Family issues

Examining our gratitude levels

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By the time you read this article, I hope you’ve already read the reblogged article I posted entitled “Up Your Gratitude,” published in a Parade Magazine article earlier this year.  That article was part of the inspiration for this article and can be found in this same Blog category.

I recently watched an Oprah Network special wherein Oprah visits families of Hasidic Jews.  One of the families had NEVER seen a television show in their lives and didn’t even know who Oprah was until her staff approached the family about this project of interviewing a Hasidic Jewish family.  This family consisted of the husband and wife and 9 children, the oldest of which was 17 years old and the youngest, 18 months.  If you can believe what the 17 year old son said – and I think I do – he has absolutely never watched TV and is an extremely happy teenager.  The couple’s 15 year old daughter loves not having the normal pressures associated with young teen girls.  “There’s no pressure” she explained.

Hasidic schoolchildren in Łódź, circa 1910s.
Image via Wikipedia

None of the children had ever heard of the names that Oprah tossed into their conversation: from cartoon characters such as Micky Mouse and Sponge Bob Squarepants, to Beyonce and other well-known entertainers.  Nope, they had no idea what or who she was talking about.  Considering they had never heard of Oprah, that’s not at all surprising.

And yet they were extremely happy and grateful people.

THIS ARTICLE IS NOT ABOUT RELIGION – it’s about the lack of wanting more,wanting better, and wanting bigger as it relates to consumerism.  Each person Oprah interviewed talked about the lack of pressure in their life to want, want, and want even more.  As a matter of fact, the wife in this family of 9 children, who is pregnant with her 10th child, said the only time she had a feeling of wanting more was when she was able to upgrade to a better wig when her earnings increased.  (At a certain age, Hasidic women must cover their hair as a gesture of modesty, be it a scarf or a wig.)  So when this woman was able to get a better wig she experienced an “Aha” moment – getting a better, more natural looking wig satisfied a want for something more that she hadn’t ever experienced.  Gratitude abounded in this household that most definitely doesn’t resemble our idea of a “normal” frantic-ridden, electronic guided, household.

Time to check my own gratitude level – and level of personal satisfaction.  When you receive not-so-good service at an establishment, do you trash its character to others so that they are aware of the establishment’s failings and will curtail their support of its business?  It’s easy to complain about something isn’t it?  It’s harder – but better – to compliment someone who does a great job:

  • Writing a note to the manager of a salon you frequent, complimenting the stylist who always does such a great job on your haircut and/or color.  It’s not enough that you tell the stylist how satisfied you are.  Tell the one who signs his paychecks and sets his schedule – that’s where the thank you also needs to go so that your favorite stylist receives something for his/her efforts.
  • Going out of your way to thank someone in person, or by thank you note, for their volunteerism at church or other community venue;
  • Calling or writing a note, not texting, not e-mailing, when you’re grateful for something you received as a gift;
  • When your coworker does a great job, or your child does something in the home without being asked, or when you are simply grateful for the commitment your spouse has to his or her job that assures constant financial support in the home – acknowledge their efforts instead of simply appreciating them in your own mind.

Who benefits from appreciative thoughts if they are not expressed to the person who inspired them?  Gratitude expressed provides more benefit than you can imagine.  Don’t you want to start a ripple effect of gratitude in your small corner of the universe?  Get that ripple going – you’ll be better off as a result, and everyone to whom that ripple touches will benefit as well.

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Up Your Gratitude: ThankYou Notes Can Have Profound Effects | Parade.com

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Up Your Gratitude: ThankYou Notes Can Have Profound Effects | Parade.com.

The attached article, published on January 1, 2012 in the Sunday newspaper’s Parade Magazine section, had a great impact on me; so much so that I wrote my own blog article today, about the effects of gratitude on one’s life.  I hope you enjoy both articles.

10 Government Programs You Can Access for Your Elderly Parents

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10 Government Programs You Can Access for Your Elderly Parents.

This VERY comprehensive article is designed for a person’s elderly parents but guess what…us Baby Boomers need to be aware of these resources as well so I want to pass this article along to you!  It helped me – I hope it’s a great resource for you as well.

Alzheimer’s and other dementia: Advance Directives

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Most people don’t want to talk about end-of-life issues but all of us know it’s a topic requiring early discussion and appropriate timing to be of any use when emotional, and sometimes emergent, decisions must be made.

Auguste Deter. Alois Alzheimer's patient in No...
Image via Wikipedia of a patient for whom Dr. Alzheimer provided care. This patient became the model for diagnosing Alzheimer's dementia.

My siblings and I benefited from my parents’ end-of-life documents that dictated their wishes should we need to become involved.  My mother died in her sleep in 1994 so no active involvement was necessary but my father, suffering with Alzheimer’s for five years by the time he died in 2007, gave us a gift by spelling out in detail his end-of-life wishes set in place at least a decade before he died.  Think of an Advanced Directive or Living Will as a gift to your loved ones.  It certainly was a gift to my siblings and me.

An organization in Washington state, Compassion & Choices, worked with Seattle University Clinical Law Professor, Lisa Brodoff, to create a new advance directive for people with Alzheimer’s and other dementia.  This same law professor was instrumental in the passage of legislation in Washington State creating the Mental Health Advance Directive for people with mental illness.  This statute is considered to be model legislation for other states wanting to expand the rights and planning options for people with mental illness.  Bravo Washington State!!!

Although not yet available, the new Alzheimer’s/Dementia Advance Directive will be based on one created by Professor Brodoff for a 2009 Elder Law Journal article titled (excerpt attached): Planning for Alzheimer’s Disease with Mental Health Directives.  The new Alzheimer’s/Dementia advance directive is not intended to replace existing end-of-life documents such as a Living Will and/or Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, but is designed to work in concert with those documents to ensure that any issues important to the patient with dementia that are not addressed in standard advance directives are honored as much as possible.

What additional issues are addressed in the new advance directive for those with Alzheimer’s or other dementia?

Potential issues that might be addressed are preferences regarding:

  • care in and outside of the home;
  • financing of said care;
  • caregiver choices;
  • involuntary commitment;
  • consent to participation in drug trials;
  • suspension of driving privileges; and
  • any future intimate relationships.

To get on the mailing list in Washington state to receive a copy of the new advance directive contact Compassion Washington: by email, info@CompassionWA.org or by calling their office at: 206.256.1636 or Toll free: 1-877-222-2816.  At the very least, regardless of where you live, using their model as a guide when creating your own Advance Directive may be helpful when such Directive affects the life of a loved one with dementia.  Being prepared for the unexpected, or even what you indeed suspect might be a future health issue, provide peace of mind for the patient and for his or her caregiver. 

That’s a priceless gift to be sure.

The Best Alzheimers Caregiver Tool of Them All, Harvey

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The Best Alzheimers Caregiver Tool of Them All, Harvey

There is no such thing as easy caregiving – anyone who has been, or is currently, a caregiver for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia can attest to that fact.  The good news, however, is that every once and awhile we’re fortunate enough to be exposed to glorious snippits of wonderfulness that help us through the day.  Here’s hoping that this link does just that for you.

 

Honesty is NOT always the best policy.

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Bear with me – don’t judge me quite yet.

You are not destined for Alcatraz just because of a little well-placed dishonesty.

If you are primarily responsible for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or other dementia, or perhaps you assist an elderly relative who relies on you for help, do you find yourself telling little white lies?  Do you stretch the truth a bit in order to keep the peace?  Without doing any harm to your loved one or anyone else, do those little white lies help you accomplish tasks on behalf of your loved one, thus improving their life?  Congratulations – you understand that honesty isn’t always the best route to take and you’re in good company.

How do you jump over the hurdles of negotiating with a loved one for whom you provide care?  Here are a few examples that come to mind.

Scenario one: the need to get creative in order to leave the house for personal business.  For example, if telling your wife that you’re going to a caregiver support group meeting makes her mad, sad, or distrustful of your intentions, (“I’m sure you’re going to say bad things about me!”), why not tell your spouse that you’re going out with the guys, and you promise you will be back in two hours.  Then make sure you’re back on time!  If you’re not comfortable with that lie, by all means, every month you can continue to explain how helpful this caregiver support group is to you and how much it helps you be a better husband; and month after month your wife will not understand your rationale and will feel ashamed.  Knowing that you’re going to a support group only confirms how miserable she’s made your life. Read the rest of this entry »

Life can turn on a dime.

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If ever there is an example of how life can turn on a dime, it’s Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords’ tragic experience.  January 8, 2012 marks one year since Ms. Giffords was shot in the head while meeting with her constituents in Tucson, Arizona.

The bullet traveled 1000 feet per second into her brain and not only did she survive, even her neurosurgeons termed her recovery a miracle.  Is Ms. Giffords back to 100%?  No.  Will she be?  There is a strong hope that she will.  As her husband said to Diane Sawyer when asked if he’s holding out too much hope: “You can’t have too much hope!  That’s not practical!”  In her ABC special on 20/20 chronicling Congressman Giffords’ and her husband, Astronaut Mark Kelly’s journey, Diane Sawyer characterized their endeavors in this manner:

 The courage & love you bring when the life you live, is not the life you planned.

Life turns on a dime in many ways: in relationships; in difficult financial times; and in sickness and in health, to name just a few.

Some of you reading this Blog are in the midst of a life trauma that you certainly didn’t plan, and from which you wish you were released.  What challenge do you face?  Did you see it coming?

One story of life’s changes. I volunteer as a Facilitator for an Alzheimer’s Association caregiver support group.  Every member of our group has a loved one with some sort of dementia diagnosis.  Some are in the early stages, some are in the middle stages, and three in particular recently experienced the end stage.

RRRING!  A telephone rings in the middle of the night and life changes for caregivers gearing up for the Holidays with their family.

In the wink of an eye, life as they knew it took a sharp turn.  It’s the Holiday season and suddenly one set of caregivers hires in-home hospice care for their parent and another caregiver rides in an ambulance with her spouse to a local hospice center because of a terminal change in health.   Within days both sets of caregivers arrange memorial services for which they hadn’t planned at this stage of their loved one’s life.

BANG!  Six lives are lost, and Gabrielle Giffords’ and Mark Kelly’s lives change forever.

Congresswoman Giffords loved spending time with her constituents.  The night before she was shot, she took a long bike ride with a friend and was eager for the next day to begin.  A week later she and her husband were to undergo in vitro fertilization so they could start planning the birth of their first child together.  And those attending this gathering, both staff and general citizenry, hoped for a successful and enjoyable experience.  The bottom line is that you can’t plan for what you can’t see coming.

Oftentimes when we hear of tragedies such as those mentioned above, we naively say to ourselves, “Those are the types of things that happen to other people; not us.”  Well, the truth of the matter is, those types of things happen to people, and that’s us.

Congresswoman Giffords’ neurosurgeons stated that they don’t know where in the brain one finds charm, optimism, humor or charisma.  Certainly no where in the brain can one find sufficient prescience that allows us to see what’s coming around the corner.

No matter how hard we try; no matter how careful we are; life turns on a dime.  And sometimes, the life we live becomes the life we did not plan.

I received inspiration for this article from the caregiver heroes with whom I am acquainted, and from Gabrielle Giffords and Mark Kelly in their book: Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope.