Category Archives: Aging Humor

Honestly – here are a couple jokes on honesty.

At long last the good-humored boss felt compelled to call Fitch into his office.  “It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out gently, “that every time there’s a big home game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”

“You know, you’re right, sir,” exclaimed the employee.  “I hadn’t realized.  You don’t suppose she’s faking it now, do you?”

And one more joke on honesty for your Monday perusal:

A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how much a pound of tenderloin is.  “Twelve dollars per pound,” replied the butcher.

“Are you sure?  That can’t be,” said the lady.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Look, Ma’am, it says right here on the card, ‘twelve dollars per pound.’ “

“But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the area,” she said.

“Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of beef,” said the butcher.

“No.  The butcher across the street said it was nine dollars per pound.”

“Well, then why don’t you go buy it there?” asked the butcher.

“Because they are all out.”

“When I’m all out, I sell it for eight dollars per pound,” retorted the butcher.

A prominent Russian scientist conducted a very important experiment.  He trained a flea to jump on giving her a verbal command (“Jump!”)

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the first stage of the experiment, he removed the flea’s leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped.  So he wrote in his scientific notebook: “Upon removing one leg, all flea organs function properly.”

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the second leg, all flea organs function properly.”

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the next couple legs, all flea organs function properly.”

Then he removed the last leg, told the flea to jump, and nothing happened.

He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the command to jump, several times, and the legless flea never jumped.  So he wrote his conclusion:

“Upon removing the last leg, the flea loses sense of hearing.”

A woman walked into an expensive dress store and announced to the owner,

“I’m the greatest salesperson ever and I want a job.”

“That’s quite a claim,” the owner responded, “but unfortunately I don’t have any openings.”

Undaunted, the woman asked,”How many dresses does your best employee sell in a day?”

“Five or six,” the owner answered.

Without blinking an eye, the woman claimed, “I’ll sell twelve without pay or commission, just to show you how good I am.”

The owner, knowing she couldn’t lose, agreed.  And, indeed, just an hour before closing, the new salesperson had sold eighteen dresses.

“Do I get the job now?” she asked.

“I’ve got one more test for you,” the owner declared.

She went back into the storeroom and returned with the most hideous dress imaginable.

“Sell this dress by the time the store closes tonight and you’ve got a job.”

Forty-five minutes later, the woman marched into the owner’s office and threw down the sales receipt.

“I’m impressed,” the owner admitted in amazement.  “You’ve got the job.  How on earth did you convince somebody to buy that dress?”

“Getting the woman to buy it wasn’t a problem.  The hard part was blindfolding her Seeing Eye Dog.”

Sometimes we just need a bit of humor to get us through the week.  Here’s one that my husband recently passed along to me:

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.”

“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly.  I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.

You see, the last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license.  I told him yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket saying,

‘You won’t need this anymore.’

So I thanked him and left!”

Without warning, a hurricane blew across the Caribbean.  The luxurious yacht soon foundered in the huge waves and sank without a trace.  Only two survivors, the boat’s owner and its steward, managed to swim to the closest island.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Observing that it was utterly uninhabited, the steward burst into tears, wringing his hands and moaning that they’d never be heard of again.  Meanwhile, his companion leaned back against a palm tree and relaxed.

“Dr. Karpman, how can you be so calm?” moaned the distraught steward.  “We’re going to die on this godforsaken island.  They’re never going to find us.”

“Let me tell you something, Mitchell,” began Karpman with a smile.  “Four years ago I gave five hundred thousand dollars to the United Way, and five hundred thousand dollars to the United Jewish Appeal.  Three years ago I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed eight hundred and fifty thousand to each.  Last year business was good, so both charities got a million dollars.”

“So?” screamed the wretched steward.

“It’s time for their annual fund drives,” the yachtsman pointed out, “I’m certain they’ll find me.”

The retired couple sat at the table after their Sunday lunch when the wife looked over and said,

“Know what I feel like?  An ice cream.  Will you go get me one?”

“Okay, honey,” said the long-suffering husband, getting up.

“But not just any ice cream” she interrupted.  “A sundae.”

“Okay, dear, a sundae it is.”

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“But not just any sundae, a banana split.  Should I write it down and put the note in your coat pocket?”

“No, dear,” said the husband, pulling on his coat.  “You want a special sundae, a banana split.”

“Right, but not just any banana split.  I want a scoop of chocolate on one side and a scoop of vanilla on the other.  Sure you don’t want me to write it down?”

“I got it, I got it,” said the beleaguered husband, heading for the door.

“But that’s not all,” she shouted after him.  ” I want it to be special.  I want whipped cream and a cherry on top.  Let me write it down for you.”

“No, no, no,” protested her husband.  “You want a special ice cream sundae: a banana split with a scoop of vanilla here, a scoop of chocolate there, some whipped cream, and a cherry on top.”

“And don’t forget the chopped nuts.”

“Chopped nuts,” repeated the husband as the door closed after him.

Two hours later, the husband returned and put a greasy paper bag on the kitchen table.  The wife walked over, looked inside, and saw four bagels.  Looking up at him in intense irritation, she snapped, “I knew it – you forgot the cream cheese.”