Living: the ultimate team sport

Lighten up Mondays

Posted on November 7, 2016 Updated on November 5, 2016

You know what today is: the day before we all praise the heavens the election is over, and curse the results if they don’t go our way. Hope these humorous quips help you through the process.

Two friends with radically different political views are on their way to the polls on election day. One guy turns to the other and says “You know, we’ve argued about this for months, and we’re obviously going to vote for different candidates. Our votes will cancel each other out anyways, so why don’t we just call it a draw and go home instead?” Other guy agrees, they shake hands and part ways.

Another guy who overheard the conversation approaches the dealmaker and says with admiration, “That’s a real sportsmanlike offer you just made!” “Not really,” the guy says, “I’ve made that offer three times already today.”

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1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain

6. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

7. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

8. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

9. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole

10. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke

11. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin

12. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill

13. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov

14. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal

15. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan

16. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card

17. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke