My recent blog, “Caregiving: The Ultimate Team Sport” assumes the person providing care for a loved one has a wealth of family members upon which to draw for support. When that is not the case it can be difficult to find willing team members to provide that support. This article provides advice to the solo caregiver and to his/her friends, business associates, neighbors, and community contacts.
CAREGIVER: BE BOLD – ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
Those people with whom you have contact probably know that you’re the only one carrying the ball when it comes to caregiving but they can’t possibly understand the degree of difficulty you’re experiencing. Assuming that to be the case, your friends, business associates, and neighbors may not feel the need to reach out to you with assistance. Now is the time to be very transparent with them and tell them what you need.
DINING ALONE IS A DRAG – NOW’S THE TIME TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
There is no shame in inviting yourself to dinner. If these are true friends/acquaintances of yours, they will welcome you into their home. Once you’ve invited yourself a couple times, true friends and valuable neighbors will start to invite you into their dining room on an ongoing basis. Besides, they’ve probably been wondering what they could possibly do to help you out in your situation and you’ve just presented a very easy way in which they can do so. Heck – they’re going to cook dinner for themselves anyway; one or two extra people aren’t going to throw a huge wrench into their meal plans.
ATTENTION WELL-MEANING FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS!
I think the rule of thumb in these situations is to assume that your friend the solo caregiver needs a hand with something, so ask him what he needs. Let’s look at the difference between the following offers of assistance.
- “Hey Sam, call me if you ever need some help.”
- “Hey Sam, could you use a little extra help around the garden? I’m all caught up with my yard work and would like to help you in any way I can.”
- Hey Sam, we always cook for a crowd and always have some leftovers. I’d like to give you some leftovers in disposable containers that you can freeze and use any time you don’t feel like cooking for yourself.”
In the 1st example, you’re leaving it up to Sam to feel comfortable enough to inconvenience you (in his mind) with a request for help. You’re basically forcing him to ask for help. In the 2nd and 3rd examples, you’ve given Sam an offer of tangible, definable assistance that shows that you really mean it when you say you’re willing to help out. If neither of those offers fit within Sam’s current needs, you’re still making it easier for him to ask for help with something else: “Wow Larry, thanks so much for your offers but what I could really use is help figuring out the health insurance issues that have kept me awake at night. How about having a beer with me, and between the two of us, maybe we can make some sense of this mess in which I find myself.”
Friends, work associates and neighbors – your solo caregiver friend needs help and you could be just the right person with the skill that he needs. Some day you may find yourself in a similar situation and will know first hand how difficult it is to be a solo caregiver. If it takes a village to raise a child, it must take at least that to help someone with the burden of being a solo caregiver.
A team is only as good as its members. If the playbook isn’t carefully followed, success is unattainable.
The scenario for this article centers around care for Mom. It doesn’t matter if Mom is still living at home and cared for primarily by one of her adult children OR Mom is living in a care facility receiving care for her day-to-day needs outside of the home. Either way the brothers and sisters of this caregiving team are in for the challenge of their lives. What follows is a simple, yet complex, listing of destructive traits that could get in the way of the family’s caregiving goal. All definitions are directly from the Oxford English Dictionary, 11th Edition, 2004.
- EGO. n. a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. Brothers and sisters, please check your egos at the door. The exercise of one’s ego is so self-involved that the input of others, of course controlled by their own egos, clashes with an individual’s perspective. Acknowledge that egos are involved but either check them at the door, or put them high up on a bookshelf to be retrieved at a more appropriate time, and work together for the common good, not one’s own good.
- SELFISH(NESS). adj. concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure at the expense of consideration for others. I’m seeing a trend here. Ego and selfishness go hand-in-hand and truly have no place in a team dynamic.
- COMPETITION. n. the activity or condition of competing against others. A successful sports team does not compete against its own members – it saves that for its opponents. Your brothers and sisters are your allies, not your opponents, so you will all benefit from considering each other as such. You want the same thing – the best care experience for your mother – so your common goal will be more effectively reached when all of you play on and for the same team.
- SENIOR(ITY). n. a person who is a specified number of years older than someone else. Just because you’re older than your sister doesn’t mean your input is more valuable than hers. Your younger siblings are just that – they’re younger, not stupid. I know that sounds harsh but I’ve seen this time and again where siblings maintain the same perspective of their childhood sibling relationships and it becomes a barrier towards moving forward as adults. Once you reach a certain adult age, those differences no longer exist. It’s hard to break away from the age hierarchy paradigm, but break away you must.
