Living: the ultimate team sport

A Little Help From a Friend

Posted on March 25, 2024 Updated on March 25, 2024

Lessening the burden of another.

Last year, I became aware of a neighbor’s struggle with his wife’s newly diagnosed dementia. “Reggie” is in his early 70’s, as am I. Reggie is retired; I am as well. I retired from the long-term care industry working with adults whose conditions are most often associated with aging – Alzheimer’s and other dementia being at the forefront.

Along with that professional experience, I also had hands-on personal experience for both my father, who died from Alzheimer’s disease in 2007, and my sister-in-law, who died from mixed dementia in 2012. Additionally, I worked as an Alzheimer’s Association caregiver support group facilitator for five years. When Reggie advised me of his household’s situation, I filled him in on my varied experiences – simply to add credence to any advice I might offer him – and then I provided information that I thought might help address the various situations he very openly discussed with me over several months’ time. I was thrilled that he joined a nearby caregiver support group that I had recommended because let’s face it, we all could use a little help from a friend, or like-experienced individuals, as the stresses of life present themselves – right? Trust me when I say, that even with all my long-term care experience, I still struggled to apply that textbook knowledge to real life, in-the-moment situations with my loved ones. A little help goes a long way.

Caring for a loved one is always on-the-job training, even during the best of times.

When my neighbor openly disclosed to me that he would be leaving for an out of state trip, I texted him resources that could be of help to him – resources that might assure his wife’s safety and his enjoyment of what I was certain was a much needed and much deserved break from 24/7 caregiving. As my casual neighborly conversations continued with him thereafter, I provided advice in my ongoing friendly efforts to help his wife, and therefore him. When Reggie told me that he had ultimately decided to have another female neighbor, with whom the wife is familiar, check in on his wife for dinner each night while he was out of state, I strongly suggested his wife could benefit from more attentive care in his absence. I brought up several What If scenarios that might pop up during the greater amount of time his wife would be alone.  He stated “that would never happen” and “she’s never done that before” to which I suggested it might be more prudent to assume that what would never happen would, and what she would never do, she would do. Reggie stuck with his original plan. Caveat: just before he left for his trip, both my husband and I were recovering from being enmeshed in the hell that is Covid so being more than casual eyes on the prize during his absence was not an option.

The story has an eventual happy ending but getting there was problematic.

A few days in to his multi-day trip, I observed Reggie’s wife walk by my house to walk the dog on her own. She hadn’t walked in the neighborhood alone or with someone else for quite some time. I let her get far enough ahead of me and then followed her to make sure she got home safely. Upon my return, I texted her husband first to ask if he was home; he was not. I sent a second text to let him know that I was concerned because his wife had just gone on a solo walk with the dog. He did not respond to that text, although upon his return, Reggie’s take on his wife’s out-of-the-ordinary behavior was a positive one, in that he was thrilled that she was able to accomplish something that hadn’t been in her wheelhouse in the recent past. Go figure! It’s always a good thing when something positive comes about from a potentially negative event.

I am sorry that one of my What Ifs came true – and thankfully, there were no negative repercussions –  but it probably could have been avoided had the neighbor trusted the information provided to him to assure his, and therefore his wife’s, well-being. I don’t need or want to be right, but if my personal and/or professional experiences can somehow help someone, that realized benefit is good for the community. My take on life is that individually we all know some things, but not all things, so I am constantly on the lookout to learn something new that just might augment and benefit my life and the lives of my loved ones.

Full disclosure: ACCEPTING SOMEONE ELSE’S HELP IS A DIFFICULT THING TO DO. I am ashamed to say that I too am guilty of dismissing well-intentioned assistance from kind neighbors, most recently assuring a neighbor a couple blocks from me that she need not make meals for my husband and me while we were convalescing from the very debilitating effects of Covid – a virus we avoided for four years but when it invaded our home, my husband and I fell gravely ill. I regret turning down the offered meals because that gift of meals was a communal generosity that I failed to truly acknowledge at the time. Similarly, I hope Reggie learns something from the What If that came about in his absence, and going forward I pray he is more open to those in our neighborhood community who truly only want the best for him and his wife.

When we don’t know or understand a situation, may we all be open to receiving and applying lessens that just may ease the burden of not knowing.  We all need community. We can all benefit from community. If we haven’t learned that fact in the past four-plus years, I fear we/I haven’t learned a thing.

I documented my personal dementia caregiving experiences in my novel Requiem for the Status Quo in my ongoing effort to help those who find themselves in similar family caregiving situations.