, and I must say, I am very much enamored by the thought of being given a lift somewhere, even if it’s just from one floor to another. Giving someone a lift is a courteous thing to do, don’t you think? “Why, thank you for the lift! That was very generous of you!”
The list of different terms that I am quite enamored with include: nappy instead of diaper, torch instead of flashlight, bin instead of trash (see what I mean by civilized?), and the favorite that I have found myself saying lately is knackered instead of exhausted. Like just the other day when we spent seven hours traveling to and from that US national park (1 hour of which was in a queue), my husband and I were absolutely 100% knackered by the time we arrived home to prepare our sandwich and chips and a glass of plonk after visiting the loo.
ANYWAY, I think you understand that countries have their own way of saying things, and such differences don’t bother me at all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to reward myself with a biscuit for completing this mini exposé and say bollocks to anyone who disagrees with me. Time to sit in front of the telly and relax a bit! Cheers and Bob’s your uncle!!!
What a terrific statement that is, isn’t it? This statement was made twice in my presence the other day. The first time was when I said it to the grocery store checker that morning, an employee who was stretching her back and then leaning on the check stand. I asked her, “Has it already been a day for you?” To which she responded, “You have no idea how long it has already been.” I told her I was sorry and that I hoped she got relief soon, then I said,
I appreciate you, I really do.
Later that same day, I was at a medical office, having turned in some paperwork to the front desk employee who then said the following to me,
I appreciate what you have done, thank you so much.
I felt acknowledged, and I felt like my presence mattered to her. I felt present.
One definition of appreciation is:
Recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.
Wow. That must be why the grocery employee expressed her pleasure with my statement earlier that day and why I felt so present and worthwhile during my very brief encounter with medical staff a few hours later.
Please extend your appreciation to others as you go through your day today. You just might save that person from having the worst day of their life.
Daylight Saving Time (DST) ends November 2nd. I know I’m way ahead of schedule, here, but I wanted to poke fun at the process anyway. Here are some funny comments about DST: (euphemisms have been substituted for swear words)
Daylight Saving started back in 1964 when some guy was an hour late for work and convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong. – by Rob Fee
If we can just manipulate time with daylight saving, what’s from preventing us from saying “screw it, tomorrow is Sunday again.” – by Josh Hara
Been working 25/7 working on some new daylight saving time jokes. – by Ken Jennings
It takes a special person to be late the day after daylight saving time starts. – by Meeting Boy
It’s daylight saving time! Don’t forget to shut the heck up for how the time change has really thrown you off for the next two weeks. – by Jenny Johnson
And now this question about matters having to do with months of the year:
The following quote is from the book Love is the Way: Holding on to Hope in Troubling Times by Bishop Michael Curry & Sara Grace
There was once a wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. All was well and the wave was enjoying himself. He was just enjoying the wind and the ride, until one day he noticed what was happening to the other waves in front of him. They were crashing against the shore.
“My God, this is terrible,” the wave said. “Look what’s going to happen to me!”
Then another wave came along who asked, “Why do you look sad?” The first wave says, “You don’t understand! We’re all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn’t it terrible?”
The other wave’s response: “No, you don’t understand. You’re not a wave, you’re part of the ocean.”
Everything we do affects the rest of the world. Never think what you have to offer is of no use to someone else. We are all in this together; our combined acts of kindness and community efforts are genuinely worthwhile. We are all a part of something big.
Have world events impacted you in such a way that you feel things are hopeless?
Are you overwhelmed to the point that you say to yourself, What could I possibly do to make a difference?
The answer is:
You can make a difference because kindness overcomes all.
My last post addressed the negative power of words. I sincerely believe that random acts or words of kindness can make a difference in the world in which we live. There are so many negative and hurtful words being thrust into our universe; can’t we please try to balance out that hurt with words of encouragement, recognition, and nourishment?
Yes, nourishment. In all our daily interactions—whether via social media or in person—we can nurture the hurt that exists all around us. Our words, our smile, and our actions may just change someone’s life forever. Haven’t you been on the receiving end of that type of transformative nourishment? Didn’t it feel good? Didn’t it fill the emptiness within you that hungered and thirsted for confirmation that you matter, that you aren’t a failure, that you have potential?
Let’s revisit how that felt and commit to quenching the thirst of each person with whom we come in contact, whether virtually or in person.
Syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts Jr. wrote an Opinion piece in a January 2014 Seattle Times newspaper edition that focused on the cruelty that comes out of the mouths of people who criticize the physical differences that exist in people. His column focused on people’s cruel words that made fun of a very successful actress whom they deemed to be overweight.
The columnist questioned when and how this type of truly sadistic personal meanness became acceptable, even commonplace. And may I just say that in the year 2025, such meanness flows from the mouths of those in political office, seemingly sanctioned because of the position held by the word abuser. Why do we think it’s any of our business to criticize someone else’s supposed imperfection? Doing so is an act of judgment of someone about whom we know very little.
Dad & I, circa 2000. When us kids would say something cruel about someone, my dad would offer the following: “It’s too bad that everyone isn’t as perfect as us.” Point taken.
Mr. Pitts asked what had happened to what he called “home training” that is supposed to teach us that there are just some things you don’t say to or about people in a public forum?
Whether our “something” is shaped like the emotional scars of abuse, an eating disorder, physical or developmental disabilities, bad teeth, or a nose that is too big, too fat, or too small, no one has the right to inflict hurt on us with their words.
Let us all adopt Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel’s statement made during an interview with Oprah Winfrey many years ago. May it be a challenge to all of us.
As a human race, we must choose between: the violence of adults, and the smiles of children; the ugliness of hate, and the will to oppose it; inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man, and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves for naught.
Even in darkness, it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. Every moment of our life is essential; every gesture is essential. Our role in life is to give an offering to each other.
I recently read a book on Stoicism, Reasons Not To Worry, and the author, Brigid Delaney, concluded that her goal most days is to be tranquil, rather than happy, because “Happiness…is often a fleeting emotion that seemingly comes and goes on a whim…”
So if your response to my post’s question does not fall into the category of happiness, please don’t feel as though you’re in a bad state of being. You are not; after all, as the author also states, “…tranquility, although a less exciting state, is more constant, acting like a slow-release drug that keeps me stable and content throughout the day.”
So I ask you, what’s not to like about stability and contentment?
First of all – take a deep breath and shed the mantle of guilt you’re wearing. Now let’s address your dilemma.
When your father was on his deathbed you made a promise to take care of your mother in her old age. Now she is at the point of not being able to care for herself and you realize that you’re absolutely not cut out for – nor are you capable of – taking her under your roof to provide the care that she needs. What’s a dutiful son or daughter to do?
I’m not advocating that you break your promise to your father but I am suggesting that you consider redefining what that promise looks like. You promised your father that you would take care of your mother and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Taking care of your mother is not solely defined as moving her into your home and taking care of all her basic needs until she dies. Very few people have the ability or the means to provide 24-hour care in their home. You made that promise with the best intentions and you can still honor your promise without dishonoring your father. Keep in mind that loving your mother doesn’t guarantee your success as her caregiver. Even adult children with a fabulous relationship with their parent struggle greatly in their efforts. And if your relationship with your mother is tenuous at best, try picturing the scenario of you as caregiver and her as recipient of that care. What effect will that have on her, you, and the remainder of your household?
Let’s clarify how best to care for your mother.
Why can’t caring for your mother mean that you’re honest enough to admit that you’re not the best caregiving option? Do your best to find the care alternative that will provide her an optimal quality of life, e.g. adult daycare, errand and housekeeping services, assisted living. Do the research and consult the experts to confidently fulfill your promise to your father by securing the best care solution for your mother. If that solution involves selecting an assisted living facility, there are many resources available to you that can make this move a successful one for everyone involved. As her son or daughter you will be able to lovingly help her transition into a residential location with like-minded older adults where she can receive the care that will fulfill the promise you made to your father.
Now imagine the NEW normal that your mother and your family can experience.
Your mother lives nearby in an assisted living residence. She has companions with whom she enjoys spending time. She receives three wholesome meals a day and when she, or you, feel like seeing each other, you’re just a short drive away! The time she spends at your house will be as a pampered visitor – not an inpatient (or impatient) relative. It’s probably difficult right now for you to see this as a viable option, but I think in time, you’ll find that everyone, including your father, will be pleased with the outcome.
What a terrific resource water is. We rely on water for everything we do. If you don’t think that’s the case, I challenge you to think of one aspect of your life that doesn’t rely on water. Cue the Jeopardy jingle while we all wait…
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE RELIES ON WATER!
I live in one of the Pacific Northwest states of the United States, and it is currently our summer season – the hottest time of year. While watering my plants last month, I was struck with gratitude as I watched the water soaking into the ground on its way to nourishing the flowers I love to see this time of year. That gratitude was truly front and center in my mind because it just so happened that my street block was on the verge of having its water shut off for an entire day because of a required water main repair down the road. All of us neighbors made arrangements to store water for that period of time and discerned what each household needed to make it through that day. Let me tell you, laundry was hastily completed, dishwashers were run, and household members scrambled to claim the toilet they would use because flushing of toilets would not be possible for at least six hours.
Stressful…right?
No industry exists without the availability of water. Again, wrack your brain to think of what on earth isn’t affected by water. Forget the Jeopardy jingle, that’s a waste of music because the answer is still:
EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE RELIES ON WATER!
But this post isn’t just focused on appreciating and conserving water; it’s also about increasing our ongoing efforts to cherish that with which we have been gifted: our living space and everything within that space on which we rely, our loved ones, or aspects of our health – even when we don’t enjoy a 100% healthy existence. May you and I continually cherish all that matters to us, including every breath we take, because even the latter does not come with an endless supply.
MAY YOU SURVIVE AND THRIVE WITH A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF GRATITUDE
I’m the person who waves, but I’m also the person who waves back. I just can’t help myself, especially when a young child is concerned.
Ever since I became a grandmother back in 2017, I can’t resist waving and talking to a youngster while said youngster is accompanied by their parental unit. Caveat: Prior to attaining grandparenthood, I just couldn’t be bothered, but I am a reformed woman.
But it’s not just the youngsters with whom I engage; I can’t help but engage all age groups in friendly conversation. I crave the connection and I am shameless in my efforts to satisfy that craving.
Maybe you’re among the many who hope beyond all hope that when you encounter the stranger that is me, no conversational effort will be required on your part. Sorry to disappoint you, but if you’re in my sights, I’m reaching out to become your 30-second friend.
Dr. Bernie S. Siegel provides some wisdom for our day from his 365 Prescriptions for the Soul book. The following is provided verbatim:
Parade of Life
Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you are going to do now, and do it. – William Durant
Life is a parade. Sometimes we march along and realize we have passed by what we were looking for. What do we do? Stand there and drop out of the parade? March on with regrets? Feel bad about how we looked or that everything we wanted was on the wrong side of the street? It’s passed! Forget it and march on!
Sometimes our parade isn’t so pretty, and the crowd isn’t interested in us. If we drag everything we have passed with us, we will destroy the present. We have no future when we live in the past.
We even talk about past lives. Whether you believe in them or not, the same principle applies. If you are living a past life, you are destroying your present one. In therapy, people come to understand why they are acting the way they are and how the past is affecting them. They learn to let go, move on, and not sit in the same classroom year after year. They graduate and commence a new life.
To conclude, I, Irene Frances Olson, have this to say about Dr. Siegel’s comments:
The good news is that we can learn from our past, both the good and the bad, but if we stay cemented in the past and don’t move on? That parade Dr. Siegel talks about? It’ll pass us by.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get left behind.
Are you preparing right now to never lose your boogie, no matter your age? I am. The above linked article is a delightful story of how music affects the elderly, whether cognitively impaired or not.
The Alive Inside program proved how beneficial music therapy is to those whose world has diminished and whose communication and connection with others has been cut off. Regardless of the music’s era, regardless of the generation listening to it, everyone can harken back to long-ago memories just by listening to familiar tunes that meant something to us then, and that mean something to us now.
Retaining one’s essence and one’s individuality goes far towards announcing to the world, “I’m still here; I’ve still got it; I’m still vital.” As expressed in the article I’ve shared from a fellow blogger, I hope I will indeed be the smiling lady that gets up and dances, and I hope you’ll join me on the dance floor!
Our weekly grocery store has made it through thick and thin, which of course includes the pandemic that closed down so many businesses and saw employees leaving their place of employment in droves, so much so, that retail operations are now struggling to staff their stores appropriately. Many long-time employees stay committed to their work, wanting the salary, of course, but also wanting the retail operation to survive.
The other day, in response to my comment about the cute smiley face health mask our grocery checker was wearing, this long-time employee told us that a “secret shopper” was brought into the store to monitor its employees and this shopper told management that “Jane” didn’t smile when he went through her checkout stand. Jane shows up for all her shifts, does a stellar job, and the lack of a smile becomes punishable?
As difficult as it is to fill retail shifts, I would think the lack of a smile at any given time, whether momentary or ongoing, isn’t an offense worth reporting to management. I think it was unfortunate that this employee was reprimanded. We are in your corner, Jane. May peace and prosperity be your portion.
How often have you felt defeated because your day-to-day existence is somewhat routine and boring?
The life of a family caregiver, attending to a loved one with a disease or malady that is all-encompassing, is never Same-O Same-O. Any semblance of status quo flies out the window shortly after taking on this learn-as-you-go caregiver role. The boring life about which the family caregiver used to complain no longer exists as she or he memorializes that long-abandoned way of living. My memorial to status quo existed while attending to my father during his Alzheimer’s journey. That is why I wrote this novel, based on facts from my time caring for my father.
I am 72 years old. Up until my 60s, I looked forward to every birthday, but when I was about to turn seventy, all bets were off. The good news is, I now know why.
My mother died at the age of 77, which, come on now, isn’t old. My mother’s cause of death doesn’t at all reflect my health status. Mom had three health conditions that adversely affected her quality of life for many, many years. I don’t have any of those conditions, but when I turned 70, I saw my life as one that was hanging in the balance.
Over the past couple of years, I have reconciled to the fact that I do not fear that I will die as Mom did. Nope! But I still don’t like being in this particular decade of my life. Perhaps I will get over it, and, quite frankly, I hope I do, because feeling averse to this decade is counterintuitive to living in the moment, which is what I truly endeavor to do. If you read last week’s post, you know that I’m trying to do better at living and accepting my age. But it’s not always an easy task, is it? But “easy” isn’t what I’m demanding out of life either; rather, I simply want to refine my ongoing attempt to accept what is.
And there you have it, unapologetically me in a nutshell.
In light of the way life has unfolded in the world as of recently, I have endeavored to discover a way of surviving the day-to-day tedium, and it appears I have done so for myself. It is not a religion, with its set orthodoxies and rules; rather, it is a way of living that is extremely pliable:
Stoicism
I now provide for you the principles found in this philosophy that – quite frankly – seem worthy of our attention. This list comes directly from the book, Reasons Not to Worry – How to Be Stoic in Chaotic Times, by Brigid Delaney.
Acknowledge that you can’t control much of what goes on in your life.
See that your emotions are the product of how you think about the world.
Accept that bad things are bound to happen to you from time to time, just as they do to everyone else.
See yourself as part of a larger whole, not an isolated individual; part of the human race, part of nature.
Think of everything you have as not your own, but simply on loan, that one day will be taken back.
And that is all I have to say to you this week because it is not I who says it, but the Stoics themselves.
Do you feel as though you don’t visit your loved one often enough at the long-term care (LTC) facility in which they live? Try to acknowledge that guilt is a feeling that may not necessarily reflect an accurate reality of how attentive you are towards your loved one.
The local caregiver.
In my past Alzheimer’s Association work, many caregivers expressed their concerns that they were not doing enough for their loved one who lived in a LTC facility. Even when a caregiver visited Mom several days a week, the caregiver still felt guilty for not making more of an effort to be there for her.
Guilt is a valid feeling, but the feeling of guilt may not accurately reflect what is going on. Let’s face it, most of us are hard on ourselves. The old adage, “we’re our own worse critic” came about resultant from generations of people who unfairly beat themselves into the ground.
At a gathering I attended several years ago, a woman expressed how guilty she felt for not visiting her mother more often than she thought appropriate. Another person, also a caregiver, suggested that this person ask herself whether or not she felt she was doing the best she could in this situation. “If you are, then perhaps your feeling of guilt is based on emotion rather than reality.” Whether five visits a week or one visit a month – if that’s the best a person is able to do, then it’s sufficient.
Caregivers simply need to cut themselves some slack. Even when the loved one they’re visiting has no concept of the passage of time and is not able to discern whether they’ve been visited as recently as the last hour or as long ago as last year, caregivers still berate themselves for not being there more frequently.
Caveat: I need to add that even if your loved one doesn’t a) recognize you, and b) can’t quantify the passage of time, you are still a wonderful addition to that person’s life. No staff caregiver can take your place when it comes to providing a loving presence for your Mom who lives in a facility. Just being there with a smile, a hug, and speaking words of compassion can do wonders towards brightening Mom’s day.
The long-distance caregiver.
One of many walks my father and I took around his facility
My biggest role as a caregiver was that which I performed long distance for my father who lived in a dementia unit in a Southern Oregon assisted living facility. I felt like I was doing something truly valuable for him while I was there but as soon as I boarded the plane for Seattle the guilt enveloped me. Usually, the first night of my return was spent crying because I felt I had been impatient with him, or I acted flustered when I had to answer a question that my father had already asked me no less than two dozen times prior. I relived every moment of my visit, criticizing this and that about what I did, or didn’t do. I was a wreck. I had to talk myself into believing that dad did have a good time and dad was genuinely happy to see me, and by golly, I didn’t do that bad of a job as a caregiver daughter.
I could then relax knowing that he was being well-cared for in my absence; my visits augmented that care, and I could rest on that fact rather than falling back on my guilt. The NY Times article, Being There and Far Away sheds some light on the long distance caregiver’s experience. I hope you’ll take the time to read the article as I believe it will touch on some topics that all caregivers may experience.
As I mentioned in my Blog entry, Deathbed Promises and How to Fulfill Themtake a deep breath and shed the mantle of guilt you’re wearing. It doesn’t do you any good and it gets in the way of you being the best caregiver you can be. Cut yourself some slack and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Because I erroneously believed I would have all the time in the world to thank my sister’s biological mother for placing Mary up for adoption, I missed out on that opportunity because Cathy died a few years after my sister first connected with her.
The jungle’s diversity, and that which exists all around us where we live and breathe, makes me happy.
If you are like my household, you have a spare change jar/container that accumulates pennies (now out of circulation in the US), nickels, dimes, and quarters. We don’t like the jingle jangle of coinage in our pockets or wallets.
My thoughts about being a family caregiver, having been there AND done that.
Family Caregiver Challenges
I absolutely love the different ways our UK neighbors label things that many of us, at least us in the United States, label differently.
ANYWAY, I think you understand that countries have their own way of saying things, and such differences don’t bother me at all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to reward myself with a biscuit for completing this mini exposé and say bollocks to anyone who disagrees with me. Time to sit in front of the telly and relax a bit! Cheers and Bob’s your uncle!!!
What a terrific statement that is, isn’t it? This statement was made twice in my presence the other day. The first time was when I said it to the grocery store checker that morning, an employee who was stretching her back and then leaning on the check stand. I asked her, “Has it already been a day for you?” To which she responded, “You have no idea how long it has already been.” I told her I was sorry and that I hoped she got relief soon, then I said,
Daylight Saving Time (DST) ends November 2nd. I know I’m way ahead of schedule, here, but I wanted to poke fun at the process anyway. Here are some funny comments about DST: (euphemisms have been substituted for swear words)
Have world events impacted you in such a way that you feel things are hopeless?
Yes, nourishment. In all our daily interactions—whether via social media or in person—we can nurture the hurt that exists all around us. Our words, our smile, and our actions may just change someone’s life forever. Haven’t you been on the receiving end of that type of transformative nourishment? Didn’t it feel good? Didn’t it fill the emptiness within you that hungered and thirsted for confirmation that you matter, that you aren’t a failure, that you have potential?
So if your response to my post’s question does not fall into the category of happiness, please don’t feel as though you’re in a bad state of being. You are not; after all, as the author also states, “…tranquility, although a less exciting state, is more constant, acting like a slow-release drug that keeps me stable and content throughout the day.”
What a terrific resource water is. We rely on water for everything we do. If you don’t think that’s the case, I challenge you to think of one aspect of your life that doesn’t rely on water. Cue the Jeopardy jingle while we all wait…
Life is a parade. Sometimes we march along and realize we have passed by what we were looking for. What do we do? Stand there and drop out of the parade? March on with regrets? Feel bad about how we looked or that everything we wanted was on the wrong side of the street? It’s passed! Forget it and march on!
The life of a family caregiver, attending to a loved one with a disease or malady that is all-encompassing, is never Same-O Same-O. Any semblance of status quo flies out the window shortly after taking on this learn-as-you-go caregiver role. The boring life about which the family caregiver used to complain no longer exists as she or he memorializes that long-abandoned way of living. My memorial to status quo existed while attending to my father during his Alzheimer’s journey. That is why I wrote this novel, based on facts from my time caring for my father.
In light of the way life has unfolded in the world as of recently, I have endeavored to discover a way of surviving the day-to-day tedium, and it appears I have done so for myself. It is not a religion, with its set orthodoxies and rules; rather, it is a way of living that is extremely pliable:
Living: the ultimate team sport 