- SHARED RESPONSIBILITY. You’ll rarely find a family that carries the caregiving burden equally. Some members will do more than others, either by virtue of their proximity to Mom, and/or due to their abilities. But a greater percentage of tasks does not necessarily equate to a greater percentage of input regarding Mom’s caregiving. Arguably one could say, “You don’t care enough to help out so we don’t care about what you have to say.” One could say that but doing so is counterproductive.
I list the above traits because they can be very destructive when complex issues of aging and caregiving come into play. Imagine trying to come to a consensus of opinion regarding an appropriate level of care for Mom at any given time; or managing the financial dilemmas often inherent with the caregiving process; or the emotion-packed subject of end-of-life issues. Respect for each others opinions will go a long way towards paving the road with less speed bumps.
A caveat: I acknowledge that some family histories are far more complicated, and more dysfunctional, than others. Because of the unhealthy years that many children have experienced growing up, far more is on the table when working with one’s siblings. In those circumstances, a third-party unbiased counselor can be a valuable addition to the care team.
My question to you wonderful Baby Boomers who have wrestled with this caregiving team challenge: how did you iron out the difficulties, or did you?
If you do not have any family members, please look at my article Solo Caregiving.
What’s a pitcher without a catcher? A quarterback without a receiver? A point guard without a center? Individuals – that’s what they are. They are not a team. Caregiving should never be an individual effort because quite frankly, one person can not do it all.
Whether the primary caregiver actually does hands-on-care or is the primary “manager” of a loved one’s day-to-day life, that caregiver needs all the support he or she can get. For the purposes of this article we’re going to assume that the loved one, Mom, lives in a long-term care (LTC) facility cared for by professionals. As with every sports team, there is a General Manager of the team – responsible for the overall smooth running of the team, and then there are the individual team members without whom there would be no support whatsoever. Let’s look at the responsibilities of each person on the team. GENERAL MANAGER: whether self-assigned or chosen, the GM is usually Mom’s primary contact/visitor. He or she will also be the main point of contact with the staff at the LTC facility and as such, should definitely be on the “approved list” of people with whom the care staff can discuss every aspect of Mom’s care. Getting on the approved list might involve one or both of the following:
- Facility Care Plan/Residential Agreement. Because of the restrictions resulting from the enactment of HIPAA anyone other than the actual patient/resident must be given permission to receive confidential information regarding another individual’s health condition. There is usually a section on LTC facility agreements and/or care plans wherein a primary family member is listed and approved as the person who can have access to all confidential information regarding the resident’s/loved one’s care. Similarly you’ll want to be on the approved list for Mom’s doctors so you’re able to freely communicate with medical personnel regarding any ongoing health concerns. If Mom is able, she will need to sign the necessary documents that indicate her decision to allow that confidential health information be shared with you.
- Power of Attorney for Health Care. This legal document allows someone, usually a family member, to speak on behalf of a loved one who may not be able to do so on her own. I’m not a lawyer so I’m not offering any advice regarding this document but the attached link will give you a thumbnail sketch addressing when the appropriateness of such a document comes into play.
Now back to the General Manager’s duties: the GM needs to play on the strengths of each team member.
Hold a family meeting – even involving those living out of town via telephone or skype – to discuss the strengths that each possesses and ones’ willingness to exercise those strengths. Once those team members’ tasks have been assigned or volunteered for, it’s up to the General Manager to provide oversight to assure each task is being accomplished, and to discern if any team member needs assistance completing tasks. As you can see, taking on the role of General Manager carries a lot of responsibility and quite frankly, anyone who assumes this role needs to be good and ready to carry a heavy load. The good news, however, is that the GM is not alone – there are additional members of the team.
FINANCE MANAGER. Your older sister is a finance whiz who’s very comfortable crunching numbers. She gets to take over the day-to-day system of bill paying, investment monitoring, and the like. You might even arrange for all mail to go to this sister’s home so that she has immediate access to timely financial information.
INSURANCE MANAGER. One of your brothers who works in the health insurance industry understands the ins and outs of private insurance and as it relates to Medicare. Congratulations, his strength will contribute greatly to the whole. But you don’t have to work for an insurance company to excel at this task. Some of us – yes, I’m one of them – really “gets it” when it comes to reconciling Explanations of Benefits (EOB) documents from health insurance companies. The Insurance Manager will work hand in hand with the Finance Manager to assure that any balances due a particular medical professional or institution is paid. This can really get sticky when attempting to make sure that everyone who is responsible for paying a part of the medical service – private insurance companies and Medicare – have paid their part prior to sending out a check for the balance. But effective Finance & Insurance Managers can successfully get the job done.
TRANSPORTATION MANAGER.Your other sister has recently retired, or has a very flexible work schedule, and has the ability to take Mom to the various doctor appointments that occur each month. Terrific.
That sister will be doing the running around with Mom and can make sure each appointment is scheduled, attended, and summarized. Since she’s going to these appointments with Mom, she can sit in on the appointment and bring up issues about which the family has concerns; she can take notes on what transpires during the doctor visit; then she can report the medical updates to the family so everyone is on the same page every step of the way. This sister will also need to be on the approved HIPAA document that the physician’s office requires in order for her to communicate and interact in such a way as to be on top of Mom’s ongoing health care.
FAMILY DYNAMICS THAT GET IN THE WAY OF EFFECTIVE MANAGING. Let’s face it, not every family gets along well enough to avoid the bumps in the caregiving road. If family dynamics were strained to begin with, you can certainly expect those dynamics to be heightened in stressful situations – and caring for Mom is certainly one of them. My article “Family dynamics that hamper caregiving success,” addresses family dysfunction and offers advice on how to lessen its impact on your caregiving team.
A team’s success is attainable – but each member has to dedicate themselves to the task at hand for that to happen.
You’re patting yourself on the back, congratulating yourself for:
- finally deciding that it’s time to move into Senior Housing; and
- deciding which type of long-term care (LTC) option suits your needs.
Now what? You’re scared to death because of the abhorrent negative press you’ve read regarding certain types of Senior Housing. Good for you – you should be! There are ways to make your selection a more trustworthy one. What follows will hopefully weed out the bad eggs, but there is absolutely NO guarantee the decision you make is 100% sure.
WORD OF MOUTH
Chances are that those similar to you in age – your friends, work associates, neighbors – have looked into or are currently looking into Senior housing options and they can be a very worthwhile resource. Don’t be afraid to ask them to share their experiences with you and you’ll certainly do the same with others as their needs become known to you. Better yet – if you know of someone who already lives in a LTC facility, visit them to discern what they think about their own choice.
HOUSING SEARCH RESOURCES
- Check out your state’s Aging & Disability Services Administration department (linked here is Washington State’s ADSA.) You really can’t go wrong checking out your State’s services for the Senior population. These resources usually have links to long-term care facility research tools, such as the Assisted Living section of my local state’s ADSA. No doubt your State’s Aging & Disability department will have similar links. If you’re looking for retirement communities that involve totally independent living, or a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC), an all-care type of residential model mentioned in my previous blog “Selecting a Senior Housing Community”, your search will be less informational because most States do not license retirement communities.
- STATE INSPECTION SURVEY. All licensed facilities in the United States are inspected/surveyed every 12 – 18 months. This survey is quite thorough and covers absolutely EVERY aspect of a facility’s operations. When you tour a facility, always ask to look at a copy of that building’s latest State Survey. By law they must make it available to anyone who asks. I don’t think I would ever consider a Senior housing option without reading the building’s State Survey. You’ll find minor or major citations which will be very telling as to how the building is run and how the Administration or Owner of the building responds to such citations.
LONG-TERM CARE OMBUDSMAN PROGRAM (LTCOP)
Every state must have a long-term care ombudsman program in place. These programs are mandated by the Federal Older Americans Act and are intended to improve the quality of life for people who live in long-term care facilities. A call to the LTCOP intake line in your state is a call worth making. Let’s say you’ve narrowed down your housing search to a few options. You ask the LTC Ombudsman’s office about the types of complaints that have been filed against those facilities and this office will provide worthwhile information to help you make your housing decisions. The National Long-Term Care Ombudsman Center will help you locate your local LTC Ombudsman program.
SENIOR HOUSING LOCATORS
You’ll notice that I’ve placed this type of resource at the bottom of my list. There are numerous housing “finders” out there and they can certainly be helpful. You tell them what you’re looking for; what area of town you prefer; what type of care you need; and what you’re willing to pay; and they’ll come up with some options for you. Please keep in mind, however, that these senior housing finders have an inventory of housing clients that may or may not be representative of all that is out there. They may come up with some very good options for you but their list will most likely not be an exhaustive one.
Regardless of what/who you use to locate a LTC facility, I hope you’ll go through the previous options I’ve listed above to discern the appropriateness of any facility you’re considering. Perhaps a Senior Housing Locator has provided what appear to be some great options for you and you’ve even toured them and feel comfortable with what is offered. Prior to making your final selection, at the very least go through your State’s Long Term Care Ombudsman to discern whether or not any recent actions or citations have been placed against that facility. And when touring any housing location, be certain to ask for the facility’s latest State Inspection Survey so you can see what the State thinks about that facility.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 lived together in a large, rambling house in Asheville, North Carolina.
One night, the 96-year-old was drawing a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She shouted to her two sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yelled back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She started up the stairs and paused, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table, having tea and listening to her sisters. She shook her head and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…”
She then shouted, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
The most comfortable decisions you can make in life are well-informed ones. Whether you are choosing a vehicle, the vacation of a lifetime, or a potential residence, doing so is made easier when you’re armed with essential information. Oftentimes when inundated with too many choices, we exclaim that we would rather have fewer options from which to choose. “Give me two choices and I’ll be able to decide – six or more? Forgetaboutit!” There is one time, however, when you will welcome a diversity of options: selecting appropriate care in your Senior years.
Identifying the person in need of care.
This quest upon which you are embarking may be your own personal quest. You know staying in your current home might prove dangerous to you – and therefore inadvisable – in the years to come. Or perhaps you just want to retire from doing house repairs and weekend yard work –and who doesn’t? Whatever the reason, you’re considering your options for when you might be less able to take care of your daily needs.
Another scenario is that your spouse, parent or sibling is in need of some sort of long-term care resultant from a debilitating condition such as cognitive decline, mobility restrictions and/or advancing age, so you’re trying to discern how best to address the care needs associated with their condition.
There are two primary care options from which to choose:
- Aging in Place – This blog posting addresses the option of staying put and making adjustments that modify a residence to suit your needs or that of your loved one. Also included in this option is the potential for hiring in-home care. Both of these options allow a person to remain in their home for as long as possible.
- Long-term care (LTC) housing options. In a future posting I will address the available categories of long-term care (LTC) housing and will provide resources that should be helpful towards choosing a replacement for your current residential situation.
Both options have Pros and Cons involved with them. But only you know what best fits your personal situation.
Aging in Place: I don’t even want to think about moving!
Aging in Place refers to living where you have lived for many years using products, services and conveniences to enable you to remain where you are. To successfully age in place without moving you will most likely need to accommodate the physical and cognitive changes that may accompany aging.
Structural changes. Both the inside and outside of the home could eventually require some structural adjustments to accommodate a person’s current – and future – needs.
- If you live in a two-story house and your primary bedroom and bathroom are upstairs, does your bottom floor afford a bedroom/bathroom alternative?
- Are you financially prepared for the costs of making the inside of your home more accessible, e.g. wider doors for wheelchairs or walkers; lowered counters to accommodate same; showers that can accommodate someone confined to a mobility aid?
- Does the outside of your home allow for the addition of ramps and railings for easier access to the residence?
- If one of you has cognitive decline and is prone to wandering outside of the house – what measures, if any, will assure this resident’s safety?
- If you need care assistance during the day, are you comfortable having a health care provider in the home? The costs and logistics of hiring and scheduling staff to come into your home can prove to be overwhelming and oftentimes more expensive than if a person moved into a residential community that readily offers the needed care.
How expensive is in-home care these days? Caveat: I will not be addressing financing sources such as long-term care insurance, Medicare, Medicaid and the like. My intent in these articles is simply to provide an overview of care options and potential costs.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services gives a 2009 run-down on costs for care options both in the home and in a long-term care residential setting. I know that in Washington State, where I reside, the average Home Health Aide hourly rate is $22; the average monthly cost of an Assisted Living (AL) facility is $2870; and the average daily cost of a semi-private room in a nursing home is $225 which is approximately $6700/month.
Focusing on Home Health Aide/In-home care: based on the average hourly rate of $22, one could expect to pay close to $528 per day if based on an hourly rate. Keep in mind, however, that most staffing agencies offer a monthly rate which will be less than the hourly rate. But even with that “discounted” rate, in-home care can be very cost prohibitive. A great many of us may not have access to that amount of cash and if the need extends out to several years – now it’s really adding up.
So why even think of remaining in one’s own home if it’s so %#^%($ expensive?
All of the above is not to suggest that Aging in Place is not doable. Many people around the nation are successfully aging in place so why shouldn’t you have a crack at it? Consider this alternative: some people start out Aging in Place and then transition into a long-term care housing situation when finances, or circumstances, warrant such a move.
The articles, Avoiding the pitfalls of selecting senior housing, and Selecting a senior housing community – easy for some, not for the rest of us, provide some tips for your selection process.